Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Crystal M on June 2, 2011 at 9:51pm

The only thing that I can think of after reading your post is 32. I can't believe how young your husband was. My fiance is 34, and I could never imagine making that decision. He is still too young for me to even think about having to let him go. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your husband? One of the hardest losses that I have had to go through is my grandfather's, my mom's dad. Roughly 30 years ago, his right lung collapsed, and they had to remove part of it. He quit smoking, and he had great lung compacity up until his left lung collapsed about 5 years ago. Two years ago, his lung collapsed again, and he had surgery. He seemed to be doing fine, and he was in good spirits the last time I saw him before they took him to the nursing home for therapy. He was rushed back to the hospital the day after he went to the nursing home, because he had pneumonia. He had it before they took him to the nursing home, and they should have kept him in the hospital until he got better. He was put on a respirator, and at first it looked like he would pull through. Eventually, he could not breathe on his own. As a family, we made the decision to take him off. It was hard, and we kept asking the doctor's if they were sure that he would not get better. It was grim, so we watched them give him a high dose of morphine to relieve the pain, then they took him off of the machine, and he was gone within three minutes. I told him that I love him, and kissed his cheek. He smiled at me, and he tried so hard to talk to us, but couldn't. We saw his chest rise and fall for the last time, but we knew that he was finally at peace. His faith in God was so strong, and I believe that is what made him fight for so long. I can't imagine losing my fiance, I would be so lost. Making a decision like the one you made is very hard, but it is one that ended suffering and gave peace.   

Permalink Reply by charlene aragon on June 8, 2011 at 6:54pm

Thank you Crystal, for the reply, I'm so sorry about your Grandpa... It's a very hard decision to let someone you love go.... I came on this sight hoping, I could a little support from the other people or what ever, but I have gotten nothing, I have had a few people to talk too, but it was short lived, It seems like no one has experienced this, cause no one replied.  When we have to take life support off, we wonder what if?  I know I do.... I held my husband until he passed away, and when I read you reply about the morphine, and his last breath I cried... I hope you are doing well and keeping strong,.... Thank you again

Permalink Reply by Crystal M on June 9, 2011 at 5:42pm

Charlene,

I have been on this site for about a year. I have only met one person on here that I still talk to from time to time. I know that she would be there if I needed her and vice versa. I think that most of the people on here are either too scared to talk one on one with someone, or they are afraid that their grief will scare people away. The reason that we come to a site like this is to talk about our loved ones, and find support for our grief. Many people say that no one understands, but the truth is, we all do. Our exact situations may not be the same, but our grief is the same. We are broken by the loss of those we hold dear, and it helps to have someone to talk to in the healing process. I know what you mean by the what if's. I often wonder if we would have just waited a while longer, what if my grandpa would have pulled through. I wonder what if he was just weak because of the pneumonia, and we would have let him heal more, maybe he would have been able to breathe on his own. There is a void in my life, because he was the one that I could go to with anything, and give me advice without judgement. He never pushed, he only encouraged. I have come a long way compared to where I was when it first happened. I can't say that I no longer miss him, because I always will, but I can say that I am not stricken with that heart dropping grief that I felt before. Everyone has their own way of healing and everyone takes a different amount of time to get to a better place. I have had my fair share of grief throughout life, unfortunately, but I can say that those experiences have made me learn a great deal. If you need anyone to talk to, I am always here.   

Permalink Reply by charlene aragon on June 13, 2011 at 12:11am

HI Crystal

I know what your feeling, I wonder everyday did I do it too soon, could he have made it, and in my heart I know he was brain dead a few days after he coded, but we hope for the best, but expect the worst... I don't know anyone who has gone thru this, and my family supports me, but I don't want to burden them with my emotions... They are all happy , and I feel i'D just bring them down to my level.... This is killing me inside, and all I want to do is go with him....   Im so glad that you can relate to the what if's, Thank you .... .. I cant finish this, the emotions are too much...... thank you!!!

 

 

Permalink Reply by Crystal M on June 14, 2011 at 3:38am

Charlene,

It is hard to share your grief with family and friends, because they may not understand, and I know what you mean by not wanting to bring them down. It is different for everyone, but my experience is that it really helps to physically talk to those you love about your grief. If your afraid that it will bring them down, try to start out by saying that you don't want them to feel your pain, you just need someone to listen. Even if you cry for the majority of the time, it is good to have someone that you trust to talk to, so that you can get your feelings out. My cousin lost her son at the age of 18 months 12 years ago. She had to make the decision to pull the plug, because his internal bleeding caused him to go brain dead. I still can't fathom a loss like that, and I remember all of the tubes and machines. That was no way for him to live. I have only heard her mention him a few times since, but when she actually talks about him, she has a hard time forming words. She has the support of family, and we listen when she wants to talk. We may not understand her exact feelings, but we don't judge, because we know that her loss is big, and I don't see anyone ever getting over something so tragic. I also don't see how a wife can "get over" the loss of her husband. Your loss is something that I can't fathom, but I am sure that any family member that you are close to won't judge or feel like you are bringing them down by talking about it. I don't know what your faith is, but I have always taken comfort in the fact that this life is nothing compared to the life after and I will see all those I have loved and lost again one day. I hope and pray that you can have some form of comfort soon, and again, I am always here.

Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on January 18, 2015 at 12:32am

I am so sorry for your loss, I have also lost my husband of 28 years...

As a medical professional, and some one who has been there also, if the Dr told you your husband was brain dead, and there was no hope of recovery, then you did the right thing. I know how hard it was and still is, but to let him linger when he was no longer there would have been for you and not him. You showed strength that most people do not posses.. I am so sorry that you are going through this at all, I would be honored that you feel you can speak with us.. Do not let dought destroy the love you have for your husband, Remember the best of times and smile with your love for him....He loves you still

Keeping you in our prayers

God Bless You