Unbearable sadness

I'm missing my dad so much that I don't know if I can take the sadness. I know with time it will get better because I was incapicated with grief when my mom died, but this has much more guilt associated with it.

 

My dad's last few years of life were spent in pain, being intimidated by horrible people taking advantage of him, and not being able to pay his bills. I didn't know it was going on and I wasn't there to stop it. What kind of daughter doesn't check in on her dad when he's old?  I stopped being mad at him a long time ago, but I was too stubborn to contact him again. My dad's house has been ransacked for years. Personal things handed down from his parents and grandparents are gone for good. He's gone as if his life didn't matter. To the people that took advantage of him he was just a stupid old man. He worked hard all his life and deserved to live comfortably in his old age. That didn't happen. I can't ever forgive myself for letting this happen.

 

His life did matter. I always loved him, but I buried it for so long. I missed him and never knew it until now. Now I can't tell him. I didn't even get to say good-bye. I can barely even function. I can't eat or sleep. I have had Lyme's Disease for the past year and a half and I'm now making it worse again, but I feel I deserve it.

 

Thanks for listening. If it wasn't for my sweet son, my fiance, my sister and brother, I would hate to think of what I might do to myself.

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Permalink Reply by Shantel Collins on September 3, 2011 at 7:16pm
Sometimes I feel like I deserve the pain in my life too, for not being a better sister to my brother before he was shot to death at the age of 17. When my brother was hit by a car years ago, I could have visited him in the hospital but i didnt. When i was trying to get closer to other people and spending thousands on myself and others, I should have done more for him. We grew apart as we got older, and I had resentment against him because my mother treated us different. It was wrong of me to take it out on him. I remember telling him that I hated him because we got into a stupid fight over the tv, and now its too late to take it back. However, we are all human and make mistakes. Beating ourselves up does not do our loved ones any justice. Punishing ourselves will not fix anything and it wont make you feel better. I believe my brother wants me to do better. He wants me to use this energy to become a better person like he is and do better within the world. If I continue to suffer, that will do nothing. I am useless that way. That does not make the deceased feel better. When you advance to a higher spiritual plane, you release anger or sadness. You simply want your loved ones to climb up with you.
Permalink Reply by christianlee on September 11, 2011 at 3:41am
I feel your pain. I lost my dad two months ago and was not able to tell him goodbye. He was gone before me and my three boys got to the hospital. We were close we nearly saw him everyday. I am very sad and feel bad that I didn't see him the day before or that morning. Why I didn't get to say goodbye?? It truly hurts my heart.

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