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Comment by Ammy on January 16, 2013 at 11:34am

For those of you that see a little relief I am happy.  The other comments I know so well.  I have had days of relief that I thought the really hard part was over, but it always seems to return.  Today is Wednesday and I can never seem to start a Wednesday with out the memory of those police knocking on our door, and then I have lost most of what happened after that until the memorial service.  Two and a half years on the 14th and I can't seem to stop keeping track of the time.  Always counting the months and weeks.  Wish I could forget.  Feel like I have OCD as for the time.  I don't want to forget him, as it seems others are doing.  That hurt is almost as bad as the hurt of missing him so much.  I'm a mess today.  I am going to have to get distracted by something.  I am also feeling selfish that I NEED something, but I don't even know what that is.  Is there anything that really helps?  I have only found temporary relief from my faith, as I do believe that I will see my son again one day, but how long is that going to be?  It's not like planning a trip where you have a date set, an expectation. 

Sorry for my woe is me feeling today.  Just needed to empty my head a little.  Too many thoughts racing around this morning.

Sending hugs & blessings to all.  

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 16, 2013 at 1:06am

It has been much harder. I hate this.

Comment by susan joanette wilson on January 15, 2013 at 11:28pm

I am trying to move forward.  Iam gettig out of the apt more often. joined a gym that is all women helps me too. I have joined a couple groups one on trauma the other is conflict resolution. I have been visiting family I am doing victum impact I want to put their thoughts on it. Dereks death has been devastating for me. there are others a twin brother who is not going to be there.  the baby left behind. in the middle of this i had water issues was coming up through the floor. tomarrow they are taking out the old.

Comment by Sophia on January 15, 2013 at 7:36pm

Thanks Michelle & Rosie. It's funny,I feel a bond with you even though we've never met. Only we can understand how we feel & it helps just knowing this. No one else understands no matter what I say & it is very frustrating for me.
Again, thank you.

Comment by Michele Hayes on January 15, 2013 at 6:48pm

Congrats Sophia. What a blessing. Hopefully this job will be a good thing for you. As parents, our identities are so wrapped around our children that once they are gone, a part of us dies with them. I think it will be good for you to get a job and have something else that defines you. Not that you will EVER stop being a mom.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on January 15, 2013 at 6:11pm

Good News Sophia!  Sending you hugs.

Comment by Sophia on January 15, 2013 at 5:33pm

Hello to all of you. Just checking in & want to share some good news. I have a new job, which is the first job I've had since Jimmy died. It feels strange to be going back to a work schedule just as I had when Jimmy was alive. I found myself thinking how it is things like this which send me into a state of mind where I'm missing him so much more simply because I'm returning to doing something which I haven't done since he died. It is a great relief to have found this position and I know it will be good for my mental state to return to a work / sleep schedule.

I read all the comments about attending Compassionate Friends meetings and I have yet to attend although I want to. I was attending grief counseling which i had to discontinue due to low cash & no health insurance. Now that I'll have health ins. once more i was considering returning to the counselor but I have been meaning to attend a Compassionate friends meeting as well. It seems from what i read here that you all benefit from it.

Bless all of you.

Sophia

Comment by Michelle W on January 15, 2013 at 2:53am

Connie,
I'm so sorry for all the pain you feel. As parents we spend our whole lives dedicating our lives to our children, what they need , what they want and yes teaching them all the important thing that will keep them happy and safe ..,. Boom gone and we are left with emptiness ..... I use to discribe my children as I have one of each.., who needs more my daughter is the socialite and my son is the brain he's going to change the world...and my girl she will make you all laugh...my son yes a moms boy... Now I'm just all alone.., with a non social daughter who is just said all the time and me left to be all alone to be sad and regret every moment of that horrible day,,,, no to him you don't care dad said yes... He's not going to the foltball game please just stay home with mom tonight there will be other times to be social and share your school spirit ...,, oh ya it's too late ..,, I hope it gets easier for you as time goes on it seems to be getting harder...and I will always be hear to listen to you and give you support.....sometimes just a hug is all that works for me ... Very few and far between .., but they help so I understand... And hugs

Comment by DH on January 14, 2013 at 6:20pm

*Hugs Connie*  I know how it feels to go from a child that is your life to childless. "Mother" is such a huge part of who we are. People say to me, "You will always be his mom." He depended on me as mom. But I also depended on him as my only child. So when you say Daniel was your life, I know exactly what you mean.  

Comment by Karen R. on January 14, 2013 at 5:59pm

I know Connie....so sorry. Sorry any human has to experience this pain.

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