September 10th, my birthday. I should be thinking of celebrating it with my family. But all I can think about is not having our daughter Irene here with us. I never worried about getting old when Irene was alive. I knew she would take care of us in our old age. But now........ I'm thinking it will be just another year gone, when I can see her again.

Each of you have been on my heart this last few days. I just wanted you all to know that you have been in my prayers and I am sending each of you GIANT Cyber hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(((( HUGS )))) to all of you ---

Please Note--- I added a STUPID things that people say - vent area---- on the Discussion Forum area...

There is this place inside me, possibly in my heart that cannot accept Angela is gone. My mind races with the question of how to move forward…not away from her but towards her. While I don’t long for death I do know that my death will allow me to be with her once again. But until that time how do I get through each day? So many reminders and memories of Angela wherever I go…
I feel a sense of love for her that continues to build up inside and because she is no longer of this earth, how do I physically express this love to her? I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her, how much I need her with me.
I know most of you know what I’m talking about I’m just not sure if I have expressed myself in a way that clearly conveys my thoughts.

Thanks for the hugs, Ann!

I use to welcome a new day - Now I welcome the end.
I use to smile and laugh the day away - Now I just want to disappear.
I use to be able to touch your sweet face - now I mourn you.
I use to enjoy life - now I pretend to live.

Another Monday

I don’t know what to do anymore for I no longer live I just exist.
Familiar feelings are there no more, like they just got up and walked out the door.

Joy and happiness are strangers now; numbness and sadness are all I know.
Forward is an awkward pace and sitting still is all I face.

Can someone please tell me how to live again without the pain,
Of having lost a precious child yet keeping her memory alive?

I want to laugh and stop all the crying when I think of you.
Death changes so much and nothing will ever again be the same.

Laura, I relate to all you say so very much ! I feel you pain as I feel my own. ((( HUGS )))

What has kept me going all these years is the knowledge that my daughter would not want my life to end - metophorically or physically. So, everything I set out to do now, I do for her. Before I start any new venture I ask for Meshael's guidance and support. I talk to her out loud whilst walking the dogs (when no-ones around LOL) and to her picture at the side of my bed. Am I crazy?? Perhaps, just a tad, but then who wouldn't be after the loss of a child? But does it help? - yes it does.
I have so much faith that we will meet again and I know I must be patient - there are still lessons here for me learn but one day, I will hold my baby in my arms forever. Until that time I have to remain content with the knowledge that she is only a whisper away.
For everyone who is new to this grief - my words might sound strange and unfamiliar. But it is my coping mechanism and in time you will all learn your own. How to slip on that mask we are forced to wear and smile and carry on - not with life as we knew it but with life as it is.
Sending my love and hugs to you all
Gail xx

Hi Gail,
While I can get through each day my biggest hurdle is this voice in my head that reminds me she is gone! I do talk to my daughter everyday, several times a day! Most people have always thought I was a bit crazy but hey, that's just who I am...I know I will never be that person again I'm just having trouble trying to find the me that I am supposed to be! We have never had a death of this magnitude in our family so everyone is not who they once were...we have all been redefined.

I don't know if this makes much sense but it's the only thing I feel right now...thank you so much for sharing your coping mechanisms with me/us. Any bit of insight from others grieving the loss of a child is greatly appreciated.

Hugs to both you and Karen...my wishes and prayers for all of us here is to find just a bit more peace in our hearts with each passing day.

Laura - hi hun!! Everything you are experiencing is 'normal' for us - just remember that the grief process isn't to be rushed. 'Acceptance' that our children have died is perhaps one of the last stages and the beginning of a healing process. I use all these words in inverted commas - there are no words I can think of which truly describe the feelings/emotions we have to try to overcome.
The 'new you' doesn't appear overnight - she takes a long time to come through and find her feet. She will find her destiny with inspiration from her Angel. Some of us are still struggling years on - some of us can find a strength we did not know existed and fight our way out of the darkness. But it all takes so long and we are impatient with ourselves. You will get sick of me telling you this I'm sure :o) but just take one day at a time and slowly you will find your own way to survive.

Grief and Hurricanes

When hurricane Andrew swept onto South Florida 7 years ago, it destroyed homes, wiped out neighborhoods, took some lives and some futures, wiped out businesses and left Dade county looking like a war zone. One of the things that hurt to look at was the trees...those that had not been uprooted, torn apart or blown away were completely defoliated. There were naked skeletons of trees upon our barren landscape...an area that is, despite its metropolitan design and large population, usually tropical green and lush with foliage now seemed to be nothing but broken concrete and shattered glass. Even the tree trunks wore that dead gray look that offered no color, nor comfort.

But a funny thing happened. Even as the trees began to "come back" and we realized it would literally take years for the damaged areas to return to the lush green we had grown accustomed to, we knew it would never again be the same in dade County. Even as the broken skeletons of tree trunks took on a fuzzy caterpillar look as foliage came out in places it didn't used to, and even as the sun broke through in places that had always been in shade before, something new took place. That winter, there was an abundance of wild flowers....beautiful bright flowers covered the ground in places that even grass would not grow before. Experts were amazed, as flowers that had not grown here for generations suddenly bloomed in abundance..and flowers that had always bloomed here suddenly were everywhere..everywhere! Apparently the stripped trees had allowed sunlight into places that it had not touched for so long....even touching on dormant seeds that had lain in the dirt for years. Salt water that had drenched the inland soil had damaged roots and leaves of existing plants, but fresh rains had rinsed it and left nutrients behind that the soil had been without. Nutrients these little flowers had needed to grow.

I was thinking about this, and remembering...and it struck me that grief is like that. As we look at the devastation left behind by our losses, we realize it will never be the same again. As we feel emptied out and stripped of the hopes and dreams we had held on to, we find ourselves laid bare to the elements..exposed in a way we have not been before. But just like the aftermath of a hurricane, as we struggle to pick up the pieces and resume some sort of life....a different life....we find flowers. Flowers we may never have seen if the horrible storm had not entered into our lives. Flowers like friends who we may never otherwise have known, tenderness for suffering we may never have been sensitive to, appreciation for life, love and the blessings we used to take for granted.

There is nothing in this world that could make me want to experience another hurricane. There is nothing that will ever make it alright to me to have lost a baby.... not once, not five times. But I do know that there are things I can be thankful for in the aftermath. And tho I love the shade, I also love the flowers that the sun brings up.

by Gwen Flowers

~reprinted from Always Loved - Never Forgotten

Gail,
Thank you for the gentle reminder that grief is not to be rushed. And you are right about acceptance...
I will never get tired of hearing any words that are intended to help with the process of living after the death of a child.
~Laura

Gentle Widsom
Gentle Wisdom comes from learning.
Oh we learn more each day.
When people ask how we cope with our loss,
our wisdom echoes in what we say.

It wasn't very long ago when
I heard one woman say to another.
"How do you cope with such a tragic loss"?
Tears then stained the cheeks of the mother.

At first she didn't answer the woman.
For she stood there and cried.
"Oh I know this is killing you," the woman said,
"but in time the pain will subside."

The mother didn't respond to the question.
She wanted to scream out in grief.
Time could never heal her broken heart.
Time can never give her relief.

Yes, we learn from the wisdom of others;
In time the pain will surely heal.
But to this day the pain hasn't gone away.
So how can anyone know how she feels?

Once a mother heard the words;
"Your child is in a better place".
Is this wisdom to make her feel better?
Will it wipe tears from her face?

Words of emotion shared from others
make a mother ask the reason why?
When someone tells a heartbroken mother...
"Oh your child wouldn't want you to cry."

Then, there's the mother who lost her baby
before the child took it's first breath.
There is a void in the heart of any mother
when her child's eyes close in death.

And, when someone foolishly tells her,
"Oh it's much better this way."
That mother's heart is broken all over again.
By the words of "wisdom" that others say.

How many times must that mother
feel death's excruciating pain?
Words to ease her misery & heartaches
should be words easy to explain.

Yes, a mother who feels the empty arms
has a heavy burden to bear.
But what she learns through her tears...
Gentle wisdom allows her to share!

~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux
Copyright 2000
Dedicated to the Mothers who have Gentle Wisdom

Where do I start? I lost my daughter on Sept 2, of this year, or should I say I lost myself then too. I have to remind myself each day to get out of bed, then to put one foot in front of the other, and then the next task . I too long for Heaven more so now. I have 3 more children here on earth with me, and I know they need me, I know Brittany is safe in Gods hands and doesnt really need me anymore, yet I feel now that one arm is being stretched towards Heaven and one is being stretched towards earth. I no longer know where I belong. Or at least I no longer feel where I belong. I want to be in both places.

When I joined the online grief support group site was a month ago, I lost my Granny and she was 90 , almost a month later to the day, I lost my daughter who was 19.

Tracie, my heart goes out to you. My only child was killed on Memorial Day of this year...she was 33 years old. Like you, I have been lost and I don't know if I will ever be found. I want so much to be with her and yet know that will only happen when God says it will happen.
I do believe Brittany will need you now, more than ever. I know my daughter does...we are working on memorials for her; and I have also had to have wrong information corrected on her death certificate and the accident report. Though she was married her husband has been shattered by her tragic death and some things went unnoticed. I will always speak for my daughter...
Take care; sending cyber hugs to you and your children.
Laura

I joined this group because I lost my eldest son on November 27 th, of 2005!!! He was only 18 years old, for crying out loud!!! I was living with my parents @ that time, & I awoke to them screaming for me, apparently they were trying to get my son Andrew to wake up because he was not breathing, face first on the living room floor, so naturally I tried to help them too, but nada would work, so I called 911 & the operator wanted me to turn him over & perform CPR on him, but he was way too heavy for me, or my parents to turn him over, so luckily, I lived on a street that had a fire department right on the corner, so it only took moments for them to get here to try to save my sons life, but they tried in vain, they pronounced him dead right there on my parents living room floor!!! So to make a long story short, he passed away in his sleep due to a seizure!!! He did have epilepsy, but as I look back on it now, I feel like I failed him because I feel like if I had known that he was that sick, I would of taken better care of him!!! THe neurologist is the one who I really blame for my sons death because he didn't do enough for my son!!! Not long after my son passed away, his neurologist left town, so that seems a bit fishy to me!!! Anyways, Not only did I loose my eldest son, who was my best friend, I also lost my beloved mother who passed away on June 25 th, of 2008!!! So please tell me how I am supposed to go on without the two most important people who meant everything to me??? I feel sooo lost without them...

Tracie and Melissa - firstly my heart goes out to both of you - one at the start of this miserable journey, the other years down the line and still struggling to cope with the intense grief of losing a child.
I am so sorry you have to join this group - no-one would ever want to be a member of. But since we are here - I hope that we can help you both with the terrible feelings you are going through.

Tracie - my love you are still in the very first stages of this miserable existance we now find ourselves in. The next few months will be so difficult for you and I'm sure that there are many times when you will feel so desolate. Just remember that there are a wonderful group of people here who will be there for you every step you take. Never be afraid to ask for help and use this board to rant and rave at the world. We understand what you are feeling and hopefully will be able to understand some of the complex emotions you will go through.
Melissa - I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your son - sudden death is so hard to deal with and I can understand your feelings that you didn't do enough for him. But I would say that we tend to trust doctors and believe every word they say without question. You have to believe that you did all that was possible for your son - I had a lot of the same feelings when my daughter died in 2001 - so I really can understand where you are coming from.
I'm also sorry that both of you have also suffered other close family bereavements in such a short space of time - life must feel so difficult right now. I hope you can both find a little comfort here with people who really can understand what you are going through.
Hugs to you both
Gail x

hello special friends. we just had our special jewish new year. big feasts, family, stuff. but for me i was in such pain. i miss my jessy so much. she passed away 24 April last year (2008), at the age of 12. she had cerebral palsy.
to those of you moms who i read about what you could have done, if ever you have the patience to listen to my story, i will tell you how many things there were "wrong" with my perfect child. but i am beginning to understand that i am human and i did the very very best that i could for her, keeping her with me and looking after her for her 12 years here.

but i miss her, so so so sorely. i ache for her. i too, still have 3 children here, and i feel exactly as some of you have described, torn between them here and jessy in heaven, also like i dont know where i belong, wanting so to be in BOTH places. for now, i have to be here, and its hard, so hard. yes, each day i am still battling. my main "symptom" of my grief i think, is tiredness. i battle against it every day, as i HAVE to do so much for the other kids, i feel like i am falling asleep all the time. i have been for medicals, doesnt seem to be an explanation for it, so my doc says its probably PTSD. sorry, dont know what my point is. just hurting. love jan.

Hi Janice - I'm so sorry you are feeling so down at this time of year, however it is particularly special occasions which bring so many sad memories and tears. I haven't read all your story but can appreciate how much time you spent around hospitals - my daughter died from a genetic disorder called Fanconi Anaemia and we spent so much time around hospitals and emergency rooms. Grief is a terrible journey to take - we have to go along at our own pace and stumble as we go. But we will get there together and sharing our thoughts, fears, memories and sadness goes some way towards understanding the new 'normality' we are faced with. Sorry to hear about your health problems - I hope that your doctor will advise some counselling sessions if you haven't already tried that route. I hope that the rest of your holiday season will pass quietly and that you will feel the love of your very special Angel all around you. Hugs Gail x

Melissa & Tracie -
So So So Sorry about your children. Sending you so much love, support, and understanding. ((( HUGS )))

thank you gail, for your most kind sharing, im so sorry about your daughter too, and thank you karen. i would like to share more about jessy, it would really help me. if it wouldnt be too much for you. gail, how old was your daughter?

Janice - Meshael was two days off her 15th birthday when she passed over - she was diagnosed with Fanconi Anaemia when she was 5 - the doctors told me not to expect her live past 11 so I think we were pretty lucky to get a few more years. I suppose knowing that you won't have infinity in front of you, you try to pack so much living into what time you have with your children. It doesn't make it any easier when that dreadful time comes though. I am fine to talk about Meshael and would love to hear more about Jessy - so please go ahead and share her, I love to get to know all our Angels ((hugzzz))

Janice, I so know what you mean about the fatigue...I too am experiencing it. I feel not only mentally fatigued , my brain can not even operate to do my daily tasks that I normally did without thinking. And my body, is ready to go back to bed as soon as I get up. It is undescribable almost. I dont even know how I would begin to tell a doctor how servere my tiredness is. Because just like when describing Heaven , to us there are really no earthly words that would begin to describe such a glorious place, thats how my mental and physical fatigue is now there are just no words to describe. I know I have to go on because a husband and 3 more children depend on me, ...but I almost feel like at times I JUST CANT GO ON. I just keep praying and trying to make it one day at a time, telling myself I am getting to one day closer to Heaven, where my family will be reunited.

Let me please say that My Heart truely goes out to all of you , and especially the ones who have lost children.

hi gail, ive never heard of fanconi anaemia. i am so sorry for your loss. i also havent heard the name meshael before, it is beautiful. so you know what its like, not only living in and out of hospitals, but KNOWING that your little angel is not going to be with you forever. i dont know how i lived with the constant fear that "today" might be the day that jessy dies. there were complications at birth and jessy suffered lack of oxygen, and she had cerebral palsy, along with many complications, that i never would have IMAGINED that accompanied her condition. no-one would have known when she was a baby, but it was sore. she had a bad seizure disorder, optic atrophy so she could only see a little, and chronic lung and pneumonia problems. the prognoses were awful. but through all the suffering and painful times, i focussed on love love love, and we built such a close and intense relationship of laughter and fun, and it was just amazing, i wish i could explain. what a love. and now she is gone. and i am so sad, so depressed. and i am so traumatised from living with the daily fear that her time might have come. i lived in fear, in love, in passion for her, in horror, in aching, in adoring. oh im sorry for rambling on..... thank you for listening. love jan

hi tracie. i dont wish this fatigue upon anyone, but i am relieved that SOMEone understands!! and yes, absolutely, you cant explain it. its almost as if you've taken an entire pharmacy of drugs, but you havent. but nothing, NOTHING, can keep your eyes open. so what do you do when you just HAVE to sleep, what about the other kids?

Hi Janice - I can so understand everything you say and I'm so sorry that your little Jessy had so many problems. I know only too well that dread of opening the bedroom door in the mornings for fear of what might have happened. I found that after Meshael died I was left with such a huge hole in my life - everything had been for her. I don't have other children and I separated from her Dad when she was 18 months old. We had such a close and wonderfully loving relationship and I'd spent many hours pouring over medical journals, talking to other families, forming a parent group and organising meetings.... suddenly there was nothing left for me to do. As well as the shock and despair of losing her I also felt there was no reason for me to be here. Fortunately, I started talking to another Mum who lost her son just 6 months before Meshael died. It was such a relief to be able to pour my heart out and be understood.
I went back to work as soon as I was able and found that the routine of the office helped considerably, it was going home that was the problem - I didn't want to be there but had nowhere else to go. In the end, one of my very good friends persuaded me to get a new puppy - that gave me a reason to come home and gradually bit by bit, step by step and day by day I found a new purpose. i kept on with the family group for a while but recently found it too much to deal with so have opted out, at least for now. I also took all my learned experience and became a foster carer - which helped me to feel useful and needed again. I now have a wonderful new daughter - whilst she will never replace what I have lost, she goes a long way to making my life worthwhile again.
We have to reinvent ourselves - nothing that was normal to us is there anymore, we have to find a way to find a new normal. No easy task but not an impossible one.
I think one of the hardest things to see is how everyone carries on with their lives as if nothing has happened - you want to scream at people 'hey, don't you know I lost my child?' As much as they have to understand us - we have to understand them too, they don't have any idea of how we are feeling.
I do believe in after-life. I do believe that our Angels are around us always and this faith keeps me going because I know that, when it is my time to leave, all those I have lost will be waiting for me.
Meshael means the Eternal Light - so I cannot believe that death has extinguished that beautiful flame forever.
Be gentle with yourself Janice, you've done all you could to make sure that Jessy had the most wonderful life imaginable whilst she was here - and her love for you will shine through those dark clouds and comfort you when you need it most.
Sending you a billion hugs
Gail x

Janice and Tracie - the fatigue you are feeling is part of the grief, which is an actual physical pain. It's also part of the depression you are so understandably going through right now. Try some healing herbal remedies before you start heading towards the antidepressants - St Johns Wort can help, I don't know if you have any natural health practioners where you live - but they can prescribe a herbal tonic which can really help to 'liven you up'.
I did use antidepressants for a while and they did help to take the edge off but they are not good long term.
Have a word with your doctor - hope this helps
Gail x

I've found I needed to be on an antidepressant and it has helped me a lot. I was having trouble with just the thought of being here and my daughter wasn't. Knew I needed help and I found some.

I use to welcome a new day - Now I welcome the end.
I use to smile and laugh the day away - Now I just want to disappear.
I use to be able to touch your sweet face - now I mourn you.
I use to have alot of faith - now I question it all.
I use to enjoy life - now I pretend to live.

I got this email this morning from a friend of mine - she said that it was something she had been trying to put into words for the last seven years, not sure who the author is, but boy have they got it right..........

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world, that your beloved child died.. Let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.. never hearing them say “I love you”…nothing - just silence, emptiness. Now imagine never seeing your child’s smile, never seeing her upset or happy, never watching her sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7, you smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at her pictures and can only cry - what happened, why!?.. You have never felt longing like this in your life! longing to hear her voice, to see her face again,…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix it. Now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. every thing you loved now hurts like hell…
For example: music, I used to love music, it gave me pleasure, i didn’t realize how much music was a part of my life and how it is everywhere, now I cannot listen to it, it sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open.. like the old song, The Day the Music Died, that’s me... and believe it or not, almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child, I am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know.That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example! you feel the loss with every thought, every emotion, The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. even with your other children, you still love your other children just as much as always, but as hard as it is, even they hurt you now, because when you see them you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died not being with their siblings. it doesn't’ fit, there is a piece missing, your whole life doesn't’t fit anymore. everything that felt right, now feels wrong. and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control missing…
As good parents we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, cannot make it better. so on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helpless..out of control and hopeless…and this is universal, every parent that truly loves their child will feel this. are you starting to imagine now how it feels? and you are doing this exercise for 10 minutes, imagine, really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 -
Day after day, month after month, and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to, a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind. your child when she was a baby, a laughing happy little girl, a cute young teen, a wonderful young man or women and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life…but that is a fear you have, that as time passes you will start to forget…so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions. this is what it really feels like. a part of you has died, don’t just read the words, FEEL them - died, gone forever… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living, left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!
A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss, with other losses you grieve and you are of course sad, but when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist, gone just like that, gone no warning, just gone.
And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are - are Gone!!!That is why when parents who have lost children hear “I want the old you back”, “it’s been a year (a month, 6 month-whatever), don’t you feel better yet?” “You are doing this to yourself, you’re making it harder on yourself”, “grief can become a selfish thing you know”, we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive.
No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on. So were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain, i would not wish it any anyone, but did you get a sense of how Life changing it is?
Imagine you feel this 24/7, not even getting a moments relief from it! now go on and put on your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music..go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch her smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that i am holding onto this, or that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven’t lost a beloved child of yours, you haven’t got a clue.
Now when you hear these words “the presence of her absence is everywhere”, will you finally understand

Gail, as I read through your posting it brought to mind what several friends/family members have told me:

When I try to imagine what you are going through I just can't...losing a child is simply unimaginable!


They don't pretend to know...they just say that when they try to imagine losing their child through death their mind will not allow them to go there! It's just not part of the natural process of life...

Every word written in your posting is absolutely true but only a grieving parent can confirm this...those who have not lost a child just cannot imagine this pain and sorrow that changes us forever.

Thanks so much for sharing...
Laura

In life there are moments
when you miss someone
so much, That you wish you
could grab them out of your
dreams and hold them tight

Missing My Jake
"Leukaemia Sux!" www.caringbridge.org/me/jacob

hi gail, thank you for the most beautiful words. you are a very special person, and very strong and brave. definately your Mishael lives on in the world of our angels, and we will definately re-unite with them. before jessy died i used to just "believe" in this, but now i KNOW there's an afterlife. i cannot begin to tell you how much ENERGY jessy "was", she was just so vibrant and alive, that energy is still there.
as for fostering a daughter, wow, that is amazing, really amazing, and i have such admiration for you.
are you still in contact with your ex? how did he take to mishael's passing?
and i didnt ask you, WHEN did mishael pass on? how long has it been?

and thanx gail for the word about the herbal stuff. hows funny is this.... yesterday i went to the pharmacy, and got some "stay awake" tablets - pure caffeine concentrate. it knocked me out flat for 4 hours!! ha ha! i spoke to my doc. he said because i have a thyroid issue, underactive, caffeine will have the opposite effect on me. great!

karen, i know. i know. me too. tight hugs

that's the truth of it, the presence of her absence is everywhere. thank you for sharing

Even though you feel the presence of her absence, Do you also feel her presence at times. I know yall probably think I am crazy, but...at times I often can feel my daughters presence.

You are not crazy - I believe very strongly that our Angels are around us always. Somehow, they are able to send us messages of love. These messages can come in many shapes and forms. Shortly after Meshael died I was sorting out some hair bobbles and slides to give to another friends' little girl. Of course as I was opening the drawer and smelling her scent and touching her belongings I started to sob. I remember looking up and asking Meshael if it was OK to give her things to Sian. With that, I put my hand in the drawer to get the little box and right underneath it was a photo - of Meshael with Sian. I sat down with a bit of a bump and figured wow! What a coincidence but as I sat, my hand landed on something on the bed. Right there was a badge Meshael had made for me when she was in nursery - hand made and painted with the words 'I love my Mummy'. I don't know where it came from and hadn't seen it for years, it wasn't there when I went in the room. I keep that badge in my purse always now - I think it was probably the first Angel sign I really noticed and there have been many, many more.
I thought I was crazy at first but, after talking to many other Angel Mums, I can see that this is actually quite normal.
However, I would say I know that there are a lot of people out there who run to see mediums and ask for news of the children. This is a double edged sword - firstly, you might not get a reading and secondly, sadly there are a lot of wicked people out there who will do anything to make a penny out of your grief. Contact with our Angel is not meant to be a telephone-line connection - our Angels contact us when we need them the most.
Hugz Gail xx

Hey Janice and thank you so much for your lovely words - thouh I don't feel I deserve them since I was neither strong nor brave in the beginning. Meshael died in June 2001 - two days before her 15th birthday. It took me a while to find my ex, since we had completely lost contact, however he wept and wailed when he heard the news, then a couple of weeks later called me to ask for a copy of her death certificate since his company would pay out compensation for his loss. Needless to say, that was the last time we spoke!!

I'm so glad that you 'believe' - like you I used to give lip-service to other believers and quietly thinking that perhaps they had lost their marbles! However, since Meshael passed I have had so much confirmation that she is around me and that has helped so much.
I was also blessed to have a message from Meshael from one of our most famous mediums over here (Colin Fry who is our equivalent to John Edwards). I got all my strength from that message and just feel that Meshael inspires me to do much of the stuff I do now - fostering etc.
It is still very early days for you sweetie - but I am sure that you will be getting the same kind of encouragement from your Jessy. From what I've seen - children with terminal illness are very 'aware' in life I wonder if this carries on in the afterworld?
I have a copy of my reading with Colin Fry on Youtube if anyone would like to see it - type in Angel in the Window on search.
Hugz always
Gail x

Four Months

don’t know where to go
don’t know what to do
every day, every night
I just think of you

four months to the day
is how long you’ve been gone
it makes no sense, still hurts like hell
and life has lost its fun

tell me how to live again
tell me why you left
its not supposed to be this way
a senseless, tragic death

one day I will be with you
in heaven as on earth
until that time my little one
my heart cries out with hurt



Written September 25, 2009
Laura Villarreal

ABSOLUTELY!! our angels' presence is with us all the time. i feel jessy's presence with me all the time. sometimes signs. and sometimes just an exceptionally strong presence xxx

hi gail, thanks for sharing with me, it helps so much, and my heart also feels so much for you. you are so fortunate to have received that confirmation from a medium.
as for your ex, ha ha, they are SO disgusting!! you know what mine did? he had visitation rights to come and see jessy 3 times a week. he never came to see her at all. when she died he sobbed and the rest of it. he immediately reduced the maintenance and tells the lawyer now there are only 3 kids cos jessy died. i just cant believe them.

laura that is so beautiful, so sad, so painful, and so hopeful. feel the love that you can only know that we are all feeling the same way. take comfort from that. we walk this painful journey together. we will find ways to have some fun along the way, as our angels watch us walk our path. lots of love, jan

Jan - I'm so with you on that page!! You would have thought that no matter what had happened before, this would be the time you would unite with your ex partner in grief for the loss of their child - not worry about about how much money you could get. I never had a penny from mine in all the years I struggled to raise Meshael, keep a job going with all the medical appointments and keep house too.
Oh well, it made us stronger Jan and being strong is what is keeping us going - so maybe we should thank them haha!! I believe in karma anyway and I'm sure they'll pay in other ways.
Hugs
Gail

Today is a bad day. I'm like the weather, stormy, dark and gloomy. I am missing my little girl. my baby, my baby is gone. Never to be held again or hear her laughter or just talk to her. The pain in my heart is strong and heavy. The tears won't stop. I feel so alone right now.