Task 1: Accept The Reality Of The Loss

When someone dies, even if the death is expected, there is always a sense that it hasn't happened. The first task of grieving is to come full face with the reality that the person id dead, that the person is gone and will not return. Part of the acceptance of reality is to come to the belief that reunion is not possible, at least in this life. Many people who have sustained a loss find themselves callingout for the lost person or misidentifying others in their environment, i.e., they may walk down the street, catch a glimpse of somebody who reminds them of the deceased, and be drawn toward that person, only to remind themselves; "No that is not ________-_______ is really dead."
The opposite of accepting the reality of the loss is not believing thatis happening. This is denial. Some people refuse to believe the death is real and get stuck in their griveing process at the first task. Denying the facts of the loss is another way to keep from facing reality. The kind of denialght distortion of the events to a full-blown delusion. Another way of denial that a person will go through what Geoffry Gorer (Death, Grief, and Mourning in Contemporary Brittain, 1965) has called "mummifican," that is, retaining possessions of the deceased's ready for use when he/she returns. This can be simply keeping a certain article of furniture as it was in a room to leaving complete rooms as they were for years. This is not unusual in the short term, but becomes denial if it goes on for years.
Another way to deny the reality of loss is to minimize the meaning of the loss. Statements such as "We weren't that close, really" or " I don't miss him" or "He wasn't a good father," are common. Some people get rid of all personal items, the opposite of "mummification." In this way, survivors protect themselves through the absence of any artifacts that bring them face to face withthe loss.
After death, it is very normal to hope for a reunion or assume the deceased is not gone. For most this is a short-lived, at least for this life, and this enables them to move to Task II.

Task II: Experience The Pain

Ours is a society that seeks to run from the pain andagony that life often brings to us. This can be the case also during bereavement. An old Chinese Proverb reads: "Suppression leads to momentary relief and permanent pain. Feeling your experience leads to momentary pain and permanent relief."
There are two kinds of bereavement: physical pain and emotional pain. Both are real and hurt. Symptoms of physical pain include: tense, aching muscles, tightness in the throat, nervousness, headaches, altered sleep patterns including drams and sometimes nightmares, general fatigue, diminshed appetite, digestive upset, sick feeling "in pit of the stomach." emergence or worsening of medical problems, i.e. ulcers, rashes, allergies, high blood pressure, etc. A rule of thumb is to seek medical attention at all times during bereavement if any of these symptoms increase in severity.
The emotional pain includes many intense feelings: Anger canbe one of those feelings. It may directed toward the person who died or athird part or one's self or God. Anger may be hard to express because of one's upbringing or social pressures. If suppressed, anger will take the form of general irritability, pessimism, and low self-esteem. Powerlessness and fear may take over as feelings, also :Am I losing my mind?" "What will happen to me now?" Feelings of worry about one's self and the rest of one's family may be present. Emptiness and loneliness manifest themselves. You may ache to touch and hold another person or child. one may feel "dead" inside. There may be feelings of intense isolation. "No one else understands me or what I am going through!"
Guilt may be felt also. This phase "if only" will crop up in conversation with self and others. To resolve guilt over death it is necessary to know the circumstances and cause of death as clearly as possible-then to find out what is reasonable guilt (guilt due to neglect or carelessness) or unreasonable built (guilt that persists even though the best possible care was given)> Guilt can be realted to our pre-death relationship or experiences. "Maybe I could have loved him mores." " I should have spent more time with her." Guilt needs reality to test it. It may may also need self-forgiveness and accepting that same gift from God.
Depression will most often come about as one goes through bereavement. Feeling "blue," having feelings of listlessness, tiredness, loss of routine on the job or in the household, restlessness, circular thinking, "racng" thoughts, confusion, memory loss or lapses, inability to make decisions, dometimes suicidal thoughts, wishes or actions, are all signs of depression.
These are the pains of bereavement. They are real. They need to be felt and not suppressed. As they come and go, one will often feel them in less intensity. As this happens and as one meets these feelings "head-on" the process of healing will continue.

Task III: Adjust to the Environment Without the Deceased

The third task of the grieving person is to begin the adjustment to a world without the person loved and lost through death. In the first of this series of articles, we've discussed the need to accept the loss and experinece the pain of our grief. Now we look at the practical issues of once more facing the challenges of living as a person in a world that may know of the pain of the bereft person.
matters ofa legal and financial nature press in on the bereaved. If he/she has been the person who has taken care of these matters before, then even though the death may make these tasks difficult, one can prevail. If he/she has not been the financier in the family, this may be a doubly difficult task. If one has an accountant or confidant who can help, one shuld ely on them for a while or gain the skills through some teaching by that person.
Often decisions will crop up. What to do with the deceased's belongings? What to do with the space in the housse which was identified as theirs,i.c., the husband's "den" or the child's room? How often to visit he cemetary? How to cope with the different aspects of the bereaved's life-from remarriage to having another child? Often well-intended persons hurt by their uniformed comments.
Establishment of new patterns in a family occur; e.g., seats at the table, reassigning chors, children wanting to "take over" the esponsibilities of the deceased (son for dad or younger brother for older brother).
Adjustment to "special" times, seasons and activities present problems. Birthdays, holidays and vacations are times of remembering, and events that may have had special significance to the deceased will cause the pain of remembrance, mixed with the joys of the past. These are bittersweet times. Music, that special song or locations, that special resteraunt, will remind you again.
All these will test your ability to adjust. Take time to let the task of adjustment happen. Relationships are not built in a day and they cannot be pushed aside in a day either. Walk through grief, no need to run.

Task IV: Reinvest

UP to this point, we have looked at the first three tasks of mourning: Accepting the loss, Experiencing the Pain, and Adjustment to the Environment Without the Deceased. In this fourth and final article, we will look at the task of reinvesting ourselves into a world that we have temporarily left behind in the need to grieve after the loss of a loved one.

George Bonnell in his book on be bereavement counsling writes, "Grief is the emotion that is involved in the work of mourning, whereby a person seeks to disengage himself and to reinvest." This process takes place slowly over a period of time. Societytime needed to grieve. The bereaved does not allow the time. Often the message is said oneself, "I should be better by now."

The process of reinvesting can be characherized as a time of successes and setbacks. The following are signs that reinvestment of emotional energy in living is taking place in one's life:
ONe'sl pain lessons n frequency, intensity and duration.
Good days begin to balance out bad ones.
One's ability to enjoy old activities or take on new ones increases, with out emotional overload.
One begins to see options and possibilities for the future without the deceased person.
As grief "softens" one is able to discuss the deceased person and remember him/her with more happiness.
One's focus shifts from remembering your loved one's death to remembering his life.
One's perspective will return so that recognition of good and bad characteristics is possible.
Genuine enjoyment of activities and people will return. One is able to laugh without guilt once more.
A reinvestment of emotional energy into new and old realtionships will happen
Finally, one can encounter the grief and pain in another with compassion and empathy without the emergence of one's own pain.
One should not expect that life will be the same as it was before a loved one's death. One can never live the same or feel the same. C.S. Lewis writes in his book, A Grief Observed, "getting over it? to say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing, after he's had his leg cut off is quite another....At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be biped again."