Michelle.... this group has been my counseling... I have not gone to any groups or grief counseling... My husband and I have tried a marriage counselor but I quit.... I really did not think she was helping... and she had not lost a child and maybe the "You need to let go of the past" retoric works for others but when you have a child that dies.... it is a past we all cling to for memories and the marrital issues may be different?  but when I found this online group I felt like there were others who have the same emotions and experiences.

I experienced this when my first son, died NO one mentioned him and the same goes with the death of my Terry, and people wonder why we isolate ourselves?? I was seeing a counselor and her remark to the me the second visit was " gee I have never worked with a person that has lost 2 children......that was the end of her........I read bereavement books and that is my help.......ugh , this is so terrible......I agree.

I have been having a hard time with this year's Benefit... I feel like everyone has forgotten about my son and no longer cares for the mission of our fund to help other people with special needs.... Yet I still get calls from families needing a shower or something to help them.... Even though some are encouraging... it is like they want me to just bury my son and forget this Mission.  And the fact that Zimmerman was able to get all that money after taking a poor teenager's life and others getting big donations because they were teased about being fat.... I mean WAY More Money than I ever Raised to help others in Memory of my son... it just floors me.

I am disheartened by the world... and my brother and Mother who just seem not to even care about anyone's feelings... I am in a Funk and I don't know if I am gonna get out of it ..... YES I want everyone to remember my son... he did exist.

Good morning all.  Another week is starting and I so want to see/feel a change, but.......

Two years is coming up for us on July 14th.  I don't think we will do anything this year, but we did last year and I'm glad we did.  So, to Dick, I would say do it.  It's a part of moving on even if only a small part.  I now have the pictures and video from that day and in a strange way it's nice to see those that cared for him coming together in his memory.

As most of you have experienced, they now are moving on with their lives and I would expect nothing less.  This is life, and it does move on for others.  Even my own life is moving on whether I want it to or not.  I can't stop life.  My youngest daughter is expecting a baby boy in October and as much as I'm happy for her I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Then I feel guilty, and I don't need to add that guilt to my grieving.  Enough is enough.

I also miss my son's daughter so much and just getting myself to call the lawyer is something I haven't been able to do, but this morning I told myself I will call and make an appointment.  I need to file these custody/visitation papers.

I'm still sorry for all that each of you are also going through.  I think we wish we could find a fix for this, but in reality we know there is none.  Just know you all are in my thoughts and prayers and I pray that this will be a kinder week for you.  ❤

Hello to all. I find this site and others like it, to be all the support I need. I attended a group before but I knew right away it was not for me. My family use to push me to try a one to one counselor but I felt like I don't need anyone telling me that grief is normal or explain the phases of grief. I just don't see how it would benefit me. 

Michelle, I think there will always be times that our eyes will fill with tears.  It can be anything that does it.  I agree that we now see the complaints of other parents about their kids as trivial, but did we before?  We are human and it's natural to complain.  I complained about things with my son, as with my my daughters, but I always loved them and forgave them.

I would love to see my grandbaby, but her mom has now stopped letting us see her because I kept talking to her about some possible abuse.  Things my granddaughter would say or how she would react caused not just me, but my husband and daughters to think something was not right.  She has always visited with us since she was born.  We had her here from 2 to 6 days out of the week.  I worry more about the emotional damage this is doing to her.  First losing her Daddy and now her PopPop who seemed to have taken his place.

I did call the lawyer and he saw us yesterday afternoon.  So, hopefully it won't be too much longer and she will be back visiting us.

Take care all.  I have to go.  Phone.

Hey Adrianne, my feelings exactly!!! I just feel like screaming!!

I don't think any of us know....hard to believe somedays... many days...

Adrianne, take this big hug (       )!

Hi everyone, so sorry I haven't been on for a while. Just moved my daughter and her family in with us for awhile. Life is so different these days. Today it has been 10 months since Zach's accident. I miss him so much, I still struggle with accepting that he is never coming home again. I just want to hug him and tell him I love him. What I would give for one more big Zach hug. It is nice having my family here, but I feel like I get so busy helping take care of my granddaugthers that I don't get that time that I had for me to think about Zach. Does that make sense, that I feel guilty when I get busy with everything and I am afraid he will think I fogot him. That will never happen. My husband is still having a really hard time, he suffers from clinical depression and I don't think he is taking his medication. If I question him about it, he gets angry, but it affects the whole family. He says that if he takes the medication, he feels numb and he doesn't want to feel numb. I was thinking the other day that it feels like our family is distancing themselves. We don't have that closeness, it is like everyone is constantly walking on egg shells. It really makes me sad, and then I get kind of angry at Zach for how this has affected us all. Then the guilt sets in for feeling that way. I know I am rambling. Thanks for always being here, it feels good to know you all understand. Big hugs to you all friends. Robin

Husband had to work tonight, my two youngest daughters are out of town, and my oldest daughter and her family who are living with us went to see fireworks. They invited me to go with them but I really wasn't up for it. I really needed some alone time. Zach loved the 4th of July, he loved setting off fireworks, one of his favorites. I took a walk around our neighborhood and watched and listened to all the fireworks going off. I just cried, missing him, so very much. My husband broke down today, and we talked hopefully that will help things a little. I got to have some me time, which allowed me to have my time where I can think about Zach and let it all out which I haven't done for awhile. I really needed to do that, even though it doesn't change anything. I talked to my brother who lost his son three years ago, and we talked about how if I forget that I just have to get through this moment. If I start thinking about having to go months, years, whatever without seeing Zach, that is when I really start to panic and the anxiety gets to breaking point. My husband said the same thing, some days he feels like he just doesn't know if he can do this. Do you all really panic when your other kids are away? That is what is really difficult, especially for my husband right now. He worries so much about them when they are out of town, what if something were to happen to them. I really try my best to turn it over, and know that it is not in my hands, but some days that is easier said then done. Sorry again I am rambling. Tough day. Hugs. Robin

I had an ok 4th.  Went horseback riding, did a few things to prepare for a camping trip... then picnic with close friends and watched a parade.   As cars were in the parade (Go Carts & Race Cars) I rememberred how Niles would have liked to see them.... but especially ride in one.   It has been 3 years .... and I still see his memories everywhere.   But I can still have some good in those days and memories.   I think the hardest thing to wrap my mind around is that his physical body has vanished.  And I can not hear his voice or touch him ever again.   But at the same time my memories prove he really did exist.   PEACE

Yesterday was the second 4th of July without my son Sam.  We have spent it over my other's son's house since they are allowed to shoot off fireworks where he lives.  We've been buying one large firework to shoot off at the end in tribute to Sam.  Sam, LOVED LOVED the 4th of July and shooting off fireworks!  I always feel he is there in spirit to share and watch the fireworks we have for him.  I so miss him so much!! Hugs to you all.   Through us, our children are never forgotten because everyday we think of them.  We either have a smile from a good memory or a tear due to the heartache... but through us they'll never ever be forgotten. 

Hey Robin, you are not alone in feeling guilty when you get involved with other things or events. I also feel like that makes my son feel like I am forgetting about him or use to him not being here. That is so far from the truth, I will NEVER get use to such a thing. I even feel guilty when I laugh at something funny.....which isn't too often. I feel like my family walks on egg shells dealing with me in regards to my grieving.

Oh boy, do I hear you all.  Hugs, hugs, & hugs!

I think most of us now know that this is our life now.  We need to find something to help us through each day.  I am doing better, but don't know for how long and if what I'm doing is mentally healthy.  It could come back and hit me harder, but I'm trying.

I know exactly what Robin said about thinking of 'never' seeing them here again.  I try hard not to go there.  It is the worst feeling, so I make myself think that I will be seeing him again.  Maybe not here, but when my time comes.  As long as I can believe that, I get through it.

Last night I was grieving for my granddaughter.  I can't believe how close the two griefs are even though I know she's here.  We just miss her terribly and maybe that is keeping me right now from focusing so much on our son being gone.  I don't know.  ???  I hate this confusion.

As Rosie said, "Through us, our children are never forgotten because everyday we think of them.  We either have a smile from a good memory or a tear due to the heartache... but through us they'll never ever be forgotten."  That is as long as we are here and I guess it won't really matter once we are also gone.  Life is just a circle and it keeps going around and around.  

I am thankful for my faith.  I know it has brought me as far as I've come.  Given me moments of calm and peace, and I always pray the same for all of you.  Moments of peace.   ~♥~

I had a dream of someone knocking on my front door. I could hear the voice to let them in; but in the dream I did not open the door. I keep thinking about this. Anybody good with dreams? What does this mean? I usually don't dream or remember dreams.

Dick, just doing a quick search of interpretations and came up with:

Knock: Dreaming of someone knocking is a metaphor of chances and opportunities that are knocking at your door. On the other hand it could mean that you need someone to offer help to you. A knocker is also a bad prophecy which symbolizes death and a fearful future.

If you are hearing knocking then your unconscious wants to warn you or inform you of some part of you or your life. You might be knocking someone, offending them, and the dream is telling you to stop.

To dream that the door is closed or locked signifies opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you have anti-social tendencies. If you are inside the locked door, then it represents harsh lessons that need to be learned.

To dream that you are locking the door suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear and low self-worth. If someone slams the door in your face, then it indicates that you are feeling shut out or some activity or that you are being ignored.

Don't know if any of this relates to you, but hope it helps.

{{{Hugs}}} to all.

I thought it maybe my son trying to contact me in a dream but I am fearful?

I have had some odd dreams about having a daughter. I don't have a daughter!

Unfortunately, I have not seen my son in a dream. I can lay on his bench in the garden and daydream about him whilst watching the clouds; but I can not dream about him at night. I want to so bad. 

I have never dreamed of my son either, I wish so badly he would tell me he is ok

I am sure that there is consciousness after we leave this life. Otherwise, what would be motivating us now? Our brain is just a mass of cells and there is something more, a consciousness. This is what leaves our physical body.

Now being a Christian, I am taught of a Heaven and a Hell as a afterlife. The more I read theology and history, these seem to be constructs of man. I cannot see our creator, of which we are all one consciousness since he made us, wanting to torture us/himself. He wants us to come to him and honour him as we should each other. Therefore, I feel we will all be with him at the end.

First Council of Nicaea ruled out reincarnation; which I am struggling with. It just seems the perfect method of educating our consciousness. Unfortunately, it seems we do not remember our previous life...maybe snippets; Deja Vu, odd dreams, innate knowledge. Danny, where ever you are I still love you, I hope you know this.

Going to go out on a limb here, but would really like to hear your opinions.

Would you feel better if your loved one was only sleeping?  

What do we know when we are asleep?

When we wake we have no idea how much time has passed.  We have just been at rest.

What if we just sleep when we die until it's time for all to wake up? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also believe what Dick said about being with God at the end,  but there are conditions.  And the end is not here yet.  So where are we until the end?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for dreams...  They say everyone dreams, but some do not remember.  I have always been a non dreamer or non remember-er for the most part.  I remember an occasional dream and sometimes fragments of a dream.  I have had 3 dreams of my son.  Two were so short.  One was more detailed.  I have to admit that I was happy to have them even though the two short ones were not pleasant, but at least I saw him and was with him.

Well, that's my crazy talk for today.  Let me know what you think.

Sending hugs to all and hoping for a calm week.

Hello to all, I have had dreams/visions of my son before but no where near as many as I would like. Actually, I just want my son back......no dreams. The 1st dream I ever had, someone else interpreted it as my son sending me a message. I dreamed that I was part of a team that was responsible for studying and caring for one particular snake. The snake was mostly yellow. When I described the snake, I was told that it was a python.  In the dream, the snake was contained in box in a lab setting. Myself and 2 others were holding down the lid to keep the snake from escaping because it began to go crazy and was trying to break out. It had super strength, we could barely hold on. Finally I decided to lay my body across the top of the lid to add more pressure but snake snake became more angered and knocked me off and it escaped. It ran out into the jungle and we began to chase it through thick bush and mountains, I decided to end the chase and told the others just let it be. I was so sad but i said we can't capture it. 

It was interpreted as the snake being my son, they said that yellow color was good but black would have been bad. They said that my son was trying to tell me that it wasn't good that I had been trying to hold on to him, for he had been on life support and declared brain dead, much to my denial. They said it was my son's way of letting me know that I did the "right" thing. I had this dream about a month after he passed away. I still have tremendous guilt over whether or not I made the right decision in ending his life support. I feel like I helped kill my son. Does anyone else have any other interpretations on this dream, either negative or positive?

Michelle, Have peace in knowing that your son is with God. I was raised Catholic & Baptist but have since coverted after losing my daughter last year. Your concerns are normal and I had the same concerns myself. A week before I lost my daughter we had a brief discussion on God, she asked me if I believed and I whole-heartedly said YES. I was felt a quiet disappoinment in myself when I felt compelled to ask her...I was disappointed that the question actually had to be asked. Her response was "I don't know, sometimes I do, but I'm not sure." Looking back and having other children to raise I KNOW this is one of my biggest errors. But I felt a strong urge to respond to your comment...God is merciful! The children that we miss sometimes intervene for us. Michelle, your son is on the other side...he may have believed more than you know. God has many names in different religions, but we have only ONE God, the same God. I truly believe God understands us and accepts us for our weaknesses, if our hearts are pure and if we truly have good intentions now and in the afterlife then all will be alright. Fear is feeding the devil...don't give him that power of your thoughts, please. God bless you, and I hope you have some peace.

Yes Michelle, speaking for myself, I relate everything to my son. I don't know what's "normal" anymore. I am tormented by my thoughts of what my son must have felt before he loss consciousness.

I also am still going through the obsession of trying to find my son, meaning when I am out, I purposely look for young men/boys that look my my son. I still tell myself that i have been mistaken and look for my son to cone through the door daily. Some days I can't take the mental torture and i just want to disappear. I envy all of the parents that still have ALL of their children. If only I could see and hold him again.

I believe with all of my heart that God is merciful.  Our children did not suffer or feel the pain while crossing over.   Angels, their guardians and any family that had already crossed over was there to meet them to help with the transition.  My mother-in-law whom I loved dearly was there to greet my son.  This gives me comfort that he was not alone.  These are just my thoughts and feelings to be true.  Hugs to you all.

Thanks Rosie, that was very encouraging.

Today I wanted to share a conversation I had with a friend.  It just confirms time and time again, that people who have not gone through what we have gone through just do not get it.  They're not trying to be mean.... they just don't get it!!!  Here is the conversation.

Friend:  Its is great to remember those who have moved on to the next world. Please continue, but do not forget to hold those who are living very close as well.  They need it the most.

Me:  It's a fine balance these days.

Me:  To lose a child, it's something you never wish on anyone.  And when you actually go through it.... it is beyond comprehension.  I never understood what parents went  through until it happened to Bill and I.  Will I ever be the same person I was before March 3rd, 2011?  No...   Have I grown as a human being after experiencing something this terrible?  Yes.  I show the people in my life that I love them in so many ways.  But they also know that a part of me is still hurting and missing my son Sam.  There is that void that never will be filled until I get to see Sam again.  My family have learned to give me my space and respect those days that are not to good for me and let me be.  I'm strong and I carry on to do what needs to be done but I've also learned the hard way that sometimes, I don't have to be strong and I can lean on my family and friends for support.  I love you all for the support you have shown Bill and I and our families go through this.  Namaste.

Friend:   I am glad to hear you talking this out. I can only relate to this as of June 30 this year, when my dog died. There is an empty place in my being, so I can relate somewhat. Sorry

Me:  Sorry to hear about your dog.  They are part of our families too.

Oh Rosie, can you believe that.........No , people will never ever ever get it.......someone who has lost a child are the only people that get it.  It is so sad and so lonely to travel this road with your friends.  A support group that consists of people that have lost their children will get it, but that is all.   Sometimes I am alone much more than I actually want to, for that reason.  I am sorry Rosie, but I do know and it is so sad....thank goodness for Compassionate Friends.....I would be lost without that group, even though I feel so lost anyway......

Sending Hugs to you Elaine!

Hi friends, haven't had a chance to get on for awhile. My oldest daughter, and my two granddaughters moved in with us so life is a little hectic around here these days. It is usually very good for me, my granddaughters are such a blessing, but I admit I miss my alone time, time when I allow myself to miss Zach and grieve. Today was my youngest daugther's birthday. Before she was born I remember Zach saying that if the baby ended up being another sister he was going to stab himself in the head (he was very dramatic). When Meg was born, I told my sister in law to watch Zach closely when she told him he had another sister (he had no brothers). He was okay with having another sister, and ended up being very close to Meg. The two of them would hang out and do things together all the time, especially as they got older. I missed him so much today, knowing he should have been there with us. Knowing we were all thinking the same thing, all of us missing him. I hate that we all have to hurt and miss our kids so much. I am still trying so hard to accept it and come to grips with the fact that no matter what I do, I can't ever change it. I too worry that he might have been scared or suffered. They told us that he fell approximately 80 feet and that he wouldn't have suffered, but do they really know? What did he think about when he was falling, was he scared? I try to stop those thoughts but I can't help it sometimes. I can only pray, and believe that some day I will see him again. I don't blame God, but I sure do have some questions for him. So very sorry, and you are all so right, unless you have lost a child you just don't understand. So glad you all understand. Big hugs. Robin