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Missing my son
Hello everyone. I am new to this online group but not new to grief. I have lost many family members, including my parents (mom when I was 16 and dad when I was 30). My husband has lost all but 4 of 13 family members, not including his mom and dad. I work in a nursing home so I am around death allot! None of these things can equal what it is like to lose a child! I lost my Jordan last May 24, 2010. Here's my story...
It was the first HOT day of the Springtime. Jordan texted me that he wanted to go swimming with his g/f Lexii. I first said, "no" because his dad wanted him to come home and help him do some things after school but I knew it was a HOT day and he begged to go and meet Lexii. Since it was almost time for school to be let out for the summer I thought, "ok you can go". He said whatever he was to do that day, he would do the next day (Tuesday or Wednesday).
He came home and changed his clothes and grabbed his swimming trunks. I was laying down with a headache. He came in to get some money from me and for some reason, I hid it from him so he had to stay home longer to look for it. (Why??? I really don't know the answer to this!) It was just a weird thing. He found it and I asked if he would bring the basket of clothes upstairs from the basement before he took off. He did that and put them down on the bed before he left. He was so excited to get to go!!! When he took the money he said, "Thank you, Mom." This was strange, as I look back, because he always only said, "thanks". His g/f had been telling him to say, "thank you" as they helped each other to be better people.
Little did I know that it would be the last time I saw him or the last time I would hear him say, "MOM"!!! When he walked out that door, that was it.
I have been through the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's and it doesn't help. Going over and over "that day" doesn't help. Trying to take everything back, doesn't help. Hanging on to that day, doesn't help. I have found that the only thing that helps me is to allow myself the time to grieve and to cry and then allow myself to feel better. At first I felt like I wasn't "here anymore". I just existed. After the BAD grief, I would almost feel "normal" again but then I felt guilty about that. I didn't want to allow myself to feel "normal" again. I lost my son!!!! How could I EVER be normal again?!?! The first time I laughed or smiled, I felt guilty. The first time I went somewhere by myself, I felt guilty. When I was with friends, I felt guilty. Like I shouldn't be able to do anything anymore because my son wasn't able to! I thought I was going CRAZY!!! I couldn't sleep, eat, work, do chores, nothing mattered to me anymore. I was a zombie!
What got me through it ?, people ask. I am not really sure. I just know that you go through it because you have "no choice" and that time does allow you to heal. Friends are awesome and I would not have made it this far, without them!
Now my challenges are that people think I should be over it by now! Well I have news for those people....I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS!!! NEVER!!! I have good days and I have bad. Sometimes I have bad moments, sometimes I have bad minutes but I have more good than bad now. It just take time and understanding friends and coworkers. I would NEVER want anyone to go through what I have had to BUT I would like a little more "UNDERSTANDING" at times about these feelings I have that I CANNOT CONTROL!!! Especially at work. Now I know I can't go around crying all the time, but there are certain things that trigger feelings and it does get overwhelming at times. For instance, Jordan would be 18 in Oct. this year and this would be his Senior year. When I see his friends getting ready for school or school ads around stores or in the paper, it sometimes just overwhelms me! I can't do anything about that! Why can't people get that??? That's the struggle I am having right now. I cry easily and have had to go on meds for depression and anxiety. Do I want to be this way??? NO! Can I help how I feel? Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. I can get through most days now, without crying or feeling anxious but there are days when I need people to understand.
Well, that's enough of my story for now. This is where I am at in my life. I am here to talk and help if I can so please share your story with me?
Views: 178
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on
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Thank you Cathy and I hope you find happiness and peace as well!
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Permalink Reply by nadia on
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Dear Cheryl, I will too never get over it... I lost my wonderful sister on 21/05/2011 she was 36 fit slim healthy adn had a heart attack.... My world collapsed that day...my life changed for ever... it still hurts like this first week.... she was my best friend .. she was my soulmate... we were so close even tho I loved abroad... we were so much looking forward for summer break as I had 2 months off from work had made so many plans together....
I will never be complete without her... I miss her so much everyday very minute....still have my crying tantrum sessions at home while zombing at work.... I can comprehend what my parents would be feeling losing their child.. I am broken and changed cant even find relive on my 4 yr old twins... I feel angry and jealous that others move on that common friends get on with things... it is not faor but sometimes I cannot help it... i started praying and was finding moment of clam but now I cannot do this no more I feel anger god took her away...I am not doing that well I guess coming to terms with life without her is so hard..I cannot get over it I cannot move on people...I hope you find peace love nadia
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I am so sorry that you lost your sister, Nadia!!! I lost my brother in 2003 to AIDS. He was 43 yrs. old. We didn't have plans like you and your sister did, but we were close. It's terrible!!! I did have time to spend with my brother though and I think that made all the difference. You sound like you didn't get that chance? It seems so much more unreal and unfair when you have a sudden death to deal with and HOW do you DEAL with death of someone who is WAY TOO YOUNG TO DIE? I understand what you say about being a zombie at work. How can it be any other way??? People just do not understand how we feel. We don't even understand it, how can they!?! But that doesn't make it any easier. I too am broken. I have another son and I have grandchildren and yes, I am so very blessed, but it still doesn't take the longing away for that other special person in your life who was there yesterday and gone today! It's so sad. I am so sorry this had to happen to you!!! I know nothing will fill that void!!! I am praying for you and I hope you find the peace that passes understanding....Love, Cheryl
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I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Jordan. I have lost many too in my family, but you are so right, nothing compares to the loss of a child. It is not a club you want to become a member of, that is for sure. I will miss my Zach every single day of my life. Thank you for your words of inspiration, knowing that you have been able to continue on one day at a time helps. I have moments when all I want to do is go to bed and just stay in bed but I don't. I know I have to go on for my daughters and granddaughters, but some days it is so very hard. Like you said I have had many awesome friends and family you I know continue to pray for me and my family, and I truly believe that is why I am able to go on. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers now as well.
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Permalink Reply by anne on
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Dear Cheryl. Wow! I couldnt of said it better! You know that's the truth! These feelings they are going to come and go for the rest of our lives. I have been surviving for a long time now and I truly believe in acceptance but having bad days is part of what acceptance is all about. My little boy was 12, and he was burned to death in a terrible car accident. My oldest son was driving. Then 9 years almost to the day my oldest son was killed in a very horrific car accident. My daughter was driving and a man came off a gravel road and did not stop at the stop sign and t-boned the car killing my son and forever injuring my daughter.That was 4 years ago.I'm pretty sure I have dealt with this whole tragedy thing in every way possible and I have hit some very bad lows and none of it worked. Then I found a little thing called acceptance. It doesn't take away all of the pain and sadness, but enough to allow me to survive and allow myself to be happy, and joyful when I can, and patient and kind to myself when I'm having a bad day. Forgiveness was also another great survival key. I finally forgave myself,God, The semi driver, The man that killed my Ben and hurt my daughter and Life. It took a long time for me to do this, but once I started to think clearer, and time subsided some of the pain, I realized that the only thing thaat can help me is Me. I hold the key to my survival. I decided to honor my sons by living each day the best I can and let the good memories out last the bad. Thanks for sharing your journey. It's a good feeling to know were not alone.
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