Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on October 13, 2011 at 11:24pm

Thanks, Panni.  I appreciate the encouragement.  I'll check with my friends and see if a couple could be ready to meet close by...just in case.  That's a good idea.

Permalink Reply by Ronna Doescher on October 13, 2011 at 2:10pm

Sean:

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is especially hard when they choose to take their own life without a note or an explanation.

I don't believe there is any certain way to get "ready" for doing some thing like this.  The important thing is that you are able to experience it all: through the pain, will come the good memories.  Try hard to focus on the good times, not how she died. Think of all the wonderful things she gave you in your short period of time together.

Also, take time for yourself.  Have those people close, even on cell phone if you can.  Let them talk to you and guide you.  Even if by cell phone, they also can help you through this difficult time  and may be able to say their own goodbyes and help you through your goodbye.

I know there is little consolation, but know it wasn't your fault. You need to forgive yourself and her.   Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or condoning, it just frees you from the pain that guilt gives you.  When you are there spreading her ashes, also release the pain and guilt from this.  Watch it float away along with her ashes.  That way, you will be able to move on in your walk through Grief..

 

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on October 13, 2011 at 11:20pm

Thanks for the response, Ronna.  I do appreciate it.  I've learned to keep in touch with friends and family as I've been dealing with all this.  It helps tremendously, even if it's not what I want to do at the time.  I also appreciate the idea of letting go of pain and guilt along with her ashes.  That makes a lot of sense, and hopefully it'd help her do the same.

Permalink Reply by Christine Sutton on October 13, 2011 at 2:58pm

Sean,

Again, I am sorry about your wife. As I mentioned, we do not know how Steve died. There is a toxicology report which will take 14 weeks from time of death because there is a chance he also took his own life, which I am sure you know what kind of emotions may come up for me if that is the ruling. He had very severe Bipolar Disorder but was doing very well and was stable for many years. He was depressed often, but there was no significant event to trigger him and he was supposed to come see me in the hospital (I was there for a complication with my Lupus) the day after he died in his sleep. He was on quite a bit of medication and had attempted in the past when he was unstable, and before we were together. However, he also had been a little sick lately and in pain. Two weeks prior, he suddenly couldn't walk and went to the hospital for one night and the next day, he could walk. I wanted to first share those details.

About the ashes... as Panni said...you have had the strength to get through the most difficult moments of such a tragic death. I do believe it is a good idea to have your support system somewhere ....and to have a plan before you just go off and do it. Maybe, if this suits you, coming up with a ritual (of sorts) or a little personal ceremony between you and your late wife, which you will do through going up the mountain, spreading the ashes and coming down. Talking to her, reviewing memories, saying a prayer if you are so inclined, saying another formal goodbye reading a poem, listening (carefully) to music on the way down. And afterwards, I think having someone, even just one person, or whomever you feel comfortable with, around you to help you process those feelings or just be there for support. Because we never know the emotions that any event with bring up...or bring back up for us. peace and love to you... Christine

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on October 13, 2011 at 11:29pm

Thank you, Christine.  I'm not sure what kind of ritual I might do.  Neither of us were very religious, so that doesn't give much inspiration.  I'd thought about taking my harmonica up there with me and playing a song or two.  Maybe just saying something form the heart, either to her or to God/The Universe in general.  I do like the idea of talking to her.  I've done that several times in the last months, and it usually seems to help.  I'm kind of hoping that if her spirit can still hear me, she'd let me know if there's anything else I could be doing that might help her along with this, too.  I know what you mean about not knowing what emotions an event will bring up.  My ability to predict that has been quite pitiful, and I've pretty much given up on it.  The best I can do at this point is know what days or things are likely to push buttons and have a few basic precautions in place.  After that....well...it's just wait and see.

 

I understand about the toxicology report.  That's about how long it took to get back the one on Ariel. She didn't leave a note, but the state of the hotel room and the things she brought made it pretty clear that she'd ended herself, so it wasn't much of a surprise when the coroner's final report confirmed it.  I hope that, when the report comes back for you, that it does help bring some closure and resolution.  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on October 13, 2011 at 11:39pm

I did do that.  I ordered a necklace where the pendant's got a little space in it for the ashes.  I've found it hard to wear too often, but it is comforting to know that I've got a little bit of her left to remember her by.  I don't know if I'll ever get to where I can wear it regularly, but it's good to know that it's there, even if it's just for special occasions.