I had a full blown panic attack last week with flashbacks to my son's last moments.  Still, like Dick, I am glad that I was with him at the end, and when he let out his last breath he smiled.  So tragic, and yet I believe that at that moment he felt that the doctors finally found the cure for his cancer and he was no longer in pain...  It is so hard to get rid of things that were my son's as other people here have said.  I still have corn dogs in the freezer from 4 years ago when he was going through chemotherapy and craved them one night.  I think he ate like 5 corn dogs that night, and I was just so damn happy he was eating.  This does suck. People change the subject now more than listen, and that makes me even sadder.  No one wants to hear anymore.  I am grateful for friends here who will always listen, and never tire of hearing stories or the names of our children.  

My wife told me tonight she did not want to lose me to a broken heart. 

I watched a program about the French Foreign Legion, Danny wanted to join to prove himself; I talked him out of it. I wish I had let him follow his heart now.

I wish I had been with him at the end.  Not just after he passed. To see him after he was gone would have been more than I could endure.  I understand how your wife feels Dick.  Is she your son's mother?  If so, how is she doing?  My husband is not my son's father though he had him for over 30 years.  He is not comfortable with my pain and crying.  He does not know what to say or do.  And like Karen it is hard that no one wants to hear about it anymore.  This has changed who I am.  I will no longer be the same friend/sister/daughter that I was before.  I wonder sometimes how they could expect more of me, but I realize that until you are part of this horrific club you have no idea how horrible you will feel.  

Yes, my wife is his natural mother as well. We have been married 32 years.

My wife suffers silently. She does not talk about Danny as much as I do, but she loves him very much. I was the most involved parent in his life for scouts, sports, and other activities. I was the one he would talk to and confide in. He told me the happiest days of his life was pre-school and would wrestle me on the floor. It hurts to miss him.

I just wanted to reaffirm with everyone that I will always be willing to listen to whatever anyone has to say. I try to read everyone's post, I don't always respond but I always read and my heart cries with everyone.  This support group has become a very important part of my life......you can see how much i'm on here. Fortunately and unfortunately, I am not alone.

I still have Flash backs... that's why I consider it PTSD....  A Song on the Radio an Old Movie... or somedays just looking at a photo... I still can not Believe I have survived 2 almost 3 years and that little boy has been gone...  In my dreams I keep searching for this lost child.....   His bedroom is still called Niles Room... so he should be in there sleeping.... Niles Bike.... Niles this or that... but as you all have mentioned our friends and family do change the subject and do not want to talk about them anymore.....  It is nice that we can talk here.    They really did exist... and our love still exist even if they are in a box in my dresser ....  those photos are proof that they really were here.

As for others telling us what our children "WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO DO" in this situation.... I think that is impossible to speculate.....  We do what we do to get through each day. 

I still have Flash backs... that's why I consider it PTSD....  A Song on the Radio an Old Movie... or somedays just looking at a photo... I still can not Believe I have survived 2 almost 3 years and that little boy has been gone...  In my dreams I keep searching for this lost child.....   His bedroom is still called Niles Room... so he should be in there sleeping.... Niles Bike.... Niles this or that... but as you all have mentioned our friends and family do change the subject and do not want to talk about them anymore.....  It is nice that we can talk here.    They really did exist... and our love still exist even if they are in a box in my dresser ....  those photos are proof that they really were here.

As for others telling us what our children "WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO DO" in this situation.... I think that is impossible to speculate.....  We do what we do to get through each day. 

Tired but cannot sleep.

Tough night.  Couldn't sleep. Another day now that I have to endure.  

It's been such a busy few weeks for me.  My first grandson was born on Monday.  It's so strange.... part of me is happy for this new life.  They gave him Samuel as his middle name to honor my son.  The other part of me started grieving all over again.  It hit me pretty hard the last few days.  My grandson looks like both my sons when they were babies.  It brought flashbacks of my son Sam when he was a baby.  Winter is such a sad time..... it seems to really bring on the emptiness in the part of my heart that is grieving for Sam.  My husband and I have been helping out so much with the two granddaughters this last 5 weeks, physically and emotionally I'm exhausted.  I need my time to grieve for my son.... I've realized that being so busy is actually worst.... all my emotions just erupt like a volcano when I can no longer be strong.  Tonight I'm going to meditate and think only of my son Sam.  I'm going to watch videos of him, I'm going to grieve hard, I'm going to cry, I'm going to yell, I'm going to have my glasses of wine, I am going to allow myself to feel and I'm not going to feel guilty or try to over analyze any of it.  Then I will light another candle in prayer for my son.  Hugs to everyone here on this forum.  Namaste my friends.

I see I was not the only one not sleeping again.  The nights all alone in this empty house that used to be so full of people and noise is something I will never get used to.  As I sat in the chair bought for my husband during those last terrible weeks of his life, the house so quiet, I could close my eyes and actually hear and feel what it was like when we moved in here.  My children were 8, 10, 11, and 13.  Moving from a small house into this big one they could practice their gymnastics from the kitchen through to the livingroom wall.  Cartwheels, handsprings, tumbling.  One after another, trying to outdo their brothers or sister.  Karl being the middle son tried harder than the others.  Why oh why cant I just go back in time to then.  Im sure I yelled at them too many times to stop because they were too noisy, or "you're going to break something".  I want that time back to just burn it deeper into my memory banks because back then I was too busy to realize how special those moments would be in 20 + years sitting alone, in an empty dark too quiet house, knowing my son is not going to pick up the phone if I call him and say, "I cant sleep, what to chat?"

Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, 
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, 
sweeps you up into its darkness, 
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, 
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped... 
Never again the same.

Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making.  
Don't let it, don't give up.

Thinking of you all and sending hugs.

NeverGiveUp.jpg

Words that everyone we know or come in contact with should read:

‎"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them.  They didn't forget they died.  What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that, is a great gift."
~Elizabeth Edwards

Tired, upset stomach, sad....usual day.

The strength that Elizabeth Edwards had!  What Courage and what Wisdom.....

I have tried to explain that many times to friends and family, that them talking about my son, helps ease my anxiety over them forgetting about him. I actually try to encourage it but most of them think it will make me upset. I tried to explain that I am already "upset', I am already sad. I need them to acknowledge that my son is not just a memory. It's hard enough dealing with the shock that the world still has gone on WITHOUT my son, even though my worls ended. Celebrating my son's birthday is as important as it was when he was still here. My emotions change......some days I feel like he will forever be 21 and other times I refer to him as what his current age would be..... he has turned 23.  I wonder if anyone else does that, as far as your child's age.

I have never had  sound night of sleep since this tragedy but lately, my insomia has worsened. My sister thinks I need a prescription to help me sleep but I told her because of my health problem, I'm to nervous to take it. That's not really the truth, the truth is I am afraid that I make take the whole bottle in one of my moments of despair. Even though I promised myself that I wouldn't cause my children any additional pain, I don't think the easy access would be wise. I guess I just have to suffer through it. It's really taking a physical and emotional toll on me. I am fixated on my son's final day in the hospital and his funeral.

Thanks again to all for listening.

Hi everyone, I have not been on here for a little while. I have been reading over everyones posts and I too have flashbacks to that awful day that I lost my son Zach. I am actually a little envious of those of you who were able to be with their loved when before they passed. Zach fell from a waterfall and rescue workers were unable to get to him for six hours. Though they have told us that he most probably died even before he hit the ground, the thought of my poor son lying there broken all alone is more than I can bare. 18 years ago my brother died in almost the exact way, from a fall by a frozen waterfall in Alaska. He and his friend were not found for three days, their bodies were frozen. I am like a lot of you, every time it comes nearer to the 3rd of the month I seem to have flashbacks to that day. All those emotions and pain come flooding back, and like several have said it is like a punch in the chest and it is hard to breath all over again. Today we were out with one of my daughters and someone asked how many children I have, and I said three because I couldn't bare to talk about having a son and having lost  him. Then when I came home, I felt like I had betrayed Zach, but I just couldn't talk about it then. Has anyone else had that happen? How do you respond if someone ask how many children you have? I feel like if I say four, they will ask and  then I will have to talk about it. I also hate when people tell me how incredibly strong I am. Then I feel like, do they think I really don't care, that I really am not missing my son? I think I am going through a numb phase. I don't like it, I get much more relief when I am able to cry and let it out. I'm sorry I am rambling. Thank you all for being here, so glad I can come here and let it all out. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Robin

Hey Robin.....you are not rambling! For me, when someone asks about my son, I aleays include him. Sometimes I say he passed away and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think I don't say he passed away because saying it makes it a reality that I can not accept. Other times say that he passed away because I want them to know how I'm feeling because it usually leads to me telling them how broken I am and sometimes I want to tell everyone...." hey, my son and I were robbed of his life, how dare this happen to us!"........ because I always thought I would be exempt, thought I would forever be spared this kind of pain, it's so unacceptable. It's always someone else......now I'm the someone else! Somedays its all over my face, I'll be out somewhere and someone will look at me and ask "oh my goodness, what's wrong!" and I, without hestitation, will scream....."i had to bury my 21yr old son, that's what's wrong !!!!!!!!! ".  Most are empathetic and others are uncomfortable but in that phase, during those moments, I'm not concerned about them. I always imagined what a parent would feel like if they had to bury their child and now I know it's beyond anyone's imagination.

I love the quote from Elizabeth Edwards.  So true.  Robin, it is different for all of us when people ask how many children we have.  I think that question, no matter how answered is one that brings pain to our hearts.  I had jury duty this past week, and had to list my children's ages; I listed Silas with the age he would be now, and put deceased.  I thought about it after, how people would probably think I was crazy.  Perhaps I am?? 

Same here, whenever the question comes up on how many children I have, I say two and leave it at that.  I just can't bare to say just one because I had two.  Sam will always be my son here physically or spiritually.  Hugs to you all.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I think I will always have to say four, because saying three felt so wrong and painful. Like you all said, Zach will always be part of my life and in my heart and he is and always will be my son. Just felt so wrong, when they were asking my daughter, I'm sure she probably was feeling the same way. She said she had two sisters, but did not mention Zach. I miss him so very much, still kiss his picture good night every night. I still sleep with a pair of his favorite shorts. Like you said Lorraine, maybe I am crazy, but I know you all understand and will not judge me. Thanks for always listening. Robin

i somehow thought i was doing progressively better, whatever that means... managing 5 hours a day as opposed to 2 or 3.  but in the past few months my world is tumbling in on me.  i wake up with actual PAIN in my stomach from ANXIETY. the anxiety is overwhelming, taking over everything. its not like i'm thinking a particular thought of jessy, yes i also have dreams that she never really died, and everyone made a big mistake, and she is waiting somewhere for me, in a room, in a hospital, and i am looking for her. its hard cos my other 3 kids are younger and i cant upset them too much - got to keep life as "normal" and "routing" as possible. but i feel like im a wreck, like im going to just shake to death

i somehow thought i was doing progressively better, whatever that means... managing 5 hours a day as opposed to 2 or 3.  but in the past few months my world is tumbling in on me.  i wake up with actual PAIN in my stomach from ANXIETY. the anxiety is overwhelming, taking over everything. its not like i'm thinking a particular thought of jessy, yes i also have dreams that she never really died, and everyone made a big mistake, and she is waiting somewhere for me, in a room, in a hospital, and i am looking for her. its hard cos my other 3 kids are younger and i cant upset them too much - got to keep life as "normal" and "routing" as possible. but i feel like im a wreck, like im going to just shake to death

Robin, you are no crazier than any of the rest of us here.  I have several articles of Sy's clothes that still smell like him.  And a bag full of clothes from when he was sick; clothes that he had worn that didn't get washed before he died.  I can't clean out his closet at this point, even though it has been over three years; the thought of it makes me so sad.  So I will leave it for now.  Janice, I understand the anxiety you are experiencing.  Last night a friend called, someone from my grief group who is a support as well as me being a support to her.  We can share anything, which is helpful since that isn't the case with most people at this point.  I was laying in the dark because it was too painful to have the lights on as I was looking at my Sy guy's pictures and feeling so anxious and full of despair.  It is a terrible feeling.  My friend called, and I just broke down; this feeling that life stopped in some ways when my son died has not passed, and I honestly don't expect it too at this time.  Not for a lack of loving my other children, or a need to feel miserable.  It just is what it is.  I have even joined a gym and am working out 5 or 6 nights a week.  People all think it's all good, and that I must feel better now that I am getting some exercise.  In all actuality, I feel just as sad, although I do feel that I am gaining some much needed physical strength.  So with a willingness to try just about anything, I can say that I have not found anything to take the pain of losing my beautiful boy away.  Sending hugs to all

Lorraine, we haven't gone through any of Zach's things yet. His girlfriend had been living with us since the accident, and has taken a few things but that was okay. I kind of want to look at what we have but don't really want to do it by myself. I don't think my husband is ready to do it yet. Feeling very empty and sad tonight, missing by boy so much. He was so funny and genuinely loving, he could always make me smile. Still so hard to believe that I won't be able to get one of his big hugs where he picked me up off the floor. I still feel like I am wearing that mask. Everyone thinks I am doing so well, and that I am so strong, I think I am just afraid to let it down. Life is so hard sometimes. Big hugs to all. Robin

I have gone through my sons things. Really was suprised at the number of friends and the giving personality he kept hidden from us. He was a Big Brother and a organ donor we were not aware of. Also, he was a bone marrow donor. We were shocked; I guess we did raise him to be giving. It is a shame he is gone. 

I know I will see him again, so I can tell him how proud of him we were.

I second that Robin, if you are "crazy", we're all crazy! The truth is, we are all in such pain, so devastating. I have said before that now i feel like I'm just wondering around instead of "living". I agonize over the the thought of having to say in the future, my son passed away or was robbed of his life 3,4,5,.......10yrs + ago! This is why I hardly mention how long ago my son met his demise. Saying, writing, typing, reading or even thinking those words, has only become a cruel reminder of what happened to my son, it only further imbeds my visions and thoughts of my son laying in ICU and visions of his funeral........you see, I'm still trying to convince myself that none of this NEVER happened and this is all a huge mistake. I guess that's why sometomes i get so angry when people try to convince me that God makes no mistakes. Well, I know it's a big fat mistake! How it not be! Then someone will say that I wouldn't have wanted my son to suffer, how about the option of him not suffering at all, how about him recovering 100%,.I would have even settled for 50%!

For me, the words death and died are so hard to come out of my mouth, those words cut my heart up of whatever little broken pieces that are left. Those words seem so final and cold, so hopeless. I prefer passed away, crossed over or often, robbed of his life. In the beginning, sometomes i would say that my son 'left' me but I don't really say that anymore because I know that my son would NEVER purposely leave me and he was enjoying his young life too much, he thought he was invincible, he always had fun.....he was only 21 for goodness sake! Counting the days, weeks, months, years just makes it harder for me, makes me feel like this is all a 'reality' and I don't want this to be real......I want to wake up from this!

Does anyone else have similar thoughts, does anyone have any feelings about my dreaded "d" word?

I do say the word Died.... I have a regular little script in my mind and I can talk about it almost like it happened to someone else.... but if I get off that Script... I fall apart.... The photos that I have seen... like his obituary photo... and my favorite of him.... I'm ok... but today after I read about cleaning things out... I went through one of the Many "Junk" Drawers in the house.... came upon photos I was not toughened up on... and the tears broke loose....  Yes it is 2  1/2 Years and I see his face and I can not believe he is DEAD! and Gone and not coming back!

He looks so soft and young in those photos... like he should still be here!  Not gone!  My Baby.... totally gone and not here anymore.... How do we ever really leave them behind and go on without them?   Reminds me of the EAGLES Song "In A New York Minute"    "Everything can change... In a New York Minute... everything is strange...... One day Your here next day You're Gone".....

In an Instant..... our lives have changed.

karen, saying the words depends on my mood. when im feeling at peace with it - which isn't often - i talk about her "passing", or for how long she's been with G-d now, and the angelic state she is in. when i am sad or angry and dont want to accept it, i say the words died and dead, cos they're cruel words to me and they make me angry, and maybe it's SOMEWHERE to direct my anger.

and i too, constantly want this to all not be reality, to be an awful dream i'm gonna wake from.

grace, you know the funny thing is we dont want leave them behind and carry on, as people say we should, but in fact, "they have left US behind", it is our precious children that have moved on to the next phase of the journey of life, and i find that consoling, to know that jessy has moved on, further than me. and they have not left us behind, they are with us ALL THE TIME.

lorraine, even with all my stable and supportive words, much of the time, i am still that wreck. i often have to take a tranquiliser, that makes me nervous, but it helps. i just dont know if i'm going to get worse or better. the anxiety causes pain pain pain in the top of my stomach, i dont know what to do with the pain.  april this year will be 4 years already. i HATE saying that, cos in my dreams she somewhere and i cant find her and its driving me crazy cos i know its not true. and most of all, i have this crazy ex - who always tried to claim i was an unfit mother, so i'm  not even comfortable to open up HERE to how i really feel in case he's hacking in, and - oh boy - sorry for bothering you all with my issues, i just dont know where to turn with my innermost feelings... any words of wisdom from anyone?

Karen, it took me a few years before I could say the "D" word.  It does have such a cruel ring to it when you are talking about someone's child, especially your own.  I usually say passed on; I like "crossed over" though I don't say it much. Those are words with at least a measure of comfort, which can be hard to come by as we all know.  Janice, I am sorry you have to worry about an ex when you are in this much pain and have found some support here.  So sad, isn't it?  I sometimes think about that, not with an ex, but what if something happened to me and my girls found my stuff here; having to relive all of the pain of losing their brother and realizing that it is hard for me to get a handle on things... it is something I am sure that they know in their hearts, but I still feel somewhat protective of them..  Take care, everyone, as best as you can~

I think I say Died and Dead because I don't think I want a More Comforting term.... Maybe I want it to sting and be painful... because it is painful... and maybe I am not concerned to make it more "Comfortable" for others to hear this PAIN... 

This has been a difficult week... I mentioned ealier of a FB Friend who friended me at the time of my son's death who has just lost her 11 year old Daughter exactly the same way my 14 year old son died....  

I just cleaned a Junk Drawer and cried as I found some old photos.. I mentioned that already today... so I thought I would get away to a movie  "A JOYFUL NOISE"  where one of the characters was an Autistic young man who questioned Why God mad hime this way.... and Queen Lativa sang "Fix Me Jesus.."  I had to got to the restroom and cry again....   what is around the corner???? 

I find No Comfort in words.... and wonder if I really want to find Comfort?  So afraid of fading memories..... maybe if We totally heal.. we feel like we are not loyal to the memory of this painful loss....????

Janice, I was uncomfortable with my name being out there and making me uncomfortable with sharing what I needed to share in case someone in my family stumbled on this site as well and my words hurt them in some way.  So.....  I edited my profile and used a name they wont easily associate with me.  I think you should do that too.  Pick a name out of a hat if you have to but find a way to make your presence here as positive as it can possibly be. 

Yes Anna  I agree Janice you need to have a space to talk and vent

Hey Grace and everyone, I think that I may feel the same way when you mentioned that so called "healing" is equal to not being loyal to our child. it may sound irrational but I must admit that I often feel that way. It's the same feeling I get in regards to listening to music or dancing or maybe enjoying a comedy show. I feel like I have no more joy. I think to myself, what the hell would I be dancing about, what the hell is funny enough for me to laugh at.........it's so hard for me to enjoy myself without feeling so guilty. My family tries really hard to convince me otherwise but I really feel guilty. I feel like my son would be so hurt if I went to a comedy show, so now I would never go.....the guilt I would probably feel afterwards would make it not even worth it. There is something else that I basically gave up since my son passed away and it has nothing to do with guilt, I don't listen to music in my car anymore. Prior to all of this, I would always drive and listen to music but now it just increases my sadness because it reminds me of how much my son loved music, it reinforces that he's not around to hear it, sometimes it just makes me angry. But when I am not alone and  my other children are in the car with me, they insist on listening to music, so i just convince myself that my son is riding in the car with us and he is enjoying it also. I remember at my daughter's recent wedding, sat down during most of the reception and watched in amazement at everyone laughing and dancing, just having a grand time and I was silently thinking, wow, what's wrong with these people......don't they know that my son is not here!!! I tried my best to conceal my sadness at her wedding because I didn't want to ruin her day. When everyone kept trying to get me to get up and dance, at first I was so hurt and felt like they were being insensitive. Eventually, my husband came to my aid and told everyone to just leave me be. He sat beside me the entire reception even though I kept encouraging him to go and have a good time. For some reason I was more angry at watching my other children dance and laugh, I started feeling like they had forgotten about their brother and then finally, I said to myself that they should have a good time and I would not make them feel guilty about it. I realize that I can not expect or require that my children or anyone else grieve the same as I do. I have also learned that my children go out of their way to hide their grief/mourning in my presence because they are so worried about upsetting me. Sometimes I feel like I need to know, I need to see them mourn to reassure me that they haven't forgotten. My emotions are all over the place, just crazy. It's like I am on a mission to make sure my son knows that he will NEVER be forgotten.

Maybe one day I will be able to enjoy myself without feeling totally guilty.

Waves of grief, sadness, guilt...everyday. Again tomorrow, my energy level is low. I really don't care about much any longer. My mother told me the grief does moderate; she lost my father, grandmom. grandfather, two grandchildren now; so she is a voice of experience. I hope she is right.

HI Karen, my children choose not to talk about their brother as much as I do.  One of my daughters just moved away, to Austin, and with me being in MA I don't get to see her much.  I had asked her if she still thinks of Silas everyday, and she told me that thoughts of him are with him always, as is the experience of his cancer and death.  When I went to see her there was a photo of Sy on her bedstand; taken before he was diagnosed with cancer.  He was at a Pete Seeger show,, taking photos and very happy.  I realize that they need to be young and that losing a sibling, while it is horrendous, is not quite the same as it is for us.  I want my children to be happy, I guess it is hard though when I still feel the need to talk about Sy, and often it is met with silence now.  Dick, I believe the grief is like waves, nothing linear about this loss.  And then there are waves inside the waves as time goes on.  You will be hit with big ones when you least expect it, I imagine it will be like this forever.  It has been over three years since Silas passed on, and the sadness has not left me.  How could it?  I know that some people do feel happiness again, but as parents still carry that loss within...  I miss my beautiful boy so desperately...

thank you my dearest friends, for your deep feelings about me not feeling free to talk about my experience because of a worry like an ex. lorraine, anna, grace, thank you - it sounds like a wonderful idea to use another name, cos it really is even doubly hard, not only to have to suffer the daily emotions, but not even feel free to share with friends who are going through the very same feelings. thank you my friends.  i hope you will "pick up" who i am, and that he doesnt- he's pretty sharp. but i think i'll find a way.

hi my dearest caring friends. i'm stephanie. havent always been stephanie. but maybe stephanie will manage better. i know you all understand what i mean. lots and lots of love always, xxxxxxx

Hi Stephanie, I do know you!  I am very glad I was able to help you in some small way to feel the love this place has to offer.  I do not know what I would have done the past 4 months without this to come to to ground me, let me vent without worrying about how people will deal with me next time they see me, and just to feel I am not going completely mad!!

Hi Stephanie... I know you too.....

Yay! im so so glad you know me.  ... now i have been terrified for the longest time to ask ANYONE such a question in case they think i have just lost it altogether!...  i wish, so wish, i didnt have to leave her buried in the ground... i wish i could keep her body with me, no matter what happens to it, even once its become just a skeleton - i want that skeleton, i want to place it in a comfortable little bed, with a soft cover, and stroke it, and know that she is here - not buried in some ground somewhere!  okay - i accept if some of you think that is totally sick, but is there ANYone who has constantly had this need?  sometimes it drives me crazy, cos i just want her with me, no matter in WHAT form !!!

Wanting our child and in my case husband too, to be with us no matter what is not crazy.  I have my husbands ashes and his wife has my sons.  I would just like to sneak into her house and take them!!  I have asked her to let us bury them, or scatter them somewhere special because I need a place to go to be with him and now I cant.  I would give anything, do anything have them in any condition just to be able to hold them one more time.  What you think about is not much different.  You want your child back!  You want to hold her!  You need to express those wants, and we are here to listen.

"Stephanie" I am sure that not many people would understand your feelings, but I have to say that I am glad that my Sy guy is cremated so that I can keep his ashes close.  Yes, I understand that this is no longer him, rather, his remains. However, I choose to wear a bit of his ashes in a necklace; I have two, one is a silver tear drop with butterfly engraved into it, and the other is a star with a heart on it.  Today I was in the town where Sy lived which is about an hour away from where I live; I went to the parking lot of the Sear's store there, where Silas and I had gone shopping for bake ware when he was first diagnosed.  I remembered how Silas had turned to me after we left the store and had gotten into the car, and he said, "it's going to be okay mom."  I love him for that, for his courage.  F#*king cancer.  There is nothing okay about this.  Just sadness

Oh, I just lost my comment and can't begin to write again so I will just welcome Stephanie back and let her know that I also returned.  :)  Doesn't seem right that even here we have to be careful sometimes.  Hope you will feel more at ease this time. {{{Hug}}}.

Take care every one, and {{{hugs}}} to all of you too.

Hey everyone. I have a gold heart with my son's picture on it, gold tear drop earrings.....that represent my tears and I carry a photo brag bag of 6 of my son's photos at different ages.....my bag/pocket book, makes me feel like I'm bringing him out with me, including the 2 photos I have of him in my car that hang from my rear view mirror. One of my daughters thinks that I should take the photo out of my car, she made me angry. I refuse, it's my car! She told me that I am hurting her feelings because she never sees me wear the designer bag she bought me. I just feel like my photo brag bag is worth so much more than the most expensive bag that money can buy. I have been wearing my bag since 1 month after my son passed, so it's past 2 yrs! I've been wearing my earrings and charm for almost as long. It's strange though because I never felt like I was deliberately wearing these items, I just have the need to keep any and every little thing of his being......mainly his name and his pictures, close to me. It's like I want people to see and ask, "who is that?" so I can proudly say" this is my son but I am destroyed since I had to bury him". Most times I just say that he is my son without any other details. My daughter has also voiced to me that she feels like I am making myself and my car a "shrine" of my son. I also have a bumper sticker with my son's name and with his birthdate and day he passed on. On the passenger side window I have another note that I made with his nick name and "forever 21" and then on driver's window I have a small decal with his nick name and the dates. She thinks it's too much but he's not her son. I hope when she becomes a mother, that she will NEVER know this pain, this loss.  Maybe it is too much for some and maybe it will be too much for me at 1 point but for now it's what I need and want.  My sister in'law, had to bury her 10 month old son almost 18 yrs ago and she never put a marker or monument at his final resting place. She said she never will because she can't bare the thought of reading her son's name in a cemetary. Till this day, she is not OK with it, she still wants her son, her little baby back and she had another child a year after he passed away. Everyone is different.

Thanks guys for listening

As I was writing my last post below, I am wondering if maybe it is a little extreme...I can't help it though.

Karen, please take care not to exclude your other children. I can see their point of view. I try to be equal to all my children living or passed.