Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by V. R. on January 28, 2022 at 3:25pm

Hello Ros, hope you're feeling better, no more headaches?
Your wise words are really a comfort to me, you're right, many people don't get to be with their loved ones for so long. But I keep thinking, what about those who are in their 80s and still together? I sometimes think that during my life, I've remained a bit immature in my reasoning, taking for granted that me and my soulmate would be together until we died naturally of old age. I just didn't expect this sudden 'blow' so prematurely and without warning signs, like an earthquake!
It was my daughter's 24th birthday a few days ago, and during lunch, we hardly spoke to each other, all three of us in silence, I saw the sadness in my daughter's eyes (daddy's girl) and I had to make a big effort not to cry, luckily she did have her usual get-together with all her friends in the evening. If I'd lost my father at her age, I would have been devastated. My son is a very silent and reserved person, so I don't really know how he's coping. My daughter is a bit more extrovert, has lots of friends, but deep down inside I know she's going through a tough time, unable to come to terms with our loss. At times, I feel useless, that I should be helping them more, but I don't know what else I can do or say. I'm still in shock myself!.
Ros, it's always great hearing from you, a real help for me to get through my days.
Take care
Enza

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Roslyn on January 28, 2022 at 8:47pm

Hi Enza

I'm feeling better thank you, but I've been so tired this week as I know I'm pushing myself too hard.   Working makes me tend to "forget", even if just for a moment.   This morning I was pruning back excess limbs on an avocado tree and other shrubs.   I have so much to do, even though  I know it can wait until the cooler weather arrives, I tend not to be patient with some things.  I can just hear Pete telling me to slow down.

I can understand the heartache you must feel with your children.   When my first husband took his life back in 2003 it was the month before my eldest daughter had her birthday and 4 months before my sons birthday and my youngest daughters 21st.  When my youngest daughter was married in 2005 I walked her down the aisle and I made the speech at the reception.   That was huge for me as I'm definitely no public speaker, but I did it and I was so proud walking her down the aisle, though I know many thought her brother should have done it.

Like you, I do wonder what it would be like to spend all my married life with one person.  I was married to my first husband for 28 years and by coincidence Pete was married to his late wife for the same period of time.  We both also moved to this district in the same year 1999 and we both had the same dinner set.  Strange, but when Pete and I met, it was like we were meant to be, we felt as if we had known each other before and even anyone we met, thought we had been together for many years.  It makes me wonder about "past lives" and if they do exist I believe Pete and I were together before.  You might think it strange I say that, but it's how we both felt.  I was blessed twice in my life by two wonderful men and for that opportunity I shall always be grateful.

I'm glad we help each other out.  We both know the pain of such a loss.

I shall leave it for now Enza.   I think of you every day and hope you are doing the best you can.  Someone once said to me, "You will never, ever get over this, but you will get through it."  That's what we can hope for my friend.

Ros x

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by V. R. on February 1, 2022 at 10:32am

Hi Ros, hope all is well with you. You know, I was moved when you told me about how you accompanied your daughter along the aisle on her wedding day. I often think about when my daughter meets someone and eventually gets married. How sad that her father (she really is her "daddy's girl") won't be able to do that for her, I remember the look on my father's face when he took me down the aisle, so proud and happy. This really makes me cry.
Do you often say things like: what would my husband think now? He would be so happy now, or he would do this, do that....? in a particular situation? I always do this, like the other day when my son passed a university exam with a good grade, his dad would have been over the moon, because in the past couple of years, my son has had a few problems with his studies and is now trying to make up for lost time. I'm not one of those believers who say:your father is watching over you, he helped you achieve this, and will continue guiding you as he has always done,but perhaps this is exactly what it is. I can so see so much of my husband's wisdom, intelligence, reason and so many other qualities in both my children, and I will always be grateful and feel comforted by this, that at least they have had enough time with their father to acquire these great qualities from him.
Although,they really still needed him, still need him now and will always feel the need for him.
I know, Ros, it's so unfair, that you had to go through losing a loved one, not once, but twice. Like you say, though, I'm happy for you that you met two wonderful men in your life. We are all just 'passing by' in this life, my MIL used to always say this. I understand this, but it seems that God or whoever/whatever there is out there gets distracted sometimes, and 'surprises' us with sudden/unexpected tragedies when you least expect it. I know, I should remember all the good things we receive, but human nature unfortunately tends to remember only the negative events and struggle to find someone/something to blame, forgetting to say thank you for the positive events.
Take it easy, Ros, with your work, there's no rush, one day at a time, your health comes first.
Big hug.
Enza

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Roslyn on February 1, 2022 at 5:54pm

Hi Enza - I always look forward to hearing from you.  I went into town today to get my Covid 19 Booster shot.  My arm is sore, but so far so good.  When I had my 2nd shot back in September Pete and I went together, it felt so sad and lonely doing it on my own this time.  As you know, it is the little things that can bring us undone.

In 3 days time Pete will have been gone for 3 months.  I can't believe it.  When I first came to this website it was 3 weeks on.  Yes, I do often wonder what his opinion would be regarding certain things that crop up.   I often wonder about things that can't be explained and in which I believe.  I believe your husband is watching over you and your children and he will be giving them encouragement "in his own way now", with what they are achieving in life.  He will never leave you.

What your MIL says about "passing by" in life is so true.  Each of us is here but for a short while, though sometimes it feels so much longer doesn't it?  They say things happen for a reason, but often I wonder what in the hell was the reason for what just happened?  Some go through life seemingly unscathed, or do they?

A couple I know contacted me yesterday and they will be bringing a meal over to share with me tomorrow night.  I thought that was so lovely of them.  It's nice to know that others care even with their busy lives to lead.  I'm finding the days lonely as I live alone and rely on friends for companionship.  It isn't the same as family, but I have no other choice.  My trust has been well and truly broken with my family and their lack of loyalty towards me and the disgraceful way they treated Pete, is something I simply can't forget.  My eldest granddaughter turns 17 this month.  I'm hoping beyond hope that one day down the track as she matures she may actually want to hear my side of things as to what happened between myself and her mother.   Unfortunately my daughter, who is a psychologist, has a way of manipulating others to her way of thinking.  But time will tell I guess as to what eventuates there.

We are expecting heavy rains for the next couple of days.  So thankfully my mowing is up to date and having had my 3rd shot it is the perfect excuse to relax.  But knowing me, that will drive me crazy in the end.

Take good care of yourself Enza.   How I wished you lived closer, I would love to see your olive farm and to show you my piece of what I call Paradise too.

Hugs in return

Ros

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by V. R. on February 6, 2022 at 2:41pm

Hi Ros, I've also had three vaccine doses. I remember, too, how lonely I felt, queuing up with all those people, lots of couples, asking myself what was I doing there alone, when we always did everything, went everywhere together. So unfair, just not right! When my husband passed away, the vaccines weren't even available yet, I remember him saying that the only way out from this pandemic, was a vaccine.
Sorry to hear about your family problems, Ros. I've had my fair share too. My parents have never been very understanding or co-operative since I married, perhaps because I'm an only child, they really couldn't get it into their heads that their daughter wasn't a child anymore, I was an adult, wife and mother, capable of making decisions with my 'own' family. Anyway, that's all over now, that fatal evening when my world ended, I called my mother, weeping on the phone, not being able to speak... (hadn't talked to each other for over a year).
We see each other a lot now, especially because my father doesn't drive anymore, so I help her with shopping and other errands she needs doing.I can't talk to her about what's happened, how can she possibly understand me? Ros, as you know, only others who are going or who have gone through the same grief can understand and relate to you.
I would also love to visit you Ros, how funny life is, I have found you, a real friend I can relate to and share thoughts with, and we live on different sides of the world! I've never been an Internet fan, but now I'm so grateful it exists.
Glad to hear you have friends coming over to keep you company, it must be difficult not getting along with your daughter, don't worry, I'm sure, like you say, in time, things will work out, just like it happened to me, mothers and daughters may have serious break-ups, but in the end, they always reconciliate.
Take care Ros, look forward to hearing from you.
Hugs
Enza

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Roslyn on February 8, 2022 at 3:41pm

Hi Enza

It has been a rough couple of days:  I can't seem to stop crying at times.

I'm so please you have reconciled with your mother.  When Pete died my mother was the last person on my mind.  I haven't spoken to her since 2017 as she turned so nasty, sending hurtful notes through the post to Pete and I, not to mention the things she said.  After reading your latest message I did decide to write her a letter, which I'm now doing.  Once she receives that the grapevine will swing into motion.  I just hope they keep their distance.  They say to forgive and forget.  I can forgive, but I can't forget.   The lack of loyalty shown towards me as her daughter (I'm the eldest of 3), is something I can't get beyond.

I have 2 daughters, 1 son and 5 grandchildren.  My eldest grandchild turns 17 this month.  I had an emotional breakdown 11 years ago when the family fell apart, now I feel as if they are strangers.  I no longer am aware of what is going on in their lives.  I feel so far removed it isn't funny.   My eldest daughter who was the instigator of it all is a psychologist by trade and knows how to manipulate others.   I hope that one day at least I may meet my grandchildren.  I have 2 granddaughters and 3 grandsons.  The boys I have had no contact with.  Two of them live in the USA as their father (my son), is a chef over there.   I wish I had your confidence that reconciliation will happen.  With my daughter I tried once in 2013, not a chance it would work.   I don't really hold out much hope.

At least it has stopped raining.  On Monday the man who helps with my garden issues came out and for 2.5 hours I helped him cut down and move a huge clump of bamboo.  My goodness I was so sore and tired.  That morning I had cleaned out a shed, so it was a full days work.  At least I'm keeping fit if nothing else.

Today I hope to get some mowing done as the grass is drying out due to the sunshine finally happening after a weeks worth of rain.

Sorry to have rambled on about my family.  Some days it's hard not to let it get me down as so much has happened, but I just have to cope with the hand fate has dealt me.

You take care and a big hug in return

Ros

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by V. R. on February 11, 2022 at 2:11am

Dear Ros, you really are an inspiration for me, when you tell me all about your work. Until a few months ago, I didn't really have much hope of carrying on looking after our property on my own. Now, talking to you, I think to myself: "yes, you can do it, along with the help of others, as there is so much mechanical work I cannot possibly do, I will do my best to continue the way we always have."
It's tough, I know, having to deal with past unsolved family matters, but as others have always told me, these things happen in all families, in some way or other. Hearing about your nice friends and neighbours , though, I'm sure they will help you and provide comfort for you, just having them to talk to.
The other day, Ros, I had a real 'weeping crisis' while I was cleaning out a firewood box, in our attic. I found an old empty packet of cigarettes, my husband's. Oh, that really triggered me off. You may guess, I didn't throw it away, l'm going to treasure it forever, amongst other unexpected keepsakes I keep finding around the house.
I'm waiting anxiously for Spring to arrive, to start getting jobs done.
Take care Ros, a big hug.
Enza

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Roslyn on February 11, 2022 at 11:04pm

Hi Enza

That was so kind of you to say I inspire you.   I truly didn't think I'd inspire anyone.  I'm so happy though that you are ready to get out there once the warmer weather comes your way.  That is a positive attitude.

This morning I managed quite a lot of pruning of lower limbs from some trees that are in the way when on the ride on mower (I have so much to do).  Then I was attempting to chop up a huge limb which had fallen down from a eucalyptus.  As I was working on it the couple who live on the property behind me actually came over to the fence and offered to help.  I was stunned as normally they stand back and watch Pete and I from a distance.  I hadn't spoken to this man in years.  So I was surprised.  He even offered to check if his chainsaw was working and if he had a chance he might chop up the bigger limbs for me.  That was so nice of them and I still can't believe it.  While we were talking they noticed a python curled up in the tree I was standing underneath.  It scared them, but I don't mind reptiles (the non venomous kind!), so it didn't worry me.

Not much happening here this afternoon as it is raining once more.   It has been a very busy week in one way or another.  Summer is over come the end of February and we finally get into some cooler weather I hope.  It will be Autumn and I love to see the leaves change colour.  Because I live in a warm and humid climate the colours aren't as attractive as they could be, but it makes me happy.  This will be my first Autumn without Pete and in recent days I'm finding it so hard.  The tears have come hard and fast, but I can't help it.  The first of everything is hard, even the changing of the seasons:  silly I know.

I really do understand how finding Claudio's empty cigarette packet must have upset you.  It doesn't take much does it for our emotions to come crashing down around us?  It's often the little things like that which bring back so many memories.

I'm thinking of you.

A big hug in return

Ros

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by V. R. on February 16, 2022 at 1:38am

Hi Ros, the first thing I must say to you is: "Wow, a python hiding in your tree!" I suppose you're quite used to it where you live, we do get the odd grass-snake or adder lurking around in spring/summer, but hopefully, our cats do their job to keep them away. A cat around the courtyard is really necessary for us, especially to chase away all those terrible lizards, sliding along our walls, our window sills, destroying our mosquito barriers which we have installed in front of all our windows. Last Summer, I had one in my kitchen, I was alone at the time, I can't tell you the 'battle' I went through to get it out! The only disadvantage of our Summers here, these creepy creatures and so many insects, I know they too, have a right to live, but I wish they'd remain away from the house, they have so much space outside.
Anyway, Ros, how have you been keeping? No more headaches? It was nice to hear about your neighbor surprising you, offering to help. Sometimes I think badly about people who don't seem to understand me, don't talk to me, don't come and visit me, don't call me, seem to be avoiding me, but then again, maybe it's because they feel embarrassed, don't know what to say, afraid to say something that would hurt us. I would probably react the same way, in their shoes.
Take care Ros, a big hug.
Enza

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Roslyn on February 16, 2022 at 9:41pm

Hi Enza

I've had some terrible days lately.  All I seem to do is cry.  It's wearing me down.  I forced myself to go out and mow this morning and will head out again once it cools off.  That at least keeps me sane, but my poor old dog is worried, bless her.

Yes, I'm used to snakes.  There are quite a few pythons here.   This time of year they shed their skins before the cooler weather comes.  During the past week I've found 6 separate skins out the back of the house.  All pythons thankfully.  It doesn't phase me in the least.  If it was a spider that's a different thing altogether!!  We also have many lizards (water dragons).   They come in various sizes, from teeny tiny, to quite large.  I love them too and often if they come around the house I cut up grapes and other fruits, they love bananas and melon.  My friend Marty says I'm like Snow White with all the forest creatures hanging around me.  That makes me smile.  I wish there was a way I could send you some photos.

We also need the screens on our windows and doors due to mosquitoes in the wet times and flies during the dry.  They also deter other creatures that may think they are invited in like snakes and lizards.  We have had that before too!!!

I know what you mean about people avoiding us.  You know what Enza, I definitely don't think you would react the same way if you were in their position.  Not now, because you know what it feels like to lose the love of your life.  Many folk out there don't, hence they don't know how to react.  I believe the lessons were are currently learning, will perhaps be a comfort for someone else down the track.  What do you think?

Please take care, bet you are counting down the days to the warmer weather?  Whereas for me, I want a cool change.

Big hugs back to you

Ros

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by V. R. on February 20, 2022 at 11:15am

Hi Ros, sorry to hear you've been having bad days, I really know how you feel, my heart goes out to you. I have them too.
We've been having exceptionally sunny, warm weather lately, unusual for February, we usually have snow this time of year. Advantage is we can get on with some work on the land. I've just been trimming off some olive branches my FIL started cutting down, setting them aside for firewood. Pruning is necessary for our olive trees, otherwise we get poor production. Like you, Ros, working outside on our land helps my sanity. I'm always thinking/imagining what me and my husband would be doing now, where we'd be going, what he would say in a certain situation, what he'd think. That special bond we had, or rather, still have, is unbreakable, that intimate familiarity, closeness of souls and minds, these are all sealed up inside me and will stay with me forever. He is always present for me, right here by my side, always and forever, I will never let him go. I still have trouble using the Past Tense when mentioning my beloved, it doesn't seem right or natural, sounds almost offensive... Can't explain this feeling.
A big hug to you Ros.
Enza

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Roslyn on February 20, 2022 at 5:33pm

Hi Enza

You must be pleased that you can finally get outside and do some work on your property?  I have also been out trimming tree limbs to make sure that using the ride on mower isn't dangerous.   In this climate things grow so fast.  I've also been trimming grass from around trees.

I know what you mean about hard work.  It helps to keep us emotionally able to cope:  I know it does work for me.  I stop thinking.  But all the while I still talk to Pete the way we would if he were still here.  It helps me.   When I want his opinion or advice or simply to share a thought which you can only do with that special someone, I find it so hard and that is when I feel so alone.   That special person above all else that you trusted the most with your inner most thoughts:  it's all gone.  I believe he is still with me, he told me he would be, but right now I would give anything for a hug.  I think you explained how you are feeling very well............I totally get it.

Take care

Hugs to you as well  -   Ros

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• …
• 11
• Next ›
• Page