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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on July 22, 2009 at 3:20pm

Krystal, please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother. I can read your pain and feel your heartbreak. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am 53 years old and my mother is still with us...however, my 33 year daughter was killed on Memorial Day of this year and I so miss her. Like you and your mom, my daughter and I were so close and so connected to each other. Though she was married and living in Alaska with her husband she and I spoke/emailed/texted every day, sometimes several times a day. I sit staring at my cell phone trying to accept that I will never hear from her again. Sometimes I want to throw my phone across the room and hope it shatters into a thousand pieces...but she gave it to me so I can't just trash the darn thing! I raised her as a single mom for many years so we were exceptionally close.
Have you been to counseling? Talked with your physician, a member of the clergy or a therapist? I know it's difficult but you must take care of yourself in order for the healing to begin. Also, please know there is no timetable for grieving...we are all different and respond in different ways. And you can tell your mom about the sweetheart ring. Write her a letter. I have written many poems and letters to my daughter. I have even been angry with her and told her so! Don't hold on to these emotions. Express them in writing by keeping a journal.
Again, take care of yourself and feel free to express your feelings here. Please stay in contact.
My heartfelt sympathies,
Laura

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Permalink Reply by Krystal Reed on July 22, 2009 at 9:33pm

Laura, I am so sorry for your loss. My Mom and I were the same way. I had moved out when I was 19 and lived on my own but we talked Every single day. Luckily for me I didn't move to far away. I was only 10 mins away so we had saturday movie nights and well people didnt know why i was paying for a place when I spent more time with mom then i did in my place. Honestly tho, there's no where else I'd rather be. I do talk to her and still tell her I love her every night before bed. I used to write all the time and It hink you are right. I think I need to start that again. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on July 23, 2009 at 2:49pm

Hello again, Krystal. My words were not only meant to be kind but they were genuinely heartfelt. I feel so lost without my daughter and yet at the same time she is right next to me. Her presence is so strong and I continually feel her love surrounding me. I do believe your mom is with you; the love you express for her is so genuine and heartwarming. I have had so many of my daughter's friends tell me how much she loved me, that she would talk about me all the time. I feel so honored she expressed her love for me to others. Never feel you must not talk about your mom. I will tell strangers about my daughter's death...it may seem silly or weird to some but it just feels right for me at this particular point in time. Remember, there is no timetable for grieving. It sounds like you have lots of wonderful memories of your mom. If you have not written them down yet make sure you do. Sometimes the smallest things will bring back a certain memory of my daughter and I make sure to record it...you will find just how many memories you have by doing this. Take care, Krystal.
Sincerest Regards,
Laura

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Permalink Reply by Jean on July 22, 2009 at 4:27pm

Krystal:

I am sorry for your loss. My mother transitioned 5 1/2 years ago. I talk with her. I still cry. I miss her enormously and there are certain events or times in my life whe it is my natural inclination to pick up the phone and call her and then I realize she's not there. I still pray that she will visit my in my dreams so I can talk with her and see her.

My mother died of pancreatic cancer and it was one of the cruelest things to happen. She was a magnificent woman and for the end of her life to be so cruel was an awful thing to witness. I don't have the anger, because I am 100% convinced that she left that body that had betrayed her and she is now absolutely free. But, I do have utter sadness. Sometimes it is so painful it makes my breath catch. I think she deserved better, much better.

You can yell at me if it will help. My faith lets me deal. I cry when I need to and I am not ashamed to do so. While I still need God to help me understand why my mother had to go through the pain that she did and do have my faith -- in explicable and uncompromising. I believe that I will RUN to my mother when I get to leave and I will hug her and tell her I love her and I missed her and I will be so glad to see her.

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Permalink Reply by Yvonne on July 22, 2009 at 9:33pm

Time does help you to cope. Grief is not something that you get over. You learn to go on. Think about the blessing that you had w/such a wonderful mother. You will learn to remember the good times and be able to smile. You will always have good days and bad days. It is up to you what you do w/those days. Learn to share your feelings w/friends and support groups. You will be in a position to be able to help those that are newly grieving. Grief is a journey. At times you will be just fine and then the next moment you're not. My son Marcus was 22 when he died. He knew that something was wrong, so he went to three different emergency rooms where he was turned away because he did not have health insurance. He collapsed and his friends took him to another hospital where he died in a diabetic coma, not knowing that he had diabetes. That was April 15, 1999. Some mornings I wake up okay and then I will become so very sad. Our lives go on and it is up to us to help some one along the way. To give back for having been blessed w/love and our loved ones. Whatever you feel, feel it!!! Do not deny your feelings. Time truly does help.

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Permalink Reply by Krystal Reed on July 23, 2009 at 8:32am

I do beleive she is in a happier place and I to will be running to her full speed when I'm called home. My anger doesn't root from her actually leaving. I'm not mad at her but angry that she was dealt this hand. She gave everything she could to others and this is what she was givin in return. I became her caregiver. I moved home after she was diagnosed to care for her and I watched how much pain she was in. I watched her get so weak. There wasn't any place on earth I felt I needed to be. I told my mom a long time ago that when she was old and gray, she'd come love with me cause I'd never put her in a retirement home. She laughed at me and said no you live your life but honestly, thats what happened, except I lived with her. I honestly think thats how she wanted it. The morning she passed away, my dad stayed in the hospital with me. I layed my head on her pillow and held her hand allll night as my dad sat across the room. Mom and I always shared everything together, it was always her and I against the world. My dad said for some reason he got the feeling to walk out side. For the first time that night/morning I fell asleep, maybe for like 10 mins. I had this dream in that time of a voice saying she stopped breathing. when I woke up, there she was....Gone. I honestly believe she was the one that told dad to leave so we could be alone together cause when he left, thats when I told her I'll be strong for her and make her proud and of course that I loved her and thank her for everything she's ever done for me. In a way thats why it hurts so bad cause I feel like I'm not doing as I said I would. I'm not strong at all

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on July 23, 2009 at 3:11pm

Krystal, don't beat yourself up because your mom is gone. You did everything right. You are a good daughter! Strong has nothing to do with this...you are a daughter grieving the loss of her mother. Look how far you've come since then. I honestly believe there is no stronger bond than that of a mother and daughter. I may be wrong but with all my heart this is how I feel. Like your mom, my daughter gave of herself all through her life. I can't sit here and feel she was dealt a bad hand...it was a tragic accident. What I do now is sit and think about how to honor her memory. Several animal shelters in San Antonio have received donations on her behalf through family and friends. Please don't think I am not grieving...I still cry everyday, some days more than others. My heart hurts. I get angry. I have panic and anxiety attacks but more than anything else I know my daughter would not want me reliving the day of her accident, May 25, 2009. Moving forward in the grieving process is like moving through waist deep mud...you feel like you are making no progress but if you take a quick glance over your shoulder you will see you have come further than you thought! God Bless and I know your mom is watching over you.

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Permalink Reply by Krystal Reed on July 26, 2009 at 4:17pm

Laura, you are completly right. One thing that has helpted me is keeping her spirit alive throught helping others. I'm neck deep in Relay for Life with the American Cancer Society. I have a team named after her "Edye's Strength". Mom was very proud of the team last yr. I told her I will always fight for a cure for cancer until the day its found or I leave this earth. This past yr I raised aver $2300. Its an outlit that really helpts. People dont understand my dedication but it is a time I feel I'm making Mom so proud of the women I am. A mother and daughter bond really is the stongest on this earth. I try to think of the good times but sometimes my mind will sling shot right back to when she was sick. When I talk to my boyfriend, he usually had a good way of getting e to tell stories of the good things and that really does help. It really is a long hard process

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on July 26, 2009 at 6:35pm

Well, to start, it seems you have found a great guy! Good for you! And I know what you mean about the sling shot...only mine feels like a punch to the gut! I am also finding though, it does not happen continually throughout the day as it did at first. Don't feel you need to explain to people your passion for what you do to memorialize your mom. Some members of my own family cannot understand my profound grief so I just quit talking to them until I am ready to deal with it. You have so much to be proud of even if you can't see it right now. As a mother, I think your mom would be so proud of you! Only you know what your mother would expect of you and she is the only one you need to answer to...Krystal, be kind to yourself. Your last sentence says it all...it really is a long, hard process but I believe we will get through it. Beat up and lots of bruises, but we will be okay...
Also, let me know when the fundraiser comes around again. I would love to donate to "Edye's Strength".

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Permalink Reply by Krystal Reed on July 28, 2009 at 1:14pm

Thanks so much. Our Fundraising just closed for this yr but normally opens back up in November. Anywho. I truely found this week that when you lose someone that close its hard to handle things in life. Yesterday I found out that I have precancerous cells on my cervix. Mom would have been the one I would have ran to and she would have helped me through it. Now its like someone just picked me up and threw me face first on the pavement. Tho I know all the stats on cervical cancer. The doctor told me that its really early and i've had many people face this and are completely fine now. It does changed the fact that the support system is not here now. I talked to her last night and asked her to keep me safe. It's just so hard to now handle all those things in life that can go wrong without the one person that would have been there. Of course my boyfriend is ver supportive and i wouldn't trade him for the world but I feel bad to say that I'd gladly take my Mom back over having him. Yeah Mom would kick my butt for saying that cause all she ever wanted for me is to be happy and to find a man that would treat me right.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on July 28, 2009 at 4:24pm

We think, say, and do things in our grief that would have never been considered before the passing of a loved one. Just this morning I told God not to F___ with me today! Whoa, I never would have said that before my daughter's passing but right now I feel I have the right to say that! I have said some pretty crazy stuff the last few weeks. My daughter had precancerous cervix issues and she just followed up and kept tabs on it. She finally went through the required 2 years of no abnormal paps just last year. I would tell her "kiddo, don't stress over things you have no control over." She did not have control over the abnormal results but she did have control over being proactive; I told her to be proactive in her health care and do what was required by her doctor but otherwise, enjoy life. And I don't think you were thrown face first to the pavement...you really just landed on your butt and got up, dusted yourself off and got on with the business of living! Have faith in yourself and all the wisdom your mom shared with you. You're going to find she shared so much with you and you probably didn't even realized at the time! Take care and keep the faith...easy to say and hard to do but it can be done.

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Permalink Reply by Serena Ellis on August 25, 2009 at 5:51am

First, I m so sorry for your mom. I know its really tough time for you and difficult to deal with this grief. Mother's love is very important for children. This is first anniversary of your mother and you can burn a candle on her grave and also tribute a good thing for her memory. You make this day memorable with memories of your mom.
I know you can't forget your mom but you can trying to move on. My prayers and condolences for you.
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

condolence message

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