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learning to cope with my loss
It is just over 3 weeks since my husband Pete lost his 5 year battle with his cancer of an unknown primary. This grief journey is not new to me as 18 years ago my first husband took his own life. I never thought I would ever find love again, but I did. I was so lucky to find Pete and we had 10 special years together. However, half way through that he was diagnosed with cancer. I feel so cheated, but at the same time I feel blessed I was given another chance. I know that many people do not get that, so I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. AT the moment I do, but I know that will pass. Every day the tears come and I try so hard to find comfort in the good times. But at the moment the thoughts of the good times are what bring on the tears. As someone once said to me, "you will never get over this, but you will get through this." Thank you for listening.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Roslyn on
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Hi Enza
It was so lovely to see your early response to my message: at least I know it went through.
I totally understand what you say about working hard. It does take your mind off your heartache and then unfortunately when you finish, it is there again. I envy you having that dream. I wish I could. I seem blocked somehow and would love to dream like that. At least it is something to hold onto........
Yesterday I drove to a small town around 45 minutes from here just to get my hair done. I was due for a haircut the day of the flood, but of course all that changed. Now, like many small businesses in town the salon I went to won't be reopening. So now this lovely lady works from her home. It was the longest drive I have done alone since Pete passed and the tears kept streaming down my face, I just couldn't help it. But I did it and on the drive home I decided to call in and visit 2 elderly friends, both in their late 80's who were also flood affected. They are back on their feet with the help of family, friends and even strangers who took them in. It was great to see and they invited me to join them for lunch. While there I kept "seeing" Pete sitting on the chair he would normally use when we visited them. Something so simple was so hard. I'm sure you know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm off to do mowing and other work today. We have 2 sunny days forecast before more rain is on the way?? I hope it isn't too much. There are still places on the property I can't mow due to it being so wet still.
Enjoy the forthcoming Spring. We are in Autumn and are still having warm days, but I'm hoping the grass will start to slow down now.
Take care
A big hug
Ros x
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Permalink Reply by V. R. on
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Hi Ros, I really do know what you mean about seeing your husband sitting in your friends' chair. Glad to hear they're OK after those terrible floods. I understand also about driving on your own and crying all the way. We live 20 mins away from town and the same thing happens to me. The thing is that I don't actually cry, I cry out, these strange grunting, lamenting sounds come out of my mouth, I just can't explain it. If someone could hear me, they'd think: wow, this one's out of her head...
I contacted our friend to come and cut down a tree or two for firewood, stocking up for next year. Hate having to rely on others, we used to do everything on our own.
I still feel lost in time, that I'm just a spectator watching the world go by. My mind is either in the past or in the future (mostly in the past), but never in the present. This year that has passed feels like it's never really existed. I keep saying that the Covid pandemic started last year, but it didn't, it started two years ago,as if my brain has canceled the time passed since that day I lost the love of my life. As if I died too, but somehow my body is still here and carrying on like a clockwork toy.
Ros, I hope you will get calmer weather from now on, those floods probably marked the drastic change of season. Unfortunately these exaggerated extreme weather conditions do happen at times, luckily they are very rare,and from what you've told me and what I've read on the Internet, this event was so huge and destructive it will go down in history. So sorry for the victims and those left without homes.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Hugs
Enza
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Hi Enza
I also live 20 minutes from town and even that seems a long way to go alone, so at Easter time when I drive to my mothers: 6 hours away, it will be another test. Over the years prior to meeting Pete I had done that trip many times, but when he came along we shared the driving and now this will be my first time without his company. It's going to be a real test for me.
I totally understand you hating to rely on others, so do I, because we always did everything together. Though the last 12 months prior to Pete's passing, that became even less so due to his cancer. Two days ago I was using the ride on mower and I became stuck on a slope and couldn't get it to go either forwards or backwards. I felt such a goose. So I rang one of my good friends who has been helping Pete and I and he came out and thank goodness managed to get me out of trouble. I put it down to a learning curve, but I did feel foolish.
I agree with you, the day our husbands died a part of us went too. There is many a day where I feel I'm on auto pilot. Today I had a lovely surprise. A visit from a friend I haven't seen in years and she was in my area visiting her son. She only stayed an hour, but it was nice to have a hug from someone. We became friends 18 years ago when her husband had passed and mine had been gone for a year. A similar time frame to you and I guess. We also met on a grief website and we couldn't believe it when we discovered we only lived 6 hours from each other. Sometimes it is a small world. I just wish you were closer, that would be so nice.
We have had some lovely warm days which is great because it has allowed me to get all the mowing up to date because you wouldn't believe it, but we are in for anther weeks worth of rain beginning tonight. Some rivers are already on flood watch, though so far not for our area. I just hope it stays that way, we don't need any more devastation. As it is it will take years for our town to get back on its feet.
You take care, I just loved receiving your message. You have brightened my evening.
Hugs in return
Ros x
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Hi Ros, sorry to hear about your mishap with your mower. Luckily you have great friends to help you, you shouldn't feel foolish at all. By what you tell me, you work so hard, do more than you should, and I'm sure not everyone would be capable of doing what you do. I really admire you and I also think it's wonderful that you will be driving such a long way to see your mother. I've never been keen on long - distance driving. On the other hand, my husband was a great driver and loved driving. All our holidays were by car, I remember when we went to Germany one summer. On the way there, we stopped 2 days first in the Alps, but on the way back, all in one go without stopping (just short stops for lunch, etc) about 14 hours. Oh, what lovely holidays we had.
Talking about holidays, today marks the end of 'winter time', putting our clocks forward 1 hour. This is usually a happy time, longer days, shorter nights, more sunlight, temperatures rising, wearing lighter clothes, heading for our hot summer which usually starts in June. I hate it though, I don't want warm sunny days because it's not compatible with how I feel. How can the sun shine while I'm suffering like this? Those long neverending afternoons /evenings when the sun sets at 9pm. I better get started with my crop growing as soon as possible, to keep me occupied and most of all save my sanity.
A lovely story Ros about your friend you met on the support group. Such a shame we live so far apart.
Take care, a big hug.
Enza
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Hi Enza
Thank you for your kind words. I know that I do work hard and I also know that sometimes I overdo it, but it helps to keep me going, which I know you understand.
I'm nervous at the long drive ahead of me. Like your husband, Pete was a great driver, being a police officer for many years he had good skills which always made me feel safe. We often went away for weekends and took our little dog with us. He wouldn't leave her in a kennel, she had to come too, which she loved. Now for this trip I will be leaving her with the friend who rescued me when the mower became stuck. At the age of 14 she is too old to take on such a trip. I hope she doesn't fret.
Our days are beginning to cool off. You are putting your clocks forward 1 hour and on Sunday we put ours back an hour, as the days are starting to close in with Autumn.
You wouldn't believe it, but our area is currently under another flood alert. A huge rain event is meant to be happening later on today and until the end of the week. I'm not sure if you measure rain in mls or inches, but over the past 5 days I have measured 282 mls of rain. I'm not sure but I think it equates to just over 11" of rain. On Saturday it looked like a river was running down my driveway, yet again and this time I'm leaving the damage until I know the rain is gone. I just hope and pray that the poor folks in town who have endured the worst of the recent flooding stay safe and it doesn't happen again.
Please keep me up dated with your work on the farm. I would like to know that you are coping ok with your work load and I know only too well, just how much it helps our sanity.
Take care and look after yourself
Hugs back to you
Ros
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Hi Ros, I hope your flood alert is over and didn't get too much rain damage. It's been raining all week here too with strong winds, and colder too. I knew we'd get this now, the month of March had been unusually warm and dry, it seems that our weather here is all upside down.
Each day I miss my love even more, it really is so unbearable sometimes. I still can't come to terms with my loss, I never will, I'm not the same person anymore. How can I be? We were meant to stay together for many more years, it's so hard to accept, like having a nightmare and being forced to think it's actually true.I should be strong for my children, I know, we just didn't expect this, nobody did.
Ros, how lovely to hear how you and your husband took your dog on holiday with you. Don't worry about having to leave your dog with your friend this time, I'm sure she will be fine. Imagine the marvelous welcome you will get when you come back home.
Take care Ros, a big hug.
Enza
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Hi Enza
Our area has suffered another huge flood. It was 2 metres below the last flood level only 4 weeks ago, but it still went 2 metres over the flood levee wall. So much devastation yet again, with people displaced. Stores were going to reopen the day of the 2nd flood. One had opened for half an hour and then had to evacuate all over again. Yesterday we had sunshine and today we also have sunshine, thank goodness. Many people still hadn't returned to their homes from the previous flood.
The erosion on my property is unbelievable. The force of the water has changed the landscape in some areas. I wish there was a way I could show you photos. I know Pete would be amazed by what has happened. My friends who were here with both Pete and I when he died came out today to help me repair my driveway. I usually do it, but this time there was just too much for me to handle on my own with my sore back. So I'm so grateful they came over. I paid them for their work as I don't expect anything for nothing. At least I can now drive on it. They tell us more rain is on the way, so I hope to goodness that doesn't happen, I just want things to dry out so I can mow and tidy up before I go away on Good Friday.
I know what you mean about missing your husband every day. I miss Pete so much too. In 3 days time it will be 5 months since he left me. I shed tears every day. If it were only possible just to have one more chance to talk to him, to get his ideas on different things and to above all give me a long hug, even if only for 5 minutes I would be so grateful. I know you understand.
Going through such a huge loss does change you forever, it has to, because our lives have changed. But in many regards it also makes us stronger, even if at times we don't realise it.
I hope you are doing ok. I have been thinking about you today and I was so happy to see your message.
Take care and a return hug coming your way
Ros
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Hi Ros, how are you keeping? I hope the weather has finally got back to normal now. I'm so sorry to hear you've had so much damage and on your own property too. I understand how hurt you must feel, at least you've had help from your friends to clear up. Must be such a relief for you. I know you have strong emotional ties with your house and property, having created everything together with your husband. I feel the same way here, I could never leave this place, I feel as if I've lived here all my life. When I think about how my husband and I did everything together, went everywhere together, I find myself feeling as if this time he's left me behind. I ask him: "why did you go without me? why didn't you wait for me? I can't catch up with you, you're too far ahead."
I'm feeling particularly down these days also because I'm waiting for drier weather to start working on the land and getting jobs done. I wonder why doing physical work outside in the countryside is a real mind- healer? Working inside is just not the same. I won't be able to do much on my own though, not even a fraction of what my husband used to do.
I think of you too, always look forward to reading your messages.
Big hug.
Enza
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Hi Enza
I'm doing ok for the moment, how are you? I totally understand what you are saying about your home and property. I feel exactly the same. I would hate to leave this place, just like you, we created this property together and I feel so strongly that Pete is here with me whenever I'm working outside. It gives me an enormous amount of comfort. I'm so sure you feel the same way too. I can also understand your frustration at not being able to go outside and work. I find working outside helps with the grief and takes my mind off it, even if just for an hour or so.
Our area is slowly recovering from the 2nd flood, but in reality it will take years for the town to fully recover from these dreadful two natural disasters. The main centre of our town is slowly rebuilding, but many shops still haven't reopened and some never will.
It was actually raining here today and I couldn't work outside so I decided to clean the shelves in my pantry plus some other cupboards. I also set up my sewing machine to put a new zipper in my favourite pair of shorts. I set the machine up on the table at the place where Pete would always sit for our meals together. All of a sudden the machine sprang to life and I hadn't even touched it. I turned it off at the power point for a few minutes. Half an hour later I was about to start sewing when it sprang into life yet again. I believe it was Pete. Sometime later I finally did get the zipper sewn in, but it made me smile to think he had visited me and was playing some kind of joke. I like to think that is what happened because in all honesty I can't work out why a newly serviced machine would turn itself on twice, when this has never happened before.
I'm leaving for my trip to see my mother on Good Friday. Think of me please as I venture forth. This Sunday morning my daughter has actually invited me to her home (a new one I haven't been to before), for morning tea. Her husband and son won't be there and that suits me fine, the less the merrier in my case. Wish me luck. I have bought some chocolate Easter eggs for the 3 grandchildren as a gift. All I can do is be myself.
I wish I could be there to help you on your farm. Thinking of you and looking forward to your next reply.
Hugs in return
Ros
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Hi Ros, I must say I was really moved to hear your story about the sewing machine switching itself on magically. I do wonder at times, a few days after my beloved left us, I could swear my mobile phone turned itself on suddenly. Who knows? I do truly wish these could be signs that our husbands are with us always.
Sorry to hear the devastation these floods have left behind. I hope it's all over now and you can all finally get back to normal.
We're finally seeing the start of Spring here, although the weather forecast for this weekend predicts strong cold Northern winds, strange for this time of year. So at the moment, I'm busy digging up the garden, pulling up weeds, preparing the flower-bed, strenuous work (our soil is very tough) which temporarily does wonders for my mental state, as you know and have said, these jobs help us cope with our grief journey, letting us release all that pain we have inside us.
How did your visit to your daughter's home go? Hope all went well, I'm sure it must have been a lovely family reunion.
I wish you a safe journey to your mother's, Ros, and may this Easter bring you all the peace and comfort you deserve.
A big hug.
Enza
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Hi Enza
So lovely to hear from you just before Easter. I'm starting to feel anxious now about this trip. I barely slept last night. I hope I can do better tonight.
I did go to my daughters home on Sunday. One grandchild was there, but I could still feel the underlying currents of long ago. I just want to move on. I do really wonder if much of a connection will be there. In all honesty I feel better without the added stress on top of losing Pete. You probably think I sound selfish, terrible etc, but I can't help how I feel. I will see my youngest daughter over Easter. She has no children, but to this day I have no idea what I did to her. Everyone seems to think it all lies on my shoulders. I'm so over confrontation, it is just wearing me out on many levels and I don't need it, especially now.
I'm so glad you are finally out in your garden. Must be such a relief from the long winter?
Every day we have a bird called an Emerald Dove (rainforest bird), spending most of his time on the back veranda and then standing at the sliding door looking in. This morning he flew into the glass sliding door and broke his neck. I just sobbed and sobbed. I held him until he passed away and then I buried him in the garden near the house. I thought he would like that as he spent so much time near me. Such a little thing I know, but I miss that little fellow.
Please take care. Have the best Easter you possibly can and I can tell you now, I wish I was staying home, but I know that can't happen. This is a challenge for me on many levels. Going in on my own with not only the drive, but also seeing family I haven't seen in 6 years. I could so easily become a hermit. Not a healthy idea I know, but it would be so easy for me.
A big hug and thank you for your message, it meant a lot to me as I was only thinking of you. Must be psychic?
Ros x
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Hi Ros, I hope your visit to your mother's went well and were able to reunite happily with your family. It's a shame you live so far from each other and can't visit so often.
I must tell you that when I read your story about that poor little bird, I cried, such a sad thing to happen. I can imagine how upsetting it must have been for you.
The last few days have been cold here, seems like winter's back again. We always get these "U turns" at the end of our winters/beginning of springs. I've had to re-light the fireplace. I did manage to do a bit of grass - cutting though.
I still go up to our 'music room' to play the piano and sing but at times I just have to leave, asking myself: what am I doing here all by myself? I feel so silly.
I'm so tired of hearing on TV that this Easter has been the first one 'free' from Covid lockdown,for two years. Yes, that's true, but what do I care? Why can't my husband be here to see this? He was taken away from us exactly on the first day of our 'covid lockdown' (15/11/20), after our summer months had been completely 'free'. I remember we had stocked up on food and other necessities just like we had done for the first lockdown way back in March 2020. My husband was extremely attentive with regards to all this. He thought of everything and anticipated all types of problems that we could have to face. An analyst not just by profession but also by nature. Oh, how I miss him, sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking because it's just too painful, I push away my thoughts and try to distract myself, even if it's just doing stupid Solitaire card games on the internet. I know that we should let out all our sorrow, we should cry and cry and not 'bottle up' our feelings inside us, but it seems that my mind refuses to do this. I just wasn't prepared to face this grief, not yet, not so soon, not so sudden, not so unexpected, out of the blue, like an earthquake.
Sorry if I went on a bit, at times it's so hard to find the right words.
Take care Ros, look forward to hearing from you.
A big hug
Enza
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