Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Betsy Arnold on January 29, 2012 at 2:57pm

You are definitely not alone in your feelings of insecurity along with grieving. I lost my husband 2 years ago...he was 43 and my rock. I am totally lost without him. I've always had a low self-esteem and insecurities, but they had gotten better. After he died, I have moved forward with life (as far as career goes) but I am even having insecurities there, too. Lately I've had more dreams about my husband, which only makes me miss him more. I am also afraid of losing others in my life...family, friends, etc. If people haven't been through it, they really don't understand fully. I know the feeling of feeling like a burden to others...been there, too. We somehow have to find the strength that can be there inside ourselves...and take it all one day at a time...one step at a time...one second at a time...whatever it takes to keep moving and living without our loves ones. Hang in there, K.T. You aren't alone. We aren't alone.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Sutton on January 29, 2012 at 4:09pm

Hi KT. So it's been almost 9 months since I lost the only man who was ever truly here for me. I think that this time of year, we are so vulnerable because we probably were so worried about the holidays and how we would handle them that this is crash time. I don't know what to say except stop worrying, try to embrace all that you have had in the past with your boyfriend, and love him like you used to before your mum passed. I hope this will re-kindle your love and faith in that you are not alone, and he is still here, maybe he just does not know what to do for you and that is because you are still a lost soul yourself. I know I am. I cried this morning. My daughter and grandson are here and that makes for warmness in my heart but I am still alone and angry he is gone. The last few days have been rough, I'm reliving and remembering this time last year when he turned ill, scared, unsure, and deeply afraid. Expecting the worse, but not realizing that it would not get better at the time.

I too feel like I've allowed those close to me slip away, but it is because there is so much left to say, and to remind people that I am still suffering. I find it is better to hide my loss and try to be who I was before he died but in the meantime, I don't communicate as much as I used to. I lost my father in 1999, he and I were close but only for a few years before he died. He was absent much of my life but he was my daddy. An alcoholic. I miss him, but not in the same way as I miss my husband. I wish there was a magic wand KT. All I can offer is huggs and a kind shoulder that is struggling in the same way as you.

Permalink Reply by Melissa Broome on January 29, 2012 at 4:10pm

KT, your not alone..the first 4 to 5 months after my mom passed I hid from everyone except for my children. my husband and I had alot of issues after seemed like we hid from each other. He was very close to my mother too since my hubby and I had been together since I was 15. my mom was like his second mother. I have hard days still it's almost been 10 months. It has yet to get better for me, yes the pain is still there but not as bad. The since of being lost I am so lost without her. The sadness seems to be getting worse..The sense of missing her is so strong. I miss her so much sometimes more then I can handle. I think we all have our irrational days. I miss the thing's my mom used to tell me, she used to make me feel so special. I miss that No one will ever love us as much as our mother's did. were acting differently there your clinging on and I pushed everyone away. I have to say clinging is prob better all of my relationships are all awkward now after pushing everyone away for a yr soon as I found out my mom was so ill which happened in Feb 2011. I'm not looking forward to the yr anniversaries of all this misery I felt. Everyone has said the first yr is the hardest I hope they are right. Take care

Melissa

Permalink Reply by K.T on January 29, 2012 at 4:39pm

I've heard the first year is the hardest countless times too Melissa... here's hoping.

Permalink Reply by K.T on January 29, 2012 at 4:34pm

Thanks for your comments girls. I appreciate all your feedback and I'm sorry for what you are having to go through too.

I've always had trust issues and insecurities but I think they are just being increased now and maybe I'm expecting too much from my boyfriend, expecting him to give me the constant and unconditional love I always had from Mum. Am I expecting too much?

I was close to telling him tonight about my insecurities and how sometimes I doubt his love for me but I then pulled back and stopped myself because I didn't want to hurt him or cause another upset on behalf of my sensitive emotions.

I'd usually ask my Mum what to do in this situation and I can almost hear her voice in my head telling me to stop worrying. But I'm afraid I can only ask the advice of you guys :( not that you aren't all lovely, but right now I miss my Mum soooooo much :(

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on January 29, 2012 at 8:21pm

K.T. - I just read your message after I wrote the first one; Please don't fear telling your boyfriend about your insecurities!  It's not about him; it's about you, and if you tell him you know that, and you just need him to listen, and he doesn't have to respond or say anything, it will help.  If you don't tell him, then he may have questions of his own HE is afraid to voice.  

I'm sorry; I don't want to be pushy; I want you get what you need.  And it is so much harder to deal with all these feelings when you're also grieving.  I'm sending you lots of hugs! 

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on January 29, 2012 at 8:15pm

K.T. -

Hi.  No, you are not around.  I hope you will forgive me sounding like a therapist, but well, I am a therapist... and I think you hit the nail on the head - your father coming and going.  For a young child, this leads to insecurity because you don't know if you can count on one of the most important  people in your life; and even though your mom probably tried to make up for that, it doesn't matter - you're little-kid brain wired itself to expect that people couldn't be counted on.  Children blame themselves for problems in a family - "If I just did thus and so, Dad would come back."  "It's my fault mom and dad split up; if only I had...." whatever.  It's just the way it works; it doesn't have to make sense.  But once your brain gets wired a certain way, we call it "hard wired."  The good news is that the wiring can actually be changed, with work and awareness and insight.  And something called EMDR, or Brainspotting... (you can go to my profile if you want and I can email you privately to explain more... or where you can find out more if you're interested).  

This thing we call grief sucks. I think it has a life all it's own, and it just comes out when it wants to and it makes us act in ways we never dreamed possible.  If I may, if you haven't already just be honest with your boyfriend and tell him exactly how you are feeling.  He doesn't know and he can't read your mind, as I'm sure you know.  But if you just tell him, like I said if you haven't already, then do so.  He'll probably just want to hold you and let you know he does love you and he's not going anywhere!  For the rest of the people in your life, if they are worth keeping, they'll stand by you and be there when  you need them.  You can't push a true friend away unless they want to be pushed away.  And if they want to be, then you don't need them in your life.  

And also, if I may be so bold, if you haven't sought out therapy to help with this grief, I really do think it can be a huge help.  

There are a lot of very excellent therapists out there, and there are also, unfortunately, a lot of not so good ones... so you have to search for the right one for you. And if you can find one who works with trauma, and EMDR or Brainspotting, so much the better.  Hang in there.  You are very normal.

Permalink Reply by joni on February 14, 2012 at 4:01pm

Hi K.T. , no you are not alone, I feel the exact same way. So unsure of everything including myself. I pray alot and do have good friends  I talk with. Some days are not so bad. So I'm thinking there is hope. Know it will take time. Much love , hugs and prayers to you-Joni