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Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 2, 2011 at 2:56pm

 

Poem about suffering a loss

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Kerri - posted on 04/16/2009

Poem about suffering a loss

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

I gave a copy of this poem to family members to read as some of them had know idea how to talk to us about the loss of our son Dylan in July 2008 at 22 weeks.

 

 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on February 24, 2011 at 11:21am

I lost my 21yr old son October 16th 2009. He was riding his friend's motorcycle on a residential street. Even though he was wearing a helmet, he sustained a massive brain injury and passed away a week later in ICU (intensive care unit). His helmet was found a few feet away from him.......so I don't know if it was not fastened or if it just flew off. My heart will forever be broken, I feel like I died with my son. My pain is still the same intensity it was when I watched him slowly pass away in front of me. I have headaches everyday since. I am surprised that I have any tears left. My anger is like a ticking time bomb because my son was being chased and I am still waiting for justiced to be served........so far, it's looks like that the parties responsible will soon be held accountable for their actions. I have other children but they do NOT fill the void of losing one. Unfortunately, it was my oldest son that was robbed his young life but if it had been one of my other children, I would be mourning the same way.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 1, 2011 at 6:23pm

Hey Norma, I certainly hope so, no one should have to deal with this alone.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 2, 2011 at 2:28pm

Norma.....same here!

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Gartman on April 6, 2011 at 12:45am

Hello.  I am missing my daughter like hell and she is still alive.  She is 12 years old and hates my guts.  She will not speak to me...tearing me up!!!  I hurt her so badly by having a mom with chronic pain and addiction/behavior issues. I am grieving so HARD and BADLY!!!!  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  Her father's family is psycho too and I worry about her being around them!!!!  I want to commit suicide but I tried already and obviously it didn't work and I think I have brain damage from it. I took a couple hundred pills when my exsaidhe was getting remarried and I knew I was gonna be replaced as a mom!!!!  I just don't know how to deal with this reality.  She took me off her facebook and myspace and said her stepmom was her hero. I can't blame her at all for hating me.  I just don't know how to go on and deal with the guilt, shame, depression and anger.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 6, 2011 at 7:39am

Greetings Cheryl. I am so sorry for your emotional pain, no matter what the cause is. I beg you you to please confide in a service that deals strictly with deep depression with thoughts of suicide or reach out to a close friend or family member for support while you are going through this ordeal. You can call a suicide hotline that is available 24 hrs a day. This site is very supportive but we are all only behind the keyboard, it sounds like to me that you need face to face intervention or help from a professional now....NOT later!  I have had thoughts of suicide the first few months after my 21 yr old son was killed on his friend's motorcycle, so I do understand feeling like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. For me, what has prevented me from taking my own life is the bigger picture of how horrible the effect would be to the rest of my children and family, I decided that I did NOT want to cause them anymore pain. Being able to express my feelings of pain and despair on this site is another method that "helps" me ...so to speak. It helps when your feelings are validated and NOT criticized. It breaks my heart to hear that anyone wants to end their life. I know how it feels when you feel like your life is over and the emotional pain is overwhelming but trust me, ending your life is NOT and NEVER will be the answer. Please keep in contact.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Gartman on April 6, 2011 at 10:31am

Thanks Norma.  I am not going to do anything stupid even though I feel like it.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Gartman on April 6, 2011 at 10:29am

Hi.  Thanks for your reply and caring words.  I am very sorry about your son.  I know it would hurt my son, daughter, grandaughter and parents if I tried to again or ended my life.  I was told that 50% of suicides fail.  I could end up a vegetable in a care home or something and that would be horrible.  Probably be conscious and not be able to speak or move and that would be worse than the hell I am already in.  I'm also scared I would go to hell too.  Believe me I will check myself into the hospital before attempting again. Take care.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 6, 2011 at 4:49pm

Hi Cheryl........thank goodness!  Your response was a brush of fresh air! I know it's hard but just continue to post your thoughts and feelings, I am always willing to listen.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 8, 2011 at 8:26pm

Oh Norma!!!!! I am sorry, my goodness gracious, I don't know what to say, I am sure that I would feel the same way. Can something be done to stop this?!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 10, 2011 at 7:39pm

Hey Norma, I am glad that I can be here to always listen, I wish I could fix it for all of us, in my perfect world.........NO parent would lose their child, NO parent would ever know this pain.

Permalink Reply by Dee Davis on May 26, 2011 at 4:14pm

Celena,My heart is crying with you. I lost my Jamie Sept 09.He had taken some cough syrup with codene and had a fatel reaction. H took it at bedtime Fri. nite and woke up with Jesus. He was my world. Since my oldest sons wife wont let him come around me.Jamie was born with CP and wasn't suppose to live past 15, but he made it to 38, and became an ordained minister and preached 5 different churches and made a tape ministry. I have him on DVD preaching and on mothers day I sat and watched him preach nearly all day.My daughter says I am tortuing myself by doing. But for alittle while he is here.I am trying to write a book on his life and all the hurdles he had to get over in his life with Gods help and mine. I never let him give up on hisself.  Now, WE cant give up on ourselves. and trust that God will help us everyday.  My prayers are with you and all that share our pain.  Dee

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