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How do I handle an aunt who is spreading gossip about my sister's death?
My sweet 35 year old sister, Jen, passed away on the morning of June 24th. She went into the hospital on the evening of the 23rd and was transferred to another hospital in the middle of the night before she died. Noone is sure of what the cause of her death was. She did have various health issues and had been in and out of the hospital for years. At my sister's wake, my 6 year old son came up to my husband and I while we were receiving friends and family and said (unfortunately kind of loudly) 'Auntie Jen died b/c she took too much medicine.' My husband and I were shocked, but my mother sent a dirty look at me b/c I think she assumed that I had said that to him. My husband asked him who told him that and he said it was my 15 year old cousin. I was shaking w/ anger b/c I know he heard that from his mother. We are not sure exactly what caused my sister's death and have to wait 6-8 weeks for the coroner's report. My younger sister's fiance told me that shortly after her death, my sister's live-in boyfriend told him he tore apart their house searching for any and all prescription and over-the-counter medications. He did a thorough job and even dumped out each bottle and counted the pills to make sure she was taking the prescribed amounts. To all appearances she did as far as he knows. My aunt had 'confided' in me a year ago that she told my mom and my younger sister that she suspected my sister was abusing prescription drugs and almost had me convinced. My sister (whether she knew what my aunt was saying or not) had told me at one point that she had talked to her doctor to see if there were any prescriptions that she could do w/o. I am so sick to my stomach thinking about my aunt talking to who knows how many people about my sister's cause of death as if it were a fact while my sister lay only a few feet away in her casket. I don't know how to handle this b/c in their grief, my mother and surviving sister are going to that same aunt for comfort almost everyday. She is just so two-faced and is making me so sick that she's offering my mother and sister comfort to their faces, but going behind their backs saying crap like that. I've told my father about this, but not my mother or sister b/c I think they're emotional states are too fragile at this point. Does anyone have any advice as to how to reconcile either this issue or help me deal w/ my feelings toward this. Thank you in advance for your comments.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on
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Don't let your anger become part of the love that you have for your sister. It is way to easy to let that happen than it is to just let it go. Your sister is at peace. My mom died 7 days ago. My sister Stacey (age 52) is AWOL probably getting as high as she can to numb her pain. Please do not make this a bitter battle. It will change NOTHING but push your family away from eachother. Love and accept your sister and no matter what the autopsy report says or what any person "confides" to you...let only love be in your heart for your sister. My family is the poster child for dysfunction. I am completely alone in this world except for the kindness of my friends. I know all about secrets and deception. What you carry inside of YOU is important. We are on this site to help eachother. Did I help???? Sue
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Permalink Reply by Heather on
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You helped a little, Sue. I'm not angry w/ my sister, but w/ my aunt for making these accusations at her wake. I have a strong feeling that the coroner's report is going to show something other than drugs were the cause of death. I love my sister and miss her terribly. I just hope that my aunt is seen for who she is for gossiping like that at Jen's funeral. I think she's wrong, but I still have time to wait until that report.
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Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on
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Hi Heather,
I'm so sorry for your loss, and the insensitive things people do as we are grieving. I presume this aunt is your mothers sister, there really is nothing you can do when poeple want to gossip. If you confront her the situation may turn out to be worse, I personally would sit my mother and sister down and ask that they not discuss your sister's business with anyone else. Your sister is not here to defend herself, even if the case is she took to many medication's does that make her death any easier for anyone, I don't think so. You are grieving terribly now and focusing on gossip that you aunt is spreading will only make your grief that much worse. Remember you sister and all the memories you had together and the love that you shared and don't let negative gossip take you away from that. Try to journal you feelings and talk to your husband so that you don't build up resentments. People that gossip are usally not happy with their own lives so they talked about others to take the focus off themselves and their own short comings. Please know that you will be in my prayers, this is a safe place to let out your feelings because we are all in different states of grief and have had similar feelings. God Bless,
Denise
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Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on
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Heather, as hard as it is please just try and ignore her. I would try and limit my contact with her as much as possible. I have had to do this one one of my daughter's "friends" they weren't even that close and now suddenly she is the grieving best friend and it is all about her. I'll spare you the details but I have asked her not to speak to me again. My daughter's real best friend , Randi was in the car with her during the accident and spent 5 weeks in the hospital. Randi missed the funeral so we have planned a butterfly release after the headstone gets there. I was just forwarded a Facebook message between the 2 faced friend and another of Kasey's good friends. I was shocked to read that 2 face is planning to start a fight at the butterfly release. The headstone is still 2 months away so maybe it will blow over, but I truly believe some people are just missing a sensitivity chip and they will never think about anyone but themselves. I am very sorry you have to deal with this drama along with your grief. Sandy
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I can understand your anger and frustration at the rumour mongering of this chaos-addicted person. Please forgive the following language but it's how I've always counseled my employees, students, children, and friends. "Assholes weed themselves out." I'm betting your dad listened but was "distant" about it,right? That's OK, he's trying to keep things calm and supportive as broadly as possible. You can come here and vent about the know-it-all, attention seeking behaviors. Something I try to remember in situations like this is what that person is saying/doing speaks VOLUMES about HER and the people you want in your camp are going to figure it out real quick.You don't have to stick out warning buoys about her backstabbing ways. If after the autopsy, she continues to spread untruths and it is affecting any children your sister had, or your mother's well being, you can always warn her that is slander/libel, if it is great enough to stir the waters. Usually this kind of person moves on the next scandal fairly soon, so it probably wouldn't come to that. I'd like to caution all of us that we pick up on this kind of crap from other people in part because it gives us a target for the anger/pain. Putting it on that "loudmouth" just defers a lot of healing because we're not taking care of business with being mad at the loved one for abandoning us, God for tantalizing us with blessings then dashing our hopes, ourselves for our sins of omission and commission. Acknowledging this jerk and the frustration we feel about it is great, especially here where so many "get it". Hopefully, we help each other find ways to move on to the more healing parts of our journey so we're not stuck focusing on people who don't matter.
I'm sure you and your family are going to find a way to hold each other up in this really tough "limbo". Not knowing is so hard because so much is left to our overactive imaginations. I know it's been that way for me. First, it was the autopsy. Then the chemical analysis. Then the crime lab processings. Then the initial deadline for release of the body, being missed. Then the re-scheduled release of the body passing without results. Then not having a new deadline. Then getting a new one with practically no notice, to get the services scheduled. Then still not knowing who killed him. Now 3 1/2 years later the murderer is charged and will be tried. How will that turn out? How bad will the trial affect us? Dear God, please just let them find him guilty. On and on. Yesterday I cried, hard, most of the day. Today, I'm trying to go about the daily business of living. My husband was asking what was wrong, and because of childhood abuse, doesn't do real well handling my anger and frustration issues, so I don't deeply share that much of it with him. Which compounds anger and frustration. Crap cycling. Anyway, today he is pitching in around the house, which is rare. It gives me lots of energy for about 15 min. then I poop out. It's about 15 on and 15 off. I'm trying to just go with it, so he's encouraged as well. He needs support too. My dad was his hero-dad and now Bill feels like he's battling the world alone for his wife and children a lot. It easy to be selfish and forget I'm not the only one hurting around here. I hope we've had some helpful insight for you. We're in your corner :)
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