Hello Everyone-     Sorry I have not been on in a couple months-   Sometimes I just dont have the strength...   Wishing you all love, strength & understanding -  hugsss  Karen

Hey Karen, thanks for your support, I know exactly what you mean.

We are going to the church garden first and the minister will meet us there to say little vigil. Then meet my mother at 2 PM to go to the gravesite to sit for a while that is all.

I think his friends are planning something but I want to be excluded from it; seemed to much like a funeral all over again. I wished them well.

Adrianne, I'm so sorry.  It's so hard remembering.  I often think of the last time I saw my son.  I just wish I had not gone to sleep and then maybe........  No, it wouldn't have mattered.  I am sorry though for your pain.  Sorry we are all in pain.  ♥

Dick, I understand your wanting to be private, and please don't take this the wrong way, but may I suggest that you ask his friends to take pictures or video for you of their get together.  You don't have to look at it right away or ever, but if you should ever want to, then you will have it.  For our family, we each wrote a small note to Charles and tied them to balloons and released them.  Something private you and your family may want to do.  I'm glad we did it.  Whatever you do is good as long as you are comfortable with it.  I know the extra stress you are feeling about this.  You are in my prayers.  {{{Hugs}}}  

Oh wow, I think of the last time I saw my son everyday, all day. It plays like a movie in my head.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way but I feel like I will never be able to say GOODBYE to my son, I equate that as being final and I can not accept that my son is gone, I just don't want to believe it. I still hope that I will wake up from this nightmare. It's like that dreaded "d" word.....died, oh how hard it is for me to say it! Passed, passed away, crossed over, sounds and feels so much more gentle and softer to me. The "d" word feels so final, like that's it, no more, it's so hard for me to think of my son that way, he is my son and will ALWAYS be my son, never to be forgotten or a mere memory. My pain and sorrow is so profound, I don't know how I am surviving this. I want my son, I want my son, I want my son!!!!!

Today, one year ago was the last time I saw him alive. I too play this over and over in my head. I remember asking him if he was still on for go with the church for community service. His answer was "yep". I headed out to help a friend move; I wish I had never gone. I feel guilty.

Please say a prayer for Danny and my family.

 I know how you all feel. I wake up each day and stay to myself this is just a bad dream. I ache to hear her voice and long to hold her. Just to hear the words mom I needed to hear your voice because I'm having a bad day. On the worst of days she could smile and everything would seem better. I remember holding my granddaughter for the first and only time and saw so much of her mother. It wasn't supposed to be this way. She wanted to be a mother so bad. This was going to be my first grandchild and I was so excited. What is really hard is that I spoke to her a couple of hours before I got the call. She was having a good day and she was at work on her break. She was talking about Harley kicking and squirming and how she was craving a cheeseburger. After a few moments of just hey mom just wanted to say hi and I love you, I will talk to you tomorrow, she was gone. She never knew what happened. She had a pulmanary embolism (blood clot to the heart). I feel guilt everyday that I wasn't there like I could put a bandage on it and make it all go away. Prayers and hugs to all and please remember to keep me in your prayers also.    

Sherry... you know it is now how we all see how random our lives are.... as you say.... in an instant our lives have changed.  and we are so NOT in Control....  it is hard to admit that there really is nothing we can control.... this... the weather.... and just random tragic events.  If she did not know it was coming it could be what everyone says is a "Blessing"...... And the one who dies from cancer we say has time to "Say Good bye" and resolve unfinished business ...so That is a "Blessing"     BUT the curse is SUDDENLY has no chance to say "Good Bye" and the Long Linger and Suffering is that of the one that Does.....

Any event we still miss them terribly..... and in the end we are empty and left wanting them.

Saturday was the "Benefit" I hold to honor my son and to give money to other families still living with a special Need.... It was one of the easier ones to plan.... the 4th one....and the sun was shining... great food, entertainment.... but such low attendance.... I was discouraged... does anyone even care about this mission any more or do they think maybe I should just "GO ON" and stop this Memorial Fund?  I could not control the weather or if anyone would come.

So I can somewhat understand how Dick feels about staying private.... it protects ones self from seein the world go on with out them.

But then one of the Special Guest went into the race car pits and came out with a smile ear to ear and was so happy that I arranged this event.  His guardian looks at me and says.... (Can I Cry?) Happy that someone made her grandson so happy.....  I said.... "Can I Cry?"  because even though this whole event would be said to have been a "FLOP" this year.... a couple of my "Special Guests" had a great day.... so Maybe I need to find a better way of looking at this?    As I go into my work today A(Sheltered Workshop for the Disabled) We decided that these folks are having a "Company Picnic" with all the left over food from the benefit..... OK  My Mission of doing "Random Acts Of Kindness" WILL Continue..... This 4th Annual IS a SUCCESS!

It was nice today. I will post pictures when my brother in law gives them to me. We had the vigil at the church around his bench, about 20 ppl including my relatives and church members. The pastor said a prayer and we threw roses into the pond after saying our peace. 

His ex-GF texted us support. I really wish she was my daughter-in-law, I love her.

I went with my wife to pick my mother up. We all went to the gravesite and placed flowers and played "Danny" by Elton John. We all lost it. We sat there talking about Danny for about an hour and then we went home. I kissed the marker.

In about 30 minutes, the wife and I will leave for a support group tonight. I will probably go to Compassionate Friends tomorrow night.

All in all, a nice but painful day.

Dick, I am happy to hear that your day went okay.  It sounds like it was a loving time of remembrance for you and the family. You were in my thoughts throughout the day, and prayers were said for you and your family.  No day is really easy, but the special days are a little harder.  I pray blessings & peace for you and all of us here.

Adrianne... I hope you have PEACE Friday..... I really don't know what to say... it has been 3 years for me but all of the "Firsts" are so hard.

PEACE To you, Dick and Others having your "Firsts"  

Adrianne, you are in my thoughts and prayers.  One breath at a time, my friend.  ♥

Sharing a quote:

 Grief is like the wake behind a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate. And after a long enough time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that is when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above. 
 
 From the book -- A Salty Piece of Land, by Jimmy Buffet

*Peace

Thanks for sharing,

That was beautiful Ammy...thanks for sharing...I am struggling with my daughter's death...it will be 15 years on August 26th...and it's as if it was yesterday...over the years I have been able to live a life...this year is very hard....she was 21 when she passed ...would have turned 36 on March 1st ....the day my husband passed from cancer.....I have so many, many visions of her....from the day she was born until the last time I saw her...she died in a horrendous car accident so was not viewable....I have never been able to kiss her goodbye, I don't think I've ever tried to say goodbye because I don't want to....God bless all....and hold our children ..Angel

Adrianne, send hugs and peace to you on such a difficult day. 

Hello Angel. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have had your child pass away 15 years ago, my son was 21 yrs old when he passed away from a motorcycle accident/murder 2 yrs and 10 months ago. My pain and sorrow has not eased one bit, if anything, it's worse! I still don't like counting the time that has passed because that's just a painful reminder that my son is not here. Sometimes i have so much anxiety just thinking that maybe one day I will be saying, wow, my son passed away 15 years ago. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months have  passed and now I have approached years!? I can not fathom this.  I also have NEVER said good bye to my son and I don't want to either. I don't believe I could ever do that. I can not accept what happened to my son. I am also sorry for your husband's passing.

Many hugs to you and everyone.

Adrianne...I am glad you were able to make it through the day..and so happy that you had a "sign"..they are wonderful.....smells....are usually what I have...

Karen...I am starting to see a psychologist because I have gone through all stages of grief with my husband...but have never in 15 years gone through the anger stage with my daughter's passing..until...this past March 1st and I am at times blocked by it...I understand your thoughts...never did I think I would be alone 15 years on this earth without any one of my kids...and I know I will be here someday saying ..it;s been 30 years since I last saw her...and if God is good to me at some pointhe will send her to take me home...

Prayers and peace to all...

It has been more than 3 years since Niles died.... I continue to replay those final days over and over... it is a movie that never ends....

I have had so many disappointments from my family... 3  1/2 months ago my brother was ungly and repeated that I should have had an abortion instead of having my Niles....  My mother a couple of weeks ago finally called.... kind of admitted it happened then denied it... then said....  "Back then you and Dave were so into church.... we would have gone along with what ever the two of you would have done.... but  Of Course you decided to have the Baby... so you had to raise it"....  again.... I did not know anything about his Autism until he was like 2 1/2... but even still  shouldn't a grandma love him no matter what...  then she tries to say she loves all of her kids..... I just can't believe that a person can not feel the hurt they cause me...  others tell me I need to forgive her.... but I just have felt so abandoned by the people I thought I could depend on the most....  I just can not erase these words from my mind..... and the movie of the end of my son's life continues to play through my dreams..... then in those visions.. I am trying to save him then I awake to the fact that he is gone and I can't save him....   I feel like I am on a merry go round... 

Angel .... sounds like I will go on a neverending ride....

Another really bad day. Tomorrow it will have been 3 months since Bri & Harley passed. The pain is unbearable.

Pat.... it has been more than 3 years and I have a replay of the movie in my head of those final days..... I call it Post Tramatic Stress....

I drive almost 6 hours a day and sometimes I think I have too much windshield time to think too much... I totally understand.  It does improve but there is no harder grief than losing a child.

Grace ....how can anyone be so horrible to anyone who has suffered the worst tragedy of all...losing your child...My heart hurts for each of us as it is just a never ending process...and no it doesn't ever go away...some days ....some years we deal better than other...I ws dx with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder...5 years after my daughter passed...so it's been 10 years that I've known...and still can't get the triggers under control...my husband passed from cancer on her 36th birthday which was 18 months ago....her 15 th anniversary is August 26th...and I am having a horrible summer...we allhave to remember that there  is no right and no wrong way to grieve..it is individual..we all need help, comfort, support and caring...I have needed as much comfort and support now as I needed 15 years ago...I will feel lighter after the 26th passes....but only until the next time.....I wish you all peace...Angel

Hi Everyone...today is the 15th anniversary of my daughter's passing...she was 21..we had no closure because she wasn't viewable due to a horrific car accident...I don't feel totally out of it today but did for the past 2 weeks...I'm going to do what I've done every year for 15 years.. get dressed ..go to the cemetary.....but his year will be different for me...usually my husband went with me ...he was her step-father and even if he didn't get out of the car and gave me privacy he was still there...this year he's buried in the same cemetary..so I will stop and see him also...peace ......to all...Angel

Angel... thinking of you today....  I hope you have another special friend or person that can give some comfort to you as you face this day remembering the 2 you have lost.   ((((HUGS))))

Hello to all, I am thinking of you this morning.  No special reason, just as there is no special reason when our difficult days come.  Have been a little surprised myself at how difficult it has been for almost 2 weeks again.  There is definitely no way to figure out this thing called 'grief'.

Angel, are you okay with going alone?  Or do you have someone to go with you?  I don't believe in coincidences and I hardly ever get on the computer this early, but I was reading a Psalm and turned on the laptop, saw yours and Grace's comments.  Decided to go to your page and see where you live (if listed), and I know of your area.  Don't go there, but it's not far.  If you have no one, or don't wish to be alone, I can be there for you.  Do you by any chance go to that huge cemetery that I think is Springfield?  

Like I said, I don't believe in coincidences.  I feel I was meant to see your post and offer to be there.  

No day goes without a thought or memory of our child / children and I know that on special days it can be worse.  Whether you accept my offer or not, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as all who come to this site are.

Special hugs to you Angel.  Ammy your offer to Angel just confirms that we all have beautifuf hearts and totally get it, this thing called grief.  The daily struggles we share.  Sending a hug to you all.

Ammy....I can't thank you enough.Yes it is the big cemetary in Springfield. How thoughtful of you.....I went alone and cried and cried...but that's healing.....Thank you all for your hugs everyone....am sending peace to all of you...Angel..

Hey Angel, wow, 15 years...I can't imagine what I feel like when I too will be saying..."my son passed away 15 years ago". I haven't made the 3 year mark yet and my pain still feels like it did the day it happened to my 21 yr old son. All i can say to you and all parents that have lost their child, is that my heart hurts with yours.

yes Karen it is hard to believe that Angel has hit 15 years.....  I too can not imagine... but it is our new reality isn't it......  all of these anniversaries will pass and we will always remember them.... but I really never want to forget either.   My Niles life has meant so much to me.... his autism was very challenging.... and I worried so much about who would love him if I passed.... always hoped I would not leave him behind... always saw him in my future.... but life slaps us in the face with how fragile and random our lives are..... now when I hear of anyone passing.... I feel that random reality.... and know that another will enter the tunnel of grief..... PEACE

Yes Michelle....we all know! This really sucks.

Michelle, I hear you loud and clear.... so many people assume we are "Strong"  the truth is WE REALLY ARE NOT.... We just get up in the morning and Exist in this Reality....  And I too have had Days where I just want to stay in bed and have everyone leave me alone.... or I have had somedays where I wish people did not EXPECT me to be strong.... maybe I need someone to take care of me and not expect me to be the caretaker.   Michelle ... I am sure a lot of us will tell you we are no stronger than anyone else on this site.... we have all felt like small children needing comfort and sometimes searching for it and not finding it.

good morning everyone....I agree totally with Grace ...no one person is stronger than the other ..God didn't send us a manual on how to deal with the loss of one of our children...sadly I wish he did...Karen ..everyone will get where I am ...at 15 years....someday...then at 20 and then some at 30...there's no changing this nigmare....I made it through last weekend with alot of tears...and this week is different...I am leaving today to go visit the wonderful man God sent to me...he held my hand from 700 miles away all last weekend and I would like and need a vacation desperately so I am visiting him for a week...a wonderful person here told me to follow my heart and not let go of this Angel...I do believe he was sent  to me for a reason...and yes....Grace >..I also agree ...on wanting a caregiver sometimes...I have been one all my life at at 58 ..I am tired..but we still get up breathing every day without our children...and I feel we have to believe the rest peacefully in God's arms...I would have lost my mind if I didn't have God in my life....Peace