Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Semary Rose on June 15, 2011 at 8:38pm

Deborah, I am sorry for the ongoing pain.  I am new to grief.  I just lost my husband 2.5 weeks ago.  I have had many people tell me that I should not hang on to the thought that a year will mark some milestone in my grief.  They tell me that a year only means that you experienced everything once, so that you know what to expect the next time around.  However, I cannot see how we could ever let go or get over the sadness and despair of losing our best friends, lovers, confidants, main supports, etc.  I have also heard that the 2nd year can be a bit more sorrowful.  Your husband, like mine, filled a void that will never be replaced by another person or by the passage of time.  I am sad for you.  You are me in one year.  I know this in my heart.  You are in my thoughts tonight. 

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on June 15, 2011 at 9:59pm

Thank you Semary.  I know that it will never go away.  I will probably always get hit by the waves of sadness and tears.  I just have to learn to take one day at a time and deal with the feelings as they come up.  I am going back to school in the fall to complete my certificate program in Alcohol and Drug Counseling and only have 2 semesters left.  I tried to go back immediately after my husband died because that is what everyone said I should do to keep busy and I couldn't do it.  I couldn't function, retain any thing all I did was cry and sleep.  Your grief is so fresh you are probably still in the shock phase.  My love and prayers are with you on your journey through grief.  With Love, Deb

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on June 16, 2011 at 12:02am

The best guess I've got is that we're just not capable of dealing with it all at once.  I don't know if it's the subconscious or the body itself that knows it and hands it out in doses we can deal with at one shot.  I know I get the same thing with the feelings about my wife who took her life a little over four months ago.  I'm not sure how long it'll go on.  Part of me'd love to just get the rest of this over with now.  The rest gets it that I'm going through it at the rate I can.  The waves hit, sometimes not so big and other times intense enough to drop me to my knees.  I keep hearing it'll get better, and I'm taking the word of people who I respect and trust that it's true.  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on June 16, 2011 at 1:46am

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this too.  It is the hardesnt thing I have ever had to deal with.  Sometimes I feel like I am a strong woman and other times I feel so fragile and weak.  I know that pain that drops you to your knees,  Yesterday I felt like sobbing like a baby and I kept trying to hold it back but the tears kept rolling down my cheeks.  A friend gave me a book over a year ago called Finding Life beyond trauma and it is a work book.  I just pulled it out because I felt I needed some guidance of some kind on how to move forward.  It is a wonderful book so far.  It is written by Victoria M. Follette, PHD, Jacqueline Pistorello, PHD.  Using commitment tHERAPY TO HEAL FROM POST TRAUMATIC STRESS AND TRAUMA RELATED PROBLEMS.   mY FRIEND said it changed her life so I am reading it cover to cover.  Right now I need all the help I can get to carry on with my life and get back involved in my career change goals.  I am feeling stuck and I need to move forward.  Baby steps will get me there..  Hugs back to you, Deborah

Permalink Reply by Kelli C. on June 16, 2011 at 6:57am

Hi Deborah,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain.  You have suffered a deep loss from someone that you love very much.  Those waves of pain keep hitting me too - sometimes just coming out of nowhere and hitting me so hard, I feel like my whole world is crashing around me.  I'm not an expert here, but I think that happens because our loss is so great that we can only handle so much of it at a time.  Our hearts and minds aren't able to take all of it in at once, so it hits us in layers.  Unfortunately, it hits us hard. 

In those few moments or hours that we are able to find something to keep us busy or occupy our minds, we find a little sense of relief from it but then once our minds come back to reality, it hits us all over again.  I wish I knew how to deal with this a little better so I could say something to help you.

Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time.  A year really is a short time if you look at the overall picture of life.  Your husband was your everything and since you lost him suddenly and unexpectedly, that just adds to the impact of your loss.  I have been reading as much as I can and one of the books I read quoted Donald Hall when his wife Jane Kenyon died, "We think that their dying is the worst thing that could happen./Then they stay dead".  That is exactly how I feel.  I will never forget hearing those words that my brother died in a fire, but harder than that is the daily realization that he is never coming back.  I think it is the finality and permanence of it all once the services are over and everyone goes back home, and we are left with dealing with the loud silence of the person who is now gone.  Deborah, just know that you are not alone and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on June 16, 2011 at 7:15am

Thank you Kelli.  Your input really makes a lot of sense and is exactly how I feel.  I guess I am at that point where I really relize that he is not coming back and I must carry on alone and find things to keep my mind busy.  I am ready to go back to school because I need the brain stimulation and it is a point of returning to life again and moving forward.  I do believe I am ready.  I am sure that the waves will hit me the rest of my life.  I feel as if I will never be the same again and that a huge part of me is missing.  The emptiness I feel at times is so overwhelming and I just don't know how to deal with it except to cry and release some of the pressure.  I am so sorry about your brother...so sudden, unexpected and tragic.  My prayers go out to you.  Thanks again Kelli ...with love, Deborah

Permalink Reply by Kelli C. on June 16, 2011 at 8:03am

I think once we come to that realization that they're not coming back is when we find our hardest work is ahead of us.  We have been through the shock and overcome the denial and now we have to create a new life for ourselves because the life we once had will never be the same again.  I am so glad to hear that you are going back to school.  I actually went back after 25 years and just graduated with my Bachelor's degree last month.  Your studies will most definitely keep you focused and busy and you have chosen a field to help others.  There is such a great need for Alcohol and Drug Counseling and I think that will be very healing for you.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on June 16, 2011 at 9:51am

Congratulations on getting your Bachelor's Degree.  A lot of determination and discipline is required when you go back to school after so many years.  I've been in the certificate program almost 2 years.  When Randy died I had to take 2 semesters off because I just couldn't function...everything was too overwhelming and I really needed to focus on taking care of me.  Now I am ready and excited about completing the program and my internship.  I would like to pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Counseling but I shall see as it gets closer to the end of Spring.  I have to take the state alcohol and drug counseling test and then work 4,000 hourse before I can become licensed.  Volunteer work hours count too so I do have a lot of work ahead of me but I feel I am now ready for the challenge.  Randy so badly wanted to see me complete my educational goals.  I am 53 and feel 30 something and it is never too late to go back to school.  I chose alcohol and drug counseling because I have been in recovery for 18 years and wanted to help others.  A totla change from being the business manager for Estee Lauder Cosmetics.  That is what I used to do until I hurt my back.  So when I decided to retrain I chose a field that I would get fullfilment from as well as helping others overcome their addictions.  Congratulations again.  What was your major? 

Permalink Reply by Kelli C. on June 16, 2011 at 10:52am

I understand about taking time off.  It is so overwhelming trying to study when there is such a loss.  My brother died March 15, and I came so close to giving up because I just couldn't concentrate, but I decided that since I was going to graduate in just a few weeks, I had to stick it out.  I really don't know how I did it because we had to go down to Texas (where he died) and take care of arrangements and have a memorial for the family down there, and then come back here to New York to have a memorial for friends and family here as well.  It was just too much and the whole process lasted for almost two months, so it was constantly in front of us every minute of every day. But I think my homework made me stay focused on something - anything other than dealing with my grief and all of the arrangements. 

My degree is in Cultural Studies with a concentration in Creative Writing.  I am in the process of applying for graduate studies - in Creative Writing also. You're right - it is never too late to go back to school, and if I don't do this now, I know I probably never will again.  You know I'm rooting for you Deborah and I hope you believe that Randy is smiling down on you and cheering you on as well.  I am a firm believer that our loved ones are still around us even though they are gone from this earth.  I have had several experiences that leaves no other explanation than just that and even though my faith sometimes wavers, deep down in my heart I know we will all be with each other again someday. 

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on June 17, 2011 at 3:26pm

Cultural studies sounds fascinating.  I had a class on Counseling the Culturally Diverse.  It was difficult yet completely fascinating.  Creative Wrtiting huh?  What do you like to write?  I would love to write a book about my husband's and my romance since it was very unique being that he was in prison when we met and married.  He was my best friend's son and she said "Why don't you write to Randy?  He has always wanted to wrtie to you."  you see, I was married for 12 years then separated so I did write to Randy and we just fell in love.  Soul mates for sure.  I am also a firm believer that our loved ones are still around us even though they are gone from this earth plane.  Too many things have happened and things that I have felt that as you say, leaves no other explanation.  I too believe that we will be together again.

Permalink Reply by Kelli C. on June 17, 2011 at 4:52pm

I have learned and grown so much from taking these courses, but I think the greatest thing I have learned is that despite all of our differences, we really are so much alike - our fears, our worries, our pain and our love.

I think it would be great if you wrote about your life with Randy.  I have written two books, one of which is a memoir. They are both in the very early, raw stages and need a lot of work, but I wrote the memoir so that maybe someday it will be published and help others who have gone through the same experiences I have.  And now, I am working on another chapter which is about my brother. I know it sounds so cliche, but writing really is very therapeutic, and even if it is something that is for your eyes only, it is still a testament to what you and Randy had.  And I could almost bet, that if other people read it, they will be touched as well.  Everyone has a story to tell and these stories are what help each of us heal and grow.  And if you do decide to write that book, just write...Don't worry about punctuation, spelling, editing - that can all come later, just write whatever your heart tells you to and you will be amazed at what you will come up with.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on June 17, 2011 at 5:38pm

Kelli, I have always loved and excelled at english and writing.  For the past 11 years I have kept a journal.  I have begun our book but I am finding it too painful to write at this moment.  I will continue the story when the time is right.  As I said, I do keep a daily/monthly journal going to Randy that explore my feelings, thoughts etc and I do find it very therapeutic. 

 

I think it is awesome that you have written memoirs. You definitely have a purpose on this planet!!!

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