I never have been good with plants and flowers..... so I would not have been as upset because I have always had plants die.  It has been a long 3 years..... Yes has gone on... but it has been full of saddness, marital problems, issues with my other kids, and yes plenty of sobbing.  But I have also been able to have some good times.  My horse friends have listened and so have my other friends.  My family such as my siblings and mother have been a real let down.  I have felt like an abandoned child in a deep pit..... but there have been also the help from my friends....  I guess what I am saying to those of you with in the "Year" marker is that there will be ups and downs and somedays are roller coaster rides.... I've come 3 years... it has been an experience from hell.  But I have survived....and have re- prioritized things in my life.... learning from a real school of hard knocks.... I don't think the "Knocks" come any harder than this....

Hi Everyone, I just finished catching up with the posts.  I have been staying away as it was getting harder for me to be reading all this sadness, confusion, and hurt, but I know it's all normal.  I have the same things going on with me.  Each day is now a "how is today going to be?"  Can not plan ahead anymore.

Some days I am numb and just exist through the day, other days I will be okay, and then there are the days when the thoughts just won't give me a break.  Tears still flow often and I don't fight them.  I have figured that this is now my life.

Today is 100 weeks, tomorrow is his birthday.  I'm sad, but feel sort of numb to the fact.  It's still just another day to get through.  Have no plans to do anything.  Thought about it, but decided it doesn't really mean anything and will not help.  He's still not going to be here.

His daughter's mother has now taken our Granddaughter from us.  She is upset with me because I suspected some abuse and thinks I keep talking about it to her because she has moved on and is starting a new relationship.  I could care less about her new friend.  I love my Grandbaby and will do anything to protect her so now we have to go and file Custody papers with the court to be able to see her again.  Some people are so hateful.  I can't believe she would do this.  Not so much to us, but our Granddaughter has always spent two to four days a week with us since her birth.  She would call her PopPop if she hadn't seen him for two days and tell him to come get her.  My heart is now breaking for her too.

Life just seems to keep getting more difficult.

As for plants and flowers, we have made a small area in our back yard this year with flowers and put his little plaque there.  I can sit on the deck and look out and see it.  Gives some comfort at times.  I still have been able to keep the plants we received at first alive.  I don't know how they are living because I'm not a plant person and I just water them, but I'm grateful to still have them.

We all just need to do what we can for ourselves to get through these days.  I wish I had a solution to help, but I don't think there is one.  We all grieve the same and differently.  My husband also has his own way.  We do talk a little more now about our son, but for the first year we avoided it.  I think we both were afraid it would upset the other.

So you see that as I read your posts with all your confusion I also have mine.  We are normal in this new life we live.

Sending my love and wishing peace to you all.

   I truly am sorry Ammy, for what you are going through, with your granddaughter.   Life is so hard at times.   The death of a child , and in my case , 2, is just so wrong.  They were so hard to cope with when I had Bobby, gone, birthdays, anniverseries, ect, ect ........but now to go through this twice is overwhelming to me.....I feel that this is just my life and I cannot do anything about it.  I read a lot of bereavement books , and sometimes they do help, but the thing it is a hard path to go down.. The ones left behind are the one who suffer, I so badly wish it had been me instead of my children.   Dick , I know what you felt with that plant, this sounds so silly , but I had a fish and one morning a month ago , he had died....I sobbed for a day......I am so sorry for all on here for I do know your pain, but our children would not want this for us.....please take care everyone, and you are all in my heart when I think of the sadness of my own children......love, lynne

Hey Jessica, I was just strolling through the postings and your last one connected with me exactly. I feel like you about losing your mind. I don't want my son to come to me in different forms of life.....I want him NOW, in the life he had!!! I am soooooooo sick of this sh*t!!! Sorry if I sound angry but I am. I hate this crap! I ask myself all the time why do I have to accept this, how will this all ever be ok? I am sorry that I don't have any comforting words to offer. Thanks to all for listening.

Hello to all, I haven't been on in a few but as I read, my heart aches with of you. Some days I just don't have any comments. Many hugs.

Hey Dick, so sorry for the loss of your plant. I still have a plant from my son's funeral that I cherish more than words could express. I baby that plant, I would be devastated if something happened to it.

Ladies and Gents, I just checked the plant and it still has a few green shoots on it left. I put it into Critical Care. I just don't understand? I have a green thumb and can grow anything. Rarely do things die, if it resurrects it will be the second time; I saw it as a sign from my father the first time. I hope it is not a bad sign from my son.

I was praying this afternoon on Danny's bench and all of a sudden a red rose popped into my mind. If I dream it is usually in black and white. This was odd, because every time I invoked Danny's name it would return. I hope this is good sign. 

Great, hopefully your plant will revive itself.

good luck with plants everyone....I grow wonderful weeds like burdock.

but my friend has planted Apple Trees... (One next to Niles Bedroom)  Yes I stilll call it Niles Room.... after 3 years...   SHe also planted a Lilac and other plants outside... some have not survived but some have.

Hey Grace, yes it most definitely is still your son's room and his things are still his "things". Our children had a life, their existence was NOT our imagination. He will always be your son and you will always be his mom.

many hugs!

Onew of my sisters said she did not believe in talking about dead people anymore.... this after the whole incident where my brother argued with me and told me I should have had an abortion instead of having my Autistic son.... And she tells me that My Mother is upset with me because when she conbtinues to support this creep and heard him.... I told her she was Not My Mother or My kids Grandma to allow and enable my brother to be so evil and Bully us...   Some how I don't feel I should be sorry for defending the honor of my dead son.

Of course not!!! Why should you feel guilty? My son's voice may have been silenced but mine's has not! I know you love your sooooo much! This all hurts so much and your "family" only adds to your stress and pain........shame on them.

Thanks Karen..... somehow I have had time to reflect how many times my family has let me down.... and especially did not accept my son....I am re-evaluating my priorities toward families.  others have said things like... "Your Mother will not be here much longer" as if I should feel guilty and go back a ask for her forgiveness and make good before she dies.... and my response is "My Son is No Longer Here"..... Yet I should just let his memory get walked on.... and after having this child for 14 years... I should have had an abortion and it is My fault I have given him such value as a Living Human Being..... OOOOOOOHHHH I get so angry..... Why should my Mother Be My Mother and this Child's Grandmother when she tolerates hearing this bullSh@t..... and then lies and covers it up and tries to blame me or make me look like I am over exagerating or lying.   I just can't believe that I should be the one to make amends with my family that has treated me this way.

I  am sorry Grace for all you are going through......I did not like somethings my brother and sister said and did about my son.   And to be honest, I do not contact them.....I am to hurt with my sons' death to bother with that b.s. that they did or say......I am suffering enough, so I chose to cut communications with them.....but that is just me......is it right?  I truly do not know, all I do know is right now, I just do not need more stress than what I have already............I am so sorry Grace, for I know what this feels like also......please do not get to stressed out for your body will start getting sick......take care, Grace....

dear grace.. At loss to say anything meaningful... Cannot believe that your own brother and family would be so cruel towards you and Niles... those hurtful comments now that they way they treated innocent Niles.. I am truly at a loss to comprehend where they coming from and why they still carry on acting like they do... We should never stop talking about our loved ones... I will never stop tailing about my wonderful sister.. whoever does not want to listen.. they can stay off me... I have no need for people who cannot share or understand my love towards her.. and how much I miss her... they should been holding out to you rather than the other way rounds... so sad that they still do not get it..  

Thanks everyone for your support.  It has been a long 3 years.  I am glad that I finallly found this site to talk to other people who have given me more compassion and understanding than the people around me have.  My marriage has been struggling. I have felt so isolated and alone.... still do. but this outlet has helped me talk freely and I think my direct home life with the husband is more tolerable... not great but civil.... maybe the marriage will survive this stress. 

My friends are very supportive but I really do not think anyone could possibly understand why even after 3 years... I am not going to be "OVER IT".  They still have thier kids.  Somedays it is hard for me to observe and keep quiet when I see them taking for granted that thier child is immortal.... when we all know here how "Random" Death can visit anyone of us.... I even find myself  "Over Protecting" thier kids. I think to myself "Don't they understand that that kid could injure themselves and be erased forever?"  (Some of these kids are world travelers... ski jumpers.... risk taker type of sports and activities)  and yes now they are young adults.... so are my 2 still living at home.   It is so hard to let them go.....  it is nice to also know that it is ok to step away from my family that have created more stress.  I need positives not more Evil and Hate in my life.  My mother's sister arrived for a visit with my mom... don't think I will see her... sure my Mother will Spin the truth  "Her Way".... No issues with my Aunt but will not go there... she will need to seek me out... I will no longer run into the "Burning Building" to try to gain a "Family relationship" that really has never existed  for years... I am just waking to that fact.

I

Grace you are very welcome for my support. You just can't get into people's minds and hearts sometimes, I don't know why some people are so cruel. Everyone is different but for me, I would NEVER be able to forgive my mother or anyone else for that matter, if they turned on any of my children.

I so agree with you Karen, I would never be able to forgive anyoe that turned on any of my children........good for you , Grace, you will need not put up with their nonsense anymore, and maybe that can bring you some peace instead of hearing hateful words of your child....Never allow anyone to hurt you, we have been hurt enough by life.  

Hello to all, it seems like we all have been kind of quiet lately. My heart , what's left of it, is still heavy. I miss my son so much. Many days I just feel like giving up but then I look at the bigger picture of how my children would be further destroyed by losing me also. Sometimes I think maybe I need a few days in a psychiatric unit.  Some days I don't to be fake to others about the pain I'm in. I still get angry when I hear my mother on the phone telling her friends or family members that I'm, that I'm "ok"........I am NOT!!!!!! Some days I just want to scream and cry as much as I want and shout about my tortuous pain, sometimes I fine myself zoning out, its like I watch myself from above.....really weird, hard to explain. It's I'm watching myself in a movie, better yet, a horror film! I see myself being tormented by thoughts that my 21yr old son....my baby, was tragically killed and he had a funeral......and then like a ton of bricks hitting me, I realize that I am not watching a horror film, I am actually in it! This really happened to my son. I try to convince myself that someone or something is controlling my mind to make me think this is a reality. This must be true insanity. I can't stand hearing from "lay" people.....meaning those who have not walked in my shoes, that tell me that these "things" happen for a reason, or that it will all be better with time. I know that they mean well and that may very well be true for some but not for me. I can not accept this. It does not comfort me to know that we must all meet this fate, for that does not comfort  a parent that had to bury their child. Time passing by only makes me angry because another second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year goes by without me hearing my son call me mother or mom, I am so f*@k!n mad!!!!! I hate this crap!!!! I want this to be a PERFECT world where we all live a PERFECT life, a place where death, pain, grief, hunger, sickness, greed, competition, jealousy and war DON"T exist. I know it's not realistic but hey, I can still hope for it. 

Hi Karen, I know what you mean when you say about people saying or doing dumb things.   Your son , is in a better place?   Asked them to pick out one of their children and picture them in a "better place"  where they can no longer, laugh, cry or love that person again.  Asked them" what child did they pick to do this."  This is the hardest thing people can do.....that is bury their child..I am so sorry for my sons and all the other moms that have lost their children.......hang on Karen, I am sorry.    When people ask me if I am ok, I answer no, it takes a long time and you are truly never ever ok, you just learn how to cope with life........that is all......

Hey Lynne , thanks for listening, your support means everything. I know that the "lay" people are not purposely saying dumb things or being insensitive but it still hurts. Hopefully they will never know this pain.

Hopefully they will not, Karen, but I wish people would stop and think before they give their "worldly advice" .   I know , how hard this is and I struggle just to maintain life ..please take care of yourself , Karen....I am so sorry for your pain and other peoples' pain that have lost a child...That pain is so terrible........I feel it with all of you...for I have it too.......ugh, I hate it..............

I was at a Graduation Party and ran into many former Church friends including the pastor who asked how I was doing... I said on the outside I look fine but I am still Not Fine on the inside.  I told him my faith is only 1/2 the mustard seed and I don't have the strength to be comforted by God so all my Church friends need to pray for me to get through this time because My faith is very weak.   I told him I felt like Jesus when he said "Why have YOU Forsaken Me?"  I think he was understanding.....It has been a long road these last 3 years and I have had so much crap with family and marrital stress....  

I still replay this movie over and over.... the death, Cremation, Organ Donation....  I wish I could turn the power off to my brain!

Hello to everyone. Wow, Grace, I feel the same about being able to turn my brain power off. It still sounds so crazy to me when I hear that my son had a funeral....I can not believe it. I watch the horror film with them telling me that there was nothing else they could do for him and me trying to make him respond after they said he passed away and me looking for him every minute out of my window to see if he was coming in the days leading up to his funeral and me actually going to a friggin cemetery and watching them lower my 21yr old son into the ground. I am sooooooo mad, I feel like I am about blow!!!!!!

I randomly have this movie play... when driving... just sitting.... today when having my blood drawn...  It just doesn't stop...  I was telling the story again to the hospital staff... how you just never "Get Over it"  Losing a child... doesn't matter how they die... KIDS are not supposed to die from anything,  cancer, accidents, seizures,  Anything!  and it really doesn't matter how they died... just that they are dead and not ever coming back again.

I thought I was the only one that is tormented by thoughts of my son's autopsy, I have NEVER shared that with anyone. Sometimes I actually physically beat myself up over not preventing that from happening, I feel like I failed him even further by allowing them to perform that. I am always begging him for forgiveness for that. The 2 things that torment me the most are my thoughts of me imagining how my son must of felt when he was being chased and then crashed, I imagine is intense fear and anger he must of felt right before the impact and up until he loss consciousness and the other is the autopsy.....which even now, I avoid saying it, or typing it.... it makes me crazier. To try to avoid becoming fixated on it, I flood my mind with thoughts of my pregnancy  and childbirth of him. I try to think of him playing his keyboard anything to distract me . Sorry if i upset anyone, that's not my intentions.....so sorry if i did.

My movie has been of the whole process... including the harvesting of his organs on the operating table... of us leaving him in the ICU room when they declared that he was dead... and of cremation...... I never want to talk to anyone about this either Karen because I think I will be ready for the men in the white coats.... and if we think of how uncomfortable it is of those who have never experienced a loss of a child... they could never handle what is locked into our brains......   they for sure want us to just shut up... think of Jesus... not of our kids body being cut up... or burned and ground into those ashes that come back to us in a little white box...... for sure we have mental illness!  I am convinced that nobody could walk through my brain and survive what goes on in there.   I am not so sure I can be left alone to long in there myself.... I try to Push it out of my mind too Karen.... I think this is HELL!

Oh dear grief friends, how I understand your feelings.  I think we have to imagine the things we do to be able to cope.  I still find myself thinking he'll be here soon or I have to tell him something when he gets here.  As soon as I do it I realize that he's not going to be here.  Then I get on the computer and distract myself or turn on the TV.  The quiet is unbearable.  I can't even go to sleep without the TV on because my mind will start to think about him and all the crap that is still going on.  

My daughter and I saw the Coroner last Friday and he is asking the DA to reopen the case and further investigate.  I'm glad in one way, but on the other hand it just seems to keep it so fresh.

My son's birthday was last Thursday.  His daughter's mom let us visit his daughter for the afternoon.  We hadn't seen her in almost 2 weeks.  She ran to me and jumped into my arms and wouldn't let go for at least 5 minutes.  Doesn't her mom realize she is only torturing her more?  My husband and I are adults and can deal with it, but my little granddaughter doesn't understand why she can't see us anymore.  I have the papers to file for custody/visitation, but I can't figure all of them out so now I have to get a lawyer to help with that.

It's bad enough just trying to get through each day, but then to have all these other things going on I do feel like I'm going to collapse one of these days and not get up again.  And I really don't care if I do.  I do think about my daughters and husband, but I guess I'm selfish because I am ready.

Yes, that brain power does not shut down and I also feel like I'm watching myself sometimes from outside Karen.  I don't know if all these things are our bodies way of helping us or what.  Actually, most of the time, I feel like I don't know anything anymore except I'm grief exhausted, if there is such a thing.

I wish for you all some time of rest where you're not being ________.

I do have those times, but not as much as I would like.  Hopefully they will become more frequent for all of us.

You are all in my thoughts & prayers.  I do pray.  I need to have faith in something or it would be even worse.  I believe that one day I will hug my son again and that helps me to keep going.  He is just away.

Take care of yourselves as best you can.  

(¯* •. ¸ ♥ ♥ ¸. • * '¯)

Yes Ammy.....just away, I try to convince myself of that also. My son's case is still under investigation as well. I am grief exhausted also. The mind is something else. I hope the situation with grand daughter brightens.

Grace, how sorry I am for all of us. I am glad that the door was finally opened for me to reveal my horror movie.  I keep having dreams that my teeth are falling out, I've heard that is symbolic of my life falling apart.....I wonder if that's true, it sure seems accurate.

it's been awhile again; so often I find myself isolating or hiding from the world, and yet I stay so busy I can't think the rest of the time. Strange life this has become. Recently someone said, "the harsh reality is that life goes on," and I wanted to let them know that for us, our world ends, and we have to find a way around this new & sad world. I have missed everyone here; reading over comments and sending so much love. 

My daughter was 17 yo, would have 18 now. All of her friends have graduated, it hurt sending them all graduation cards but I felt Soleil wanted me to. I miss her so much, Tuesdays are my therapy days and I struggle to keep the tears inside. I'm so happy I found this website, I work alot and have other children to care for so it's difficult for me to find time to make group meetings. Today is my first day on here and I just want to say I have felt and had the same thoughts...you all are NOT alone!

I  am so sorry to have you here Soliel's mommy , I am sorry we all have to be here.    To lose your child is truly the worse thing that can go wrong in a persons' life......the world just becomes so sad...and scary...but you are right , Lorraine, the harsh reality of life does go on.......

breating in and out..... my former pastor asked what I am doing with all of this experience..... and I said I just wake up and know that I breathe in and out and take it one breath at a time somedays.....

I have had a benefit to remember my son... August 11 is the 4th Annual.. after the 3rd year without him.  We Raise money to give to other families living with special needs.... so far we have given $9000 out as Random Acts Of Kindness Donations.... I work this thing so hard... My son was an Organ, eye, Bone, Brain donor..... Last night I was thinking how this George Zimmerman raised $155000 to 200000 in donations to defend him in the Stand Your Ground for taking a young boy's life... where he should have just backed off and let the police check this kid out...... Amazed how I stuggle to help others in memory of my son and this guy gets a flood of money... just doesn't make sense to me...... 

Grace, I swear this world is nuts.......this is a sick world....Congratulations and thank you  to your son, for making someones ' life worthwhile

Hello  Lorraine, nice and sad to hear from you all at the same time. You aren't kidding about the harsh reality that life goes on, even though I feel like mine's ended. Sometimes I just read everyone posts and don't comment.

Greetings Soliel's Mom, this is a club of forced membership.....no volunteers here!!!!! I am so sorry to learn of yet another parent's loss. It's so hard to see my son's friends and cousins go on with their lives as if he never existed. My children try to convince me otherwise, they tell me that I am just extra sensitive and that no one has forgotten him. No matter what, I still feel like they have. 

I depend so much on this group, everyone's support has been tremendous. It's makes a big difference to have your feelings validated and not criticized or judged. I sadly and regretfully welcome you with open arms.

Grace, that's absolutely wonderful that the benefit in honor of your son raised so much funds.

I agree what you said about Zimmerman, this world can be really twisted, I know his parent's pain and anguish all too well.

Love and hugs to all, good night!

Danny's friends approached me and want to do a one year memorial. I am not sure, should I let them? What should the venue be? I just don't know and it gives me stress. I feel like I would be living through a funeral again. Any suggestions would be helpful.

I spent the weekend with a good friend who lost her husband 7 years ago... We were in his Home Town..... and she was having many fond memories with some of the locals who remembered him.... It was so positive to see her remember him and we talked about it alone how it feels to have people still talk about him.... "It Proves He really DID Exist and left an impression" ... Yes it is good to hear others remember her loved ones....I know it feels good to have those respect my loved one too.....

GRACE, YOU ARE SO RIGHT. I RECENTLY TOLD A FRIEND OF MINE HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ALL OF US LEFT BEHIND, TO HEAR OUR LOVED ONE'S NAME SPOKEN OR TO JUST LET US KNOW THAT THEY REMEMBER THEM. SHE HAD BEEN PROCRASTINATING OVER WHETHER OR NOT TO CALL ONE OF BEST FRIEND'S MOTHER.....THAT FRIEND UNFORTUNATELY PASSED AWAY. SHE THOUGHT CALLING HER MOM WOULD ONLY UPSET HER, I TOLD HER ABSOLUTELY NOT.