Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing

Death bureaucracy

When my father died - he was a victim of a violent crime - me and my family went through hell. But, from all the bad things, the memories from the funeral arrangements still linger in my thoughts. The bureaucracies: my father's siblings discussing if he should be buried with their parents, the "open coffin" decisions...etc.

I'm not sure if I resent any of the options we made, but it's only me that comes back to these death bureaucracies? Does anyone also have similar experiences? It seems so surreal having to decide these thinks when we are so numb?

What went through your heads during the funeral arrangements? I felt like a little child, wanting someone to decide for me. Everyone talks about grieving, but how did you feel during that time, before the funeral?

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by V. R. on December 7, 2021 at 8:06am

Hello Luis,
Yes, I understand you completely. When I lost my husband suddenly from a heart attack, my shock was so great that I just couldn't do anything, I was unable to make decisions, didn't understand what people were asking me, as if it was all unreal, like we were acting a part.
I too felt like a helpless child, especially because it was so unexpected, and even today, a year later, I'm still asking myself:
But it can't true, it's all a big mistake isn't it? What are we talking about? He can't be gone.
You're right about the bureaucracy. Here in Italy it's the worst you can get. All those papers, go here, go there, and what's more, in Covid times!!
V. R.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Angela Schafer on December 7, 2021 at 1:16pm

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the trauma you went through. I felt the same way with my mother's death--I kept feeling like there should be an adult to come get things done, then I realized that the adult was me. Ugh, I just wanted someone else to deal with it all. I had to arrange for mortuary transport to another city, plan the funeral, everything, and that was all so weird. the police interrogated me and my sister when we went into the rehab center after my mom died, and they physically blocked me when I tried to walk past to go say goodbye to my mom. They said 'We can't let you see the body until you talk to us" And I started screaming and crying in the hallway saying 'that's my mom, her name is joyce, don't just call her a body!"

So it was a horrifying experience. I wanted the hospice people to step up and take care of this, but they didn't help at all. Other people have had such nice experiences with hospices--I feel cheated.