Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Robert Matthews on March 11, 2018 at 1:16am

What I have said so far:

As well as can be expected.

Better, as far as I can tell.

Not so well.

Just awful. (The usual response is, " I'm sorry.")

Usually, no one inquires further, which is fine.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 23, 2011 at 8:32am

You said it just like I feel it!!! I agree with all that you just said and it is so UNFAIR!!!!

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 23, 2011 at 8:25am

I answer, "I'm just trying to get through the day" or, "I'm coping".  Sometimes I just tell them I am not so good or am feeling ok for now. It really depends on who it is and how sincere they are.

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on September 11, 2011 at 6:22pm

I also try to turn it onto the other person by not answering and rather asking how they are doing... sometimes I say okay just because I am at work and no one wants to hear it, but I always think to myself, "LIAR."  Good thing I'm not in that Jim Carrey movie...  Recently a friend lost her husband, and the person who owns the crematory where Silas was cremated was at her house as she was having her husband cremated there.  He turned to me, once he realized who I was, and said, "how are you doing?"  I responded without missing a beat, "Changed."  I think that expresses it best for me.  I am forever changed...

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on September 11, 2011 at 8:27pm

Hey lorraine...."changed" is perfect! I couldn't agree more. Some people just don't know what to say and feel compelled to say something. I get that feeling too that certain people, most people actually, really don't want to hear how we are truly feeling. I still usually say that I could be "better", so much better. I still struggle with not taking it personal when people ask me stupid things, it's awkard for some, they don't realize that sometimes silence is golden or to just simply say that they are sorry for our loss and they can not imagine what this feels like especially if they don't. I will forever be broken.

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on September 12, 2011 at 8:46pm

Karen, yes, forever broken.  It feels hard to keep going some days, but really, for me there are no other options.  Still, yesterday I felt like I don't know how to do this for the rest of my life.  UGH.  You are in my thoughts.  sending love

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on September 12, 2011 at 9:28pm

Lorraine and everyone, the thought of going on for the rest of my life without my son just increases my sadness and my anger. I try to avoid counting the days, months and soon to be years that my son passed over/away. It just reinforces that I burried my child, which still sounds and feels foreign to me. Some days i just scream, some days I just have to hit something or kick something........never a person, I don't want to go to jail, lol!.....I feel like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. I have had many, many days, when I thought of driving myself to the emergency room to have myself admitted in the psych unit, I didn't know what else to do but somehow I would get pass it. I still can hardly believe that I am a member of such a group as this...........Online Grief Support! I never imagined that I would experience this kind of pain in my life-time.

 

Thanks so much for listening and for all of your support.

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on September 13, 2011 at 6:23am

I too have thought of checking myself in for help at times.  It is something that should not be taken off the table as an option if needed.  I believe that anyone who feels seriously suicidal with a plan should talk to someone.  I think it might be the difference between feeling so miserable you would walk in front of an oncoming bus, or feeling so miserable that if you were crossing a crosswalk and a bus came along you wouldn't hurry across... does that make sense?  Usually I realize if I were to sign myself in somewhere I would not have internet access, or be able to pay my bills, or stay on top of the fund I started to help other young adults with cancer.  I know my girls would worry as well, but if I  really needed to do this, they would understand.  I did go into the ER shortly after Sy's death, and was having a huge meltdown.  The young doctor in attendance looked at me & said, "you will have to find ways to deal with this."  I asked him if he had children, he looked at his shoes and said no, and so I had a few choice words at that point.  Not proud of it, but seriously?  Send someone with compassion and understanding at least what it is to be a parent into that room, thanks.  Hang in there as best as you can Karen; this is not an easy life and I every day is a day we think of our beautiful children.  Today I am just so grateful for this sweet boy who grew into such an incredibly generous and intelligent man; someone who believed strongly in social change and would give you the shirt off his back.  Thank you my Silas River for being my son~

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on September 13, 2011 at 3:57pm

Thanks Lorraine for your continued support. That's unfortunate what happened in the ER, some people have no compassion.

Permalink Reply by lynne thompson on May 11, 2012 at 11:25pm

This is so true Lorraine, I know that people do not get it when you loose a child , they have no idea what to say or do.....I wish I had friends that understand how awful this is to go through a death of a child.....I am so sorry about Silas, and I feel the same way, about my sons Terry and Bobby...thank you for being in my life...........

 

Permalink Reply by Holly Jean Comstock on December 15, 2011 at 12:17pm

I struggled so much in having the response I needed on those surprise runins with concerned friends, so much so I have isolated in order to avoid intensifying my grief hence, the advice and how I should be grieving by all the helpful curious souls just left me feeling bewildered and feeling the only way to listen was to nod and then forgive any unwelcome cooing over my grief. I don't need to be rescued or fixed,cured therefore I have been strategic with planned scripts I can utilize and deliver in a calm and sensitive communication. I have to remember everyone  wants to help,  LOVED ONE PASSING AWAY MAKES EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE AND SENSITIVE AND THEREFORE IF I CRINGE AT WHAT THEY SAY I just need to forgive them and realize they are just human and so am I

Permalink Reply by Kitty Peine on August 2, 2012 at 10:21am

Hi, This is the second time I am going through the pain of losing a son.What fits for me as an answer to this question is, "I am....OK. And I am going to keep saying that until I really am OK. Then when I am OK, I am going to say I am "great" until the day arrives where I really am great...but don't hold your breath." That is just what works for me.

KP

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