Sue, I am so sorry , it is so hard to lose both children, I did too, they were 13 months apart.  Bobby I lost to manic depression, and Terry to a heart attack, that I had no idea he had a bad heart.  My heart goes out to you and you are right people just do not think.  Sometimes people just say dumb things not realizing what they are doing to the person who is greiving.....I also had a bad day yesterday, I know, Sue, I know..............(((((hugs)))))

Dear Adrienne, I know what you mean about getting worse! But somehow, we have to push forward. Time has not eased my pain one bit.

Ugh you are right Karen, mine either, I had to leave where I food shop for it became to hard hearing the music in the background.   This is so hard.

Going now to put flags on my father and uncle's graves for memorial day and to talk with Danny for a while.

Yes, it hurts but I have been able to reserve my grief everyday for the church garden. I seems to be my pressure relief that allows me to function everyday. I look forward to it.

Danny's video.

http://youtu.be/WmfvoVTives

Oh Dick , I am so sorry, I know the pain of losing someone you love.  I lost 2 sons and the pain in my heart is so heavy.   I must learn more about the computer so I can share some of my sons' pictures.   Please take care of yourself....what a handsome boy he was....I am so sorry..

Hi everyone. It is coming up on 9 months since Zach's accident. Some days I seem like I am doing okay, then it could be the next day or even in an instant something will hit me and I feel the pain so intense like the whole thing had just happened. I will feel sometimes like I am really doing okay, what is wrong with me that I am doing okay. I should not be able to function, and then I will feel guilty. Then I will have a bad day, and feel like I just feel like going to bed and pulling the covers over my head and never getting up. I know that is not an option, it would not be fair to my daughters or granddaughters. I know my husband has still been having a really hard time. His turns to anger, he just gets really pissed off. Not sure how I can help him, but this whole thing has played a toll on our family. My youngest daughter, lost her college scholarship, it was the beginning of her freshman year. She had only been away at school for 10 days before the accident happened. She and my other daughter decided to not go back to school that semester but returned the following semester. My other daughter, was able to keep it together school wise and got a 4.0. Just shows you how different every one is. Have the rest of you experienced similar problems. Hugs to all. Robin

Robin,

I got angry with Danny at the gravesite on Sunday. Sometimes you must.

Sunday was the 3 year marker of Niles Death.... and Monday was my 24 year Wedding Anniversary.... forever to be marked by the day after our son died.

My family didn't even call... but why would the folks who recently told me I should have had an abortion care about my feelings anyway?

Just sending you a big  hug Robin :(

Sorry Grace, so sorry. Big hug to you.

Big hugs to all

Grace I have to say your family is horrible!!  We have a few special needs family members and they are all so very loved and accepted by all.  My sister has the most wonderful daughter.  She was born with down syndrome and they were told 34 years ago to just put her in a home.  NOT!!  She is the most beautiful, loving, compassionate, talented person you would ever be lucky enough to know.  My son was injured in that motorcycle accident, had brain damage, was physically handicapped as well and did my family turn their backs on him.  NO!!  Unfortunately you cant pick your family.  My heart breaks for you that they would be so cruel.  soooo very wrong.  Im glad you found this place where you know people care for you and understand your loss.  Big hugs to you.

Robin Im so sorry.  I do the exact same thing.  I have a really bad day like yesterday and I chastise myself for it.  I tell myself they would not want me to be so unhappy.  And then I have a good day and feel soo guilty.  How can I be happy when they are gone?  What is wrong with me that I can be ok even if for a minute?  We all need to be let off the rollercoaster because it makes my heart hurt, and my head spin. 

Sorry I haven't been around for awhile and I see we have some new members that I wish were not here.  We all understand the emotions and wish they would just go away, but I know they won't.  Maybe temporarily we get a little relief.  

My son's B'day is coming up and then the 2 years.  I find myself in a place I can't describe.  I feel like I'm living in a fantasy world - avoiding the truth.  Doing anything I can to ignore the truth.  And just waiting for the end to come.

I'm very sorry for everyone's loss(es), but I can't help.  What an awful feeling when I've always been able to help someone get through their problems.  This is just too big for any of us.

I'm sorry I had to let it out.  I hope I haven't upset anyone.  If you are a believer, please pray for me.  I feel like I'm 2 different people.  One for myself and one for everybody else.  It's killing me.

I pray for God's mercy/grace for us all.

Hugs to all.

OH AMMY HOW I CAN RELATE!  I just went through the golden Birthday ... he would have been 17 on April 17.... then this May 27 is 3 years from his death.  And Have a question of the existence of a GOD who has put such pain in my life..... I ask my Believer friends to Pray for me too... because I have less than a Mustard seed of faith these days.

Grace, I am so sorry, but you know they say  you can't pick your relatives, but you can pick your friends......my family has not bothered with me either, but you know what.....I really do not care, for if you cannot be kind to someone with this sadness that we have, why would I want them in my life anyway......Please take care..........((hugs)))

I found out Methodist Hospitals have a grief support groups. You all should check the closest one to find out. I think they help.

Thanks Dick, I may check out the grief support group at the hospital. I go to Compassionate Friends, but like you know, that only meets once a month sometimes I think I need more than that. Ammy, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like when I go to work, or whatever, I put on that mask so I can go through the motions and do what I need to do. So many people have told me what an inspiration I am, how I have gone through this whole experience with such Grace. I always tell them, that it is may mask that is on, when I get home and let the walls as they say "come a tumbling down". I think we do what we have to do. I do believe that all the prayers from everyone have helped me, or I would still be in bed to this day. Big hugs and prayers for all of us. Robin

Adrianne go through the motions. Sorry, we must.

((((HUGS)))))  another Day...

Hugs back Grace & to all others.  My thoughts exactly Grace ... another day.

Grace, not to get into any deep faith talk, I do understand how you feel about God.  I think we all go through that.  How could God allow such a thing to happen?  I feel I am fortunate in that I have found answers and peace as far as God is concerned.  I don't blame Him anymore.  I hope you can find this peace too.  At least it's something in this mess of a life to hold on to.

Sending prayers and hugs.

Ammy, you described how I feel exactly......2 different people. That's me for sure. I find it to be frustrating to act like I'm "OKAY" in front of some people just because my mourning makes them uncomfortable. I must admit I still don't do well with covering it up for people.  I guess that's why I prefer to outwardly grieve alone, even though there are many times when I need a hug while I'm sobbing uncontrollably.

Hi all....  These past few (3) Years have thrown me for a true Loop...My Family seems to have abandoned me in my grief... Brother saying I should have aborted my Autistic Son Niles... My Mother sitting in silence is like an agreement to me... mY other Siblings have not really been there for comfort.... and My 2 other children have grown.... My husband and I have had "Issues" where I feel like he is not really here Emotionally for me either... it is like EVERYONE expects me to be "STRONG"  yes we all have heard that.... Yet I AM NOT STRONG....like they think and I TOO NEED some serious Emotional Support.... and feel so alone in the world.  My faith in the people I have THOUGHT  I could lean on at this time has abandoned me. 

It is hard to trust or believe in anything... GOD or the Family that is supposed to be the closest to you. 

I smile and put on the act...like we all do.... But inside... I feel like a totally abandoned Child in a deep pit.   I really do not Trust or have Faith in anyone or anything.... 

Hello Grace,  please remember that my self and other members will always be willing to listen, sorry we can only send cyber hugs. This is all so awful.

 Adrianne ... (¯`v´¯) 
                 `*.¸.*.♥ 

Haven't had a chance to get on the last few days. Grace, I am so sorry you are not getting the much needed support you so well deserve. You know we are here for you, wish we could be there physically. I feel exactly how you all have said, my two faces. The mask I wear during the day when I am at work, the I'm doing okay face, and then the one where when I come home I can allow myself to feel and cry and scream or whatever I need to do. That is one reason why I still attend the Compassionate Friends meeting. That is my one time a month where I bring Zach's picture, and can talk about him, cry about him and miss him in front of people who aren't going to tell me to be strong. That it is okay to let it out. I went through the thing where I blamed God, but one day I was at church and my minister was talking about that sometimes we make bad choices. In Zach's case, that was very true. His accident would not have happened if he didn't make the decision to get too close to the end of the cliff to see the waterfall. When I realized that, for myself, I quit being mad at God, and unfortunately got mad at Zach. It still makes me so angry. It hit me really hard the other day, I was cleaning my family room, and had to pick up Zach's ashes to dust. I felt like, "how f***ed!!! up is this! Sorry, but that is how I felt, he is suppose to be here, enjoying the summer with us. Playing Marco Polo in the pool, having cook outs and picnics. Sometimes life just really sucks. I know I have to go on for myself, and all my other loved ones who are left. It will never be easy, but sometimes I have times where I have actually been able to laugh again. Unfortunately, I still haven't gotten oven that when that happens I feel guilty, and wonder how I can laugh when I no longer have my son. I do know that Zach would want me to be happy, and have fun. That was what Zach was all about. Big hugs and prayers to all of you my friends. Robin

Thank you , Robin, I know it is so hard to do this alone.   I wish we all lived in the same neighborhood where we could all be together and talk about our children and still can go home when we want not to talk anymore......that would be so nice......But better still would be if all our children could talk to us again, but this is reality and sometimes it is just unfair......period

Thanks everyone.... This is a rough road... the lack of trust and faith I have in anyone has been hard.... but maybe it is because we were all going about our comfortable life and then the Bottom Fell Out?  Wonder if we will ever trust to take anything for granted or if I will live guarded?

Somedays you will laugh... and I can relate to those who say then they feel guilty for even happy feelings.... I think we all have those feelings. 

The last week or so have been really hard for my husband. Does anybody have any advice on how I can help him. It has been 9 months since we lost our son, Zach, in a very sudden tragic accident. I get on here and write to you all, and attend Compassionate Friends meetings once a month. I go through the motions, I have my times when I am at home by myself, that I have totally lost it. At the Compassionate Friends meetings, that is also my time where I can let down my walls and no that the people there no how I am feeling. I feel so helpless, I want to help him but I just don't know what to do for him. He was going to counseling but then quit because he didn't know if it was helping. Should I suggest he go back? Is it strange that when he gets so emotional I almost feel guilty that I am not reacting the same way? Any suggestions would be helpful. Last time he broke down I just held him. This time I just let him go, then he went back to our bedroom and really lost it. I know when I get like that I like to be alone, but I don't know if that was the right thing to do for him. I don't know right now I just feel numb. Zach's accident occurred in the mountains, he fell from a waterfall, and my husband was asking me today if I ever thought that I could go to the mountains again. I said I think so but I don't know. He said he will think to himself, we should go away, go on a cruise or just away, but then he thinks to himself, we never took Zach on a cruise. I do the same thing about a cruise. One year we took our two youngest daugthers on a cruise, we didn't take Zach or our oldest daughter because one time we all talked about going on a cruise and they both said they never wanted to go. So when we ended up going, our daughter and Zach, both were hurt that we didn't include them. Now any time I think of going on a cruise, I always feel so guilty that we can never include Zach, and fix it. Does anyone have anything like that they feel guilty about. God this whole things sucks so bad, its just not right that we have to go through this. Sometimes I wonder how I am still going on. I lost my Mom, Dad, brother, sister-in-laws, nephew, sooo many others and I always said if I ever lost one of my kids they would just have to lock me up. So now that the unthinkable has happened, I wonder what is wrong with me that I am going on. I am afraid that one day it is going to hit me so hard that I will be immobilized by the pain. The numbness will just wear off and they will have to scrape me up off the floor. Or will I always be numb...so many questions.

Robin,

My husband and I handle our grief differently and as the months have gone by, I've learned to accept it as such.  I still go to a grief counselor and for awhile I went to Solace House and a group counseling offered at Unity Church.  My husband is not one to talk about his feelings in a group session or even a one-on-one with a grief counselor.  He has handled it being in nature and stuff like that.  On days where he loses it, I'm just make myself available whenever he needs to talk to me about it.

Yes my husband and I also feel guilty that we hadn't taken a grand canyon vacation with both our sons.  It seemed like something was always coming up that prevented us from all going.  Sam absolutely loved going on vacations to other states!  I wish now we all went regardless of the cost.  I am grateful though of the other vacations we took, I have good memories of those and so glad we all sent as a family.  My husband and I are thinking about going to the Grand Canyon this year or early next year as a tribute to Sam.  We know in spirit he will be with us.  We also plan on taking a little bit of his ashes to leave there at the grand canyon.  I think you guys should go on that cruise and tribute it to your son.  Just my personal opinion.  I think it may be a good healing for your family.  Hugs to you

Just wanted to confirm what someone had said sometime ago.  We are in our second year since my son's passing.  I am finding that the second year is harder emotionally in some ways.  The first year was shock, disbelief, anger, going through all the first the first holidays and such.  The second year, it's facing the stark reality even more and many flashbacks of my son from childhood to age 17. 

I do have more somewhat good days... being able to sit in my garden has been healing.  Spending time with my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren keeps me busy.  The grandchildren helps me smile more  because they are so innocent and pure.  The things they say are from their hearts.  They don't understand this kind of pain thank god!

Just wanted to send big HUGS to you all.  Hope we have a somewhat peaceful weekend.

Sue, I also , as you know lost 2 sons, but , for you to lose 2 children in 18 months has to be so hard....I , myself , get so sad about even the child I lost at 25 , and the one I lost at 45 with many years in between.  I am also on meds for depression.   I just want you to know , I so acknowledge your pain.  I also , see a counselor, and I go to Compassionate Friends, I feel so many times that I do not belong in this world of "normal " people......I pray you all find some peace and serenity in life, although, I don't know if we really ever will.  That hole in our lives is so huge, Please all of you take care.  I check this site almost everyday and I do think of all of you and your pain....Love, Lynne

Yes,  we are stuck here Michelle, sadly so.   Talking of cruises , I have a friend that son died and she and her husband went on a cruise and I asked her when she got back, if she had a good time.   This was about 6 months after her son died....she said all she did was go on the deck and just pray that she could jump off.....she could not wait to come home.....I , am more comfortable around things that I know right now, so a cruise would be out of the question for me.   But if you think, you can get some peace doing that, I so would say go.  Just be sure you have thought it through.  I wish so so so much we were not here, but we are......I am sorry we all are here......I wish you all some moments of peace throughout the day........and Billie how awful that you had to see another young person memorial service , That was a very hard thing for you to do....I just hope , I do not have to go to a memorial service for anyone, for a long time........it woud bring back so many sad moments I had, and I still have.....Somedays I just do not want to face the day.....this is when you know life in unfair and hard.......

Today, I don't want to be strong.  Today I don't want to put that smile out there like everything is ok.  Today I want to feel what I'm feeling is sad and know it will pass.  Today, I want to cry out that I miss my son!   Today I'm afraid of what my future holds even though I know that now is all I have and tomorrow is tomorrow.  Today I'm just going to feel what I feel with no guilt from anyone or for anyone.  Today is my day to contemplate my now.  We're all human with feelings good and bad.  No need to analyze but just go with the flow and accept what is.  Hugs to you all today.

well put Rosie.  Boy can I relate!

(( hugs )) people , just wanted to check in , say hello im still way to hurt to try to talk without rambling on im questioning my sanity a lot lately i sit in my back yard and have convinced myself that amber has returned to see and or visit me in form of a bluebird we don't have many of them around here but this one keeps  coming up and landing in front of me i talk to it and first i said no your not amber you look mean i walked away next day it sat above me on some electrical cable  cord and i ignored it and it just sat there till i went in to house i took my lawn chair yesterday sat out side and said ok blue bird if your really amber show your face now and the dam thing fly's midair in front of me and landed on the grass walked around i just lost it and cried till i could not cry anymore thought is that what you have come to Jessica your so fucked up in your head you will cling to anything and now you think your child has returned in form of a bird and if so how fucked up is that to have her die and then let her come back as a fucking bird im losing my mind i always said in my life i could handle any thing only two things i could not handle or ever want to happen to lose one of my children and or to lose my sanity  i lost my child and now im losing my sanity i must have done something very bad in the past what i don't know i always considered my self a pretty nice person and most every one i know says to me Jessica your to damn nice to damn gullible and people see you coming a mile away and use you for what they can ...so i no idea why this all is happening ...and honestly i don't think i care much any more i just think if there is a god he will take me soon this is no way to live  

Oh Jessica (((Hugs)) Something must be in the air, I , myself and I can see you all have had a bad day today, me..too....I am paralized in despair and just wish this were all over....I too feel crazy, Jessica, I look at Terrys' pictures and want to just die myself....it is just a bad day for all and all we can do is hang on.   I know, it will get softer , but right now I am so missing my son , that I am beside myself......I pray for signs now, but so far I have not had any in a long time.  I am sorry to see this board is full of a lot of comments of your despair, but oh I so get it.......love to you all, Lynne

I had a plant die from my fathers funeral from 2 years ago. It just had to die on my son's one year death anniversery. Why me? I am saddened by this fact. I took extra care of it.

im sorry for your loss Dick and i had never bothered with plants in my life till i lost amber i took care of the ones from her memorial but they all died with in a month , so i thought well i will buy some but im not really good at that sort of thing so i bought some pretty cool cactus plants figured hey i cant kill a cactus right ?wrong funny how we cling on to such things and they mean so much to us ...when once upon a time a plant was just that , take care of yourself .