Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Joan Hardin on March 15, 2011 at 8:11pm

Two months after my daughter was killed, my grand daughter got hurt. There was massive swelling of the brain, just like my daughter and was in a coma for two weeks ( she has made a full recovery). While my grand daughter was still in the coma a friend of mine told me that he hated his life and wanted to die. All because a girl he liked rejected him.

Permalink Reply by Joan Hardin on March 14, 2011 at 7:38pm

Yes, I do. I miss her more and more every day. Part of me died with her. I am left with only memories and pictures and lots of questions that i may never know the answers to.

Permalink Reply by Joan Hardin on March 23, 2011 at 11:30am

Today is a Jessica day. The heartache of losing her is just as fresh today as it was the day I lost her. The sad reality that she is never going to walk through the front door and say "mommy you'll never guess what Steven did today" again feels like a knife in the heart. I miss everything about her, the way her beautiful blue eyes lit up when she smiled, the sound of her voice and her laugh, I miss her eating weird things to gross her sisters and her brother out, and yes I even miss hearing her argue with her sisters. Sometimes I think it would help if I knew why Sergio Hernandez Jr. aimed his car at my daughter and killed her. I know it won't make the heartache go away but I need to know why he did this to her and to everyone that loves and cares for her.

Permalink Reply by Karen Custy on March 23, 2011 at 11:48am

Hi Joan...I can totally identify with what you are feeling today..I feel the same way...it's like it only happened yesterday and it has been almost five months. It doesn't get easier...sometimes I think it gets harder with each passing month. I remember the smallest details about my daughter Lisa. They give me some comfort but not a lot. I wish she were here with me right now..One more hug, one more kiss, one more I Love You...

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on March 23, 2011 at 6:17pm

Greetings Kathy, unfortunately I know how you feel all to well. I started this dicussion because I was wondering if I was the only one feeling this way. The magical feeling of "peace" has NOT overtaken me yet. I still tell people when they ask me if there is anything they can do to help me feel "better"...........I say yeah, can you give me my son back or make it so this NEVER happened!? I don't mean to make other people feel comfortable, but that is how I feel. If there is any such thing that does "help" me, it would be that I can vent on this site and have my feelings validated by others that unfortunately understand. This is NOT ok, people say well "at least your son is in a better place", I know that they really mean well, but guess what......the "BETTER" place is here, with us, with all of us who love them and adore them. You tell me, what parent do you know that would volunteer to bury their child?  Some days I try to convince myself that this was all a big nightmare that I haven't awaken from yet.

 

As far as your picture, I am not totally sure but you probably have to go to your page and look for the link, I don't remember how I did, sorry.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on March 25, 2011 at 9:15pm

Hey Kathy, and all other members. It helps me that you can validate my feelings as much as it saddens me that we are all grieving from such tremendous losses. This is enough to put any "sane" person over the edge. I still call my son's cell phone!  I still send him email messages on his pages. I tell everyone that I am certified crazy! lol. Sometimes I beat myself up over not putting a cellphone, a flash light, and some money in his wallet in his casket as I had planned. I was so distraught and drugged up from Xanax-presribed by my doctor a couple of days before his funeral......I didn't remember to do it. I am always looking for him. Every young man close to his age that I see, I have a overwhelming urge to give them a hug. It gets worst......sometimes when I see young children/people, I see them laying in a casket and imagine their mothers sobbing over them! It's horrible, I really feel like  I am being punished. I have had a headache, literally, everyday for the past 16 months since my son was robbed of his youth. Thank you so much to everyone for listening to me and I am grateful that I can feel comfortable enough to express my feelings because sometimes I feel like it is pointless to say these things to others that have not experienced such a profound lost.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 5, 2011 at 9:52pm

Hey Norma and all that care to listen, I too, don't feel like I could ever delete my son's cell phone number either nor get rid of the rest of his clothes and sneakers that I have.........my younger son took some of his brother's hats and tea shirts but I can't give anything to anyone else. The thought of someone giving my son's things away thrust me into a panic attack. There is no "right time' for anyone to lose the people we cherish, no matter if it's your child, parent, sibling or a dear friend.....unfortunately, I only know the agonizing pain of losing my son, I have not lost a parent or sibling or a spouse but have a pretty good idea of how it may feel. I had went to a support group once for parents that are grieving over the loss of their child and there were many parents there that expressed that they had also experienced the loss of siblings and parents but that the pain from losing their child was the absolute worst, they all felt like they would never be able to accept it. It's amazing how "happy" I thought I used to be before my son passed away. Sometimes I feel sooooooooo guilty if I laugh at a funny joke or something funny on TV, my laughter quickly turns into silence, I think about my son's laugh and his favorite shows and it saddens me that I can't hear him laugh. For the last the last 17 months I have been tormented with thoughts of my son crying for me to help him, I imagine how afraid he must have been when he was critically injured...it' can be very tormenting at times. My son had a massive brain injury from the motorcycle crash and stopped fighting a week after being in the intensive care unit.

I miss my son so much, thanks again for listenig.

Permalink Reply by Joan Hardin on April 3, 2011 at 11:38pm

I miss my Jessica. I struggle a little bit more everyday to understand why and how this happened. I feel guilty because my illness is progressing faster and faster since she was killed. I feel guilty because it isn't fair to her sisters, brother or her niece and the children her sisters are pregnant, that in a lot of ways i have given up.I have started volunteering at the church food bank and have even attempted going back to church. People keep telling me to focus on the family i have left instead of dwelling on Jessica. I don't know how to do that. How do I forget giving birth to her, i cant and dont want to ever forget what an amazing young woman she is and how do i erase the pain of her being taken from us so soon. I am truely thankfull for all of you here that read my words without judgement and with such compassion and understanding. God bless you all.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 4, 2011 at 8:46pm

Hello Norma and everyone. I started this discussion because I felt like I was drowning in my sorrow despite people telling me that each day that passes will ease my pain and that I will be able to move on. Yeah right! Maybe some are able to "move on" but for me, the mere thought of moving on makes me feel like people expect me to forget my son and his whole life that he had. God knows my heart and knows how severely weakened my once strong faith is. The first year, I felt like my faith was totally destroyed. I know that people have all kinds of different beliefs and may practice different religions, so I generally don't assume that everyone is a christian. They could be christian, muslim, jewish, buddhist, hindu and I am sure many others, all I can say is if someone's faith works for them by comforting them, that's could good for them. It's really sad that nothing comforts me, I have constantly been told......and I know they mean well......that GOD never gives you more than you can bare,  well I happen to disagree with that, this is pretty much unbearable. My biggest distruction to my health is my anger, which will probably only lesson once and if the responsible person for robbing my young son of his life, is held accountable. I do talk to God and ask for relief but it has NOT come and some days I feel like I am being punished. Thanks again to all for listening, much love to all!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 5, 2011 at 9:24pm

Thanks Norma. Really appreciate your support.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on April 4, 2011 at 9:03pm

Hello Joan and everyone. I miss my son more than words can say. I volunteer at my youngest's child school 3-4 days a week. It is a very good distraction from my pain but merely a "distraction". I help in my child's 1st grade class. Somedays I imagine all the little boys being my son when he was that age. When I start to feel overwhelmed with sadness, I just discreetly go to the bathroom, the teacher's lounge or I volunteer to do an errand. When I come home, my sadness starts to wear me down. Sometimes it;s hard to function like a "normal" mom to my other children. I do the same at home now, when I am feeling overwhelmed, I disappear, I go to another room or outside to sit in my car because my other children can't bear to see me in so much pain and they want me to just "stop", likes it's something that I can just turn off. I am so greatful for this site so I can express myself to those, who unfortunately understand.

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on April 29, 2011 at 4:32am

i lost my son only 3 mos ago and sometimes i still try to pick up the phone to call him, it feels like tornado goes off in my head. i dont even understand the pain that i am having but when they make a rule book on how to grieve, i guess we will see cause so far i cant even control one minute let along a whole day. The pain is still so fresh that it seems unbelievable hat this really happened to me and that Matthew is really gone. It is not getting better, it is getting worse. As the realization hits me everyday i feel the pain go deeper and sort of embed itself into part of who i am now/ i doubt it will ever leave me. i know he is with God and that brings me comfort but i still feel like i am in a state of shock some days, its not really getting better.

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