Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 19, 2011 at 7:54pm

Hey Norma. I always thought that my faith, no matter what anyone's beliefs are, was very strong. I had always viewed myself as a" good" person and a good mother. My children are my life. Before I lost my child, I had always prayed for my children's well- being and protection, I always asked forgiveness of any of their mistakes, I always begged God to have mercy on them. I even chose a profession that I have always known was my calling, Nursing. I always felt like it was my purpose. I have always treated my patients like they were my children or my family. I gave care the way I would want to be treated. I thought that all of my good deeds, God would always find favor with my children. Well, when I learned that night that my son was critically injured and his prognosis was so poor, I prayed, I begged with every part of my being, for God to spare my son's life and give him another chance. I pleaded with God that my son didn't deserve this and begged for him to prove that there are such things as miracles. I asked God to take into consideration all of my good deeds that I did effortlessly. I even bargained by asking God to take me instead, let us trade! There were literally dozens of family, friends and co-workers at my son's bedside praying for my son. Even strangers that worked there or visitors visiting their loved one, would stop and say a prayer for my son's recovery. This continued the whole week that my son was in ICU. That dreadful day, when I was told that there was nothing left that they could do for my son, all I could do was scream from my heart and tell them that they MUST do something!  All I kept saying was "that's MY son"!! I never prayed the way I did. I felt like I died with my son, I was so angry and I am as equally today as I was then. The first 6 months, my faith was totally destroyed, I refused to pray and it only made me more angry when people would tell me to pray. I would say, for what!!!!  I have never returned to work. I would be totally pissed when I was told that God does not give us more than we can bare......I would say that's bull$h!t.  As for this moment, I still can't pray after these 18, 19, 20 months but I am a little more tolerant of others telling me that I need to pray, I wouldn't even entertain that conversation before. I tell them that I am not perfect, I am only human and a mother and I have a heart or had one, it's totally broken and I am angry, I am angry at myself for not being able to save my son and for all the petty arguments I had with him, I am angry at the people responsible for my son's demise and I am angry at God or whatever higher power there may be, I am mostly angry that the world is going on WITHOUT my son, I know that may sound crazy but what do people expect from a crazy person. If"prayer or faith" provides comfort for anyone in my situation or worse, I say great for them.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on July 19, 2011 at 8:40pm

Karen, Some days I don't even have to post. I just read yours and I say Karen nailed it again that's exactly how I feel. I just attempted to sort through my daughter's things, not going happen today. How can someone's whole life be in one room? She was so much more than her stuff, yet that is all that is left

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 19, 2011 at 8:57pm

Hey Sandra, I feel that way about many of you guys postings too. It's so hard, if not impossible, to make others, fortunately, NOT in our shoes, understand what we are feeling. Somehow, someway we seem to get through each day, no matter how difficult it may be. Some days I'm just so tired of this and I can't take another second and there are others that I just convince myself that nothing happened to him.

Thanks for all you guys support, I really mean that.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 26, 2011 at 11:08pm

Hey Julie and everyone. My son and I were robbed of his life 2yrs on Oct 16th, wow, I cant believe I said that. I try to avoid counting.  Sometimes I ask him why didnt he fight harder to stay with me. I have a tremendous amount of guilt because I couldn't save him and I helped end his life.......my son sustained a massive brain injury requiring full life support and daily catscans revealed that he had multiple strokes, to make matters worse, I am a registered nurse so I was fully capable of seeing the changes on his ctscans but I am his mom first before I would be just his "nurse", I stayed in mommy mode. As 3-4 days went by, they told me that brain death had occured, I absolutely refused to listen to that, all I kept saying is that he would pull through and I truly believed a miracle would happen, after all, this was "Karen's son" for goodness sake! I stayed by my son's bedside for one week, I only left his side when I would have to use the bathroom and even then, my sister or another family member would stay, there were family, friends and coworkers at the hospital 24/7. Most days i would just wash up in the bathroom but a few days I was forced and threatened to go home to take a shower. One day when I came home for a shower, my husband refused to drive me back, he wanted me to stay overnight and sleep while my sister and one of my daughters were there but that never happened, I would have never been able to sleep anyway so that would have been pointless. My husband had to literally feed me and give me tea to drink. After awhile everyone realized that trying to convince me to go home was only making me angry and more stressed. After my son had been there for 6 days, the doctor told me that there was NOTHING else they could do, boy did i scream and beg for them to do something, the next day, i convinced myself that all of those machines were stressing my son's poor body, he was so helpless and looked so uncomfortable to say the least. They had to remove the left side of his skull to relieve the pressure from his brain. So, my stupid ass said that if I remove him from these machines, he will still breathe on his own because in days that passed, he had taken breaths on his own and the ventilator was "assisting"with his breathing. A woman from organ donation approached me and I initially went crazy and then I thought, ok, they can have one kidney and one kidney only...nothing else! I rationalized that many people live with one kidney anyway and besides his body needed abreak from the machines. I was in such denial that I went home while they did the 'surgery' and when they called me to tell me that it was done and I could come and see him, God is my witness, when we were driving there, I became so excited, I truly beleived that he was going to be fine and breathing on his own and that everyone there has witnessed a miracle. I rushed into the room and there my baby was, looking like he was only sleeping, to my amazement, all of his swelling was gone, he looked like is regular self. I tried my hardest to wake him, I begged him to show everyone that the doctors were wrong, I tried to put his arms around me but they just dropped to his sides, I called his name and only silence, he didnt answer. Now I regret that I terminated his life support, I feel like I helped kill him and that maybe he only needed a few more days to recover, I cant help but feel guilty. Briefly, I felt glad that I helped save a young boy's life that very same night that received my son's kidney, I was told that he was critical and his only hope for survival was a transplant, he was 16 yrs old. Now I regret it and I dont think that I will ever want to meet him like I once did. I know that I sound crazy, maybe one day I will feel different.   Thanks to all for listening.

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on July 27, 2011 at 6:06pm

Thinking of you . I know you are going through the same pain as me. Our babies "left" us at the same age. Yes they were just babies. August 13 will be 2 years my baby left me. I'm scared and panicking for this day to come. I share your anger about the world going on WITHOUT..our son/daughter. It's like you just want it to stop because our pain is too unbearable to watch the days go by. To have one more day come that we don't have them. One more day longer since we've seen them. I want to stand in the middle of the street or wherever and just scream! "Don't you people know that someone precious was taken from me? How can you just go on like business as usual? How can you not feel my pain? How can you not hear me screaming and crying inside.My child was taken from me! Does anyone care?!" I scream at God all the time to give her back to me, that she's mine. I scream at her to come back. Nobody listens. Why did this happen? I will never understand or accept it as long as I live. I wasn't done with her yet. I didn't have enough time. There's never enough time.

Take care and hope to talk to you soonn

Hugs

Love

Julie

 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 1, 2011 at 3:04pm

Sweet Julie, so sorry! This is just so sad. I say cry when you want to and scream whenever you need to !!!!! It does provide some comfort, even though so small, just to have someone acknowledge our pain from our loss, just to get some support. I dont worry over making others feeling uncomfortable, especially those that have NOT walked in my shoes. Thanks for listening, love and hugs right back to you!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 9, 2011 at 11:18pm

A poem-"Normal'

My new "Normal" Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realizesomeone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything. Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly. Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away. Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening. Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal". Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby. Normal is making sure that others remember her. Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better. Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one. Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven,but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother. Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food. Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby. Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them. Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God. Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal". 

~Written by someone that knows exactly what I'm going through, this woman loss her baby girl, it does not matter how old your child is, they will always be your baby.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on August 23, 2011 at 4:56pm

Ditto

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 22, 2011 at 12:16pm

Oh my I can understand this!!!! I am in the same "grief place" as you are. My son died from a drowning accident last May and he was 16 yrs old. He's been gone 15 months and somedays I can't even face the world. I see everyone going on with their lives like NOTHING has happened! How can they do that?!?!?! I remember thinking I could NEVER get through the death of a child, yet here I am, getting through it...one day at a time. I still want him back! I want him to come home! I know what you mean when you say you died with him! We will never get that part of us back! What I would like to know is how to go back to work and get through those times when the grief overtakes you??? I thought I had an understanding boss and coworkers, but I think I was mistaken. They don't get it!!!

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on August 22, 2011 at 1:31pm

Hi Cheryl. I'm so sorry for your loss!! Hugs and prayers to you. Karen also!! I lost my daughter just 2 yrs ago last week just before her 22nd birthday. I know exactly how u feel. Everyday gets worse and I wanna scream at ppl when i see them laughing and going on with their lives. I think My God it's just not fair!! Don't u ppl know a precious life is gone!! Can't u hear me screaming inside? Can't u feel my sadness?!!..they will NEVER get it unless they have gone thru it. I hope to God no one has to feel that unbearable pain of losing a child but they just don't understand unless they've walked in our shoes.

Karen I LOVE this poem!! It's so on the dot how we all feel. How can anyone not feel tihs way? Our lives have all been so turned upside down and inside out. It's very sad that losing our child is what we all have in common and what brought us all together but I am very glad I found all of you!

God Bless u both..Cheryl and Karen and all the other grieving parents out there we all have a bond which will never be severed.

Hugs to u both!

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 22, 2011 at 2:00pm

Oh wow!!! I am still crying and I can't seem to stop! This is everything I have EVER felt or wanted to say!!! This is how EVERY MOTHER feels!!!! Thank you so much Karen for writing this!!! Normal will NEVER BE NORMAL like it was before, AGAIN!!! It can't be!!! And ONLY us who have this TERRIBLE AND WONDERFUL Bond will EVER BE ABLE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE!!! Hugs back to you Julie and to you as well, Karen!!!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 22, 2011 at 2:21pm

Hey Cheryl, is that a picture of your beautiful son by your posting? I am so sorry  for the loss of your baby, 16, wow!!!  This pain is too much. How will this ever get "better"?!  It still amazes me that somehow, I get through each day. I talk to my son everyday and I still call his cell phone hoping he will answer, I leave him text messages, hoping he will text me back.  Please talk about him as much as you want, someone here will always listen.

 

Hey Julie, thanks for all of your support, it's like what else can we all do, no one could really understand unless they have experienced this nightmare. I went to a cook out with my dad this past weekend at a neighbors house and after being there for a short while, I couldn't hold back my tears. My son would have been at this same bar bq with his friends that were there. I sat there looking at everyone eating, laughing, dancing, just having a great time and all I could do was cry. I started to wonder if anyone there even remembered my son. Some days are better than others but they're pretty much all bad........thanks for your hug!

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