Hi everyone...I'm sorry I haven't been around..since my daughter's 15th anniversary ..I am still floatingin a not so nice place...I wanted to say that I never saw my daughter...I never even viewed her..Isaw her one day alive and beautiful..withthe smile she always wore and never saw her again...the accident was so horrific..that she wasn't viewable...so we had to have a closed casket...my youngest daughter over the years has wondered if it was even our Melanie in the casket...I never got to kiss her goodbye, touch her....nothing...no closure and will never have any...Only by the grace of God I get up breathing everyday.....Peace! Angel

Dear Susan so sorry the pain intensifies... Time make sit worst I think as people have less understanding and I find it hurtful that most seem to move on... I feel stuck in the past I lost my wonderful sister but find it hard to have a life without her (sorry for posting in this group!) I am torn that the goes by and I am worried that I may start to foregetr little details of our time together .. the support from my partner is tapering off and do not want to burden mum and dad as I know they are broken perhaps more so than me .. I put on my brave face as I am all they are left and suffer in silence.. I do not think the years will make it better... In a way I am glad your daughter seems have found some joy .. I too have lil boys and new born daughter (I named her after my sister) I am happy and sad... I take her out sit like my sister... she is my lil T... goes me a bit of hope but you know there are far too many moments I wish I were alone so that I could sleep and not wake up..... or wake up next to my big T my sister.... the though warms me but everyday I wake up and yet another new day without her...  it may be that your daughter tries to keep up a brave face... some random thoughts... wishing you all some peace and calm 

Oh my Michelle, I am so sorry how you and your family learned that awful news, that's horrible. My son had been in critical condition in ICU as a "John Doe" for 30 stinking hours before I found out where he was. They said they couldn't find any ID and the motorcycle was his friend's. He use to work the night shift and sometimes when he would get off of work, he would go by my sister in law's house to play his keyboard. He was keeping his equipment for his studio at her house, so I wasn't too alarmed. The day before, he had lost his phone but I didn't know that, so when he didn't answer, I just assumed he was sleeping or couldn't hear it. Not known to me, my niece and my daughter were worried and decided to look for him because he had left from my niece's house that night on his friend's motorcycle.....also not known to me. He knew that I had forbade him from getting on that bike. He had fallen off of it a week prior to this nightmare and he tried to hide his minor injuries from me. I went crazy on him. They finally couldn't keep hiding it from me, they were trying to protect me because I was not medically well but they had to because deep down in my gut I sensed that something horrible had happened to him, so I began calling every hospital and police station that I could think of but when I would give his name, they all said that they had no one by that name or description. Thank goodness my niece and daughter found him after returning to one hospital that they had been to before. Someone finally told them to check in ICU because there was a young boy there that was a "john doe" and unfortunately it was my son. I literally collasped when I saw him. He was in ICU for 1 week, the worst week of my life.

Thank you for all of your support and love, thanks to all.

Susan, I can only imagine when I reach the 10 year mark the intensity of the pain that remains. I agree with you about having a forum like this.

Big hugs to you.

Angel, Angel, Angel!! I can not imagine. I am so sorry.  Putting myself in your shoes, I probably could never be convinced that my child was in there either. One day at a time sweetheart, that's all we can do.

Big hugs to you....I hurt with you.

It's ok Nadia, a loss is a loss and I am sorry about yours.

So sorry Billie, I didn't mean to upset you or anyone else, didn't mean to bring you to that awful place, I am sorry.

Hello Fran, I am so sorry for your losses, I can't imagine losing 2 children.  I am not familiar with that disease. No parent wants to bury their child. There are really no comforting words but I am always willing to listen.

Ok, that's great that you are at a place where you are coping and doing fairly well. I am sure there are good days and bad days. Once again, I am sorry and maybe you will drop in again.

Hello everyone, it also makes me sick, literally, when I give deep thought about what happened to my son. I still try to tell myself that my mind is playing tricks on me. I must admit, that sometimes if my bath room door is closed, before I open it, I approach it slowly, close my eyes, open the door slowly and peak to see if he's in there. While my eyes are closed, I think to myself that he's really ok. I have had so many traumatic episodes where I find myself searching the house for him......it's terrible. Then of course to my disappoint, when he's not there, I just start to sob and then i start begging my son to come to me, thinking about the days that are passing without him really puts me over the edge. Time passing just reminds me that I can't see him and it makes me more angry and sad. I can not fathom how time heals. I don't even share this with my other children, they would have me committed.

I relate t everyone here in different ways....just pasing the 15th anniversary of losing my daughter did a real number on me...no day is different..she isn't here any day...I have searched all over..swore I saw her on the corner waiting for a bus, in an aisle at the store...in a witness protection program...but God has given me the gift of acceptance and that has been my saving grace...I have to believe that she is in heaven..or whatever others call it...in beautiful surroundings, happy , surrounded by everything she loved....that she is in peace...and waiting for me ...or I would lose my mind...almost did 10 months after she passed and then it took me 10 years to have any sort of normalacy in my life..to be able to alugh..I couldn't travel because I thought she would come home...couldn't move because I thought she wouldn't know where I lived when she came back..so now although....there isn't a second of my life that I know she isn't here.....I go on...her life and my love for her lives in a place in my heart  that I can live with...when she came and took my husband on her birthday that showed me that she was Ok...she came for him to show me that....and God told her to bring him home so he wasn't in pain and could breath again......Peace. Angel

Angel, It is comforting to know that you have found acceptance. I need to believe that my son is in "heaven" and has peace and happiness but instead I am plagued with thoughts of him being angry that his life was snatched away from him, I have torturous thoughts of him crying, being scared and not being accepting of what happened to him. Perhaps these are just my thoughts, I don't know, I just wish that I could feel like he's ok, hopefully one day I will.

Karen....I know my daughter would have been mad as heel at first..and probably fought passing over tooth andnail..she was young, married, in love, in school, at the height of her life and it was snatched out from under her.....I believe in time she came to accept that she was home..and I also believe God may have saved her from something worse....she was His child first as we all are..and I am grateful that he trusted her in my care for 21 years...sound so easy doesn't it...??? it's not...and hasn't been...but acceptance is the key...an once we do that...each breath we take isn't as painful....Karen he isn't crying..he's in the Lord's arms....safely home...Angel

Thanks Angel, may you continue to be blessed, thanks for your support and encouragement, it really means a lot.

Michelle W., don't apologize for feeling like you want to scream, I have no doubt that plenty of us feel like that.....I know I do and I actually do it!

Same here Michele....screaming and crying are so cleansing..and help relieve some of the pain....not alot..but some..they are both necessary in our lives....I'm with Karen...please no apoligies ever needed in a room with us....

So sorry to read of everyone's pain. My heart is aching tonight too. Went to my Compassionate Friends Meeting Tuesday night. It is always so hard, but I think it is good for me. It is my time that I can let my walls down and can say how much I miss Zach and cry, or do whatever I need to do because everyone there understands. It helps me get out of myself and try to help someone else who is grieving. Really missing him so much tonight, have that hole that will never go away. Hugs and prayers for all. Robin

I am glad your group is good for you and thanks for the hug.

Adrianna,   my son was an organ donor.... I am happy we chose that .... but for a very long time I had images of the organ "Harvest"  It was a similar feeling that you are having I am sure..... Icall all of this PTSD that all of us have..... Images that we likely will never "Get Over".  Flash Backs of the entire Death Week.....  I wish I "WOULD OF" "COULD OF"  What if?  We may forever be living the cycles.....

Grace..I totally agree....I spent 5 years with a psychologist who finally did 8 hours of testing.Verbal, coordination, memory, etc..and said I have a full verified case of PTSD...I have since seen 2 other PTSD specialist for 3 years each...although my daughter has been gone 15 years it took me the first 10 to even be somewhat normal...and then the last 5 trying to smile, travel live somewhat...I have most of it under control.....I do dissociate at will.....because I have learned what I can handle and what I can't ..I dissociated the first time the night she died.....there was a horrible accident...she was alone...they said she died instantly but I still have visions of her laying on a lawn (she was ejected from the car) dying herself....in pain...calling for her husband.....calling for me...they were only married 10 months...and yes and autopsy was done because she was on Phen -Phen...and I still would love to know why the coroner called as soon as he got her body....because her pills were on her kitchen table ..not in her handbag ......so how did he know..why did he ask...????? a million questions that none of us will ever have answers to....we will never get over this loss...and in my heart and in my mind I have to believe that she is with God...at home...in peace..happy....or I would lose my mind...as I almost did....how to live? with your child in a place in your heart that each individual can live with...it's unique..no right ..no wrong way....our way....have I accepted that she passed and isn't coming back...YES! .....because I haven't seen her in 15 years.....I have no choice....

It is amazing how the movies replay in my head at random times......Happened again today as I was driving.

The replays are truly tortuous!

I drive a bus everyday for 2 1 1/2 sessions..... so I sometime think I have too much windshield time.  Not only am I replaying my son's whole life... but some of the cruel things I have heard from family members since his death.... I am so disappointed in my Mom and brother... I don't know if I can ever speak to them again... (Both have suggested I should have aborted my deceased son because he had autism..... even though I did not know this until he was 3 years old... yet should that have mattered?  should they just love my child anyway?)  I am sad that my relationship with my mother who is 83 is so damaged... but I just can't skeep puutting myself into that enviornment....  and now I am thinking about all the small children in the world that live everyday with this type of disfunction.   And for G*D's Sake... He has been dead for more than 3 years... what good does it do to be sooo cruel?

The memories hit hard for me as im driving home for work in the mornings too. I think of all the things i could have done to help my son. I didnt wanna push him away, didnt wanna lose him so i let some things slide. i beat myself up over that, people tell me what he did he would have done anyway. that i had nothing to do with it. Drugs are so bad heere where i live. i wish there was some way i could get through to other kids that this could happen to them also. jirdan was an honor roll student. he went from that to heavy drug use in just a few short years. I miss him everyday with all that I am

Thanks Vicki and everyone for your comment. I definitely have a lot of guilt, I guess I should start trying to remember the things I did or DIDN'T do was because I love my son so much. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to feel so beat up and broken because I feel like I let him down. I feel like I was always riding him for such petty sh!t. I wish I had another chance, this is what is killing me slowly.

thanks Vicki i needed to hear that from someone who knows exactly what i am going through

hi all, i have been away for quite some time... i have gone thru some horrible loss this year. i lost my dad to Alzheimers and Parkinsons. Worse still was my sister, who died only last week, after a 2 and a half year struggle against Cancer.

BUT still, i am here about my baby girl...

ANYONE HAVE IDEAS OF WHAT ONE CAN DO IN MEMORY OF OUR KIDS???!!!!!  thank u x x x x

anyone there guys? i need help!!

Hey Stephanie, nice to hear from you despite the circumstances. Last year for my 21 yr old son, during the holiday season, we had a toy drive to collect brand new toys for children in the pediatric unit at the same hospital he had been at. He had been in the ICU at that hospital for 1 week. The unit wasn't full.....which I guess was a good thing, so we were able to give each child at least 5 gifts and we still had many gifts left over. We left the remaining toys for future admissions. I must admit during the little show that we put together in front of the nurses station, I had to disappear a few times to sob in the bathroom. I was overwhelmed by the whole reason as to why I was even doing this but then when I would go back out to join the celebration, it helped to see the joy on all of the little one's faces.  A couple of them were too sick to come out of their room so we visited with them.

I also have been celebrating my son's birthday since he passed away. We have his favorite ice cream cake and everyone tells a funny story about something he did or said. I constantly have a fear that everyone will forget my son, forget that he ever existed, that he'll become a mere "memory". He is so much more then a memory to me, he IS my son and will ALWAYS be my son.

Hi Stephanie!

Our son Niles died in May 2009 at 14. He was an organ donor and had autism.  We decided at the hospital that we were going to raise money for other families still living with special needs.  Since then I think we have given "Random Acts Of Kindness" Donations to families that have very sick people in the family with cancer, or other medical emergencies... just this week a 52 year old woman I knew who suffered a stroke.... to children and families living with Autism, Or other disabilities.  Like karen, after more than 3 years, I sometimes worry that others will forget or care less and less that my son was so important to me..... it is hard.  My other son remembers his brother with a tattoo on his forearm of his NGMH initials of his brother.  My daughter also got a tattoo with a puzzle piece (Blue) with Niles name in the piece... then the green "Organ Donation Ribbon" and angel wings on her back.  I have a friend that also has a tattoo in memory of her son who passed recently.  I am not as fond of getting a tattoo myself but supported that my 2 kids wanted to get them in memory of their brother.  At any rate... it has been more than 3 years... and I still really miss that kid... and still have trouble wrapping my mind around this whole ordeal.

In May of the first year, we planted a spirit tree in memory of him in our backyard.  This weekend, I signed up for a t-shirt quilting class.  I'm finally strong enough to work on a t-shirt quilt using his t-shirts and jeans.    Stephanie, I

GUYS IT IS SO NICE TO SPEAK TO YOU ALL AGAIN!! thank u for your help. KAREN, that was such a special thing you did with the toy drive at the hospital. you are such a strong person. i would also have cried so much, but i don't know if i would have had the strength to come out again.  the birthday thing is also so nice, and maybe i'll do that too. thank you SOOO MUCH x x x x x

GRACE, i didn't realise your son had autism. u know my little "Becky" had cerebral palsy. i am also so fearful that people will just forget her, it's been 4 years since she passed, i have spent this time being more quiet than ever before. but really want to do something. i've also thought of tatoo, but don't know. i love the idea to continue to help other families living with a sick or special needs family member. where to even start! but you have given me hope. THANK YOU x x x x

ROSIE, that's amazing what you are doing - so therapeutic as well, and as opposed to the dreaded "going thru their clothes" that we all have, you have come up with a wonderfully positive thing. wow.. that is really beautiful.... hmmm ..... i don't still have many of her clothes, but i'm really thinking thinking now....

hey Michelle, yes, will also try to think of more ideas. i know death for many is so FINAL, but when it's our children it's just SO different, their lives are not OVER, for us, and never will be. i so understand our need to keep their meaning alive. we will never stop, it's who we are. we should think of stuff and post pics of our "creations" or "work" to each other

Hey Stephanie, that is a lovely idea to our pics of different ideas and/or creations. I also love the idea of making the quilt but I have to admit, that's one I don't think I have the strength for yet. I use to have one of my son's baseball caps displayed on my dresser and I would sniff it almost everyday but I have since put in on the shelf in my closet so I see it every time I go in my closet if I use to look upward. I had to move it because it became a little overwhelming. Who knows, my emotions are like a roller coaster, I may put back on my dresser. I used to put on a pair of his work gloves too to make myself feel like I was holding his hand. One thing I do know for sure is that I will never be able to part with his things.

Oops, sorry for all the typos!