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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Ugh, I hate it when people say "He would want you to be happy" -- partly for the reason you stated, because I never want to hurt or disappoint him and I worry that I am. Also, partly because he's MY husband, I know him better than anyone else, so how dare they presume to tell me what my soulmate would want?!? Objectively I know that's not really how they meant it, but it pisses me off nonetheless.
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Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on
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And also, I think 'the only person who knows how incredible our relationship was is HIM' so, he would understand how I feel better than anybody else. If it were he who was left here, he would feel the same way I do.
He said to me a couple of times "I hope I die before you because I could not be without you". So, there you go. I think the only condition in regards to who should 'continue to be happy' and who can not go on is who died and who is left to exist here.
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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Oh, man, I hate that line! You nailed it! I can't believe that I am admitting this, but I follow medium Blair Robertson and I like his short YouTube videos. But he uses that line sometimes and drives me crazy!
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I think the only condition in regards to who should 'continue to be happy' and who can not go on is who died and who is left to exist here.
Only that continuing to be happy is ... a chore for some. I may be looking for twenty-five more years in this existence, unless something ... big ... happens.
I don't know what the future holds, but if it happens, then with me still carrying him.
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When I think of potentially twenty to thirty more years like this...years without him...I get sick to my stomach
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I understand what you mean. When people tell me to think about the good times, I think about the good times with her that I can no longer have.
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We're always on the same page. I think a lot of people just don't know what to say and have never experienced the loss of the most important person in their life. And don't get me started on the ol' "moving on" line...
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Agreed. For the most part they're well-intentioned, but all such platitudes are just wrong, and really make me angry.
I had to have a pest control guy come spray my apt. recently (minor problem, easily treated). He saw some photos I have up of my husband playing drums (he's a musician), as well as some of his drumheads which I hung up on the walls, and asked "Who's the drummer?" (the pest guy is a drummer too, apparently). I told him it's my husband, but that he died ten years ago one week after our wedding, and he responded "Well that sucks!".
I SO appreciated that response, and told him so! It was real, honest, and accurate, and clearly his genuine response. I wish more people would respond in that way; I guess people think that responding like that would upset the widow(er), but I, at least, found it refreshing and not at all upsetting.
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Wow - what a direct comment! And it's great that you told him that you appreciated it. That is so refreshing. I actually had to pause when I read that.
Not related, but speaking of drummers I saw Billy Cobham at the Bottom Line in NYC a while back. He was on fire. We were showered in wood chips.
That's a fun instrument to see played in the hands of a master.
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Yep! I felt like "YES, thank you! It does suck, and thank you for recognizing and verbalizing that!!" I mean, I didn't say all that, lol, I just said "thank you, it really does", but that's how I felt.
I had to google Billy Cobham, as I was unfamiliar with the name -- not surprising, as apparently he's a jazz drummer, and I hate jazz. No offense intended to him or to you -- it's a valid art form and there are extremely talented jazz musicians, it's just that for some reason the sound of jazz (especially of the "smooth jazz" variety) makes me literally cringe (truly literally). I do like swing, though. Regardless, I'm sure Mr. Cobham is a drumming master, as you said, and I'm glad you enjoyed the show.
Drums were my husband's primary instrument, but he played a multitude of others as well, to varying degrees -- piano/keyboard, sax, ukulele, banjo, accordion, etc. He would pretty much pick up any instrument he could get his hands on and have at least some degree of facility with it.
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Cobham is one of the greatest of all time. I don't consider him to be a jazz drummer. He plays everything. He has performed with the Grateful Dead, Peter Gabriel, and a host of other rock guys. I hate jazz. He does the jazz/rock fusion stuff, primarily - electric instruments. I agree with you. And Smooth Jazz is the horrible stuff. I have to say that I am not a swing fan, but Buddy Rich was a monster.
It sounds to me as though your husband was a really talented musician - a natural. I envy people with that kind of skill and talent.
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