Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by anne on September 28, 2010 at 4:20pm

I get that! I cant believe I'm not the only one who puts up with this crap! When I lost my youngest son at the age of 12 I heard that same stupid comment. 3 years ago I lost my oldest son and I got the same stupid comment over and over and I would just like to say that somehow there has to be a line that stupid people cant cross and thats one of them. What do they think we just forget about the ones we lose and say " oh well I still have the other kids" You know I'm glad that people dont know how it feels or they cant imagine how it feels to lose a child but they should also have to respect those who have and be damn grateful.

Permalink Reply by Connie on September 25, 2011 at 8:37am

It has been 56 days since I lost my 32 yr old son to suicide.  I am still in the raw emotional stage (well depending on which hour of the day).  I realize some people mean well when asking "how I am doing" I usually state "as well as can be expected" and then ask them how they are doing.  One guy I work with responded, just "hanging" in there.  That is how my son died.  He may not have known the way my son died, but the words stung just the same.  I only could just turn around and walk away.

Permalink Reply by Joan Hardin on March 15, 2011 at 7:49pm

I get told that as well, they tell me that I should be grateful for the 3 children I have left instead of grieving for the one that was killed. So when they say how much they miss ther sister am I supposed to tell them to be happy they still have sibling that weren't killed? It doesn't work that way, she was taken for all of us not just me. My son lost a sister that loved and adored him, my grand children lost their aunt, they will never know what an amazing person she is.

Permalink Reply by Mistie Bybee on October 1, 2009 at 5:01pm

COMMENTS:"Wow I just don't know how you get up!, I don't know how I would ever survive!, You must be a strong person to "deal" with this!" What I feel like saying is "Oh wow I did not realize I had a choice in whether I survived this or not!!!!! For some reason my mutilated heart keeps right on beating inspite of everything and wow another day has passed! Strong hell no I am not strong I bawl DRIVING to work, at work, driving home from work, at home, in bed, in the shower.
But probably the comment that sent me off my hinges but I kept my cool because I am so "strong" was "WOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF PICTURES OF HIM YOU NEED TO PUT THEM AWAY, DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON!!!" My response in my mind of course was "WHAT THE F@&$ ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT IS ALL I HAVE LEFT IS PICTURES AND MEMORIES WHY WOULD I PUT THEM AWAY??????
IT WOULD BE EASIER IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST SAY YOUR IN MY PRAYERS.

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on December 18, 2009 at 8:33pm

I am new to this site but have loved hearing your thoughts. I loved this discussion in particualar. Just to clarify, I have not lost a child, but have lost my Dad to and two Grandfathers to cancer and both of my Nanas through different causes. My Nana died on Xmas Eve and my father died on November 27th, both quite some years ago but always think of them. My partner died suddenly on the 25th of September of this year. And it has knocked me more than any of the other experiences. Or maybe I just forgot how bad it was.

I love the questions that people have asked us all. I can relate to them all.
The "your strong so your going to be OK" certainly takes the cake. I AM NOT STRONG. I did not have a choice in having to deal with this so I am going to have to cope or not because. I like what Mistie said and she sounds just like me. I am surprised that I have not been pulled over by the police who monitor the harbour bridge as they probably think I'm planning on jumping off as I have cried back and forth for work very day for the last three months. There ain't no where that I don't cry...and sometimes it just hits when I least expect.

I had my Mum, two weeks after my partner died phone up to see if I was OK? She was just worrying I know but told her what she needed to hear...that I was OK. And then she says "but you just sound so sad" . I told her that it was just a hunch but it may have something to do with my partner having died two weeks ago? And yes, I know I should be over it but I must just be in an abnormally lengthy grief process?

Another one, is "you just have to remember the good times" In other words just wipe the memory of him dead on the floor with me doing CPR and then having him pronounced dead. I'm sure I will have absolutely no problem eraseing that memory so that I can just hold onto all the fun stuff.

You guys are great. I could really do with help with getting through Xmas. Hate watching couples holding hands and can't cope with shopping...the effort of appearing and acting normal is so exhausting that it makes me feel physically faint!

Can't wait to hear more gems, it has actually made me smile...they are so bad it is funny!

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on April 28, 2011 at 9:27am

i like this Mistie Bybee

Permalink Reply by Charlotte on February 7, 2010 at 4:29pm

Thank goodness other people have posted the dumb and insensitive remarks that have fallen upon their ears too!!!

I lost my son, Jeremy on Thanksgiving Day to a drug overdose which is hard to internalize but what people say can be so insensitive!

1. I don't know how you bare the loss of your child? I said "I have no choice" to that dumb remark.

2. Another person said "It was for the best because Jeremy would have never stopped using drugs." That's like giving my son a death sentence just because he had an addiction.

3. This person said, "You need to go back to work" even though I do not have to at 62...I thought to myself that I will return when I am good and ready.

4. A friend who is a nurse wants us to go skiing and stay in our cabin which is where I was told that my son died amidst a room full of family thank goodness; I cried there, and spent the night grieving the death of my son and planning his funeral. She told my husband that I needed to go on and just put it behind me. Only a parent who has lost a child would know how truly insensitive that remark can be to a grieving parent. She also said "What if he had died at your house"? My husband set her straight after that remark and let her know that there are too many memories in that cabin at the moment and he wanted me to go through this grieving peacefully without being reminded of what happened in that cabin for a week while my friend and her husband had fun.

Well, let's see what happened after I received the dreaded phone call of my son's death from my sister: The whole family was coming to the cabin that weekend so I had to tell my 82 year old Dad that his grandson was dead; I had to tell Jeremy's daughter and x-wife of Jeremy's death when they came to the cabin and I had to phone Jeremy's Father and tell him of his son's death from this cabin. I had the responsibility to tell each person and take so many phone calls. Well, need I say more.....

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on March 3, 2010 at 1:20pm

Charlotte - I truly think that this is probably the most insensitive thing I have heard! I'm so glad your husband put her straight! Hugs hun xx

Permalink Reply by Pam Brooks on April 26, 2010 at 4:35pm

My own father said to me, after I told him that my daughter and his granddaughter had passed away was "Now you don't have anybody, do you?" No dad, I sure don't except for you who could care less whether she was dead or alive! So insensitive.

Permalink Reply by Kar on April 26, 2010 at 8:16pm

((( HUGS PAM )))

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on April 28, 2011 at 9:29am

xoxoxxoxoxo

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 11:35am

Greetings Sheryl, I feel the same way about heart felt hugs. Sometimes if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Unless you are going to tell me how to get my son back!

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