Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 27, 2011 at 8:29am

My family and marriage seems to be unraveling since my son died.... My other kids have flown from the nest before I realized it...  My marriage is one in separate bedrooms... we have been having such difficulty... even though it was not perfect before, I feel so alone and feel like he is not there for me.... we have lost trust...  and the man I thought I could count on seems to be absent.... Has anyone been in marriage turmoil as well as grief?

I feel like I have been reevaluating my whole life... but have been in extreme pain and in such Deep Need.... it is like I am expected to be strong.. yet I am crumbling....

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 27, 2011 at 8:38am

Grace, I will pray that You and Your husband will pull "together"...it is so easy to pull into a cocoon with our grief.  As I have posted before, I shut down, but thank God..my husband was there for me..he was just so much more in a healthier place with his grief...But I can't stress enough keep communications going with your hubs, it will make your marriage stronger than ever and help with your grief.  Tell him you love him ,  tell him a LOT, and tell him to pray for you and be patient with each other.  God has given us these helpmates for times like this, but it is so hard sometimes to utilize it.  I certainly do not have all (if any) of the answers,  I just know I wasted a lot of time and missed out on a lot of love by shutting down.  Whichever one is the most distant, the other needs to reach out.  Sending love and blessings, I just know the Lord is in this...can't wait to see what HE does.  Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 27, 2011 at 9:15am

Thanks Patti....  I remember thinking about life as we were losing my Niles.... thinking our family might fall away from each other.... because he was the Hub of the family.... with him having Autism and being so dependent on all of us....We all rotated with his care.  Now the house was so empty and quiet.  I have been screaming out with pain and need... and seems sometimes that no one listens or believes my pain and need are real.  Like I am feeling this misery by choice... like "Snap Out of it'  Or they say they are grieving diffferently.  My living son seems to have become more a Party monster.... I worry about substance abuse because he has had 3 MIP's and a DUI.... yet I am told that i don't know what I'm talking about or being over reactive.... Yet I fear I may loose him in an accident.... I am so scared.   My Daughter seems to be totally absent from here.

I have been in so much pain and then I feel my husband disrespects my feelings.... he says I should not feel this way.... so even though I am trying to communicate with him my concerns... I feel he and the kids have totally "Turned against me" disregarded me as a parent.... My son will say things like "Mom is Crazy" and my husband doesn't come to my defense.   In the past, his side of the family and us have been quite distant.  Now I find myself getting angry that Hubby worries more about making others happy and has less concern about me. After years of marriage, 3 kids, now the death of the Baby of the family, I still feel my hubby has less priority to this family and especially his wife to the outside world.

I cry out for his support... tell him I really need him to like hug me or hold me.... I explained that I need to be able to lean on him and trust him with all of my pain like Ishould be able to tell him anything like I would pray to Jesus... but it has just seemed to not help.

A few months ago I asked.... does anyone in this house care about me and that I am feeling very unhappy?  No movement there.... so I left and stayed with a girlfriend for about a week.... While my other many friends were worried about me and calling me and talking..... My entire family of husband and children did not come for me....  I can not tell you how more alone and empty I felt.... I don't know how to get over this feeling of abandondment from them as well as my serious raw pain from losing my Niles...

I think they think I am crazy... but I feel so betrayed and alone from the person who I have counted on for som many years.... It is like the song "You Left Me... Just When I Needed You Most".  All of this turmoil has not helped this empty ache I have been living.

I am sure this has take a toll on many marriages.  We have been hanging on. separate bedrooms, same house,,, hope we can weather this storm but we seem to be on the edge.

 

 

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 27, 2011 at 9:35am

Grace, I can certainly relate...the only difference is you were brave enough to be brutally honest with your family.  Before Matt's car crash my husband and I acted in a local theatre, and so I guess I was a pretty good actress....I ACTED as if I were doing OK, I ACTED as if I were healing...but the inevitable happened...MELTDOWN!!!  I had to go to my children and tell them how sorry I was for not reaching out to them, but I also told them that I loved them just as much as Matt, and if it had been them, I would have been just as destroyed...I asked them to be patient with me and I began to talk with them about Matt...funny stories, etc.....I made a point of bringing him up at gatherings, and we usually have the Thanksgiving Family Dinner for our whole extended family at our house and My Hubby always mentions Matt in our Prayer of Thanksgiving, thanking God for entrusting us with his life for as long as the Lord knew he would be here...As I also began to open up to my husband, not expecting him to have the answers, but just to be there for me, I think it made him feel like my hero again...I know every

 home is different, but hope this helps....by the way, are You a believer?  If you are not comfortable with this questions that is fine.  Just know that I am praying for You and your family...I just know you are close to a breakthrough....Blessings and love, Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 27, 2011 at 10:08am

Patti,  I was not really brought up in a church home...but hubby was.  When our kids got older they were invited to a Prsb. church and we later joined... in fact I even taugh kids Bible study of the Old testament stories from Sarah and Abraham through Exodus... the 2 remaining kids liked youth group. and my Hubby and I sang in church.... Now our family has felt abondoned by GOD. my son says he is athiest because he prayed and GOD was not there when Niles died.  My Hubby says he too has a faith crisis... I have very little faith left.  I sometimes find myself saying the Lords Prayer in Bed but I am really wondering if there is GOD why he has had me go through losing my first Husband 1983 and now takes my 14 year old son... it seems like I have tried to spend my life trying to "Be Good" what have I done to deserve this misery.   And I am So tired of people telling me the Lord only gives what we can handle and calls on us "Special People" to give Special Children (Autism) to us Special People  who have a "calling.".... when I went to the church (Before the son died) someone talked about how we get angry with GOD and the people who have not had as much misery could not believe it... I said to them that they have never met "The Depths of DISPAIR"... I also said if GOD thinks about "CALLING" on Me... I wish he would hang up the phone because he got the WRONG Number.  And why has he put me through this.... And my marriage (Where the outside world thought was perfect) is showing all its warts.  We were not big romantic story book people.  I called us NOMO Sexuals (No More Sex)... But we have always seemed to be best friends and partners... and I trusted him. now I feel like he has left me when I really need his love and affection and support.

We tried Marriage Counseling for months... but I quit because it seemed to not help.. he forgot everything after the appointment. And he just never seemed to take what I was talking about as relavent . He went through the motions but never really took anything away from the appointment. And I don't think the counselor could understand this grief ... really... like those of us who actually live it for REAL.

I talked to my medical doctor after Niles died and she offered me pills.... I just told her that they would wear off and Niles would still be dead.  I believe that my grief and tears are normal and only honors the fact that I loved my son and always will and it is only right that I have grief.

As for your question about me being a believer.... it is a grey area....  as for you praying for me thank you... I know many say that they are... and I have even asked pastor friends to carry me at this time.  Thank You  for helping through your prayers

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 27, 2011 at 10:52am

Oh Grace I am a Presb. too!!!  Just be honest with Jesus, HE CAN TAKE IT!!!  Believe I vented so much to HIM, but HE loves me.  Just think, as Moms, there is nothing our children can do to make us stop loving them, just think how it is with "DADDY JESUS"?  If it is ok, I would like to speak the name of "JESUS" in the middle of your family.....That is really all the power it takes....He is the same yesterday, today, and forever...When Matt left, I asked the Lord:  (sounds weird now)  God, what were you thinking?  You know I am not strong and I cannot take this, anything but this!  I did not want to heal, because I thought it would diminish Matt's significance if I could heal.  I did not want to use his leaving for good, I felt I would really be showing The Lord he shouldn't have done this to me.  But I

have to believe HE IS ALL KNOWING...I heard someone say "You don't have to like the postman, You just have to read the letter.  I have to believe that Jesus knew best, and perhaps God was protecting him instead of robbing him of this world...I don't know, but I intend to ask The Lord when I get there...but really I bet it won't matter when we see Jesus and all of our loved ones...And remember this, it seems like a long time to us, but not to them it will seem just like a few moments (or seconds).....Love You, and please continue to write....Still praying for your family...(if it is ok, I will ask my husband to pray for yours).  sometimes the prayers of a man for another man is more relatable to them).  Don't want to do anything you don't want me to.  But I have to reach out, because no one did for me, and my journey was way too long.....Still a work in progress w/Jesus....Patti (Matt's Mom) 

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 27, 2011 at 11:09am

It is your prayers and others that will carry me  (if there is a GOD)  HE will need to understand and maybe your prayers will send Him thia way to help....I haven't the spiritual strength ....but I am not afraid to accept yours... Just in case I am a lost sheep.... maybe you will be my shepard.  Thank you

 

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on October 8, 2011 at 12:53pm

Latisha, I just read your post...First let me say I am praying for you. I see it has been a couple of years and I hope the Lord has begun a work of healing in You. I just wanted to share my story with You. Mine is very different from yours, but I bet as Moms, our feelings are the same...My son Matt,went to heaven due to a car crash in 2006 (He was 26 at the time)...He was pronouced Dead at the scene. He was the youngest of my three boys, but praise God He Knew the Lord, He was a rocker and training to be a chef @ O'Charlies Restaurant. He had pulled a double shift and then his band played at a local Mexican Restaurant here in our town. His best friend who is also in the band was driving behind him...He fell asleep at the wheel and rear ended a semi truck...I worried a lot about him, and prayed for his protection, and I have been in a very dark place for 5 years....But, since I let go of my anger w/God (I blamed him because I knew HE could have prevented it), and I had indeed prayed for his protection that very day...But now I know GOD DID NOT DO THIS...THE LORD IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF DEATH...HE sent HIS SON to save us from it....what I am trying to say, is I finally realize that JESUS is Bigger than any of this...Your precious ANGEL is Happy in heaven, it's the ones left here on earth that miss them...But just remember You are not missing the RELATIONSHIP, because You are still her Mother, and will always be, You are missing the FELLOWSHIP with her which You will get back when God decides it's time for You to go home...That is something only HE knows....I pray Matt has met your Angel and they are friends. I hope I have not come on too strong, I am just now experiencing healing and know that it is available, and want others to trust God for it....HE grieves with us, HE feels our pain, if we turn to HIM HE WILL HEAL US!! WE will see them again. And at her tender age, YOU HAVE NO DOUBT SHE IS IN HEAVEN...isn't that a comfort, You know not all Moms have that assurance.... In HIS Love, Patti (Matt's Mom).....

Permalink Reply by Kar on November 2, 2011 at 2:26pm

Welcome Pamela ...     we hope you will find support and loving acceptance here. This group is made up of people who are or who have been where you are.  Glad to meet you - just wish of course we didn't not all have this in common.   Take care -

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on November 2, 2011 at 2:38pm

Hey Pamela, my deepest condolences. I understand your pain and torment all too well. For me, I still tell anyone how I feel, I try to be a little more conscious to respond in a "nicer" way than I used to but for the most part, I NEVER say that I'm "OK", fine or alright. I am none of those things. I am not that concerned with anyone feeling "uncomfortable" because it's not personal, it's not directed at them. My 21 yr old son and me were robbed of his life! I am very angry......what's good about any of this? Why do we have to be "OK". Who is content with having to bury their child! Who would like to feel this pain? We all know that things do happen out of our control but does that mean that we should be comforted by that fact?.......I think not.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on November 2, 2011 at 3:39pm

You are welcome Pamela. "Suck it up ? !!".....that's pretty cold, how insensitive! Obviously he has no clue.....lucky for him.

Sending lots of hugs.

Permalink Reply by Robin Jone on November 12, 2011 at 1:39pm

Hi my name is Robin, I am new to this group but not new to grief. I lost my mom when I was 8, my dad when I was 18, and my brother when I was 35, and many other members of my family. On September 3rd, I suffered my greatest lost imaginable. My son, Zach, (23) was on a fun trip with his friends, it was his friend's bachelor party weekend. They were hiking and Zach fell 80-100 ft. from a waterfall. The accident  happened around 1 p.m. that Saturday, and my husband and I didn't find out about the accident until around 7:30 p.m. that evening. It took the rescue workers approximately six hours to get to Zach. It is so strange because it is almost exactly how my brother passed away. He was in Alaska with a friend, they were mountain climbing near a frozen waterfall and the rope broke, and my brother and his friend both fell about 100 ft. What are the odds that that could happen twice in someones family. I think I am still in denial about Zach, even though I was able to see him. Medical personnel did not want me to see him but I insisted. I did not get to see my brother after he passed away because they didn't find his body for three days. I keep waiting for him to come through the front door. I just had my 54th birthday, and it just didn't seem fair that I could have another birthday but that Zach won't be able to have his birthday in December. I know I am so blessed to have three daughters, and two granddaughters, without them I don't think I would be able to get out of bed in the morning. How do I keep going. Sometimes I seem to be functioning well, I keep busy working and watching my granddaughters, but as soon as I'm not I am over come by grief. The anxiety and grief sometimes make it hard to breath. How did you all get through this? My husband, when he doesn't have to work, pretty much sleeps. I just want to be able to hug him one more time, to tell him I love him one more time. I know you all know how I feel, any words of advice? I am sorry this is so long. Robinsouthcarolina

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