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Permalink Reply by Sally on September 1, 2011 at 4:10pm

Lynette,

 

So sorry for your loss. We all have things we regret that wish we could of done differently when they were here on earth,but I believe your father is smiling from above and wishes you weren't hard on yourself. He probably understands now the pain and the heartache he caused you and your mother and wishes he could of been different. If you ever go on amazon.com try picking up a book called "We Don't Die" by George Anderson. I think you would enjoy it like I did, or you can even checkout his facebook George Anderson (medium). Me and my husband were not the kind of people that believe into physic mediums but all changed after his passing. I don't know where I would of been if it wasn't for him and his books. It's not for everyone and I will understand if you don't want to bother, I'd just love him and he has helped so many. Good luck and GOD Bless.  Sally

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Permalink Reply by Shantel Collins on September 3, 2011 at 6:30pm

I have feelings of guilt too. My brother was only 17 at the time when he was shot. I felt like I couldve been a better sister to him. Just when I wanted to change, he was killed and my opportunity was taken for me. I always thought that I would have another chance. However, I realize that beating myself up will not reverse anything that I did. It wont change anything or bring him back. The only thing I can do is use this as a lesson and become a better person. I would like to think that my brother is not holding anything against me, and is rooting for me to advance just like he did. I am going to use these lessons to become a better person and advance my spirit closer to him. I know my brother was a much better person than I gave him credit for. And since he is such a better person than me, I know that he loves and forgives. I should have been a better sister and made better use of the time we had. However, I have to accept what happened and use this situation to break the cycle of negativity in my family. I wont allow evil to win.

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Permalink Reply by Lena Kaplun on September 5, 2011 at 1:40pm

I'm so sorry, Lynette. What's helped me with the guilt and the empty soul-sucking gash in my heart is making my parents part of my life in their death. I grew up in San Diego and we spent a lot of time at the beach, so I put sea shells on their graves and just hang out, writing in my journal. I have old photos around and sometimes I wear my mom's old dresses. So, even though your dad didn't get to meet his grandson, you can tell your son stories about what your dad was like when you were a kid, when things were good. You can piece together what you know of him as a person, continue the dialogue even though he's not there anymore.

The effects of stacked grief are really strange sometimes. My parents and paternal grandparents died within an eight month span of one another, my mom last. My dad had a sudden heart attack, and his parents followed that summer. My mom had been battling cancer for a few years by then and she was planning funerals while undergoing chemo. While she'd been dealing with cancer (I was probably 12 or 13 when that started), my dad and I were always at the hospital, we'd bring her home-cooked meals, do physical therapy exercises, eventually I was injecting her medicine when she came back home. When my dad died, my mom's mom moved in with us and I somehow became the unruly child that got in the way. Meanwhile, my grandma was dealing with her own grief, that she was about to lose her daughter. She took charge of the situation, but I felt isolated. So, I withdrew from everyone, my mom included. When she was in the hospital after my dad's death, I would visit once every week or two, because visiting meant visiting with my grandma and/or uncle (I was barely 15 around this time). And I wasn't there when she died. I was sleeping and no one thought to wake me up until after the fact. There was never any closure and I can't shake the feeling that I was a bad daughter at the end, five years later. I just have to trust the kind, wise woman I know my mom to be, know that she somewhere in there, even if my actions hurt her, she forgave me.

Sounds like your dad was coming from a similar space. He wanted to reach out to you and he wanted to apologize. He saw his fault and he didn't blame you for it. So, count your lessons. It sounds like under your grief, there's a piercing high-note of forgiveness. :) And that's beautiful.

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Permalink Reply by christianlee on September 11, 2011 at 3:57am

i was unable to tell my dad goodbye. He had knee surgery two weeks prior and died of a blood clot. I just saw his health declining the last week and wish I would have suggested he go in to the ER. Bur he had a full check up two days before he passed and the doctor said he was okay..... I just feel maybe I could have prevented this in some way. I didn't like seeing him like he was giving up in the end. I feel sad and just wish I would have done more. I miss my dad so much. Three days before dad died my son bought me a guardian angel coin. Ironically it has dads birthstone in it. And my dad's two watched he wore...stopped a month after his death at the same time he passed. 11:11. I have read that is a good number...it means angels.....this is comfort...but just soon have my dad back.

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