Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Semary Rose on July 6, 2011 at 9:21pm

sorry for your loss.  I, too, was left with children after a short marriage.  No addiction problems, but traumatic nonetheless.  I hope you and your child are feeling ok today.

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on July 6, 2011 at 10:58pm

That's a beautiful post, Michael.  Thank you for sharing it with us.  I didn't find out 'til after my wife's suicide this last February that she'd been abusing prescription drugs for awhile, using them with alcohol to sleep and not deal with some of the other stuff going on with her, about which I only have guesses.  The medical examiner's final report said she died of multiple drug toxicity, which fit with what the police found in the hotel room where she'd gone to end her life.

 

Yeah, at first it's just one breath at a time, and even that felt overwhelming at times.  Then it got to where I could handle one thing at a time.  Then a few things.  Most of the time now, I feel like I can at least handle the day.  I'm not sure how I got there beyond having just kept living and talking to people and journaling and staying open to whatever feelings came up....no matter how uncomfortable they were.  It truly is amazing how much we can still feel, even after a tragedy like this.  I know sometimes it hits really hard and then fades for awhile, but it's never stayed completely gone.

 

It's good to hear someone else has been through similar things.  Thanks again for putting this up and sharing it with us.  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 7, 2011 at 4:40pm

Thank you Sean.  Very much appreciate your reply.  I can related to the 'only have guesses'.

For quite a while, around this last year I would express to my wife how much she is scaring me.  She was in intensive care around last Thanksgiving for 15 days.  To this day I can't believe that she wasn't recommended to go to a rehab/detox center.

I have had a lot of guesses also, but everyday I have to learn to let them go!  There really is no answer when the damage is done like this.  

My wife would get up in the middle of the night, early am hours, and follow her dosages while including the normal sleeping hours.  I couldn't get through to her that the waking hours were for her dosages, not the sleeping hours.

I found out from an attorney that the part of the Death Certificate that reads 'accidental overdose' can actually be put there to cover the Doctors.  I am not sure how, just sort of misleading maybe.

Thank you again for the words and support.  Am glad that I am not the only one that lived with this.  

Have a wonderful day!

Michael 

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on July 8, 2011 at 11:50am

You're welcome, Michael.  Glad I could help some.  I know I'd mentioned to Ariel a few times how I was worried about how she was living, but I never brought it up much because she always got upset when I did.  At the time, I was just trying to hang in there through it all, hoping things would work out.  I didn't find out about her mixing pills and alcohol until after she was gone, and that was a hefty additional shock of its own.

 

I'm sorry we're both having to deal with this.  At the same time, I'm glad we can help each other (and other folks, too) to get through it.

 

I hope the day treats you well.

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 10, 2011 at 5:51pm

Sean,

My wife had prescribed a bottle of cough suppressant, or tylenol w/codeine, for her strep throat, and the 2 narcotics, codeine and hydrochordone, along with sedatives from a Psychiatrist were too much for her.

I have an attorney looking into why the codeine was prescribed at all, since she was on a detox program at the pain clinic for the hydrocordone.

It was difficult to keep up and watch after her, her dosages, prescriptions, there were so many.

I also found out that when some doctors ask the general question "What medications are you on?"

They pretty much believe the patient.  I had to tell Jami's psychiatrist that she was still on pain-killers, and her Psych was shocked and replied, "She told me she wasn't on them anymore!"  

The codeine was prescribed from our family doctor, who lied to me over the phone saying that "I did not prescribe that to her"

Sure glad I have a lawyer checking this out because something is wrong.

The last thing I care about is a lawsuit/payout, rather, just a little justice and order.

Talk later Sean!!
Michael 

Permalink Reply by Jordan on July 9, 2011 at 8:36am

Im sorry I dont get on here as much as I should, you're very strong. Im sorry you had to lose your wife, I hope you and your son are doing okay. My 8 year old daughter was there when my brother passed on, in the same way as your wife. She's resilient, more that I can explain. But, Im not handling this at all... Lyle passed in December of last year, and it hasnt gotten easier yet! I miss him everyday, terribly. He was my best friend. I finally figured out that Im fighting grief tooth and nail (didnt even know it was possible to fight grief- I thought it just "happened") I dont want it to be real. I cant accept it.  

Lyle had a broken back, but honestly he had a pharmaceutical pill problem big time... Obviously. I didnt know how far it went, how powerful they were, until it was too late.

Im sorry, Im rambling. Im going to take your advice on giving my grief a piece of my mind, its taken too much of my life away and I cant get it back. I sure hope you keep that attitude, because its good for all of us here to understand that, no matter how we feel about it, we are HERE and need to LIVE! Grief can make us feel like life is over. What a terrible feeling that is....

Anyway,   

THANK YOU for the note, THANK YOU for this post right here.

And, again, SO sorry for you and your son's loss. Keep in touch with me if you can...

Jordan

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 9, 2011 at 6:39pm

Dear Jordan,
When I am on the up, (and that's not very often), I look at Grief from the outside looking in, rather than the inside looking out!
You know, when you think about it, grief is so disrespectful to us and in a way, maybe to our lost loved one(s) that we grieve over.
Please, try this, (voicing your refusal to bow to grief) because, it gets your feelings out and you hear your thoughts out loud, and our thoughts can control our feelings, especially when it comes to the feelings of grief. I have sort of compared this ugly grief to a childhood fear of the 'monster under the bed'. It can only go away with your parents voice of reassurance, that nothing is there. So in turn, your own voice can scare this 'grief monster' away, or at least stabilize it. When you think about it, Lyle would not want you to feel this way at all. There is a better place than here and I do believe that you will see him someday.
I keep having dreams of my wife laughing, giggling, and the one of my mom was her shaking her finger at me.
Please let me know and stay in close touch with me. I really want to help people out with this.
Peace and Love,
Michael

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on July 23, 2011 at 10:19am

Michael,

There has to be a better place then here. I believe that once God see's we get his message he allows us to depart this world and enter eternal life surrounded by joy, love, peace family and friends who have gone before us. I put my life in God's hands and accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior after witnessing my mother's faith grow and grow over the past 5 years. I held her hand when she took her last breath - she went home! Without my faith, I would be in a total state of depression and probably do something stupid. My sisters are cold hearted and selfish beyond most. I am pretty much on my own now. I read about everyone's losses and I am just so taken back and moved by the courage I see in everyone. You included. Sue

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 23, 2011 at 7:03pm

Thank you very much Sue!

You're not on your own.  We are all here.  You know, I had a dream of my mother recently, it was in the very same dream I had of my wife giggling.  I was on a downtown street corner waiting to cross the street and here comes my mom and dad driving my convertible. They stopped and my mother was saying something like you wait here and we'll be right back.  She was shaking her finger at me, like she always did.  It was a gesture that always gave me strength.  She would shake her finger and tell me, Michaelino, you have a very strong constitution, and whatever happens in life, you will always make it work out.

I know my mom paid me a visit in that dream.  

You are right about the courage of people on here.  Hey, you have to battle this mess life leaves us in.

This world can be a battlefied, and you have to soldier on!
Bless you Sue,

Michael 

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 23, 2011 at 8:07pm

Sue,

Sort of a similar situation with one of my two brothers and his wife getting POA of my parents' assets.  And the other brother telling me on the phone that "You should take your grief and put it into taking care of Dad a lot more"  followed by "So how are things going for you nowadays, Oh, sorry to hear not doing too well.  Gotta get going have a business trip to get ready for!"

I can really identify with how you feel about your sister and the way that you are treated.

Just do the best you can, and I would look into an attorney because you have that right to the

your mom's will.

Take care,

Michael

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on July 24, 2011 at 8:03am

Thank you Michael. Life can be a battle field. I had lots of dreams about my mom the first 2 weeks after she died. Almost like she was comforting me. I have let her go in the sense that I am not begging for her to be here anymore. She is in a better place now. I am taking this weekend to just get my self together and pray and gather strength. I am going to focus on what is good. It's hard. We had GREAT mothers didn't we!!!!!!! I appreciate your guidance and friendship. Hugs Sue

Permalink Reply by MIchael A Ballard on July 9, 2011 at 7:34pm

Please don't get me wrong Jordan.  The grief process is essential, but it's like you said, when you feel you cant handle this at all, you want your life back and too much of your life has been absorbed by grief.  That's how I have been and I just got tired of it all!   I have my wailing/balling my head off episodes still, so this practice of telling my grief off is probably part of the anger stage?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  Whatever it is, it sure feels good!

Michael

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