michelle w.~ enjoy the event i am sure he will be with you.  he sounds like a wonderful boy......

Michelle and everyone.... the Brain lady was kind... we talked about Niles as if he were alive... so sad that reality is that he is not.....what a hard week.....  I can relate to you Michelle.... he SHOULD be graduating.... PEACE everyone.... especially us that have that damn calendar curse.... 5/27/2009   Date of Death ......

mercy the pain.....no one can even imagine

Michelle, I am also sure that your son will be there with you.  I hope you are blessed with the strength you will need to get through the event.  So sad, my heart hurts with yours :(

Michelle, your post brings back so many memories.... I remember feeling that Life IS so fragil and death is so Random.... without rhyme or reason... we have been sucked into this nightmare.....  I also have 2 adult children... one is our now 19 year old son.... and I too feel like the overprotective parent.... trying to keep him from harm.... and He is pulling away for his independence.... both adult children still live at home but I really have experienced "Empty Nest" since Niles died.

GRADUATION...  when Niles was in the midst of his medical Crisis that led to his death... we were airlifting him...my other Son believed he was going to be ok..... and went to the  graduation ceremony for his friends... We had to have his sister call him out of that ceremony to tell him his brother was going to die...... then they had to drive 4+ hours to get to the hospital.....  Evan was ending his Junior year..... I can't tell you how hard it was the next year to go through HIS Graduation remembering that the year before he was called out of that ceremony for his broter Niles.

Senior year..... My Evan drove me crazy doing the senior things.... drinking (got a couple MIP's) so Michelle... I can relate that you always expect them to come home.... I still worry.... yet the child that I thought I was literally in control of 24-7 because of is Autism was the most vulnerable.  

I hope you do well at the Graduation Ceremony.... I know that having others acknowledge the existence of your son means so much.

My son would have been an 8th Grade Graduate  (Special Ed) but the 8t Grade did include his photos in the banquet....  I found this out later.. because I was not there... it made me feel good that even though they did not tell me that they did recognize him to his classmates.

Even through this very difficult week of family drama.... It was still good to see others acknowledge my son as a valuable human being.

We will all be holding you in our thougts on Graduation Day Michelle.

Michelle, I know what you mean about being over protective. I think when you lose a child so unexpectedly, it is so hard to get over that fear. My son, Zach, was away with his friends having a great time for one of his buddies bachelor parties. They were hiking and Zach wanted to get a closer look at a waterfall and got to close to the edge and slipped and fell. He was only 23, he was much too young, this wasn't suppose to happen. Fortunately when the accident happened my middle daughter was visiting my youngest daughter at college (she had just started her freshman year) and at least when my husband made the call they were together. It still seems like such a nightmare, one that I can't change or wake up from. Every time my daughters go anywhere though, I make them text me when they are leaving and when they get there. If they don't I just start to panic. Yesterday was my granddaughters Kindergarten graduation, another thing that my son would have attended. It is so hard when those events happen and he isn't there. Thinking and praying for you all. Big hugs. RObin

Oh Robin, Grace, and Michell, you can put me  with with that club, you know I lost 2 adult sons , the last son , Terry, was this March.   I have a "later in life baby" I had him in my late 30's.  He is a correction officer at a huge prison here and is trying out this summer for a police job.  He is 27 , well he works the 3-11 shift and of course I do not go to bed till late at night.   I called him at midnight and when I called him he did not answer, I sooooooooooo panic when this happens.  I see a therapist that told me "to bite my hand when I keep calling him" and I have to admit I do, for I am checking to see if he is ok..this is so so hard.....I don't want to become that overly dependent person and when he does not answer his cell phone I have to panic.....needless to say I am beat today......I did not keep calling him, for I just kept telling myself, he took a double shift tonight. But still could not sleep.  He had done 2 tours in Iraq, and thank you God , my son knew I could not handle it, so he told me he was stationed in Egypt.....and because you have all these numbers for addresses when you write him, you just think this is what they do in Egypt. The second tour was not as dangerous as the first one, but still a bad place at the time to be.   I finally found out when he was in New York , on the way home......Thank God 4 years ago , I did not know......ok enough rambling, thank you for reading this and I truly hope we all somehow find some sort of peace in life........love, lynne

I am new here and having a hard time getting around the website to comment or respond to comments on the blog or on pictures i just wanted to say i will try my best to respond and not wallow in my own pity my heart breaks for my child , your children , and the parents whom have come here like myself to find people that understand i believe we all belong to world all of our own in a way because as we all know now we can imagine think we know but until we have our child go before we do we have no clue really the world of a parent whom has to suffer the death of their child is indeed a different world for me it has been will always be..my heart goes out to you all...im glad i found this site i had almost given up on searching for one.

Welcome Jessica... but like most of us we wish NONE Of us had to be here.... It is a place where we really can understand more than friends or family

This is so true, It is not where we want to be, but we are here......If anyone, wants to email me personally my email is lynrose1546@aol.com.  I lost a child age 26 in 1994 and another son, this March 24th...I am so sorry Jessica that you are here, but anyway here I am too ugh again.. I am so sorry for all of us , moms, and our children that passed away much to soon........

Michelle..... I call those moments "The Vapors" Where I am in a public place and just well up in emotions..... kind of fan my face and do Lamaze breathing..... (In with the good air....)as you try to blow the tears out of your mouth before they take over your whole face.....  We are so emotional through these events and how can we not be?

the secretary was likely feeling that she was putting you in a "Less Emotional Place.... thinking if you did not have to see the "Happy" Parents or Repeatedly explain that your son was dead...that it would be "Easier" on you.....  and as for the year book... coincidence? Maybe not....  Music stirs emotions.....  

This is not an easy time... and those that really try to make it "Easy" on you have good intentions..... they just DO NOT Understand that this is just NEVER GONNA BE EASY.....  but at least keep in mind that they really have not been where we have been and really have GOOD INTENTIONS.....  PEACE..... I have my own Graduation Memories... I'm thinking of you.

Oh Michelle, I give you so much credit, what a great mom you are.  Music for me is the worse , I have walked out on the Phantom of the Opera , and spent all that night in the ladies room crying, I hatttttttttte music.  How I got talked into this , is beyond me.  This was right after my first son, Bobby passed......now with Terry gone, I am worse.

  I do understand, Michelle, people that have not been through this, just will never ever ever get it.  I gave up trying to make people understand, I just walk away sometimes I say something but most times I walk.....but in your case, you had to go to something you were so proud of ......you did what a good mom would do and I know it was hard.   I don't know if people mean well by doing what they do........gee what does it take to kind of think of , how will the parents feel ....to put you into a section where you would not cry.   What is wrong with society , crying is an emotion that should be accepted as laughing is...I am sorry , but the secretary should have asked , what you as parents would prefer.   I consider her just wrong.

  I don't consider this drama, Michelle, I consider this a parent whose lost a child and has all the right in the world to act sad...you will do fine at the graduation, just be yourself, if you want to cry, than cry.....this is about your feelings , not theirs, their worlds have not changed and with a little sensitivity they should get how hard this is....I will be thinking of you Michelle, I guess I am a b#### , for if someone does offend me, I say it........I do say it nicely, but I do say it, for it is their problem not yours........then I calmly walk away .  Life is at times so unfair....I am sorry you have to endure this.........Please, take care of yourself.....and I am so sorry, there are to many ignorant people out there  for this sadness........love, lynne (((()))

.If i was in your shoes i could not survive (I did not choose these shoes and not sure if i will survive ,do i have a choice ?) I can relate to losing a child my daughter moved to another country i have not seen her in two years i just found out she has had two children .(i thought so your dead daughter had two kids ?? interesting) Try to pretend that shes traveling the world  and that some day you will both arrive at the same place or airport pretend shes in Europe (i thought to my self well i have idea of where Europe is but no clue where heaven is or if it even exists) at least she is no longer suffering ( I can't even
come to terms that she suffered at all) She is in a better place  (how does anyone know that for sure no one does and the best place for her  is here with me !! ) At  least I have other children  
(Which of your children would you have sacrificed?) Do i feel any better.? Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.                   At least you  had Her for so many years. (Really?
What year would you choose for your child to die?)             God never gives us more than we can bear ( I beg to differ he just did!! )

Dear Michelle, I totally understand...... many hugs.

Greetings Jessica, all I can say is that this is a club with a "involuntary" membership. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21 yr old son. As I have said many times to new members, this is a place where your feelings and thoughts will be validated, not judged. This is a pain that is almost indescribable. So many people just don't get it and those are the ones that are not walking in our shoes, how fortunate for them. Our children are our babies and will always be our babies.  I saw the beautiful pictures of your daughter on your page. Sending you many hugs, so sorry for your pain.

Jessica, this a poem that I have posted many times.

Poem about suffering a loss

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

Jessica, if you read and scroll through the many postings, you will see how much we all truly know what you are going through. I will never accept the loss of my son. My family still doesn't understand that me having other children, doesn't replace the loss of one.

It just hurts my heart every time I learn of a new member. My sorrow and my anger has not eased one bit and it's going on 3 yrs....even though I don't like to count the time passing by.

That says it all Karen, thank you for posting it.....((())) lynne

You are welcome Lynne and all others.

Karen, thanks for posting it so describes how we all probably feel. Sorry I haven't commented in a little while, really been having a hard time again. The other day my husband was working outside cleaning our above ground pool, trying to get it ready. I was inside cleaning our familyroom, dusting etc. on our mantle is a picture of my son, Zach and a clock which holds his ashes. I just got so angry that I had to pick up my son's ashes and dust around his picture. He should be here, getting ready to enjoy the summer with all his family and friends. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, the pain was unbearable all over again. I hurt so much for all of us on here. Michelle I am so sorry that you have to endure this pain. I wish so much none of us had to hurt like this. Prayers and hugs for all. Robin

Thanks Karen i felt so alone a month or less after amber died and have been in search of some kind of grieve group but everyone i found was not what i felt OK on  so i passed them all  never bothered to register till i got here , thanks so much for your kind welcome and words the pain is thick the reality of it ugly and i really just get barely by each day , my mom passed away on July 5th of 2010 i adored the woman she was my queen the only family i have in this country other then my  children when she passed i thought i would die and i was in horrid pain that did not lessen at all till about years time , then amber died and i thought im a horrible person all of a sudden my moms death did not matter much it was nothing compared to the pain i am suffering now i feel or felt guilty till this morning for months after mom passing i begged for her to give me a sign that she was ok , and she did a white owl at the Berkeley marina it was her i just know it prior to her death i kept seeing murals , signs , decorative things all owls black ones i had gone to Pacifica for a get a way weekend and seeing one on top of hotel and my friend said look the owl cross from your moms place followed us here it was the same exact owl perched on top of moms building weird but ok when i returned from pacifica my mom was gone i found her on the coach cold she had died night before , seeing the white owl was comforting but i wanted her to come to me as in my dream s , the kind where they talk to you let you know they are fine i had given up on her coming to me then this morning before i woke up she came to me gorgeous just glowing beautiful smile she looked 35 or so all dressed in white she spoke to me but i don't recall her words not one i was hugging her so tight loving her telling her how much i needed her and missed her especially now and she hugged back then she held both my hands and i said momma your hands are so so cold please dont go yet mom please don't go i love you and i woke up....i needed to share this with you all it may make a difference to some whom like me had lost hope on there loved one visiting them somehow. I have one ?  i hope it is ok to ask if not please let me know  but have any of your children come to you and if so how ?And Karen thanks again so much.

Hi everyone, I am now about to start the day, I just woke up crying, it is so much pain and to know today I have to just live.... seems like so hard just to try.  I have not had any dreams of Terry, I don't know if I want to or not.  All I know , is for some reason, today is just a bad day...I cannot stop crying, maybe the rest of the day will turn out better......life is so so unfair to some.    Oh jessica that is just a sign to that owl , that is so good.  Oh Robin, I know , at least you have pictures up on your son, me I have nothing, I took them all down when he passed...they will make me so sad, but than part of me feels so guilty that I do not have them up.......I am a mess today, sorry for complaining .....It just is not a good day, ugh, I cannot pull it together......Jessica did you try Compassion Friends on here?  That is another site I use.....Please take care my friends, I care about the moms on here, and wish us all some sort of peace.love, lynne

Lynne...... (((((HUGS)))))  I think we all have days like you are having....

Somedays I awake crying.... somedays I cry in the shower.... some days I can not even breathe through my nose!  and I REALLY SNOT all over....

How can a body make such a large supply of snot and tears?!

(((((HUGS)))))) to you.... PEACE

Thank you Grace, I have that today, (((((hugs)))) to you.............Kleenix is making a mint with me today:)...........thank you again, Grace......

Hey Jessica, once again you are welcome. I do believe my son has come to me in dreams but it hasn't happened in a long time. For me, my experience has been that after I realize it was only a dream, my frustration, anger and sadness only intensifies. I just simply want my son back!! I don't want dreams and photos, I want my young 21yr old son back!!! I want it to be that none of this ever happened. I want to see him enjoying his young life, I want him here where I can yell at him for things that he did that got on my nerves........funny, many of them seem so petty now. I guess I have to settle for dreams now but one thing for sure is that our loved ones are much more than a "memory", they all had a life.

I once attended a group for bereaved parents and there were several parents there that said they had lost a parent, sibling, spouse but the pain they experienced after losing their child, was incomparable. I have not loss a parent or spouse or sibling but since I have lost my son, I can definitely say that I can not imagine anything worse but maybe multiple children passing away in your life time. A loss is a loss, pain is pain, it's all immeasurable.

Hey Lynne, sorry to hear of your unending pain that I can relate to all too well. You are NOT complaining, please don't feel that way. This all sucks!!! Too bad we don't live in a perfect world where none of this pain and sadness exists.

Hugs to all.

Good day to all , don't get it life anymore for me its existence .Last night was a 8 ( on the 1-10 ) scale it was  bad down at the bottom of hell , its nights like last night that im glad i have no means to end it . i get its not option because i have a child still here that needs me but my grieve and pain does not understand this and i just worry one of these times i will say fuck it , she will be ok better off even what a miserable existence for that child now being hovered over , living in a way in her sisters shadows , its not fair none of it is ....im glad for this place where i can come now and pour out the things i do and people totally get it 100 percent i hope every one has a good day as good as we can i mean...be well talk later

Jessica, I know how you feel , in 1994 my son, Bobby, took his life and all I did night and say was cry....it was terrible, at the time I had a 9 year old ...........and because I was so depressed alllllllll the time, I really did not acknowledge him the way a mom should.......long story , I will tell you short, someone said to me.......that is not fair to Gerard(young son) what you are doing, Lynne that is so selfish.....what kind of life are you giving him?"   I do not know why that statement made me turn around.....did I forget Bob, NO , but I made sure my young one at the time felt very loved from me.  I really dedicated my life to him.  I just made up my mind that the lesson I wanted to teach him is, Yes, bad things do happen in life, horrible things, but you do not give up.   He grew up to be a wonderful man.   Now many years later my son , Terry died of a heart attack......this March.....do I sob, yes, yes, yes, am I depressed , yes, do i want to die at times, yes.........but the reason I never would is because the love of another child.   Gerard does not replace Bobby or Terry, never.....but he is alive and I as him mom must make his life as good as I can.....My love for all my children, is in my heart, for I know my other 2 sons would not want me to leave this earth (unless God calls me home) and my other son is alive and I owe him not a disgraced mom or a miserable mom alllllll the time.    This hard it is Jessica, but your child would not want you to say fuck it........and your child that is alive so needs you.  Please stay around for her...suicide destroys people or at least tries to.   Please do not give up, you have people that need you, and love you I am sure......Yes, this hurts , but focus on life of you child....Please take care, and do not let pain take you away from the love of your other child. 

I know Michelle, I miss my son too.....It is so hard, but it is so hard on the remaining children......I am so sorry for everyone here...I wish everyones' children were here, and the pain would be gone..........love to all of you.......lynne

thank you lynne

I am new to this group.  So many people tell me they are sorry for my loss and they understand, but they haven't gone through the loss of a child and do not know the pain and heart ache caused by such a tradegy. I wish this pain on no one. However, my mom lost my sister years ago and I know from watching her and my dad, you never forget, but it does get easier.

Oh Billie, I do know, you are so brave to get up and speak, I wish I could be there for you. I am sure Jazzmin will be watching you and is so proud also.  What a horrible thing we all have to go through , it is so so painful and so scary at the same time.  I just live moment to moment , for me to think to much in the future is just to hard.  The pain of losing a child is unbearable...I wish we all were neighbors and could just sit down and have a cup of coffee and just talk.  I find the friends I have now just do not get this at all......I go to Compassionate Friends, but that is only once a month and otherwise I am so sad, lonely and depressed even when I am with people for I feel like an alien that has come to visit this world that we live in.  People that have not been through this , just do not get it.....please take care Billy and know we here do get it......it is awful, Billie, but I can tell you from losing a child before this child , it will get softer in time, you will never forget and things trigger you off, but someday we really will smile again.  Please take care ..............let us know when this event will take place......I will be praying for you Billie.....

Hey Jessica, I have been down in that low place that you are feeling, that horrible feeling of such despair, that feeling of "fu@k !!!!" but somehow, I get through the days by remembering how much i don't want to cause my children any more pain by ending my own life. Trust me, I've been there, with the pills in my hand.....prescription Ambien(sleeping pills) and Xanax, giving to me from my doctor to take the days prior to my son's funeral. If you scroll through, you will see one of my postings explaining what stopped me from taking both bottles. I still don't sugar coat my grief and pain when others ask me the "how are you doing question" but I have softened it with a "I could be better" response. Depending on my mood, I would answer " I broken and I am fu@ked up right now! One thing for sure is I will NEVER be "OK".

Michelle and Lynne and everyone, you are so right about our other children needing the love and attention that they deserve but it can be so hard sometimes to pass the pain we are in. Sometimes I don't feel like being a mommy, I just want to curl up into a ball and not be bothered. I do feel bad that some of my children have expressed that they feel like I don't care about them but that is so untrue, I am just still grieving. My older daughter thinks that I am choosing to be like this. That made me so angry and hurt at the same time, she is clueless, who the hell in their right mind would choose this?!!!! She just doesnt get it. I hope she will be spared of this type of pain with her own children. I do try harder and I wait until I am alone, especially in my car, to let my inward grief out. I know that it hurts my children to see me in so much pain.

Oh Billie, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. My son was only 21 yrs old and once at a young friend's wedding, I completely lost it when her new husband danced with his mom. I became overwhelmed with sadness as it reminded me that I would never dance with my son his wedding. Everyone else was so happy and taking pictures but my heart was crumbling.....well, what's left of it. Many people thought that my tears were happy tears but they weren't. I had to remove myself from the dance floor and sit at my table, I was the only one sitting and of course sobbing, I didn't want the happy bride to see me. Another friend noticed me at the table and came to my aid, she knew right away what my tears were about. She took me to the bathroom and convinced me not to leave. I got it together and went to join the guests but the whole time I was watching everyone like I was watching a movie in slow motion, all I could think was wow, how can all of these people be so happy, how can they laugh,  how can they dance......don't they know my son is gone?!!! How is the world going on without my son!!! It sounds irrational but that was how I was feeling.

Hello Ashley and welcome. So sorry for your loss. Please be encouraged to share your feelings here, someone will always be willing to listen.  Many hugs to you.

Hi Ashley, and welcome.....I am so sorry for your loss , please stay with us for I really believe that all of us help one another, by remberances and just sharing our feelings....please take care Ashley

Ashley, I am so sorry for your loss. A few months before my 23 year old son died in a terrible accident, my neighbor's 20 year old son died in a car accident. I remember going over and talking to her and telling her how sorry I was and could not even imagine the pain she was going through,, little did I know just a few months later I would be experiencing the same pain. I have lost many loved ones in my life, but none as painful as losing my son. Grief for me seems to be a roller coaster, one day I might be okay, the next I am back to that heart wrenching pain. I just have to take it one moment at a time, I can't think about what tomorrow will bring. I have gone to three weddings since my son died, it has been almost nine months, and every single one I have cried and felt the pain that Karen was describing. Trying so hard to hide the tears, but not being successful. Billie, I am so sorry, I my heart hurts for you. I hurt for all of us that have to go through this unbearable loss. I pray that we find some peace. Hugs. Robin

Just want to say I am here and reading your thoughts.... ((((HUGS)))))

   This is the hardest thing to go through , and I just live moment to moment........and to hear about a childs' death is so hard.  I have one child left.......and you be honest I am a wreck everytime I cannot reach him.  I have to stop this, for I know I will loose him........and yes, I am in counciling .......ugh, for I feel unless you loose a child , how can college teach you anything of the pain of this.   But I am so desperate , right now for relief I do go anyway.  I much better perfer compassionate friends, but I will do what I hope will help me even if it is so little .  Everyone here , I think of you all, and honestly I want peace so much for all of you as well as myself..........(((hugs)))

Thanks Lynne, thanks for your well wishes, I wish the same for all of us on and off this site.