hugs to all

Well, late yesterday evening around dusk, I was laying on the bench in the church garden looking at the sunset and talking with Danny. The police came by and thought I was drunk or homeless. When I told him the bench was my son's memorial and I was talking to him, he just said "Sorry" and went on his way. I guess he thought I was crazy???

I am within 30 days of one year without Danny. It is getting hard, I am weeping a lot. I try to tell Danny I forgive everything and I love him so much. I just don't feel like a father any longer, I feel washed up. I should be celebrating his marriage or birth of a grandchild. It has been stolen from me. I am saddened by the current situation that I cannot change.

Apparently, life moves on. My son's girlfriend has a new relationship now. Life moves forward.

I don't think we should be sorry of the new relatonship. It is just a marker for me that Danny is not in our physical world any longer. Just a reminder to me. It just saddens me Danny is not participating in our life any longer in a physical way.

The photos do not age bothers me as well.

It is not courage, something else. I have summoned it and i will return his best friends call today and discuss a memorial for Danny at the 1 year mark.

My happiness now is so many people have viewed his video, thanks.

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/video/daniel-my-son-you-will-alwa...

Here is the memorial website I made for him.

You will always be remembered

Sue, my oldest is a Naval Aviator...I have stress of what could happen to him. 

Adrianne, may God ease all our pain.

Hugs and peace for us

I second that, Rosie, Hugs and Peace for all of us.

Dick - I understand that fear.

Sue

Dick, I so understand how you feel. My son's girlfriend told me a few months ago that she started seeing someone else. I tried to say the things she would want to hear, that my son would want her to move on, etc. but when I got home and was alone I just cried. It just hurt for me to think that she was ready to move on already, at that time it had only been like 7 months. Zach's anniversary is coming up too, I can't believe in September it will have been a years. Some days the pain feels like the accident just happened yesterday, but in other ways it seems so long ago that I was able to give him a hug or talk to him. I asked my husband a couple of weeks ago what we might like to do on that day, he said he just wants to be able to breath. It is really hard to talk to him about things, he is still so full of anger, but it comes out in different ways. It has been tough relationship wise. Has anyone else had that happen. Some days I feel like it has made us closer, and other days I feel like we are so far apart. I don't think I am making any sense. Prayers and hugs for us all. Robin

I signed on to comment, but first went to Danny's video and then went to Sue's page as I didn't recall her being here before.  I am so sorry for the loss of your children Sue.  I can't imagine living it twice.  

Now I'm utterly flustered because my mind is blank/numb.  Have no idea what I was going to write.  These black out spots worry me sometimes.  Do any of you experience this?

Thinking of you all and just praying.  {{{HUGS}}}

Danny, I will always love you.

Hi everyone,

I couldn't post what I had as it said it had too many characters so I put it as a blog.  I hope you will read it.

I received the writing from a friend, and it really touched me.  I don't know who wrote it.  Maybe a grieving parent that truly understands, but it's written as coming from a friend or maybe an angel.  I don't know, but oh how it made me wish my family and friends got it like this writer has.

Dick, just substitute he in where it says she.  I know it relates to you as well.

I posted it as:

Open Letter to a Closed-Off Heart... Loss of a child

Hope you all are okay.  {{{HUGS}}}

Thanks Ammy.

I am sorry, I thought I was getting better; but I am two weeks out from August 14 the day my son and my soul died. I am weeping everyday, I am sad a lot and it is getting worse. I feel like a failure constantly. I sometime feel like this is a bad dream and I will wake hopefully soon. I am just plain miserable.

Dick, I have just passed the 2 years (July14) and if it helps you I would like you to know that I have periods of time when I feel I'm doing better and maybe the hard part is finished, but it always seems to come back again.  Not quite as hard as before, but it's there.  I think it will always be with us, but gradually lessen in its intensity. 

It's like that saying they have about grief.  "You don't get over it, you get through it'.

Hang in there.  Minute by minute or day by day.  Just get through it.  You will have those less intense days again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  {{{Hugs}}}

It has been more than 3 years.... and with my 4th Annual Benefit coming up ... I continue to feel sorrow... replay those movies in the brain....   I haven't felt very well in the last week or so,,,, niether has my husband... we could not possibly have this at the same time Psychologically?   I keep his face in my brain.....  still hard to believe that my life has changed so much without him.... I still cry and get the blues.

Hello to all, haven't been on in awhile but have read through recent postings. As usual, my heart hurts with everyone, I can relate to everyone's words. I haven't been able to find the words to even type. I am still very angry and I also feel like this life isn't really a "good" deal. What's good about all of this pain and sadness. I will NEVEr be happy again......unless my son comes back to me whole and unharmed.

Hello. Don't know where to begin except I am missing my daughter so bad. 

so sorry to have to welcome you to our group.....  it is soooo hard to lose a child.....  hope you can find a place to vent here,,,,it has helped me.

Another hard day which is just one of many to face. My daughter was 7 months pregnant and due to the complications of it I lost her and my granddaughter. Harley was beautiful and should have been due this month. (It has been almost 3 months since I lost my daughter.) The pain is almost more than I can bear at times. I feel so lost.

Sherry...  it is so sad to have lost 2 at the same time.  Did she leave other Children behind?  I don't have any words to offer you any comfort.... I sit at my keyboard and wish I did.... but we all have had these same emotions and words just can't help.  This weekend is the 4th Annual Niles benefit that I raise money to help families still living with special needs in memory of my son who died in May 2009.  I cried til my nose could not breathe in the shower today.....  He was 14... (WOULD BE 17 Now) but is forever 14..... he had Autism and sometimes quite a challenge.... but I will always love and miss him.

I don't know what I can say to you except that it is still unbelievable that he is gone and although I have gotten to this point... I still have painful days.... and there are still times that I am Lost....PEACE

I find myself getting mad at Danny for leaving. :(

Greetings Sherry, so sorry that you have involuntarily joined this sad club. So sorry for your pain that I can relate to all too well. There are really no comforting words. My son passed away almost 3 yrs ago and my pain and grief is just as intense as it was the day that I was told that there was nothing else they could for my 21 yr son, my baby. It has not eased one bit. I will forever be broken. 

Some days i am on this site 2-3 times a day or more and others, I can't seem to get on, I'll be lost for words and won't get on for days. For me, the most important thing I get from this group is having my feelings validated and not judged by people who unfortunately get "it". They sincerely relate to my pain. As you scroll through the many postings and blogs, I am sure that you will see how much we all try to support one another.

Many hugs to you.

Hey Dick, I use to be angry at my son for "leaving" me also, I thought he was punishing me for the argument we had when he was convinced that I didn't take his side in a problem he was having with  a family member but now I realize that he would NEVER not fight for his young life. He loved his life. He loved his family and friends, hanging out, making his music. He loved life. He had so many plans and he had set so many goals for him self. He also hated to see me in pain, emotional or physical. If any thing, I am now tortured by my thoughts of him being angry that he was robbed of his young life, I use to hear him crying to me and saying "mom, look at me, look at what they did to your son!!" I am feeling guilty by terminating his life support, I feel like he's angry that I didn't give him enough time to recover from his brain injury, I feel like he feels like I gave up on him. I feel like he thinks I betrayed him by donating one of his kidneys. Now I live with...if you call this living, the guilt of contributing to my son's demise, his ending. He was supposed to have gotten better, he was suppose to have become whole again.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to Sherry & Pat.  You are not alone.  We understand what you are feeling even if you think no one else can understand.  Your loss is so fresh and you are now starting a new life.  One that I hope won't be so terribly cruel.

For most of us we have discussed the 'getting over it' comments from others so I would like to share something from another parent that we can all relate to in some way.

You Should Be Over "IT"...But What Is "IT"?

It's been a year or several years, you should be over it. What
exactly is "IT"?  But do people who have never suffered loss
really know what "IT" is? To us, the bereaved...

"IT" is five days after the funeral, and your world caves in with
reality of the loss.

"IT" is your first day back to work when every minute you are 
afraid you will burst into tears.

"IT" is going back into that church for the first time and 
remembering, but not remembering, and feeling that all eyes
are on you.

"IT" is dealing with all the legality of estates and such when all 
you want to do is hibernate .

"IT" is Thanksgiving Day. trying to find something to be thankful
for.

"IT" is Christmas without the merry, and New Years without the
happy.

"IT" is their birthday, but there is no them to celebrate.

"IT" is Valentine's Day, only this time no hearts and flowers to
share with them, and your heart is broken.

"IT" is your birthday, and there is still no them to celebrate it
with.

"IT" is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.

"IT" is Easter and everyone is singing "Let us Rejoice and be Glad"
but there is no rejoicing and no glad in your heart.

"IT" is Mother's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a
mother made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over
the birth.

"IT" is Father's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a
Father made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over
the birth.

"IT" is the 4th of July and the celebrations remind you just how
little you feel you have to celebrate now.

"IT" is vacation time and you just stay home, because there is
nowhere to go to not feel so empty.

"IT" is Halloween and you pass out candy, but you remember all
the memories of past happy times together and it makes you sad.

"IT" is looking at the moon and wondering if they see the same
moon like the two of you always did in the past.

"IT" is receiving the first wedding invitation to their friend's
wedding and knowing that life goes on without your loved one.

"IT" is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling
yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to
leave.

"IT" is being strong when you really feel weak.

"IT" is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn't ask for, didn't want
and can't even give away.

"IT" is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with their
name or even face. and it hits you in the face that THlS IS REAL!

"IT" is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of their personal
belongings.

"IT" is approaching an anniversary of their death and reliving
it all - oh yes, some things might be better but the void is no less.

"IT" is people forgetting and you cry, and people remembering and
you cry.

"IT" is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness.

"IT" is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking
breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your
dreams ...

{{{Hugs}}}

Ammy, thanks for sharing.......many hugs,

This group has been a blessing to me to know I am not alone and that you understand. I just wish we weren't here. Our children were everything to us and always will be. Thank you Grace, Karen R. and Ammy for your post. The pain is so unbearable and I feel if I let go all is lost. Is that crazy? I miss my daughter and granddaughter so much. They say you will find a new normal ,well I don't want a new normal. I am not very good at words so bear with me.

Sherry, say whatever you feel like.  There are no good words.  Allow yourself to grieve and comfort yourself.  It's something you have to do for yourself.  I understand where you're coming from.  I would never want to go back to the beginning.  It doesn't go away, it is part of us forever, but the beginning is so traumatic.  Sending {{{Hugs}}}

Karen, I have seen 'The Dash' before, but can not watch it now.  I hope it gave you some comfort.  {{{Hugs}}}

Hi Ammy, my friend sent it to me, hoping that it would give me some comfort, but to be honest, I know they meant well but it didn't. I just wanted to share it because she asked me to and I thought maybe someone else would benefit from it. Wow, I don't mean to sound so negative. They main thing that "helps" me...if there is such a thing, is having my feelings validated and judged. Thanks for your support.

Hi Sherry, I agree with Ammy, you don't have to hold back, no one will judge you, trust me, we all get "it". Some days I just read through the postings and don't comment. This new life is a roller coaster. I am still in shock.

Ooops Ammy, sorry for all the typos! It was supposed to read " NOT judged"