Lisa you will be in prayers. Zach died on September 3rd and it would have been his 24th birthday on December 16th. We had to go through so many first so fast. My birthday was in November, then Thanksgiving, then my husband's birthday (two days before Zach's), then Zach's. We decided to have a get together for all his good friends and our family on his birthday. I was so glad we did it, though I wasn't sure how I was going to be on that day. We had a video continually playing on our tv of zach with family and friends, so if anyone wanted to watch it they could. It was a tough day, but I am glad his friends were there, they were there the day he died and we wanted them to be there to celebrate his life with us. I am glad you have your daughter's blood drive to continue on, what a wonderful thing to do. I will be thinking of you and hoping you have some peace. Hugs. Robin

Hey everyone, just saying hello and sending some hugs. My spirit is so uneasy, I guess a little more than usual. 

lisa, i just watched your recent video posted - its absolutely beautiful. my  thoughts will be with you on 1st april, its just so so so hard, i know.  and on 24th april is my daughter's fourth angel date. i am in a very bad way. this pain is debilitating. all my love to you, steph xx

my insides are ripping still, tearing, hurting beyond what i can bear. i HAVE to carry on doing the best for my 3 other children, and husband.  but whatever i have to do is like physical torture, the pain is so bad.  i want to feel alive and energetic, but its like my guts is being ripped. all the time. all the time.

Aaaaawh, Steph and everyone, this is all so sad! What an ugly part of life is this!!  I use to be so happy, even when my son use to drive me nuts sometimes........boy, what I would give to have him drive me nuts again! Those things just seem so petty now. I just feel like I'm suffering, I can't fix it and it pisses me off!!! I can't make it all "better", I can't make it have any sense! What could be "GOOD" about any of us or any other parent, losing their child. If the cycle of life must go on, then let it go on by letting children bury their parents at a ripe old age like 100yrs+.......wouldn't that be perfect, I guess that will never be a reality. It's 2 1/2 yrs and my day of peace has  NOT come. I don't choose to be this way, I am just existing like this. I push myself for my other children, trust me, it's very hard. It's an emotional battle daily, just for me not to drive myself to get admitted somewhere. I think how would that effect my other children, especially my youngest one......this sucks!

yeah, it really does suck!  how so very much i want to do so many fun things with my other kids, and even PLAN them, but as the time nears, anxiety and pain grips me, and when the time arrives i am gripped with irritability, or migraine, or sleepiness, and i feel terrible, but its so uncontrollable and unpredictable. i feel guilty for them, and angry and frustrated with the situation, this is such a battle.

Dear Karen I wish I could just hold you in my arms and comfort you. 2 1/2 years is really not a very long time. so you hang in there. We are all here for you. Somedays the time goes fast and other days it feels like forever. Thats why I just take them one at a time. It's been difficult since I've been so sick lately. I will sally forth and carry on! I hope today brings all of you a little peace and lots of love.

Dear sweet Anne, thank you so much for all of your concern and encouragement. Deep down, I do know that all of you guys are here for me, we are here for each other. I never turn down any hugs so thanks : )

Hey Steph, I wish I had the remedy to fix all of this, for I would surely share it. This is unfair to our other children but I have learned to "fake" it or hold it back for them when I find the strength, when my grief is at it's peak.

Our Niles was the center of our family... because of his Autism... he needed continuos care and attention.  Our whole family rotated around that care... we worked like a team.  Now it seems like the Hub is gone and the spokes of our wheels are randomly moving in totally different directions.  My other 2 children had grown without me realizing it... they are adults. And even though we all still live in the same house... it seems more like a hotel...  life just seems to unravel... including the marriage that is only hanging on by a few threads.

Sending Hugs to you all.  It's so hard this grief we are experiencing in so many different ways.  Spring is making it very hard for me.  A time of rebirth, if only.....

thank you karen, even in your own deep pain, you are able to give me comfort. you are so strong. thank you.  grace, i know what you mean, my Becky had CP and was also so much the centre needing so much care. in a way we are SO close to them, because they are particularly dependent on us. it was like i was one with her. i am so lost, so very very lost.  love to you all, i dont know what i would do without you. xxxx

Dear Adrianne, I too have 2 grown daughters and believe me they understand more than you think. You are not a burden to your girls. They need you more than ever. Just knowing your there broken or not comforts them. The mother daughter relationship is very complicated until they have children of their own. My youngest daughter has 2 young children. When my first son was killed she was only 10 and I tell you it was hell for a very long time between us. now she has children of her own and we are as close as can be. My older daughter was 14 and our relationship was also very strained. Shes 28 now and she has no kids but it doesnt matter because now that shes older she gets me. It took a long time for us to come together again but alot of that was due to outside interruption. When the dust settles daughters often bounce back.We have discussed it all and they said no matter what they will always need me in their lives. I have learned to never assume their feelings good or bad. Communication between mothers and daughters is and always will be important. After the boys died I thought my girls didnt love me anymore because of the greif I felt and still feel for the boys. I was so wrong. Once again I say never assume their feelings, and never doubt how much your needed by them. Nothing is ever the same after one of your children dies.I feel it's another part of this grief process that takes time to sort out. Be patitent with yourself and let them tell you how they feel. Your daughters need you and you need them now more than ever. I speak only from my experience and  if what I have gone through helps even a little it was worth telling. For me keeping a relationship with my daughters after everything that has happened has been tough I wont lie. Somedays I thought they would both be better off without me but I was wrong. Good or bad they need me and I need them. They've always needed me, I just didnt see it, but I do now, and I am so grateful for their love and even their anger. Keep writing on this site it really helps to think more clearly. Hugs to you.

Thank you Ammy.  The information you provided is so true.  Sending hugs to you all.

WOW AMMY.... those Compassionate friends really can feel what we feel.   Thanks for sharing.... how many of us have had these feelings and express them here...like it is new....

Dear Ammy, everything in your post hits it right on the nose. I have to say that mental illness is even harder because you cant see it. You cant even guess whats going on in the mind of someone who is mentally ill. Physical illness you can see. It can be treated much easier. Mental illness is a guessing game. You cant x-ray it, cant blood test it and everyones mind works differently. I pray that someday this will change and those who suffer from mental illness will get the right diagnosis early enough so that moms everywhere dont have to suffer the way you have had to in losing your child. I read and reread the words from compassionate friends and I have felt every word of it, not once but twice. The thing that gets me through is the belief in the human spirit and the knowledge that Love never dies no matter what. Somedays I have to remind myself of this several times in order to face another day. My boys in fact have been taken away from me but my love for them can never be taken from me, and thats what keeps me here. Greif is alot like it. You cant see it and theres no medical test for it, and unless you have gone through the loss of a child you couldnt possibly understand it. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. I think not understanding grief is a way of protection for those who have not had to understand it. If we did understand it without experiencing it there wouldnt be many children in this world. It's a chance we take when we love and I cant imagine a world without LOVE. For me I would do it all over again, because the time I had with my boys was worth more than all the time i've been cheated out of. Theres alot of thngs you cant see when your greif is so new and the wound is raw, but for me I see life through a whole new set of eyes. I love you Ben! I love you Del!

Adrianne and Anne... My son had Autism and was a very challenginging behavioral issue... stripped at school, would scream, run away from us... was 14 when he died but had serious cognitive and behaviors... I really miss that kid... he was the center of attention for our whole family..... The outside world and even one of my husbands friends (Who lost a teen son in a car accident years ago) said to me that his situation was so bad but ours was a Blessing.... People can be so rude.   But because we rotated around him.. now it feels like the whole family has spun away from the hub.   Which to others seemed like (Niles) was a burden.    But he was my life and worries and joys and BOY I MISS THAT KID!

He also had such beautiful blue eyes and snuggled so warmly.... and I'd give anything to have him snuggle with me again,

Thanks so much Ammy for sharing. I printed it so I can give a copy to my older daughter that just simply wants me to "STOP" all of this already. I don't discuss my feelings with her anyone. She tells me that she is not going to encourage my grief, she doesn't get it. Thanks again.

I hear all of you.  Our children, with their differences, were all unique to us.  Whatever a child goes through we go through it too.

Karen, I'm glad you printed it our for your daughter.  I wanted to post it everywhere myself and send it to everyone because they just don't get it.  I understand that because I never got it before it happened to me.  I hope your daughter will take it to heart and come to an understanding of your grief.

On a good thought; we have heard from the coroner (finally) after several mailings and he is going to make an appointment with us again in April.  Then, this morning the phone rang at 9 and I wasn't going to answer it because the caller ID had an unknown name and I thought it was someone soliciting, but decided to pick it up to tell them to stop calling, but it was someone from the District Attorney's office responding to my letter to them.  They want to come and talk to us and review my son's medical records to see if the doctor was negligent in his prescribing the medication that resulted in his not waking up.  They scheduled an appointment for next Thursday.  I am feeling good about this.  It has taken 20 months to get here and all I can say is that maybe persistence does get action because we have not let up on the Coroner or the police investigation. The Detective has admitted that they didn't investigate properly at the time and now they have nothing to move forward with on their end.  That is in reference to who stole my son's medication and belongings.

In our hearts we believe that whoever was there watched him in stress and didn't call 911 so they could take his stuff.  I'm not sure they thought it was a fatal situation, but they cared more for the 'stuff' than they did for his well being.

Sorry, I know it's confusing but there is too much to go into it all and whatever happens I will accept, but I will know that I did everything I possibly could to have some justice for my son, and so his daughter will someday know that this was not his doing.  He would never have left her.  

They had such a strong bond even though she was so young.  He was a hands on dad.  Almost every morning he would be there to give her breakfast, then bring her here for awhile, and then go back at night to get her ready for bed, read her a story, and wait til she fell asleep before coming home.  I thought he would fade from her memory since she was only 21 months when he left, but she still talks about him.  So sad.

I can't imagine what goes on in her little mind as I know I have trouble with the things that go on in mine.  I still sometimes think he will be back, but then the truth comes to me and all I can do is cry.  I still miss and need him so much.  

Okay, thanks for letting me vent again.  Tears are starting to flow again.  Getting things out sometimes helps my day, but other times it sets it off for a worse day.  Will see what happens as the day progresses.

Blessings, love, and hugs to all. ♥

hello dear friends. my daughter had CP - she was dependent on me for everything - physically. and even verbally i was the only one who could understand her. but her mind was so alive and bright, she was so festive and loved to shriek and "clap" to birthdays and celebrations, to songs and play. she really really battled though.  her 4th angel date is coming up on 24 april. i have been craving to see her, so for the first time - maybe in almost a year - i just watched some video of her - i cried bitterly bitterly bitterly. how she suffered, how she fought, how she and i loved each other.  of course it hadn't helped also just having watched Lorenzo's Oil on TV.  dont know if any of you have seen it. but when my daughter was at her worst stages, she was a bit like that.  ive now cried so much my head feels like its going go explode from pain. ive taken some pain killers.  she passed when she wsa 12. our life revolved around her needs, and entertaining her. i'm sad for the hard life she had. and im also sad she passed on. what terrible terrible pain. will i survive it?

HUGS Stephanie... I know the feeling...

thanx grace, we have an extra connection because of the "disabilities" our kids had. its so so hard.  strength to you special friend. you are an online friend, but probably the closest friend i have in this painful situation xxx

My other son just told me he dreamed about Niles...mainly he was snuggling and hugging him.... he said it was not bad having such a dream... infact he was kind of ok dreaming this dream about his brother... I guess it makes me feel not so alone to know that others also dream of him and then reality of him not being here any more.

I don't know why this kid has been in my brain so much... everywhere like the compassionate friend writing posted earlier....  I look at kids his age and think he would be..... age or today I saw on a school bulletin board footprints... and it reminded me of the hospital making his footprint and handprint after declaring he was brain dead..... just things that keep him at the top of my thoughts.  and it will be 3 years in May....

i know adrianne, i know. all those parts of him are still in you. how sore it is. how do we bear it? i dont know, but we do!  just like the pain we never knew existed, so we discover strengths in us we never knew existed. otherwise we could not bear it. maybe they're glad to see that we develop these strengths. one day we will understand, one day...... ((hugs)) steph

Hey Adrienne, I was just thinking the same thing about Dick, i hope that he is alright.  I wonder if anyone has any other contact info for him..

Just want to say that I feel so connected to all of you guys, I know that there are many other online sites such as this but this one has something that always draws me here.......it could only be you guys. Thanks for not judging me. Sending many, many hugs to you all.

I am OK everyone. My 7 months came and went on the 14th.

Today I went to the farm. I abandoned it when Ben died. It looks terrible. I feel very bad that I have left it alone for so long. It needs lots of work to get it livable again. I couldnt bear the thought of being there anymore so I bought a house in town and I just left the farm. All of the pictures, and all of the things we used to be, just sitting there. At first I cried when I walked in the door and then all the memories of life the way it used to be just came flooding in. I went down the basement jwhere the boys room used to be, and all of Bens army stuff was just laying there on the bed. I couldnt breathe. For a moment I couldnt move. I decided It was time to take one room at a time and give myself time to get through this project. I have doone this so many times before and I never get to the part where I get things cleaned up and gone through. I guess it is what it is. I did stay out there longer than I have before so thats a good start. It dosnt matter how long our children that have died are gone. When I come across all of their things for a little while I go back to when the worst thing thats ever happened is my daughters prize winning cow got into the pig feed and died. That was awful and tragic, but the death of my  child  was just unimagineable. Life was so innoccent then. My heart was so innoccent then. Overwhelming terribly overwhelming. All of it gets so overwhelming. I was thinking about how deep Ive had to dig within myself. Not by choice for sure. Sometimes I thought I would suffocate. That how I feel when I go to the farm. I guess its time to fight a battle ive been putting off for a long time. Im going to give a good try and if I cant well then I guess it will just have to wait until the time is right.

Hey Dick, relieved to learn that you are "ok", you know what I mean. I was really worried about you. I know how hard it is counting the months that go by. I remember when I counted the hours, days, weeks after my son passed away and now to my disbelief, it has turned to years!  It still feels like hours ago.

Agree, so glad you're doing ok Dick.  Hugs to everyone.  Have been struggling this week and it's only Monday.  Missing you Sam so much today.   Hope next week will be better.

Does anyone else ever feel like me? It is so difficult for me to say, write, type or even imagine how long it's been since my son passed away/crossed over. I think acknowledging the period of time that he has been gone, only fuels my anger and sadness because I don't want any of this to be real. For me, it's like saying he passed away/crossed over, means it really happened and I can't fix it. I feel like my mind and body are still in shock. My son passed away 2 1/2 yrs ago..........whew!!!! I can't believe that my son has been placed in his final resting place!!! Somebody help me!!!!! My heart is pounding as I write this.  How can time possibly ease my pain?!! How, when each passing day reminds me that the world is going on without my son. I can't talk to any of my close friends or family about my feelings. I was asked if I would ever move out of state like I once wanted to but now, the answer is a big fat NO!!  How could I ever leave my baby here, who would take care of his final resting place and his memorial site at the intersection where this tragedy began like I do, no one cares enough.

anne, as hard as this is for you, i am very proud of you, that you are being "gentle" with yourself.  your comments, like it is what it is, or when the time is right, etc, shows that you are being accepting of the way YOU feel, and that is a very positive step to take.  and i know we all agree with you 100%.  as you are ready, so be it.  this is something more painful than anything in the world. and probably the only way to deal with the pain is to be gentle with ourselves.

yes karen, i feel so much the same as you. when becky passed, i almost "HELD ONTO" that moment of time, coz i didnt want it to be true.  Time became almost like and ENEMY!  becoz as long as could say she passed an hour ago, or 2 days ago, or even 3 weeks ago, something about that meant that time was sort of standing still.  when it became 2 YEARS, i hated hated hated saying those words, becoz the longer she's been gone, the worse it seems that the world is going on whether she is here or not. and i hate that because it is so so so painful.  on 24 april next month, will be 4 YEARS!  it is so unfair, it is just so so unfair. i wish you guys could watch some videos of her with me and cry with me. i really so badly have that need, but who else would understand!

Yes ladies... I too have the time counting thing... Somedays I think I have too much windshield time at my driving job..... seems like every little thing makes me think of Niles and it will be 3 years Memorial Day Weekend..... I see little kid clothes of anything at the stores that I used to shop for him items.... I look at kids in his age group.. so many things that bring him to my brain.  And I understand those of you who can't seem to share this with friends anymore..... everyone wants us to be "Over it" Or they want to take our mind off the child.... we all see how they just don't know how to comfort us... so we keep quiet because we think we are such downer's on our friendships.    I am still in disbelief that I really am a mother who lost my child... my baby.... my center....

Hey everyone, somehow, once again, I survived the night. I didnt think I would be able to get on today. I have so much anxiety over counting the years.

*  Stephanie, can you post some videos of your baby, I would gladly watch. You are so right, the lucky ones NOT in our shoes, just simply don't understand.

*  Grace, I too see my son in all stages of his life. He was 21yrs old but sometimes if i see someone pregnant, I think of my pregnancy with him. I think of when he was a few weeks old, I would put him on display, all dressed up, laying on my bed and I would just look at him in awe.....wow, my first born son, my little prince. I remember all of his favorite toys and television shows and movies. The Lion King was his #1. I remember the look on his face when he got the bike that he wanted. I long for my son so much. I still have to fight off my urge to hug young men, "boys" close to my son's age, especially if they physically look like my son.  

Thanks again for listening......many hugs to all.

I was not able to add text to the picture, but this is the bench Danny's friends had placed at the church garden. I find solice there, pray. leave flowers, and kiss the stone. This is the garden where Danny would jog during his workouts and take a rest to feed the fish. I still havwe some of the donations left and we are considering a fish food urn, I think Danny would have liked that.

For Danny's whole story:

http://home.earthlink.net/~salmonids/memorialfordanielphilliphyde/

This was Danny's favorite song:

http://youtu.be/LnET4RKXx5k

The church is about 300 meters from the house and gives me a place to connect. His grave at the family plot is one hour each way and I stop on the way to the family farm on the weekends.