Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Amy on December 26, 2011 at 1:40pm

Yona,

I am so sorry that you are here but I am glad that you found us.  We are not here to judge you or how you get through this.  Many of us have solve your problems.  Just take care of yourself.  You owe that to yourself and your kids.

This time of year is hard no matter what but the first year is the worst.  I am sure that your kids are in pain, too.  You need to help each other through, cry when you need to and find someone to talk with even if it is online.  My friends couldn't relate either.  Some compared my situation to their friends who were getting divorced.  What were they thinking?  Not the same at all.  They would all try to give me advice even though none of them had gone through the same thing.  All I can tell you is that you have to learn to speak up for yourself.  Everyone will tell you what to do.  Most people told me what they would do but in the end I had to decide what worked for me and my children.  If it doesn't feel right, don't make any quick decisions.  If you want to take time and figure something out for yourself, then do it.  Don't let anyone bully you into something you don't want to do.  Learn to say NO to people when they ask you for something that you don't want to do.  I learned quickly that putting myself into "couples" settings made me very uncomfortable.  Dinners, parties, etc.  It made me so sad and depressed that didn't have my husband while I was listening to women complain that their husband didn't do something around the house or in the yard....blah blah blah.  They didn't realize how lucky they were.  Some of them still don't get it.  They also will ask you when you will start dating.  Again, I was angry.  Why is this important to them and why do they feel it is any of their business?  I am better at coping with this now but still find myself picking and choosing who I want to spend time with.  I guess that people don't know what to say sometimes so they say something stupid instead of nothing at all...

You will get through this.  It will take time.  We will be here for you and if you need us, just let us know.

Take care, Amy

Permalink Reply by Yona Rasynouvong on December 27, 2011 at 12:53pm

Hi Amy, 

Thank you for your response. You are right you can't compare our situation with divorce because they don't realize that it's our children who suffer as well. They don't have the option to see their father which is what hurts me the most. I know it's still early but I think about graduation and weddings, you know all of those memorable and special moments that are coming up and I know that is when they would wish that they had their father there to celebrate that moment with them. I hate it when I say that and people say well you know he will always be there in spirit well you know what that isn't enough. In the very beginning I had everyone trying to make decisions for me and all that did was make me more mad. I decided to cremate my husband and keep his ashes in the house but I guess in our culture (Buddhism) your suppose to leave his ashes at the temple so I got a lot of grieve over that but I stood my ground. If anything that is one thing that I have learned is to make my own decisions and not allow anyone to tell me what to do. I'm allowing myself to do what makes me feel comfortable even about financial reasons. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable in couple gatherings but I know that I can't hide from it because all of my friends are married. I have however started to hang out with a different group of friends but of course still keeping my other friends because they have been really supportive of me. So I'm with you on that that I pick and choose who I want to spend my time with. I know it will take time but sometimes it feels like it won't get any better. I think for me I've been doing pretty well because I do have a good support group and I have reached out to local group therapy and see my own therapist that is offered on campus. Seeing my own therapist I think has really helped me because I can speak my mind with no one judging me. As for the dating thing I have thought about it. I know I'm not ready and it is too early still but I think it's because I'm more lonely then anything and that's why I think about it. It scares me to death though because now I have such high standards because not only would I be looking for a companion but also for a father for my kids....I know that sounds crazy but that's the honest truth...that person has to love me and my kids and quite frankly I don't know if there are that many guys out there who are willing to do that. I may just be single for the rest of my life which also scares me. It's always good talking to other people who understand what you are going through...makes me feel not so crazy and reassures me that some of the feelings I have are experienced by everyone going through a similar loss. Thanks for making me feel better and to know that I'm not alone. I'm here for you as well if you need someone to talk to. 

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on December 26, 2011 at 4:37pm

Hi Yona.

So, sorry for the loss of your husband. And sorry you had to join this group. I know that there are no words that can make your pain feel better or go away. There is just so much going on through your life that all seems to hard to carry on.

I myself, am a young widow. I am 27 years old. I too had a long history with my husband. I had 12+years together. We had been together since I was 14. He was my all, my everything. I had never been without him and are having a really hard time accepting his loss. I had my whole future ahead and planned with him. So many years to come together, but all was taken away from me and my son. We had a 2 year old son. Trust me, when I tell you that I can relate to all of your emotions and unfortunately people who have not experienced a similar loss, cannot understand how we feel. But like I said I can and I am here as a friend to you!!. It is a heavy weight we carry on. Our lives were changed so much from having a whole and complete family, to being young widows and raising our children on our own plus dealing with grief.

It is all normal what you are feeling about having those thoughts of feeling like a bad mother, I too feel like that often. I just wished I can lay in bed all day, sleep and do nothing but cry out.. But we cant, we somehow become strong to get up because our children need us. I just dont know where i would be if i did not have my son with me. I know its a really hard responsibility that is ahead  because of our children, but it definetely makes us go on and keep climbing that hill..

Since my husband's death, i have many bad days and few ok days. I often compare this process as a rollercoster (ups and downs, mostly downs).. People say that time makes it better, however; i am still having trouble accepting this new reality. I cant yet accept this new life, i still have thought in my mind that he will soon walk in through that door and everything will be the same..

I hope we can be friends. I am here for you.

Take Care and Hugs,

Amanda

Permalink Reply by Yona Rasynouvong on December 27, 2011 at 1:10pm

Hi Amanda, 

So you know how I feel then to be in your 20s and a widow. I think it's not even about the age but more for me the fact that me and him were together at such a young age...literally growing up together which is probably how you feel. Yeah I had my whole future planned, we struggled so much growing up and one thing we use to say to each other was that no matter how much we struggled as long as we have each other everything will be okay. Well now that I don't have him anymore sometimes I feel like I can't get through some of my struggles like this one. He was my best friend someone I could tell anything to and he would always know what to say to make me feel better. It just sucks not having that anymore. 

You are right my kids make me stronger even when I want to be weak. If I didn't have them I don't know what I would do. I probably would just stop caring about myself and everyone around me but because I love my kids so much I know that they don't deserve this so I always try and stay strong for them. I like how you refer it to climbing a hill....i just wish I would reach the top soon and find happiness again. My life has always been a roller coaster and more downs than ups but I know that I have to remain positive and only hope for the best. Sometimes I wish that this was just a bad long dream that I'm having and that one day I will wake up and everything will be the same again. For the first 2 months I couldn't accept that he was gone either but I have accepted it now but my emotions are back and forth. One moment I'll be fine and the next moment I'm back to square one. The way I have been coping with my loss is by surrounding myself with good friends and always keeping myself busy whether it's going to the mall to shop, go hang out with friends, go exercise. Because I notice that when I'm at home laying in bed that's when I start to think too much and it just gets me all depressed. We all have our own way of coping so you just have to find what works best for you.

Well I also hope that we can be friends and help each other get through this. Let me know if you need to talk even if it's 3am because more than likely I'm still up.

Take care of yourself

Yona

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on December 28, 2011 at 12:03pm

Hi Yona,

I hope you are doing okay. I woke up sad and with constant tears. Today marks 8 months since my husband's loss. I try to keep busy but seem to have a though time concentrating and can only think of him. Time has not made this better, it somehow makes you get a bit use to a new routine but it does not ease the pain. It still remains the same since that day.

 

This is a tough journey to embrace. We are left with so many tough decisions to make but I agree with Amy when saying that we must stand up for ourselves. I have been through so much pain since my husband's loss that I have somehow learned to speak up and not be afraid to say No. I have realized who are my true friends, who were my husband's true friends, dealing with in law drama, too much to handle + dealing with my own grief is at times too much. I too attend weekly therapy which has helped me to keep myself sane and vent out without being judged. I continue to learn that all of this is a normal process, although it seems like its not & that we are loosing our mind.

The thoughts of my husband missing out of so much with my son, hurts me too. Although I had 12+ years of relationship with him, my son only had 19 months, how is that suppose to be fair??.  My son is now 27 months old, and is so outgoing.

I too get many people telling me that he is in spirit, or that he is in a better place (no, better place is here with us, with his family) he had a good life here.. I have also been compared to the Divorce situation. A lady from work once told me, "oh i can understand you how you feel about being alone and without a husband".  I literally told her off, and said you know what, no you cannot understand me you lost your husband because he left you for another woman and eventually filed for divorce against you. I lost my husband forever. How dare you have the right to make such comparison!!!

 

Please feel free to send me a message or comment. I usually check in online everyday. I have found wonderful friends on this site that have helped me through this journey.

Amanda