Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by christianlee on November 13, 2011 at 6:09am

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a son named Zachary. He's 4 now. I cannot imagine losing any of my children. I just lost my Dad and that seems heavy enough......I grieve daily. All I can say is my heart goes out to you and I will pray for you. You are not alone my dear.

Permalink Reply by Robin Jone on November 14, 2011 at 8:57pm

christianlee, thank you so much for your kind words. I too lost my Dad when I was 18, I turned to drinking and drugs because I didn't know how to deal with the pain. I lost my Mom when I was 8, and losing my Dad was more than I could bare. November 12th would have been my Dad's birthday, he died when he was 47 of bladder cancer. I can't believe it has been 36 years since I lost him. In time it does get better, I still miss my Dad, especially when I got married and had my kids and he never even got to meet them. I try to envision him and my Mom and brother, all meeting my son, Zach. I'm hoping they all know how much I love and miss them. I do believe some day we will be together again. I stopped drinking 30 years ago, so my kids never had to see that person. Drinking is not the answer, just keep praying and God will help ease your pain. In time, hopefully the happy memories of your Dad will  help you. You are in my prayers also. Thank you.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on November 13, 2011 at 9:07am

Robin, I don't really know what to say because tomorrow will be 7 months since I lost my only child Kasey Lynn in a car accident. She was 20. I know that my counselor tells me to not look too far into the future. She says to take it minute by minute or hour by hour. I know crying does help temporarily. You might feel like you have to be strong but you have to let it out. Writing in a journal might help. So far I have made photobooks online of my daughter and given them to her friends. I also had her clothes ( not the super special ones that will be buried with me) into a quilt that I can wrap around me. I'm kind of worried now because I don't have a current project to work on.

The other thing is that there are going to be people who think they are helping, but they are going to say the most inappropriate things.This is not something you get unless it happens to you. I struggle with this everyday but I say to try and look at there intentions because most people are not trying to hurt you. They want to help but they don't know how. Also if there is someone in your life that is being hurtful, don't feel bad about cutting them off. This has to be to about you.

The last thing I hesitate to write because it scared me when it was written to me,but it turned out to be true. The things I mentioned might help a little but nothing is really going to help for long. You are still early in the process and it's going to get harder when the shock wears off. Again I don't write that to scare you but to help you. In the early months I felt like I might survive this but now I just don't know. The shock is gone, I know she's not coming back. Her friends have all but forgotten her. Nobody wants to talk about her and most people expect me to be getting better. Everyone is gone right when I need them the most.

This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done in you life. I will be thinking of you.

Sandy

Kasey Lynn's heartbroken mother

Permalink Reply by Robin Jone on November 14, 2011 at 9:13pm

Dear Sandra, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what I would do if I didn't have my daughters, and granddaughters to keep me going. I know in that I am very blessed. I like the idea of making his clothes into some kind of a quilt that I can wrap around me. I know it sounds kind of weird, but I do sleep with a pair of his shorts that he always used to wear because they help me feel like I have something to hold on to that was his. My two youngest daughters, withdrew from college this past semester and are thinking of going back in January. My son's girlfriend has been living with us since he died, because she didn't want to move back  home because all their friends are here. I know Zach's girlfriend will probably be moving out this month or next, and then my daughters will be probably going back to school soon. I know that is when it is really going to  hit me because right now I am so happy that they are here, but I know for them I have to let them move on. Zach's birthday is December 16th, I just had my birthday I couple of weeks ago, which was hard enough not having him here. I can't imagine going through his birthday and the holidays without him. We are lucky, he had some amazing friends who right now are still around and come by and see us. Several actually came to see me on my birthday, which meant the world to me, but made me miss Zach so very much. The other night I did finally start writing in a journal but I had to stop, there was just so much to write. I have never really written in a journal and I don't know what to write. I might keep another where I write just to Zach. I have heard that sometimes that help. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I am doing okay, and then when I wake up in the morning it hits me all over again. Hopefully being able to talk to others who are experiencing the same thing will help. My husband and I have gone to a group called Compassionate Friends for parents who have lost a child. I don't know if you have tried that, but it does help a little, if not just to listen to someone else and try to help them. Sandy thank  you so much for your kind words, you are in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 14, 2011 at 9:22am

Dear Robin,

I understand that punch in the stomach. I experience it myself. I lost my darling mother Nancy on June 26, 2011 from organ failure after she underwent chemo and radiation for throat cancer. She stopped smoking 25 years ago and took such great care of her body. She was my entire world. We share December 19th as our birthday. Christmas was our favorite time of year. We LOVED shopping together. My sisters (3) are selfish and uncaring - always have been. Once the estate was settled...they are poof...gone. I am completely alone now. No more Thanksgivings together. No more Christmas shopping together. No more movies on Sundays. All gone. Nothing means much without her to share it with. Your son is in heaven with your brother, mother and all of his loved ones. It is our burden to still be here when they are no longer here. We grieve as deep as we love. There is so bond as strong as mother and child. You the mother feeling it and me the child feeling it. The pain is relentless. Each day...I feel it etching away at my heart like a chisel. I drink to much wine at night to numb myself and I cry myself to sleep with memories of a healthy beautiful mother. I don't know how we go on Robin. We just do. It's like that movie "Groundhog Day". I am so sorry that you have experienced so much pain and grief in your life. But as I have said...death is the beginning of a beautiful journey where we are reunited with so many who have gone before us. Where there is only love and peace and joy. I think about mother all of the time. I will be praying for you and thinking about you. The loss we have to endure is our burden until we are invited into the Kingdom of Heaven. My mother comes to me in the form of a Butterfly. She came to me yesterday and I say "Hi Momma". Your son is all around you like my mother is me. Look in the mirror and you will see your son in you. You created him. My heart is with you Robin. We are sisters in grief but also sisters who know how to love very deeply. Just take one hour at a time friend. Love Sue

 

Permalink Reply by christianlee on November 14, 2011 at 4:15pm

Hi Sue. Nice message you wrote. Very nice. I share similar feelings of loss as well.

Permalink Reply by Robin Jone on November 14, 2011 at 9:36pm

Dear Sue,

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Mom. I know how much it hurts to lose  your Mom, my Mom died at the age of 35 of a heart attack, I was only 8. That was such an awful time, I remember at that young age just having nightmares about my Mom. I do know one thing, keep talking about your Mom and keep her memory alive. When my Mom died we didn't really talk about it because we thought it would just cause each other more pain. Now, it is really sad, but I am now 54 and don't have all that many memories of my Mom because my family didn't talk about her too much. I remember when I was 35 and my oldest daughter was 8, it was such a weird time because I kept thinking how sad it was that I did not remember my Mom. I wondered if the same would be true for my daughter, if I would  have died then. I turned to drinking when my Dad died, when I was 18, I encourage you to try not to do that. I developed a problem with drinking to try and ease my pain, but then I became someone I did not want to be and was not proud of. I know it is so hard to have to feel all the pain, sometimes it just seems so unbearable. There are times when the pain of losing Zach, I feel like I can't breath, and how will I get through this. I try to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, but sometimes you have things you have to plan for and then it is that punch in the stomach of how can I imagine doing any of these things without Zach being there. I will never get to dance with him at his wedding, be a grandma to his kids, so many things I wanted him to experience that will never happen. If I let myself go to far with that, I want to just curl up into a ball. So then i get myself busy doing something so I can try to avoid the pain. I know though that when it is quiet, I have to allow myself to stop and feel the loss, and cry. it is stupid the other day, I got so mad at him because on his facebook he had not accepted me as his friend. I was the only one in our family, that he did not have listed. He liked to do things like that, because he thought he was just being funny, he didn't mean to be hurtful and I'm sure he meant to get around to accepting me, but unfortunately he never will. His girlfriend said she could make it that I would be listed on there as his Mom, but I said it wouldn't be the same if she did it. It was ridiculous how I sobbed over that. I know I am just going to  have days like that. It is funny that you say  your Mom comes to you in the form of a Butterfly. The last couple of weeks a cat that I have not seen before, has been hanging around our  house. It will just come running up, it is so friendly and loving. It must belong to someone because it does not look like it is starving, but it is kind of strange that it has just suddenly appeared. Who knows? Thank you Sue, we will some how survive this.There have been so many people who have been praying for me and my family as I am sure the same is true for you. I seriously think that prayer is keeping me going one step at a time. You will be in my prayers also.