hi katherine, just to give you a big huggg. i,m feeling it too, missing my baby so much. lots of love, jan

Sending hugs for everyone xxx

Thanks Jan. Love and hugs go a long way in the healing processes. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and it will be better.

It was a month ago on the 30th that we buried our son alexander due to stillbirth. It has been hard on both my husband and myself. We never thought that we would be burying our son. We just want answers to our many questions about why he died.

Hi Rebecca - I'm so sorry to learn about your little Angel Alexander and I'm so sorry you never got to meet him. One of the hardest things is not having an answer to all those questions - so my heart goes out to you. Did the doctors give you any indication? Did they do tests to see if they could find out the cause? None of us here ever thought they would be burying their children - it seems so wrong. But they are a wonderful bunch of people with the biggest hearts who will try to help you through the hardest times - when you need help just yell. I won't try to tell you we all the answers but we do have some of the broadest, warmest shoulders you've ever known. Sending you a huge hug my love - I know how tough this is for you and my heart goes out
love Gail xx

just a hi and BIG HUG to my dearest friends. just missing my jessy. love jan

Hugs back atcha Janice and to all of us
((((((((((((((((HUGZZZZZ)))))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of all of you - (HUG)

Just came to check on everybody. May the skies be a little brighter for us all tomorrow as we journey though our grief. Sending hugs to all of you.

Hello my Friends,

This past week has been tremendously difficult for me...I miss my daughter SO MUCH and I just don't know what to do with all these emotions I cannot share with her anymore. Spiritually she is with me always but her physical absence brings on such confusion and pain. She was my only child and I feel so lost without her. I still feel her love for me and can hear her voice but the pain feels like a knife in my heart...
One day I will be with her again; but until that day comes I want to be able to think of her and not feel such agonizing pain, but the joy she brought into my life from the day she was born until the day she died.

(((((BIG HUGS))))) to all my friends.

Laura

hi laura, im sorry i didnt see your post earlier and resond sooner. i guess since that past week, you might be feeling a little easier. if it helps at all, i am also missing my jessy PAINFULLY. sometimes its so bad it feels like a just cant go on anymore. then better days come along, and i have the urge to do so much in her memory. in our religion it is believed that whatever goodness you do here on earth, in the name of our loved ones who have passed on, it ELAVATES their soul, in heaven.

Hi Janice,
Your thoughts and feelings about your Jessy are the same I have for my Angela. You are so right about not being able to go on at times and then good days do come along; but when the days are painful, THEY ARE PAINFUL. Thank you for taking the time to send me a note of comfort...it really does mean a lot to me!
Laura

youre welcome. it makes so much difference in our lives, and our personal struggle, to know we can talk to someone who REALLY knows the pain

Laura, I hope this finds you feeling a bit better. Grief takes time. A lot of time. My daughter, Irene has been gone 9 years. There are times when I can remember our good times together and it makes me smile. I still have days when it feels like my heart will be ripped out. But it's not like it used to be, feeling it everyday. When I come on this site its like coming home almost. I'm with friends and they know how I am feeling, why I'm feeling it. hugs to all

Jaho'va Witness just stopped by- I almost felt bad for them for trying to push their beliefs down my throat. I would not have went out but, my dog was as happy as I was to see them. Yes, I was polite.... But- your barking up the wrong tree sister!

I mean really- I am not saying they aren't good people- But- !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay on your own freakin property & shut the heck up! Wonder what they would think if I showed up at there place & preached my beliefs at them.
Ahhhhh- sorry needed to vent-----!!!!

Hi Karen,
Vent all you want, I'm with you on this one! We have a very nice, decorative wrought iron gate with a sliding bolt on the inside of our enclosed front porch so if someone walks up to the gate they must put their hand through the bars to manipulate the bolt. We installed this years ago because we had a very large dog that was aggressive to visitors and to make sure that if he got out the front door there was a second barrier to keep him safe and secure. He is no longer with us but the gate is as well as the "Beware of Dog" sign. Do you know how many people will reach through the gate, slide open the bolt, take 3-4 steps to my front door, ring the bell, then run back outside the gate for safety? I then preach/lecture to them about trespassing (what makes them think they have the right to place their hand through the bars and enter my property?) then politely ask them to leave. While I love having visitors I don't appreciate or want unsolicited requests of any kind!
Take care and thanks for sharing.
(((((HUGS)))))
Laura

Thanks Laura, Nice to feel understood.!!

Hello, I'm new at this, I lost my son in feb. and have been tring cope the best i can, I miss him every day. he past on the 6th and his birthday is the 11th, is it crazy to want to have a birthday party for him? Maybe i finaly am loseing my mind.

Wendy,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. If having a party feels right for you then I say go for it...we all grieve differently and there is no book of right and wrong. So I say no, it is not crazy and no, you are not losing your mind. However you decide to spend his birthday you have my support and I'm sure the support of many others here. I believe all of us follow our hearts on the best way to honor our children who have passed on.
Let us know how you decide to spend the day. Take care.
Laura

Hi everyone and a special hallo to Wendy - I'm so sorry to welcome you to this group - it's one no-one wants to join. But since we are here I have to say that the girls here are a wonderful bunch.
I'm so sorry to learn of your son's passing - you are, like many here, in the earliest stages of this terrible grief journey we have unwillingly found ourselves on.

My name is Gail - my beautiful daughter Meshael died in June 2001 - she was two days off her 15th birthday. And every year we hold a celebration of life party for her - it is a wonderful way to remember her and we usually do a balloon release at dusk which is quite beautiful. It is not crazy to want to celebrate our children's lives - so go ahead and do what you think HE would have wanted you to do.

My love, this is one of the most difficult and complicated and painful situations anyone ever finds themself in. Please feel comfortable enough to write in, rant and rave, cry and scream or when the time is right - smile with us. There will always be an reply - maybe not an answer, we are all still looking for those. More than that know that we all understand. Take care Gail xx

I thank you, for being here.. I try to talk to my sisters, but i don't think they realy know what to say, I talk about Scottie and they just nod, I tell my childeren that they can still talk to him, i do it every day. He may not be here in person but i believe his spirit is still around us and he knows everything that is going on. I was my friend and medium who directed me to this site, she is wonderful to talk to but as she says no one can know how you feel except for another parent. But that is was hard to come by in the small town that i live in and the support groups are all at least an Hour and half away. Which i have attended a few, but it just did hit home. I cry everday at least once and it does feel better to do that, but when people ask you what is wrong you just want to SMACK them. I have learn not ask my other children what is bothering them and i just huge them when they look down. I just can't get in the mood for the holidays i just don't want to be here. I just want to skip it. again thank you for leasoning.

Hi Wendy - Loads of hugs to you !!!
Many Many wonderful people here - who feel your pain and support you !

It's me again, just venting a little today, We had or annual Holloween parade last night and i wanted to do was get the kids out of the house to have a little fun. Well no one wanted to go so i just took me and my 3year old. And he was all right for about the 10 minutes then he wanted to give the candy back and go home. Our local McDonalds was giveing out pop corn balls and he didn't even want to go there. I know everyone is depressed and nothing seem right to them. But if i get anymore depressed im going to scream. Holloween was always fun Scottie loved it and i tryed to remind them of that and he would defently want his brothers to scare the pee right out of someone. Thats what he liked to do scare people. we always tryed to get him back, we were just not as good as he was sneeking up on people. I mean if i can't get my kids through Holloween how in the Hell am i going to get them through thanksgiving , chrismas, his birthday and all the rest. just ventig,, Any advise .. Keeping the faith Wendy

Wendy, sometimes it is difficult to get other people to do things 'as normal' simply because it isn't 'normal' anymore - not for you and not for them either. Honestly speaking, if the others had wanted to go - it still wouldn't have been the same without Scottie. (((Hugs))) I would suggest that you get the kids together and figure out how you can all 'celebrate' in a different way - maybe a special pumpkin lantern specially for Scottie?? I guess most 3 year olds don't have too much of a concept of halloween yet but by next year I'm quite sure he'll be right in the thick of it. I don't know how old your other kids are but I'm sure they can come up with some bright ideas and make halloween special again - in a different way that is less painful for them and ultimately, you.
The 'first' of all anniversaries are just the hardest - it is so hard to deal with everyone elses happiness and excitement when your heart is breaking and you just want to run away and hide. The good news is, time really does help to change all that, Just take one step at a time - I know that's what I always say haha but it really is true. Let me know how you get on anyway hun xx

The Gap


The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not
is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one whose children are well
and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost
children have absorbed, what they bear. Our children now come to us
through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every
bowl of breakfast cereal, every kid on a scooter. We seek contact
with their atoms - their hairbrushes, toothbrushes, their clothing.
We reach out for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our
lives, now torn and shredded. A black hole has been blown through
our souls and, indeed,it often does not allow the light to escape.
It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply
and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our
loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our
children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will
change us, profoundly. At some point, in the distant future, the
edges of that hole will have tempered and softened, but the empty
space will remain--a life sentence.

Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We
grieve for our children in part, through talking about them, and our
feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us; others cannot
and, through their denial, add a further measure, however unwitting,
to an already heavy burden.. Assuming that we may be feeling
"better" 6 months later is simply "to not get it". The excruciating
and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically
sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a
trap--those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for
whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity
and capacity. And yet, somehow, there are those, each in their own
fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our
immeasurable comfort. They have understood, again each in their own
way, that our children remain our children through our memory of
them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our
feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life.
Deny their life and you have no place in ours.

We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is
often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are
painful, and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that
accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it
its own voice, we fear we would become truly unreachable and so we
remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our
energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings, we
would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet
we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are
our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will
change us as does every experience-- and extreme experience changes
one extremely. We know we will have actually managed to survive
when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We
do not know who we will be at that point nor who will still be with
us.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved
parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk
losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such
events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not
know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both
sides of the gap.

Thank you, Gail. What I feel everyday but could not put into words is written in The Gap. I will forward this to family and friends who can't seem to grasp the enormity of my loss and why I choose to isolate myself from them.
(((((HUGS))))) for your thoughtfulness!
Laura

Hi Everyone - Love to you all !

Thank you, Karen...a bright spot in an otherwise grey day!

Wendy, the holidays are a ruff time of year for us all. All I can tell you is to take it one small step at a time. Unfortunately the holiday season is coming whether we want it to or not. Our daughter has been gone 9 yrs and I can tell you that it will get better. But it takes lots of time. Hang in there. You and your family are in my prayers. God Bless

hey everyone im been off the chain for awhile but have truely missed this group alot god bless everyone and if anyone would like to talk or update me i would like that my daughters bd and one of my sons is comeing dec6 rage,pain,grief,tears you know the game its bad for all of us this time of year

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You have a long month ahead of you. I have a lot of trouble handling my daughters B'day and her angel day. The holidays will be so hard for you. Please know that it will get better. Maybe softer is a better word in time. But it takes a lot of time. I am praying for you and your family. God Bless

Robert, Im thinking about you and i will send a prayer your way. I live in a very small town and not may people can relate to what my family and i are going through with the loss of your oldest son. We have had to travel for grief support groups and it is not always easy. So i became bestfriends with the little library that we have in our town. The best book for this time in my life when no one seems to understand. is Chicken soup for the grieving Soul. People i can relate to and can relate to me. When some one asks who i'll doing i tell them to read it and then they will know. Keep the faith, love and hugs.

im in the hospital for respatory failure and its sucks its the same one my kids came to that horrible nigjht everyone here knows me and they all want to tell me how they know what ive been through aint that a freakin laugh i respectfully smile and tell them thanks when what i want to do is scream you dont know shit and go to hell for thinking you could possibly even begin to understand what you are saying .how do u deal with that you havent been through cansomeone tell me a better way of coping there is to much more anger inside the way i am doing it and even if u have never lisened to rap yall all need to look up Haystak on myxer or your music site and find a song called (sail on) i challenenge each one of you to listen to this song and give me your feed back

Hi Robert - how have you been?? I hope fully recovered from the stroke you had and enjoying life with your little daughter? All the holidays coming up are extremely difficult for everyone but I think especially for you. I cannot imagine the pain of losing three little ones and can only send a huge cyber hug for you and your family. I hope that you are getting some kind of support in your community - I know you are in a very small town so maybe that is proving difficult. I can only echo what I have told many people over the years - and that is to celebrate the lives of those darling children on their birthdays - make it a family event if you can, do a balloon release or light a candle but do something if you can, it really does help to be able to do something real for the ones we have lost. Stay in touch with the group too - hopefully you will gain a little strength listening to how others deal with the holidays and those special days. We are all walking the same road - some of us are further along than others - I can echo Katherine's words that time softens the pain. Until then, we have each other. Take care and let us know how you are
God bless
Gail

Wendy - Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul is a wonderful book and I found it really helped me to come to terms with my own feelings seeing them in print in someone elses words. I'm glad you are finding some comfort in its covers too.
Hope you are well - thinking of you often
hugs
Gail x

Robert - your anger is well founded - but just for now try to concentrate on getting better and out of that hospital. It makes me mad to hear people say that they know what we've been through, what might be a well meant comment actually has some crushing effect that only we can feel. I think that what they should really be saying is 'how the hell do you muster up the strength to carry on?'. Even speaking as someone who has lost a child - I could never imagine what you have been through nor how you are coping with everyday life. I listened to your track - and I can understand how much you identify with the words. All I can really say is that your daughter is really going to need her Daddy, so just put all that anger into getting well - have you had any kind of counselling? If not, please try to get some while you're in the hospital it will help some.
Take care Robert - be strong for the ones who need you most. Gail

Robert I hope you are feeling better. When do u get out of the hospital? Even though I have lost a daughter I can't imagine your pain. I just wanted to let you know that we are all pulling for you and your family. Get Well Soon. I will keep you in my thoughts, heart and prayers. God Bless you

GOD BLESS THE GRIEVING MOTHER

God Bless the grieving mother when January snowflakes fall,
Winter seems sort of frozen in time, like a clock inside a wall.

God Bless the grieving mother in February as it's a month to show love.
But to a mother who has lost a child, I wonder what happened to her love.
God Bless the grieving mother when March winds start to blow,
it reminds her of that awful day.
That she got that awful call,
that made her feel like a brick
Being thrown against a wall.

God Bless the grieving mother as April rains come down.
It makes me think of how the good LORD felt,
When JESUS wore that thorny crown.

God Bless the grieving mother in May as flowers bloom,
For all a grieving mother has left is a bed within an empty room

God Bless the grieving mother in June as summer starts,
It brings back memories that she holds so close to her heart,
Of times they spent together going to the park.

God Bless the grieving mother as the hot July sun beats down,
She knows her Childs in Heaven by now.
But this life she now has sure is getting her down.

God Bless the grieving mother as August comes to town.
Remembering the time her own heart,
nearly took her down.

God Bless the grieving mother, as September brings on fall,
And all the time she spent at games, watching her child play ball.

God Bless the grieving mother as October brings on Indian summer
As she remembers the times her child was with his or her mother.

God Bless the grieving mother in November as we all share in
Thanksgiving
I wonder how by this time
This poor mother is even living.

God Bless the grieving mother in December at Christmas time
As her heart is already broken,
From not hearing a single word
That her lost child has not spoken,

I wonder as the days turn into months,
And then turn into years, if that grieving mother,
Ever learns to stop shedding those sorrowful tears?
So stop and think about it, the next time you see one cry
or hear her say, "I've Lost It All."
Please take her hand, just try to understand,
She just misses her child that's all.

Cheryl Young
(c) September 14, 2005

everybody ehis is my new baby girl

Robert - what a little beauty - such beautiful eyes. What is her name? You must be so proud.

her name is bre'anna necole tinsley and I also have a set of twiins on the way due june 30!!!!!!!

She is a beauty. With eyes like that you will need to stand guard when she gets older!! :) Congratulations as well on the twins.

Robert she is so gorgeous !!!

Beautiful name for a beautiful little cherub and congratulations on the twins! You will both have your hands full haha!!

Thank you for the poem. It was just the pick me up I needed today.

Love & Thanks to all of our Veterans - Everyday.... Not just one day.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Fathers in Grief, a Paradox for Today's Male

The loss of your child can be crippling and leaves deep scars, it changes who we are and how we look at life and how we relate with the world. Five or six years out is still early in the spectrum of child loss but close to the point where positive rebuilding can begin. One thing that I have discovered that helps pull you out of the canyon of despair is compassion for others, it is giving that we receive and in healing that we are healed. In the first few years it is hard to even help yourself much less others and we mechanically maintain, weep a lot and lick our wounds while clinging desperately to everything of our child and in secret wish to join them. We rejoin the real world at our own time and it happens when it right for us. Every ones journey is different, but what remains the same is the huge void that is left in our lives. How we fill it is up to us. I believe we need to fill it with something positive for others that creates a legacy of good in our child's name. We now become their legacy and we substantiate our child's life by the way we live ours. In our "modern day" society it is especially difficult for fathers to grieve openly, caught in a catch 22 of how to express the deep pain we our experiencing. Men don't cry, men do not emote, men do not hug (maybe at the funeral) men don't go to support groups, men don't call in sick because they are screaming inside, we are the man of the family. Fathers are the fix it guys, the protector, the strength and the rock the family needs for support. More times than not people will ask a father" how is your wife doing? This must be hard extremely for her". The modern male is now given (by women and therapists) license to show emotions, to cry, scream, hug and express their deepest emotions and fears, to let it out. The Irony of this is if he does emote and the family has never seen this behavior, it is taken as a sign of weakness and the spouse and other family members feel they have lost their safety net, their rock of support, and feel even more helpless and rudderless on this journey of pain. If this happens he may again 'clam up' to help with his family and deal with his own pain later. He finds that 'letting it out' is an axiom of sophistry and in doing so he feels he is letting his family down. Indeed a paradox for the wanna-be sensitive Dad. Most men cry alone in their cars on the way to work and they explain that the red eyes are due to allergies, or a late night. When my father died when I was age 14, my Mom told me I was the man of the family now, I did not cry, I did not grieve. It was not until years later and my losses became overwhelming did I finally let it out and express my emotions for the loss of my father. It has been 16 years now since Kelly died and I still cry with my wife when we feel our loss together or even when I hear a special song like' Wind beneath my Wings' and I do not care who is present, you love hard you grieve hard and it is supposed to hurt. When you recognize your own pain and express it, you automatically become more empathetic to others in similar pain and can help relieve theirs. Hell, now I cry at Hallmark Card commercials, I can't help it. When people tell us to find closure, or move on and don't dwell on it. We can, but not how they think we should. We find closure in what will never be, let go of the what ifs, the shoulda -woulda -couldas and move on with the knowledge that our children are forever by our side, only in a new relationship. We live in one sphere of existence, our loved one who has died in another, but with faith, undying love and the desire we can connect at the seam where our two worlds meet. Love never dies. In America we are allowed a few weeks to "get over it" and get back on track. The dead are wrapped up neatly so to speak and put away and their names unspoken. I find this totally unacceptable, it has been almost 16 years and I still talk about Kelly everyday and always will. We will always be bereaved parents but we will not always be experiencing the pangs of grief. Like arthritis we learn to live with it the rest of our lives, and also realize we shall still have flare ups of pain and discomfort as we move on through the years.
"TELLING ONES SORROW OFTEN BRINGS COMFORT"
-Pierre Corneille (circa 1640)

Its amazing that you manage to bring the right information at the right time. Our church celebrated Veteran's Day with our Vets here in town. This is the first year that I and my husband both attended. Our daughter (a Navy Vet) was being honored. It was hard to attend since our youngest son was not able to be at his sister's side. It would have made him very proud of her. Any way, sorry for rambling. The point is my husband and several of the guys there were trying to "hold back" or "be men". I shared this story with them at our table. They all looked relieved and said finally someone who understands. God bless you for your words of wisdom.

Just wanted to share with everyone that Angela (my daughter) continues to watch over me which tells me she is watching over all of us...

Yesterday I scheduled a service appointment to have the air ducts cleaned in the house. I was hesitant to do this with Chuck (my husband)not being here (me being alone) but I felt it was best to get it done while he was being taken care of in the hospital. (I guess I do watch too much CSI and Law and Order!)

When they called to say they were on their way I said a little prayer for my safety. Imagine my surprise when I met them on the sidewalk and thinking to myself "this guy looks familiar". He looked at me and said "you're Angela's mom, I was at her service, we went to school together". We both cried briefly then moved on to the business at hand.

Coincidence? I don't think so...it was Angela's way of taking care of me.

When I least expect it I find her close by, watching over me.



Written November 14, 2009 as Abel (Angela’s high school friend) was cleaning the air ducts!