Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 18, 2011 at 6:28pm

Oh Sandra!!! I am soooooooooooo sorry. She is absolutely beautiful girl as I am looking at her picture. Is that you with her?  My poor son struggled and was fighting for his life a whole week in ICU-intensive care unit, he stopped fighting on Oct 16. 2009. He had a massive brain injury. I felt so helpless at his bedside all of those days even though I tried to hang on to positive thoughts that he would ultimately be ok. Boy did I want to change places with him. To make matters worse, my son had been there for 30 hrs before I ever knew what happened to him because he came there as a 'John Doe', they couldn't find any ID on him. He had to have surgery right away. I have a memorial at the site where he was hurt, on a tree at the intersection where it occured. For a few months I could not drive pass it but now I visit there often, still in disbelief but i go there to place balloons and flowers. The yellowing marking of where my son was laying in the street is still there after all of this time, including where they marked the front and rear end of the bike. My family hates that I still go there, they don't understand why I go when it makes me feel like throwing up when I look at the markings. Everyone is different, but I guess I go because that it the last place, the last spot, that my son was breathing on his own, I guess I try to connect with that. I mainly maintain the memorial site because I want the person responsible to be reminded of what they did to my son. Without getting into too much detail, my son was chased and rammed into another car, thank goodness for cooperating witnesses. His case is still being investigated. This adds to me having no closure because I need them to be held accountable for their actions. My son's voice was silenced but mine's was not!  I won't ever stop. This also adds to my anger. I still go to the cementery very often, sometimes 4 days a week, I use to go everyday. Every time I enter that dreadful place, I feel like I am in a trance. Some people never want to return to the cementery, I thought that I would feel that way but I was there the very next day after my son's funeral, still in shock. Its weird because I have many days that I regret even going to my son's funeral, its like in a strange way, if I didn't attend, it NEVER happened. Thank goodness for Xanax and Valium, my doctor presrcibed it for me a couple of days before his funeral. At first I was reluctant to take them but my father went to the pharmacy to pick them up and I doubled the dose the morning of his services. I probably wouldn't have gotten through the worst day of my life without it. I ended up flushing all of the pills, including the prescribed sleeping pills down the toilet because I was extremely suicidal and I knew that would be a easy route. I didn't want to cause my other children and family anymore pain. People seem to think that because I still have other children, they make up the void for losing one. Absolutely NOT!! One child can NOT replace another, that's madness! I know they mean well. I am going to re-post a poem for everyone that feels like I wrote it, it truly expresses how I feel.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on May 22, 2011 at 4:59pm

Karen, I thought I was weirdo, but once again you described it perfectly. Even though Kasey was pronounced dead in the hospital 2 days later I too still go to the accident site. We have a little cross with flowers and a balloon. The tire tracks in the dirt are about 5 feet behind the cross. I go to where the driver's seat would have been. The glass from her window is still there. I just stand in that spot because I  know this is the last place Kasey was breathing on her own. My family also think I'm nuts. I'm sure the people in the cars driving by do too but I don't care. I am very sorry about the 30 hour delay in notifying you. That sounds just devastating. I was upset because Kasey was dieing literally 1 minute from our house and actually flew over our house and I had no idea for 2 hours. It was a 65 minute drive to the hospital and i had to drive myself . It was the longest drive of my life.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on May 22, 2011 at 10:06pm

You do give me comfort when you write to me. It helps me know that Kasey is not forgotten and that someone cares about me. I may just not always write back quickly because I still get black holes that I fall in and sometimes it takes a few days to get the energy to climb back into the world

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 23, 2011 at 8:09am

Oh Sandra, how sorry I am to hear that experience you also had. It is just so hard to make others understand what we are going through and why we do the things we do. Sometimes it feels exhausting trying to explain to others that truly don't understand, so I too, really don't try to, depending on my mood.  I can imagine how long that ride felt to the hospital. My ride to the hospital was only 15 minutes but that ride seemed like hours! Thank goodness I had someone else to drive me. My family tried to sugar coat his prognosis before we got there in an effort to try to keep me calm but I had a bad vibe that it was 10 times worst than what they told me. Once I saw my son in ICU on a ventilator, I completely went crazy, my emotions just exploded. I tried to maintain positive thoughts and was hopeful that he would totally recover, I convinced myself of that and I was looking forward to nursing him back to health at home.  This is all so sad.....for all of us!

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on May 23, 2011 at 2:32pm

Karen, My entire family , except my brother, he lives by me, lives in the town Kasey was Bayflighted to. They all got there before me. Before I left the house I sort of knew, because when I asked the officer that notified me if she was alive he said "she was when she left". I called my sister on the way to the hospital demanding she tell me if Kasey was still alive. She claimed they had not told her anything but I heard it in her voice. I KNEW but I still had hope. I see all the signs I missed. When they finally let me back there and I told the nurse thank God, I thought she was dead. I didn't notice until later that she didn't answer she just squeezed my shoulder. I should have realized that they were working like crazy on the person in the next bed, but Kasey was all alone in the corner. I looked at her and she didn't look that bad. I thought we can do this. I will stay by your side for however long it takes. Then the doctor comes and tells you that your daughter has a Christopher Reeve type broken neck. In that split second I thought Oh shit, there is no way Kasey would want to live  like that. We are in big trouble here. It's strange all the things you can think in half a second. Then he tells me she also has unsurvivable brain damage. Then that was it, my baby was gone. Even though she "lived" 2 more days I know my baby died in that car. I went to the cemetery today after work but it is 95 degrees here today and it was just dirt and dying flowers. There was no comfort there today.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 24, 2011 at 8:12pm

Hey Sandra and other members. I can feel your pain and agony that you must have gone through that horrible day. I remember screaming and begging  the doctor to do something for my son when he told me that there was nothing else they could do for him. I was pleading with him and God that this all had to be some mistake! I was yelling "this is my son, do something"! as if my son and I were the only people left in the world. I even begged my son to show them that he had some life left in him. He looked liked he was only sleeping, my sweet baby boy. I still can't believe that he's gone, I will NEVER accept that. I will always long for him. I would give anything just to yell at him again to turn his music down!  Every argument we had seems so petty now, except the one we had about him riding his friend's motorcycle. My biggest fear came true. I know this sounds crazy but sometimes I feel like I caused it to happen because I was thinking it so hard and worrying about it so much because the week before all of this happened, he fell off of the same bike and had some minor cuts and scrapes that he tried to hide from me and when I noticed them he tried to brush me off like I was treating him like a little kid. He said"mom, its not that serious and I was so angry. Just as much as these kids think that they are invincible, is as much as we take for granted that we will always have our children with us. This is enough to make any 'sane" person crazy. Thanks for listening again.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on May 24, 2011 at 9:54pm

 Kasey would have to walk by my bedroom door to get to the bathroom. She weighed about 100 lbs but she sounded like an elephant stomping down the hall. I used to yell at her to quit stomping. I lay in bed at night and I would give anything to hear her stomping feet. She used to leave the kitchen cabinets open too. It used to drive me crazy. I miss that too. My nephew just stopped by and told me that he has always considered me his second Mom. It was nice and it helped a little. I miss my baby girl.

 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 26, 2011 at 9:30pm

Kasey, I know how you're feeling, those "big" things become such petty things. I wish we all had second chances. I am glad to hear that your nephew brought you a little comfort.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 18, 2011 at 6:44pm

Poem about suffering a loss

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.

We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

Permalink Reply by cindy parrott on June 15, 2011 at 11:57am

It has been 8 months since i lost my son who died while surfing in rough surf. His body was never recovered. I have horrible visions of his body face down and wonder what his last thoughts were, if he knew he was going to drown or did he get knocked unconcence before he died. I hope for the latter. I still cry myself to sleep most nights and feel a big lump in my throat most of the time. I'm on "autopilot" as i go through my days get up in the morning, go to work, smile act like everything is ok but knowing i am broken. I really don't want to go on anymore. Once in awhile i'll have a good day then later feel guilty about it. I really have no support system except for my daughter and i hate to pull her down any lower then she already is

I get really angry if i see parents telling their kids to shut up or disipline their kids ( espcially little boys) when they are acting up a little in the store where i work. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say you may regret talking to you child someday if you should ever lose them. I wish I could take back every harsh word i ever said in anger to my boy. 

My son's dad was a souce of support but we have divorced for a long time a married to other people. It isn't that my husband isn't supportive he just doesn't understand how much i'm suffering. He really believes i should get on with my life.I know i should but just can't.

I tried church and praying but really received no help from there and quit going.

I haven't really even come here much because it makes me too sad to read about other losses because i know how much pain you all are going through and no one should suffer this kind of pain.

Sorry for rambling on for so long but thank you for reading.

Permalink Reply by Karen Custy on June 15, 2011 at 1:43pm

HI Cindy

I feel your pain in your words. The sadness is overwhelming at times I know. I lost my daughter to cancer in November 2010 and although we were somewhat prepared, the night she died still haunts me. For months I could do nothing. I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to go anywhere, I just cried and isolated myself. My husband was supportive as much as he could be but unless you have gone through it no one can actually relate to your pain and suffering. And then eight weeks ago my husband got a call from the police saying that his son had passed away the night before at home. This was devastating news to be given out of nowhere. And my husband had not seen his son in over ten years. They drifted apart and only emailed each other infrequently. He had to fly up from our home in Florida to Michigan and make all the arrangements for the funeral. IT was really hard for him. When he returned home the first thing he said to me was "Now I know what you are going through."

For both of us to lose a child within six months was something I never thought would happen. I didn't know how to reach out and then I found this site. And although I don't write often I do read other peoples words. There is a lot of support here and there are amazing people here. It's a safe place to just let go and speak what is in your heart with no fear of being judged. Grieving is a personal thing. Just when you think you will have a 'normal' day the crying starts again. But please know we are all thinking of you and we are here for you.

The pain will lessen in time. We each have to travel our own path and take the journey to becoming a semblance of who we used to be. It will never be the same. But it will get better.

Take care.

Karen

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on June 15, 2011 at 10:08pm

Hey Cindy P. and everyone. I understand that feeling of feeling guilty if you laugh at something or feel the slightest enjoyment about anything. Sometimes I feel like my son is saying to me hey mom, what about me!!!!!  I still find my self being fixated on young men close to my son's age, 21, when I am out in public. I am always searching for him or looking for someone that reminds me of him. A couple of days ago when I was going into the supermarket, I saw this young mother with her toddler son that was between 1-2yrs old sitting in the shopping cart. He caught my eye because he reminded me of my son at that age. The whole time I was in the store, I kept thinking about the little boy and I wanted to rush to see if they were still outside. Well the crazy mom that I am, I didn't finish getting everything I needed and when I went back outside, they were still outside waiting for a taxi. I almost got hit by a car in the parking lot because I kept turning around to look at this little boy. Finally, I couldn't take it, I went up to the mother and begged her forgiveness for staring and explained that her little boy reminded me so much of my son. I couldn't hold it in too long before I burst into tears. I explained what happened to my son and was bold and crazy enough to ask her if I could take his picture so I could show my family and she kindly said yes. I really wanted to hold him but I thought that would have been too far and I didnt want to scare her. I sobbed and sobbed, and I told her to cherish that little boy. Once I was back inside my car, I imagined the same little boy in a casket, with his mom weeping over him! It's so crazy, sometimes I feel like I am going insane.

I so regret the petty arguments I had with my son...........except the one we had over him riding his friend's motorcycle. Who knew that a week after that argument,  my son would end up in ICU for a week before he lost his battle to keep his young life. I think of all the times I used to yell at him to turn down his music, now, I long to hear the thumping of his music. I sure took for granted that my son would always be here. I feel so beat up emotionally that most days its not bearable. Hopefully one day this will change but as I speak today, prayer does not offer me any comfort. I try but I still feel no relief. I can not get pass my anger and sadness. I still try to convince my self that none of this ever happened and that I am dreaming this, including being on this site and posting my feelings.

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