Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Speed Weasel on February 21, 2023 at 8:17am

Sharon,

I know the feeling on the therapists.  Went through three of them myself.  One specialized in EMDR and that did seem to help...somewhat.  One of the things I think that I liked about it was it was a solution.  Not an endless stream of "See you next week."  However, some of their suggested activities, while resisted for so long, have actually helped.

It is a lonely path indeed.  Each relationship, connection lost is unique and the love that now has no where to go is pent up in frustration.  I think one of the challenges is that we have to figure out our new identity.  That is hard enough to grow into, now we have to pivot and figure out a new one?  Without our loved one?  I am glad to hear that you are going out and trying things.  Try some new things!  Explore what you can become and activities that you may not have known that you would enjoy.

I don't want to recommend a course that will increase your pain, and have no idea of the type of people his family are portraying, so I will just offer my path...Talking with the family helped immensely!  It is a connection that years later is still bearing fruit.  Your situation may be completely different, I get that.  But I would at least answer the call to hear the initial inquiry.  After the initial shock, they may surprise you.

Keep those friends that are willing to stay by your side close.  Seek out some new connections that do not have any ties to your past (less triggers and starts down the path of your new identity).  Keep your head up and keep checking in!  We are routing for you!!!

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Permalink Reply by Sharron Anderson on February 21, 2023 at 9:31pm

Hi Speed,

I hear you in spite of my anger. The only thing I cannot do right now is deal with his family. I don't trust them and I don't want to go thru any drama with them right now. I need all my strength right now. I am a hot mess and it takes every thing I have to keep from giving up. I must have a guardian angel bar none because something is keeping me going when I know I am lost. You are right about identity and finding a new one. I never was dependent on anyone, I have always taken care of me but I knew he was there like my rock. Now, it's just me, myself and I. It is scary to think there is no one but me. There are friends but it's so different and so not the same. I feel my life is just me functioning as a zombie waiting to me extinguished like my finance was. Thank you for routing for me because I sure can't do it for myself.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 23, 2023 at 9:07pm

I can understand not wanting to deal with his family. My husband's family is....not good. His father is well-intentioned and not a terrible person, but he basically abandoned his children when he divorced the bitch who birthed them (she is in no way deserving of the word "mother"). His sister is ok, but she (not surprisingly) has her own issues. He was never that close with his extended family, as they did not step in to help when the bitch abused him and his sister as children. As for the bitch -- I will not cry a single tear when she dies. All of which means I have no relationship with anyone in his family, and I never will -- I choose not to.

Thankfully, my sister and her husband were also very close friends with my husband -- he was like a brother to them, from about two years before he and I got together (they actually knew him for two years before I did). So I can reminisce about him with them.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on January 4, 2023 at 7:04pm

Sharron,
You're definitely not crazy. The triggers, the meltdowns, the wild emotions -- it's all par for this fucking horrible course, for so many of us.

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Permalink Reply by Sharron Anderson on January 4, 2023 at 9:36pm

Hi Bluebird,

I'm glad you told me this because I think I am suppose to be a lot stronger than this. Nothing makes sense and I walk around like a functioning zombie and then out of nowhere, I have a meltdown and then I am angry with the world. It's exhausting. Thank you.

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Permalink Reply by Sharron Anderson on February 8, 2023 at 12:48am

I went to spend time with my family over the holidays and although it felt safe, I felt alone. I had a couple of meltdowns and then I came back and I some more. I am feeling angry about the upcoming valentines day, I feel angry that I will forever be alone. There are people trying to help me but it's like temporary. My life these days is doing what I need to do, dead inside right now and just functioning. Sometimes the emptiness is draining. I can honesty say that life has no meaning and I just exist. 

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Permalink Reply by Speed Weasel on February 8, 2023 at 4:13pm

Sharron, I hear you on feeling alone...isolated.  Some of it is imagined, some of it is actually real.  I know that angry feeling all to well also.

Try to come up with specific tasks for people that are offering help, even if it is something as mundane as mowing the grass or walking the dog.  Those offering help are a special breed, they really do care about you, but they have lives and get busy too.  If they do not know how to help (which in general they really don't) then the offers will fade.  They want you to thrive, they hurt to see you in pain but just are not sure what will be helpful.  Ask them for grace!  You are hurting...immensely.  You may say something caustic, grave, or mean.  Let them know that it is not them, just the pain.

It is okay to be on autopilot for some time.  Self-care is important.  You will emerge (really) and having compounding health issues is not good.  Drink (water!), eat, get out and move around, rest/sleep (maybe the easiest).  Grief is so much an emotional phenomenon, but can affect the physical so profoundly too.

Meaning will come down the line, you have to navigate the grief first.

You are likely not ready to envision a reality where you love and are loved again, but it can happen.  It will be different!  So very different, but can exist.  It is okay for it to be different.  It will be impossible to replicate the connection that you lost, and comparing the new to the old is not fair or realistic.  File that tidbit in the back in your mind.

I know too well of the meltdowns too.  Music is a HUGE trigger for me (and there is so much in that realm that speaks to loss)!  Yet I find myself listening to songs, even developing playlists, that I know are triggers.  Not sure if I am trying to inflict emotional pain on myself or just trying to desensitizing myself.  All to say that even conscious actions we engage in can be confusing, contradictory, and hurtful.  Extend a little of the grace requested from others to yourself!

It is the worst club to be a member of, yet at some point we all get an invite.  Keep checking in with us and updating.  {{{HUGS}}}

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on January 4, 2023 at 9:44pm

I totally get it. I'm ten years on, and all that STILL happens to me sometimes.

I live in the northeastern US. About one month after my husband died, Hurricane Sandy hit us, so pretty much everyone was in crisis. Then for weeks afterwards people were walking around in a fog, for the first week or so unable to even buy food, charge their phones, leave their homes, etc. They all looked like zombies, and I felt that I fit right in to that. Because they were all so traumatized, my personal tragedy and trauma, my inability to act "normal", didn't really make me stand out the way I had been before. The hurricane was so bad for so many people, and I'm sorry it was, but I felt slightly comforted by not needing to maintain a facade of normalcy.

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Permalink Reply by Sharron Anderson on January 4, 2023 at 10:02pm

Absolutely, I try to look normal or whatever that is but I think people can see right thru me. I don't want to have to explain anything for fear I meltdown.

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Permalink Reply by Speed Weasel on February 7, 2023 at 6:29pm

Don't give people too much credit.  They are all so wrapped up in their own lives that they have very little left over to judge you or even comment.
Just excuse yourself and find a private place if that makes you feel more comfortable.  Try to have someone on speed dial that you can contact to help settle down and focus your attention where you want it to go.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on January 4, 2023 at 10:22pm

Try not to worry about what other people think of you. The death of a spouse/partner is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and you are not required to act normally or explain anything to anyone. Just try to take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

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Permalink Reply by Sharron Anderson on January 4, 2023 at 10:44pm

Thank you Bluebird. I appreciate your support more than you know.

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