Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jeff C on October 4, 2022 at 7:40pm

I'm not Bluebird (she really knows about this), but I wanted to say that I am really sorry to see what you wrote.  I won't offer you empty words and slogans or advice.   Only you know how you feel.  No one else can. I can say that I lost the love of my life six years ago.   Early in this it is excruciating.   I was in shock for the first year or so.  I still think about her every day throughout the day.  I am almost always at least somewhat sad. I travel with one of her gloves and a photo of us.  At this point I am used to the way things are.   But not better. It might be like someone who loses a limb.  They are never okay with it, but they adapt.  I look at it as though I am moving somewhat forward with her.  None of this "moving on" nonsense.  I hope that we will be together on the other side. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 4, 2022 at 7:57pm

Hi Jeff, thank you so much for replying to me...I appreciate it. I can certainly understand getting used to it at some point, but is that enough? I mean, I will still be a shell...nothing means anything without him. I can't see just 'existing', and with pain. I've sought therapy and groups, but it is all in an effort to help me to process, understand, define this PROFOUND devastation. I don't even know who I am any more and doubt my abilities to make any sort of reasonable decisions. So I need to try and process it somehow and then decide what, if anything, I am going to do. Did you feel this way in the beginning? Did you 'move forward' for her? I'm so sorry for your loss.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Jeff C on October 4, 2022 at 8:24pm

Hi Drewtoo,

Thank you for your kind words.

Nothing is enough.  Support, words, friends, etc.  Nothing I saw will help.  But I think people just adapt.  Thing of grief as love turned inside out.  The more you love someone that harder it is.

This isn't the right forum for this, so I will only briefly mention that I am exploring the reasonable possibility that they continue on and that we will be reunited forever.

Experts suggest that we not make any important decisions for quite a while.

Yes, for the first year I was in really bad shape.  The first month. like you, was indescribable.  I know what you are saying, believe me.  

I try to move forward in my life with her.  I know that sounds vague, but I carry her with me all the time.  

I feel really bad for you having to experience this.

Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 4, 2022 at 8:45pm

Jeff,

I honestly don't know at this point if I can adapt...or, more specifically, if I want to.

I really appreciate your sharing and concern and I hate to be so negative, but this is where I am.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 4, 2022 at 8:58pm

Drewtoo,

It's usually advised not to make any major life decisions for at least a year after the death of a close loved one, especially a spouse/partner. As you said, you doubt your ability to make reasonable decisions right now -- and that is a wise assessment.

Your brain will be all kinds of messed up for a while, and your decision-making ability will be shit -- you don't want to do anything you might regret later, so it's best not to make any major changes/decisions for a while (stuff like selling a house and moving, or changing jobs, etc.). Unless it's truly necessary, try not to make any of those major changes -- you're already dealing with one horrible major change, that's enough for now.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 4, 2022 at 8:54pm

Thanks for replying to Drew, Jeff. I agree with the way you characterized this, as being similar to someone who has lost a limb. 

I hope you're doing as ok as you can be.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Jeff C on October 4, 2022 at 10:52pm

Thank you, Bluebird.  You are so good at describing how this is.  I hope you are as well as you can be, also...  Good point about the rawness of it.  That is a really good way to put it.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 4, 2022 at 8:52pm

Hi Drewtoo. I'm sorry you have lost the love of your life too, and that you are therefore in the position to have my posts resonate with you -- but if they helped you at all, then I'm at least glad for that.

I do understand what it's like for you, at least as much as anyone can understand what this is like for anyone else. I think there's at least a certain baseline that is the same, though of course the exact details and feelings are different for each person. But everything you said in your post, I understand and also feel.

Honestly, it has not gotten better for me. It can't, because my soulmate is dead. It is a bit less "raw", I suppose is the word for it, in that I don't find myself breaking down every day anymore, but it has never gotten better. "Living dead" is the perfect way to describe it. 

Very little "keeps me going", as you put it. I have not killed myself because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but between my husband's death and some other crappy life stuff, I doubt I will keep that promise forever, and I think that is most likely how I will die (though I don't plan on it anytime soon, and don't know for sure if that's what I will decide). I love my family, especially my sister, but ultimately I don't think that will be enough.

On a day-to-day sort of basis, there are a few small things that keep me going. I am a poet, and I wrote quite a few poems in the month or two after my husband died (poems about him, about us), then I stopped. I knew, I felt, that after that rush of writing I would stop.  It has been 10 years since he died, and for at least 5 years, maybe more, I didn't write a single poem, not even a single line. At some point after that I started writing a bit here and there -- nothing major, and not really full, complete poems, but something.  A few lines, a rough first draft, etc.  Lately I have been writing more, and submitting my work to poetry contests and literary magazines. So that's one thing that kind of keeps me going. It's very early days yet for you, but if you are at inclined towards any sort of creative expression (writing, painting, dancing, sculpting, quilting, etc.), at some point you may find yourself inclined to pour some effort into that art. If so, I'd recommend doing so -- for me, at least, it helped/helps.

Aside from that -- there are a few tv series I watch (mostly with my sister and her husband; I'm at their house one night each week), and I want to see what happens in those (The Walking Dead and its upcoming spin-offs, as well as a few others). Also I like going to thrift shops and buying vintage items (I've done so for many years, and then my husband and I liked to frequent flea markets as well -- partly for stuff for us / our home, and partly because I used to sell vintage stuff on Etsy).

That's about it, really. My life, such as it is, is vastly diminished from what it was with my husband, and even from what it was before I met him. I am honestly relaying what it is like for me -- but please know that for some people it does get better, at least to some degree. I don't know if that's how it will be for you or not, I'm just saying that it may be one possibility. I don't want my honesty regarding my own situation to make things worse for you.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 4, 2022 at 9:21pm

Hi Bluebird. Thank you so much for replying to me...I am so grateful to hear from you. 

I welcome your honesty, it is what I need...and nothing could possibly make things worse than they already are.

I, too, have a sister that I love and knows how I am feeling. She told me she needs me. Like you said, I don't think that's enough...she's got a husband and family and she would be fine eventually. But, we have experienced some terrible losses in our family and I wouldn't want to add to it right now. My dad died many years ago, a great man. He was only 66 years old. We couldn't believe he died so young. But, as it turns out, we lost 2 of my brothers and now my man...all were younger! My father has been the oldest so far, which totally sucks. 

I am very glad to know that you are still here, but it is still not better after 10 years. I just can't see it for myself...I understand and give you credit for persevering. I know it is still new for me, but it is getting worse every day...the pain of not having him, the lack of meaning in everything. Additionally, there was huge trauma involved in my situation. Maybe I can share that with you sometime. It was devastating...I died at that moment.

It is really good that you have artistic outlets and a talent for poetry...I'm sure that must be very soothing. I hope the submissions gain you recognition.

I also loved going to thrift shops and buying vintage items. For awhile, a long time ago, I enjoyed restoring antique furniture that I would find at tag sales and garage sales. Had to give that up when I ran out of room in my house.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 4, 2022 at 9:25pm

my soulmate...yes.

my best friend

the absolute love of my entire life

the very best thing that ever happened to me, or ever will

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 4, 2022 at 9:50pm

I know what you mean, about how nothing could make things worse than they already are -- still, I worry that my posts could do that for some people. It seems, though, that you're much like I am, in that when my husband died and I first started searching online for other people in the same situation, or for some support, or for whatever (I didn't really know what I was looking for), I found only a couple of people who I felt were being honest about how horrific it is when your spouse/partner dies; everyone else was writing about "processing [their] grief journey"....BLECH. I mean, maybe for them it wasn't so horrific, and I don't mean to minimize their experience, but it was not in any way like what I was going through, and it didn't help me at all. Once I found those couple of people/threads which spoke uncompromisingly about how shitty this all is, that helped a bit. So I try to be that person for others.

I know that when I die, however it happens, my sister will be devastated; we are very close. But she does also know how horrible all of this has been for me, she knows how I feel. I don't think she will be all that surprised if I eventually kill myself. And like your sister, my sister has a husband (he's a great guy), so that would help. I feel trapped, either way -- either I keep hurting or I hurt those I love, no way around it.

I'm sorry you have had so many losses in your family. I think they sort of pile onto each other, like accretions on the hull of a ship, and each addition weighs one down even more. It's like the blows just don't stop coming (I haven't had so many deaths of those close to me, but there have been multiple crappy life things that have occurred, with much the same result, albeit not as sad).

I don't really feel that I'm persevering -- I'm just stumbling from one day to the next. I'm in my mid-fifties now, and one way or another I don't expect to live into old age. I know what you mean about the pain of not having your loved one and the lack of meaning in everything -- same here. I absolutely feel that I died when my husband did, too. If you do want to share about the trauma involved in your situation, please feel free to do so.

Writing poetry does help, in that it lets me express my feelings, and if any of my poems about my husband's death and my grief are published then hopefully then will help others as well. I've had poems published in various literary journals over the years, but so far none of the grief-related poems.

Restoring antique furniture is certainly an artistic endeavor -- maybe you could do that again, if you were to sell them after restoring them? That way you wouldn't need room in your house for them, maybe just a bit of space in your garage or spare room or whatever, and just work on one project at a time so it doesn't take up much room. I've never done any furniture restoring, though I do have some vintage/antique furniture pieces in my apartment, and lots of smaller vintage decorative and household items.

Permalink Reply by Luna Nightshade on October 5, 2022 at 7:53am

First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

Bluebird was the one that attracted me to this site as well, and I am watching this thread ever since I lost my boyfriend.

We knew each other for three years only, so I might not be a good reference point, and I lost him six years ago. (Five years and eleven months actually).

As Bluebird and Jeff wrote, the first year is the worst, and I don't think I could have made any major decision back then. I also think I almost died in my sleep from a dream I had. I am not sure of the time frame, but it could have been a month after ...

Has it gotten better? Hard to say. I am living with it. I am sort of living with an (imagined) connection I still share with him, and I think he is waiting for me.

Those thought have allowed me to live a somewhat normal life; And last year I also got back into writing. (Fantasy Novels in my case.)

Last fortnight I wrote about my feelings (in German actually), and it left me an emotional wreck once again. It was as if I ripped the wound open once more that had been scabbed over ...

But all-in-all it as Jeff said: I have adapted to the situation somehow. I have my dreams and ambitions, I can love, but I still feel that connection, and I still remember. There is no "moving on", just a "moving forward with".

I like the latter very much, which is why I am copying this from Jeff, because it really is as if a piece of him is still with me, still protecting me, maybe even from my own decision (even if it is inaction, like it was in that dream).

...

One thing I also learned is that no words at all could help me. The only thing that did help a little was finding other people in the same situation. So I am in the same boat as Jeff and have to thank Bluebird for this.

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 72
• 73
• 74
• 75
• 76
• …
• 80
• Next ›
• Page