Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Anthony Cosenza on July 6, 2011 at 2:06am

Hey Micheal, my name is Anthony and I want to extend my condolences to you and your family. I wanted to share some advice that I read some write. This man wrote"

One of the things that'd bothered me a fair amount in the last while was hearing people say, "you're so strong!"  They seem surprised that I'm still getting up in the morning, going to work, getting my bills (eventually) paid, and so on.  The initial reaction was always wanting to scream back, 'Are you NUTS???  Do you have any idea what this all FEELS like?  How in the Hell can you think I'm strong when I'm still so hurt and confused and lost so much of the time?!!"  I certainly don't feel strong.  A lot of the time, I still feel at least somewhat broken, if not worse.  I still have a hard time with memory.  I still cry way more easily than I ever did, and sometimes in response to stuff that "should" be making me happy or feel good.  Some mornings I still don't want to get up and go to work or get going on things.  It still sometimes feels totally unreal, like I've wandered into an episode of the Twilight Zone.

 

The one thing I've come to see that's helped, though, is the difference between FEELING and BEING strong.  A champion weightlifter might be able to lift hundreds of pounds over his head.  I know If I tried that, I'd have bones breaking and muscles tearing and get crushed.  Someone like that makes what's impossible for me look almost kind of easy.  I have to remember that just 'cause he can do that, it doesn't mean that it's easy for him to do.  It's got to be one hellacious strain to do something like that.  I guess that's what other people see when they're looking at me.  They don't know how I keep going in dealing with this.  To be honest, I don't have a good answer for that, either.  But what they're reacting to is what I'm DOING, not how I'm feeling.  I guess that does mean there's some strength there.  That does help me have some hope for getting through this, when I can remember to look at it that way.....which isn't always so easy to do." I hope this helps you in some way,shape or form. Thank care and still strong.-Anthony

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 8, 2011 at 8:12pm

Thank you much Anthony.  I have been surviving all of this grief crap somehow!  

I remember hearing someone say when I was very young, that if you talk out loud 'to your feelings', you become more able to dilute some of the sorrow, deep seeded emotion.  So, when I am alone (don't think that I am crazy)

for example, on my couch, I picture grief sitting on the couch with me, and I let that grief have it.  It's amazing how much stuff comes pouring out.  It is a relief, it wakes you up from living in the past, from the negative emotions.  I tell the grief that you can let me down and run me into the ground if you want to, but I will always get back up, and one day my foot will be on your throat, and you'll never control me again!

Grief is such an enormous human emotion.  It actually emits cortizone into our body that can affect our immune systems, and cause disease.  

I just wanted to thank you for your reply.  You are right, the feeling and the strength issue.  

We are only human, and everything we feel is basically life and ourselves.

Thank you again and best of luck to you!
Michael 

Permalink Reply by Julie Dolsey-Weiss on July 8, 2011 at 5:50pm

Very nice post, some days it is easier than others to be optomistic. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mom and your wife how tragic. When you lose a parent it takes a big part of you, i lost my dad in 2005 and could never imagine losing my mom but she died in 2009. When you lose your parents, you lose your past because nobody remembers you as a child quite like your mom.  We had gotten very close in the last three years of her life and i feel priviledged to have shared them with her.

 

I feel so blessed that i had the parents i did if i could choose my parents I would choose them. I look forward to seeing them one day. I dont have much support all my real family is gone, i have two friends but they dont get it. I have stopped talking about mom with them. They dont know how it effects you when both your parents are gone and being an only child.

 

As a tribute to them i must move on and be happy.  My heart hurts so much cause she died one day before her bday and its coming up. One foot in front of the other, right?

God Bless

Julie

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 8, 2011 at 8:25pm

I appreciate your reply Julie!  

You are so right about friends not knowing or being aware of this.  

People just don't know what this world has in store for them.  

If you ask me, it is a whole new level of consciousness that opens up in us all when grief arrives.

We can only let it run it's course, and then strive to be happier than when we were going through the grief.

When my mother passed away, it was so hard.  Even for my wife, you would have thought it was her mother.

Then the love of my life left me and my 7 yr old boy, and my 14 year old step-daughter.  Then to top it all off,

my mother-in-law got power of attorney from my step-daughters real dad, and swooped her out of our home.

It was a retaliatory move.  She always resented me for taking her daughter and granddaughter away from her.

She actually found a duplex for my wife and me to buy 4 years ago, only so that she could live in the other half.  

The term 'interfering mother-in-law' is much too mild to tag onto her.

What kind of grandparent, after losing their child, goes and removes one sibling from the other surviving sibling?

Have you ever heard of this?

Hope you feel better, and may your mothers birthday bring you all of the love she has for you, and thank you for the kind words!
Michael 

 

Permalink Reply by Marianne grucza on July 25, 2011 at 7:11am

(((( HUGS))))). To you wow hinny it has been one week today since wee buried my mom last night I actually felt a little joy come in my heart, now this morning a little harder , so is everymonday not only the start of work week but the bad day for me I am 45 feel like a kid , I wish there were better support groups in our area. Is there a facebook page? For people like this I guess it would be better if my brothers would be more loving thet are nowhere to be found when things got thick they got thin I have my hubby and sis and ppl at work my pastor but it seems to be never enough ! I need all the love I can get. I hope your doing ok today

Permalink Reply by Marianne grucza on July 25, 2011 at 7:12am

My words seem weird I am on an iPad and it self corrects words

Permalink Reply by Marianne grucza on July 25, 2011 at 7:15am

Can I ask one more stupid question is it recommended to go to the grave site or stay away

Permalink Reply by Meggie Meg on July 26, 2011 at 8:46pm

Going to the grave site really will help you get closure. You'll feel a bit better afterward. Peaceful, even. Don't wait too long to do it.

Permalink Reply by Marianne grucza on July 26, 2011 at 7:07am

Sweetie. I am not sure .but it has been a week today we buried mom I still wake up with a empty heart but when my hubby took me for a ride around Erie peninsula . I started feeling a little joy or adrenaline rush but I felt happy and sad at the same time do u feel this yet anyone?

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 26, 2011 at 10:32am

Marianne,

It is great that you have your husband to share the grief with!  

Also, you will feel sadness, then some comfort in realizing you have him to share the grief load with.

I have not been able to go to my wife's grave at all since she passed on 4-1-11.

Am taking my time with this.  Actually am very much afraid to go.  Just don't want the grief to send

me back.  Also, my 7 yr old son is having trouble coping with his 14 yr old sister moving out, thanks to

my mother-in-law taking her away.  What a great one she is huh?  After my son lost his mom, his grandma

takes his sister to live with her.  Wow.  I will never understand that!

Take care and stay busy with outings, recreation, projects, but always love the person that we lost!
Michael 

Permalink Reply by Marianne grucza on July 26, 2011 at 11:40pm

Yeah family at this time seams to get nasty my 2 brothers are being cold the one has turned my daughter against me ( kicky a when your down). Does your daughter love you even though she moved ? Yeah my hubby is doing the best he can but none. Can really take the pain away , well I should say the big empty spot his mom passed in his arms when he was 16 , then it was a few years of drugs and alcholol your welcome to friend me on face book I am married but I play city ville and farm my son has it and stuff you don't have to but I ammextending the invite to you ,

I heard a nice thing today fromma coworker. God gave me 2 shoulders to rest your mind and get a hug in 45 years I realized why God made them to comfort someone else Have a good day I don't know u but I love u.

Permalink Reply by mercy on October 1, 2011 at 3:36pm

Anthony Cosenza; your answer really does help me out a lot. I'm dealing with so much loss in a short period of time and people who know me also think I'm strong but deep inside, I'm falling apart. I manage to keep it together and put on a happy face everyday, more so; I do it for my two year old.

Mercy.