Well I made it through yesterday and I think I did well....only cried a few times, if you asked my husband he would say different. The hoidays just seemed to intensify things. My Dan loved to cook a big dinner on Christmas so I just coudn't bring myself to do that.....I thank you Dan for giving me the strengh that I prayed for to get me through the day, now get me through life....LOve you Mom

Robin, it was the same for me on Christmas day.  I found some joy being around my family.  My son, daughter-in-law, granddaughters came  out.  My sister, niece and nephew also came out.  We found some peace having them over.  But in the evening, we had our moments as Sam's memories would flood in.  My sister and son sat in Sam's room.  My son was crying.  My sister came out of Sam's room and said that she found Sam's room very peaceful in there.  His presence is there.  Pictures, his framed nine inch nails tshirt, his guitars, keyboard and his favorite Wolf blanket.  I go in there a lot as well, just to sit and reflect.  I miss you Sam.  I love you son.  Lorie, I totally understand about your feelings seeing your son's friends.  It hurts sometimes, seeing them all growing up.  Today, I told myself I'm going to rest and just reflect and hold my son in my heart.  Namaste my friends.

Lorie... I have had those same feelings when I see kids that are the age my son should be..... how some have survived and I hear people proclaim that GOD has "Blessed" them and I wonder Why I was not given such Mercy.  One of my cousin's kids has survived Lymphoma... they were riding that scary ride od losing him... yet he has survived and I wonder if they even know what they have been given..... another friend from school has a son who has beeen in a terrible accident... lost the lower part of his leg and still is in the hospital fighting...but looks like he is going to live.... And wonder how did they dodge this club?

why do other folks mundane complaints make me think ..."Hey your troubles are small in comparison to ours"....  petty really.    Well congratulations Everyone.... Most of us have made it to the other side of Christmas... but Sandra weighs heavy on my heart.  

Oh wow, I have been thinking of you all for the last week or more.  I just couldn't bring myself to get on here.  I relate to all your comments and more.  I also made it through our Christmas eve get together, but in reality I wasn't there.  I went through the motions, but have no idea of what was going on.  Did the same as on Thanksgiving by keeping busy and not sitting at the table while everyone ate.  It's the only way I can get through these holidays.  I finally went out to visit at my sister-in-law's home.  That was even harder.  Broke down as soon as we walked in.  I'm such a mess.  Can't wait for the new year to start so I can just get back to the 'normal' daily messes that I'm adjusting to.  At least I do get some days of being okay then.  I hate to say it, but this never ends.  I think we just adjust to living with it and it becomes a part of us where it doesn't seem as bad all the time.  I also couldn't comment on here since we lost Sandy.  I had such mixed feelings when I read what happened.  Those that were able to have good days, I am truly happy for you.  I know we don't get them often enough, so I say enjoy them when they are there.  Blessings, love, and big hugs all around.  Especially to our new members.  I want to say it's nice to meet you, but I'm so sorry you had to come here.  ♥ * •. ¸ ♥ ♥ ¸ • *  ♥

I am more depressed today than all of the days leading up to and on Christmas day.  

Hey Ammy, thanks for your words of encouragement, we all need that.

Many hugs.

Hey Adrianne, so sorry to hear that, I know those feelings that you must be having all to well. Our lives are constantly up and down.......I'm sure mostly down. There is nothing anyone could say to make it all "BETTER" but at least know that we all care and validate all of your feelings. If I could, I would give you a big hug.....for real! I cry with everyone on this site as I read your postings. So sorry sweetheart. I wish we lived in a 'perfect' world.

Two invites to New Year parties and I don't feel like going to any. I don't feel like partying; I like being alone now. 

Funny how a death of a close one will change you. I used to be hard charging, outgoing and life of the party...jokes, dancing, magic... I don't have the life I used to. I would rather be alone now with my thoughts.

Hey Dick, I know how you feel, its hard for me to watch other people enjoy theirself when I feel so destroyed, so broken. Maybe you can attend for a short while so you can say that you made a appearence.

Dick, I couldn't do anything for the holidays the first year after Silas died.  I stayed in bed and cried.  The second year was a little better, I was able to get out of bed & my girls and I pulled the futon out and watched comedy dvd's for Christmas...  We then went to NH to visit a friend of Sy's; after that I fell apart.  Cried a lot that year too.  this year I have been a little stronger & able to force myself to do a few things; shop with my daughter, have a few people over at Christmas (no entertaining though), and bake a little.  I did fall apart for a bit last night, with realizing the enormity of Sy's being gone.  I don't feel like doing much, and I try really hard to listen to my inner feelings and not push it too much.  Go easy on yourself.  You are not the same person you were before losing your son; and will never again be that person.  But maybe in a few years time you will be able to go out for a bit.  I know that the pain will never be gone, I am beyond thinking that, in fact I knew from the moment I lost Silas that it would be a part of me always.  But I can put out a bit more energy now before I fall apart.... sending hugs to all

Has anyone on here ever lost that feeling of complete devastation?  The feeling that you have all day long as if someone just told you the worse thing you could ever hear?  I'm so beat up from this suffering.  I look at Don's picture and I get that feeling of sickness rather than sadness.  The feeling that something is so very very wrong.  I miss my boy.  

I dont want to be this person, its not me.

Hey Dick. I know what you mean. Who in their right mind would volunteer for this crap!!? This is a involuntary membership to this "club".  Unfortunately I think that this is my "new normal". If you decide not to take part in any upcoming festivities, hopefully whoever gave you the invite will know not to take it personal. I feel your pain.   many hugs to you.

Hey Lorraine and everyone. This Christmas, it helped a lot to see my little one excited and so happy. The pain was still there but I forced myself to keep it in check for her sake, it wouldn't have been fair to her, she's only 7yrs old. If it wasn't for her, I probably would have just stayed in bed the whole day. She was a big distraction for me, unfortunately, the distraction is sometimes short lived. Some of my friends and family still don't quite get that me having other children does NOT fill the void of me losing one. One child does NOT replace the other. How can any of this ever be 'acceptable"? How? What's good about it? Some people tell me that I need to just accept it because it's a part of life, a fate that none of us are exempt from. But however true that may be, does not make it easier to accept, it doesn't ease the pain. Sometimes I feel like a cruel joke is being played on all of us if this will be the end result. Why couldn't have been that if we couldn't live forever, how about just making it so that a parent NEVER has to bury their child.....all children bury their parents.

When Danny died I had calls from people wanting to harvest his organs. I told them heck no; I was not in the mindset for that request.

As I go through his things; I have found out he was an organ donor. I did not realize that was his wishes. I also get messages from his little girl he was a Big Brother to. I was not aware of this as well. It is amazing the things in his life I am finding out about as I go through his affects.

I feel badly about these discoveries and how I acted now.

Make me want to puke knowing what they were capable of. I am tortured by the work "IF"; if I could have, should have, would have. I run the thought experiment everyday and if I had made a small change in my routine I may not have been here. "IF" tortures me. "IF" is a powerful word.

Something else bothers me, over the past year he had seen a lot over our relatives and friends. He made amends with a good friend of his over some difficulty. He stayed with his grandmother and painted her bath. He helped me with a lot of home improvement as well.  A lot of unusual activity; I did not really notice at the time. Was this his way of saying good bye to everyone? I was in the bathroom at my mothers house and I could feel him.

I guess I will miss him and be sad the rest of my days.

Keeping it "in check" is well put.  I was able to do that for this holiday much better than the last two, yet I am in such pain and cannot seem to get a handle on it. I am feeling so overwhelmed with sadness in knowing that my Silas is not coming back.  I am trying to stay strong for my girls, but it is not easy.  Dick, I agree with you that you will miss him all the rest of your days.  Unfortunately this is our life now...  something I would not wish on anyone, but wish others could understand a little better.  I need to feel free to talk about my Sy guy without the room going into an awkward silence.  I need to know that the world will not forget that this amazing young man who was brave & funny & very imperfect but generous and loving was here.  He was here, and he made a difference... sending love to all of you my friends here~

I don't post here very often. But I want to thank you all for being here. Reading each of your posts has helped me so much. I too would love for people to talk about by son Claude. CC (his nick name) was always the life of the party. One year him and his brother were late getting home for Christmas and a bad snow storm was coming in. He calls and says he was not going to make it. About that time he come running through the door singing "I'll be home for Christmas!" That little stinker had been standing at the door the entire phone conversation. This Christmas it seems everytime I turned on the radio they were playing that song. Just seemed his way of saying "Hey Mom, I am still around wanted you to know I love you!" May sound crazy but hey he always said I was nuts too!

I wear a ribbon which bears the Gold Star in his honor. This gives me a chance to tell others about him. This year my two grand-nieces and grand-nephew asked me about it. (This was the first time I had met them as I did not live in the same state for many years.) It was good to talk about him but it was also very hard as they wanted to know why he died. How can you explain to a three year old the life of someone serving in the Army?

Sorry I am rambling but I needed to talk somewhere and you guys here are the only ones who truly understand what I am talking about. Thanks for listening.

Have had a couple of days where I was doing amazingly okay, but tonight the pain is as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. My son's girlfriend made me five cds for Christmas, all of Zach's music, what a wonderful gift. She also showed me some short videos she had taken over the past  year she had taken of Zach. I got to hear his beautiful laugh, and see his smile. God how I miss him so terribly much. I think I have just been pretending to myself that this is all just a bad dream. I feel like I did the day that it happened, so empty and sad. The pain makes it hard to breath all over again. I am glad you are all hear and that I have somewhere to turn, you all know the feeling. I have been reading everyones post and wish so much that known of us ever had to feel this kind of pain and loss. At least we all understand and  have each other. Big hugs to all. Robin

The "What IFs".  They're mean and cruel.  In the beginning they came to me whenever they wanted.  This is something that may help when they decide to pop up.  Tell them, this is your Sacred Space!  Your Heart.  You are grieving for your child.  There is no room in this Sacred place for the IFs.  Go away "What IFs", you are not needed here in my heart.  Hugs to you all.  Namaste.

Reading all the comments again and feeling each one's pain along with my own.  Had to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.  Then I imagined you all were in a room and when I walked in we all came together in a group hug.  Crazy?  Maybe, but it actually felt comforting for a minute.  Strangers, yet family.  A coming together because the worst thing that could happen to us happened.  I can only hope that because of this we can find some good from it.  

Love you all ... •. ¸ ♥ ♥ ¸ •

I can't get myself to take his name and number off my phone and email.....it feels like I would be letting him go......I still have his ashes I am not ready to spread them where he wanted and I find myself holding him and crying...then I figure if anyone knew this they would put me away, but I think you all understand so I can tell you.....am I crazy?

Lorie,

Little different for me...I want to sell our houe since Dan was living with us for a few years....too many memories, when I go in his room I just sit and cry..I can see him cooking me up something special in my kitchen...and then everytime my grandkids come over they go to the intercom because he use to play and talk to them on there....they want to talk to Uncle Danny...it breaks my heart

Although my grief is not new (almost 3 years now), I am new to this group.  I appreciate all the honesty I have seen and read since finding this on-line community. I have felt so very alone for so long (like being in a 1 person club).  I am grateful that you are all willing to share your hearts.  Just because my son is no longer with us, doesn't mean I want to stop talking about him.  But I believe it makes most people I'm normally around feel uncomfortable when I do.  They don't understand and don't know what to say in return, so I in turn don't say a whole lot so I don't make them feel uncomfortable.  My husband and I aren't on the same page in the grieving area either, which makes it very difficult.  To comment on Mary & Lorie's post, I still have my son's name in my phone too!  I dialed his number once and someone already had his old number.  That was kind of hard.

Does anyone else feel the dread of a new year because it means another year your child has been gone?  It is so difficult to think about, it will be 4 years this coming May since Silas died, and I can't bear to think about it.  It hasn't gotten easier, just longer... sending love to all friends here~

Not looking forward to New Years, feels like I am leaving Danny behind.

Hey Mandy, some people should really think long and hard before they speak! Obviously that person that "suggested" that you simply have another child, either 1, still has all of her children or 2, does not have any children! People are not REPLACEABLE! I know how much it angered and hurt you when she said that to you. Our children are not just a "memory" to us! They are our children, our babies, they will always be. They had a life! I want my son here with me,  I will NEVER accept this.

Many hugs.

We so miss our dear sweet son Jason.  Our life has changed so much!

@Mandy, a lot of the pictures in the video are on your page as well.

I am having alot of trouble lately dealing with the death of my son, Jimmy.  I just can't accept that God would take  a 22  yo with him so soon.  I miss him everyday so much more, and I don't know how to deal with all the anger towards the drunk driver for taking my precious son's life.  I love you and miss you Jimmy everyday and every minute

lots of love to all my most valuable friends. at this new year we must know we are not "leaving our beloved children behind"... on the contrary, they are way further than we are on the journey of life, THEY have moved on! and one day, please G-d we will be with them again. in the meantime we deal with our pain by walking this journey together the way we do, and knowing they are with us every step of the way. a blessed 2012 to all angel moms and dads! and thank you for being there

Just got off the phone with my youngest daughter.  I've been calling her since 3 this afternoon.  I figured she was sleeping as I saw that she was on her Facebook after 3 this morning.  Asked her if she had a bad night and she broke down.  Said she couldn't stop thinking that Charles missed all of this year.  Another first.  I hadn't even thought of that.  His first whole year not here.  Does it ever end?  I don't want to think of those things, but I know they can't always be avoided.  I try hard to push things out of my mind anymore.  Thinking only makes the pain worse and now I feel the anxiety coming on. 

I'd like to hope everyone is managing, and I know this is wishful thinking, but.....

I hope this New Year will bring you all New Hope, and
New Beginnings...

Topped off with PEACE in your heart, LOVE in your life,  and GOOD HEALTH both mentally and physically.

Blessings and love to all.     ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤

While 2012 will be "New" to those who have not lost a child we here understand it means just another year they are not with us. To all parents whom this is your first year without your child I pray for you that you will come to understand that we are the ones missing out. Our children have gone ahead of us to something we can never understand this side of eternity. I long for the day when I will lay my head down for that final peaceful sleep. Yet I know it will not be for a long time yet as my work is not yet done here on earth. I have 11 wonderful grandchildren and 2 special great-grandchildren (my oldest step child is in her late 30's and my youngest was just 20 when he was killed 5 years ago.) So I stick around for them to see them grow up and answer questions about their uncle when they come around. (Sorry got to rambling) Back to the issue. I pray that everyone will find a blessed year in 2012 - peace in their hearts, minds, and souls.

If I were still at home in Ontario it would be 2012 already.  Here in BC I have an hour and half left to think.  No Karl calling me at 12:01 doing his best to yell "Happy New Years Moms and Dad".  He wasnt here last newyears either but I had the strong arms of his dad to hold me and whisper in my ear, "Its ok, He is in a better place with no pain".  I could make it with my husband to share.  Now they are together in the better place with no pain and I am still here.  Breathing another breath for another second, another minute, another hour, another day.  Now another year.  No matter how many of my other 3 children, their spouses, my grandchildren surround me the emptiness of my arms is overwhelming.  2012, just another date without the piece of my heart taken when Karl and then Tom died.  Damned be the "BETTER PLACE:"!!!!!!!

New years is not as hard as I thought. I did not go anywhere just stayed at home. I had friends and family trying to get me out; but I don't feel much like partying. I guess I am blessed to have people thinking of me. Well, I hope we all have a better year in 2012. Via con Dios.

today my grandson who is 4, took me by the hand and walked me to the hallway where pictures of my 4 children hang. He pointed to my youngest daughter and said" that's my mommy". and then he pointed at my youngest son and said "that's my uncle Del and he's in heaven" then he pointed to my oldest daughter and said "that's my auntie AJ" and them he pointed to my oldest son and ran to the closet grabbed a black stetson hat that belonged to my oldest son, put it on his head and said "that's my uncle Benk and this is his hat, and he's in heaven with uncle Del." It has taken me a very long time to look at those pictures. when this little 4 year old boy said such sweet things about what he saw on the wall I cried but not tears of sadness tears of joy. I finally understood that death does not stop the love and does not cause you to forget how important and how much love is still there for those who have died. I held my little grandson who is still wearing the hat and I held him for the longest time. I have great hope that I will survive and I wll keep on living and loving in honor of both my sons. In this New Year I resove to do the best I can to make the best of the rest of my life here on earth and to be as happy as life will allow. I love my boys and I know they loved me, and I want that love to carry on for as long as I live. Happy New Year to all. I wish everyone grieving peace and love and tranquility for your soul.

Greetings Debbie, so sorry to hear of your pain that I know all too well. My 21 yr old son and I were robbed of his life. I am still very angry, I recently reached the 2 yr mark and nothing is "better", I still struggle with the idea that it will one day be "better"..... not possible! I would choose to have my son back and my once happy life back over things getting "BETTER" with time! This whole thing sucks. The time is just getting longer and reinforces that my son is not here. Hopefully, it will begin to become "EASIER". Sending you and everyone many hugs.

Today was a bad day. I have been nauseated all day thinking about my son. He could have done so much more in his life; but it was cut short. I keep thinking about what if and what I could have done differently.

We were going to start a business together; but he had not finished his post graduate. I just keep thinking about what if. It is weighing heavily on me now; almost like a stone on my chest. It is hard to breathe.

We have a minister at my company and he came by to pray with me. I think this is what got me down, not his fault, mine. The stone company called with the bench and when to deliver it. Just a lot of moving parts.

Just down today.

Dick, sorry this has been a difficult day for  you.  The what if's are so difficult.  So much more we wished for our children to experience in life... it just sucks.  Hang in there my friend, best as you can

Sorry Dick, I understand, my heart is heavy with the loss of my son also. I have bad days and not so bad days. Too bad we don't live in a perfect world where we would NEVER know this pain. I suffer with the 'what ifs' all the time, I blame myself a lot. I feel like I helped my son's demise by agreeing to donate his kidney. I regret doing it now. I know it may sound irrational but I can't get rid of my guilt.

Sending a big hug.

Sorry you had a difficult Day Dick....  I think we are all haunted by the what ifs.... somedays hits you with a big wave of emotions.....   My son was 14... what if  He would not have started his day drinking water?  Have the siezure?  He was coming out of it... what if they did not give him the drug he was allergic to?  What if we would have just turned the car around and detoured that hospital altogether?  What if that DR would have just given him an Epi Shot?  What if I was not at Wal-Mart shopping for our Picnic for that Day?

What if those Doctors would have know all of this 6 months earlier when we had air lifted him then?  What if ... What If...  I continue to have what ifs and it is 2  1/2 years later and non of those what ifs has changes the WHAT IS.....

If you have some faith (Lord Knows mine is Really the Mustard Seed) you may need to believe that God is in charge of all of the What Ifs... and the WHAT IS was God's Game Plan all along... and there is no way we could have made any of those what if changes that torture us. 

The Hangover Part 2 is on DVD, the last movie I saw with Danny. I always think of time as before and after Danny. Time is an odd concept to me now; seems to move slowly now. 

Days are long.

Adrianne, I have not found relief yet. You will be the first to know when I find it.

Drinking definitely not it, I only feel worse. I have given it up.

This is not relief but it is understanding. I have been going to Compassionate Friends meeting. This group is for parent, siblings and grandparents of children that have passed. They are all over the U.S. that I know of, I am looking forward to the meeting next week.