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learning to cope with my loss
It is just over 3 weeks since my husband Pete lost his 5 year battle with his cancer of an unknown primary. This grief journey is not new to me as 18 years ago my first husband took his own life. I never thought I would ever find love again, but I did. I was so lucky to find Pete and we had 10 special years together. However, half way through that he was diagnosed with cancer. I feel so cheated, but at the same time I feel blessed I was given another chance. I know that many people do not get that, so I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. AT the moment I do, but I know that will pass. Every day the tears come and I try so hard to find comfort in the good times. But at the moment the thoughts of the good times are what bring on the tears. As someone once said to me, "you will never get over this, but you will get through this." Thank you for listening.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by V. R. on
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Hi, Ros, glad to hear you spent your birthday happily with your two friends. I understand perfectly that feeling of 'can't wait to get home'.
I hope the rain storm hasn't caused you too much damage, I often have the same problem. We live in a windy area and every now and then we get strong gale force winds which last for days, together with torrential rain. Actually, the weather forecast for today is not so good.....
I know how distressing it is to witness destruction all around, fallen trees, broken plant pots rolling across the yard, flying debris everywhere...
Today, we're going to my FIL' s for lunch, after having refused to go this evening or tomorrow, when it would feel too 'Christmassy' for me and I wouldn't feel at ease, it would be too heart-breaking. I've noticed that now I feel much closer to my FIL, then I do with my own parents. Maybe it's because he is my husband's blood just like my own children, even though when his son was alive we didn't really see each other that often. I can relate to him more, he can understand me more than my parents can.
Ros, I wish you all the best for these festivities, which I know, just sadden us even more, but let's remember the wonderful times we had with our beloved husbands. Slowly, gradually, one step at a time, we will heal and be able to face, appreciate and enjoy these special times, like we used to.
A warm embrace.
Enza
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Permalink Reply by Roslyn on
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Dear Enza
The rain storm didn't eventuate: one is predicted for tomorrow: Christmas day, so I'm hoping it doesn't happen then either.
I made a cheesecake to take to my friends as my contribution to lunch tomorrow. This is one of the rare times I haven't prepared the whole meal or even put up a decoration etc.
I hope you enjoy your lunch at your FIL's. He sounds a lovely man and it is so nice to hear you are forming a closer bond with him. Your husband would be pleased with that I'm sure.
Like you, my parents and I aren't close. My father passed away on Christmas Day in 2014 and my mother who turns 90 next April is not what I would call close to me either. She basically became quite nasty when my father died and treated Pete and I dreadfully. As a result I haven't spoken to her since 2016. I haven't even told my family about Pete's passing as I know they wouldn't care and I won't be accepting false sympathies. Once I feel stronger emotionally I will tackle that issue, but I can't do it now.
I also wish you the best for this season too Enza. Last Christmas I wanted just Pete and I to have the day together so I cooked us a special meal. He asked me to take a photo of it because he was so happy. At the time I thought it was a silly idea, but you know: now I treasure that photo.
I'm thinking of you and I agree, one day we will be able to face these special occasions and smile instead of cry.
Hugs from me
Ros
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Hello Ros, I hope you spent a peaceful Christmas. On the 24th we went to lunch at my FIL'S, it was comforting, his wife is so good with us, but I still felt so sad, out of place, not feeling like a real person, as if it wasn't the real me. This year is the second time without our beloved, but for me it was much worse than last year, maybe because last year in our region we were all in total Covid lock down, so it seemed like Christmas had been cancelled anyway.
How lovely that you have that photo to cherish now Ros, this reminds me of the photo I now have on my bedside cabinet, of the two of us with our 25th wedding anniversary cake that I had baked.
I don't know about you Ros, but I really have trouble looking at photos of my love, when we see them in our minds, in our thoughts, it's different, it's more tolerable somehow.
I too, used to prepare Christmas/New Year (and other occasions) special meals for everyone, I just don't feel up to it anymore now.
All the best, Ros.
Enza.
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Hi Enza
I barely made it through Christmas. I had lunch at my friends and one of their mothers was also there. They all were very caring, but I felt I wanted to go back home. I broke down at one stage, but I got through it all. The next day Boxing Day, I cried all morning. I went outside to work in the rain and cried and cried again. I was so mad at myself for being so weak, but I felt so overwhelmed with the whole thing. By the afternoon I had managed to pull myself together and felt much better. I felt such a goose that I couldn't control those tears. I'm so pleased no-one else was here to witness it. But at the same time I also know it is only 7 weeks since I lost Pete, so it is still very raw.
I know a young family both Pete and I were fond of. They have 2 small children and Pete was always giving them coins for their money boxes or buying them books to read. When Pete died this family cooked small meals for me to put in my freezer and cared so much, when I know they often struggle financially. So yesterday I decided to do something for them which will also help me. I have invited them over later this week for a bbq which I am pleased they are going to do. I guess it is a positive step in the right direction.
It must be lovely and as you say comforting, that your FIL's wife is so good to you. She sounds like a very special person who will always be there for you.
At the moment I have Pete's photos around the house. They are giving me comfort, but sometimes it doesn't work that way, because it makes me only realise more what I have lost.
Not long now and another year will be upon us: at this stage of my journey, I'm dreading to know what that will bring.
Please take care
Ros
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Hi, Ros, I'm now trying to write on the comment page, because I keep losing my post, it's already happened 3 times now..
I hope you are well. Glad Christmas is over, we've just got new year to get thru now.
You shouldn't be mad at yourself for crying so much, you have the right to shed as many tears as you want, anytime, anywhere, especially as it's only been a few weeks since your loss.
Happy to hear you have these great friends helping you to get by and lead a normal life as much as possible. I know it's not the same as if you were with your dear husband, but he wiil always be next to you wherever you are. I understand what you mean about the photos, it's as if by looking at them I realize that it's all true, he isn't here anymore, I'm faced with the reality that I'll never see him again. Still seems so untrue to me....I don't know about you Ros, but I just can't use that word that starts and ends with the letter 'd', because for me my beautiful love is still here with me, I just can't see him.
Wish you well, Ros.
Enza
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Hi Enza
I feel Pete's presence so much when I'm outside working. We created this property together and that is probably why. I'm looking forward to the day when being out there doesn't make me sad, but happy that I was part of it's creation.
On Christmas morning I went for a walk with my little dog and all around me I could hear so many different native birds calling/singing. That isn't unusual, but that day there seemed to be so many more. I took it as a gift, because it was. Pete and I loved the many varieties of birds we have here and how all the shrubs/trees we had planted have encouraged their abundance.
How are you coping with winter? It must be difficult not to be able to work outside the way you would want to?
I often think of you and wonder how you are going on your journey. You are believe it or not, giving me strength. Thank you.
Take care
Ros
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Hi, Ros, I've just come back from a walk on our property and believe me, I had the exactly the same reaction as you. Maybe it's because only me and my husband spent time together there, my kids have never been really interested. I suppose it's normal for youngsters these days. Like you, I really felt my husband's presence, I could almost see him in his light blue shirt and sports trousers he used to use for working, oh my, it's so unbearable, Ros, I sometimes think I just can't handle this. You also give me strength, it's so good to have someone I can share my feelings with and be understood, I feel everything you feel Ros, I hope I can help you, too, get thru this painful journey, that we just didn't expect.
Take care, a big hug.
Enza
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Hello Enza
You sound so like me in many regards. Because you and your husband spent so much time on the property together, it holds many memories for you, just as mine does for me. Memories are so good to have, I'm grateful that I do, but my goodness for me at the moment they are so hard to endure. I'm looking forward to the day when they make me smile.
Today I decided to do something positive and I invited a young couple we know with 2 small children and also my 2 close friends who helped me through the worst of Pete's final days, over for a small bbq. The weather has been good and I thought it would be good to do something like that instead of crying. It turned out to be a nice day, but by the time they all left I was so mentally tired and emotionally worn out. I'm not used to doing this anymore, but at the same time I'm pleased I made the effort. Strange, I kept thinking I'm the odd one out here and I was. That is a feeling which is hard to shake when you are left alone isn't it?
I'm glad that our "conversations" help you too Enza. We understand each other because we know the pain of losing your life partner.
You take care and a big hug back to you too
Ros
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This is the 2nd part of my post Ros, sorry, because I tried so many times to write, but I kept losing it all,so I end up forgetting what I wanted to say!
Anyway, yes, I agree with you, I would never want to live in an appt in town/city, and to think that I was born and brought up in London(UK) where I lived for the first 26 yrs of my life!
Country life may have some disadvantages but after more than 27 yrs living here, I love it so much that I feel as if I've lived here all my life. Perhaps it's because I settled down here, got married, two children,
and like you Ros, me and my husband (him, much more than me) have worked so hard and dedicated our whole lives to this special place.Oh, I just can't believe my love has gone, and I'll never see him again.
A warm hug.
Enza
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Hi Enza
I have received this post and your other one on the comment page. I wonder what is happening there?
My Pete was also born in London (Islington). He immigrated out here to Australia when he was in his early 20's. He loved life here in Australia. When I met Pete over 12 years ago we discovered that we had both been married for 28 years, we moved to this area of New South Wales in 1999 and we both had the same dinner set! We also both felt as if we had known each other before: maybe in another life? We clicked straight away.
I bet your home looks just lovely with such a bright colour. Certainly a strong reminder of Claudio and all the hard work he put into caring for your property and home. Our home is a single level and it is painted in different shades of grey. We are surrounded by lush rainforest and the many creatures who live in it. It was only this morning I found another carpet python skin. Just part of living where I live and that doesn't worry me at all. It's mother nature.
I had my 2 friends come over yesterday to help with some mowing and other jobs. I provided them with lunch. Thank goodness they did come as it hasn't stopped raining since and is meant to rain for the next week. So I don't think I'll be doing too much outside - maybe I will if I go crazy inside??
I believe if you are dreaming dreams of you and Claudio and you remember them, that they are real. He is coming to you at night in your dreams. I would love that to happen for me. You may think this odd, but about a month after Pete passed I was listening to a meditation tape in the hope it would help me. As I was listening I felt someone kiss me on the lips. It was so real and I wonder, was it my imagination? I choose to think not because it gives me comfort to think it was real.
Big hugs back to you Enza.
Ros
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Ros, I just have to say: "Wow".
You'll never believe this, but Islington is exactly where I was born and where my parents and I lived for 26 years(in the Holloway district). A real coincidence, considering London is huge, I think it's the 3rd largest city in the world, or Europe, I'm not sure which.
Ros, I was touched to read about what happened to you while listening to the tape. I'm sure you will cherish that moment forever. We are still having sunny mild weather here, an unusual start to January, we usually have freezing temperatures at this time of yr.
At least, I can go for walks around our property, with our cat Paco, following me just like a dog would do. Oh, I'll never forget our wonderful dog Milo who we lost sadly 3 yrs ago, he was absolutely adorable and when he passed away, me and my husband just hugged each other tightly and wept.
I know you have a dog, Ros, do you agree that pet therapy really helps in times of sorrow like we're going thru right now?
I hope it stops raining soon, so you can get on with your chores on your land, I have to wait till Spring, when unfortunately just when we need to start working, we end up getting endless rainy days.
Take care.
Enza
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Hi Enza
I just can't believe some of the coincidences that crop up. I can't believe you were born in Islington too.
I went to the supermarket today and found myself feeling overwhelmed. I only go when I absolutely have to and I remember what you said about doing chores in town and wanting to come home. Going around the aisles and seeing things I no longer buy because it was something Pete liked, was just too much. I kept saying to myself (behind my covid mask), "you are strong, you can do this." I finally got out of there and made it to the car and breathed a sigh of relief. Such a simple thing is an ordeal. We shopped together and I think that is why it is so hard at the moment.
I worked outside for awhile when I came home before the rain started again. I'm hoping it will be fine tomorrow for awhile so I can do some mowing. I can see the grass growing!
I just had a phone call from a friend, who has been in hospital for 6 weeks. She had been in a coma and nearly died. Today is the first time I have spoken to her as her speech had been affected from all the tubes etc. She was desperately wanting to tell me something which when she did made us both cry. She very nearly died and had to be revived a few times. During that ordeal she told me she saw Pete and he told her that her time wasn't up and that she had to go back to help other people and he wanted her to be there for me and Bonnie (our little dog.) She said she hadn't told anyone else and wanted to tell me first. Very emotional news and something I will treasure.
I do agree that pets are great therapy. I dread the day something will happen to Bonnie. She is my little side kick.
Please take care I always look forward to hearing from you.
Ros x
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