Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen Custy on February 17, 2011 at 11:53pm

This poem brought me to tears...it is what I think about every day since my daughter Lisa passed away...I am tired to hearing the words ....I know people are trying to comfort me and be kind, but I am alone in my sorrow, my lonliness is harsh, and no matter what words come to me from others, I can't find healing there.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on February 18, 2011 at 4:41pm

Greetings Karen C., once again I am sorry to hear your loss. No one can truly understand if they have NOT walked in our shoes. My son's birthday is tomorrow.....the 19th and I think of the day of his wonderful birth even more so now. I took for granted that my children would be around to bury me.  Life can be so cruel, the joy you once felt can be sucked out of you in an instant. For me, accepting what has happened to my son.........means that it is "OK". Well it's NOT OK. I don't know if I will ever feel different.......maybe I will, maybe I won't. I have cried everyday for the past 15 months. I hope that we will all be "ok" one day.

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on July 17, 2011 at 6:00pm

I agree with you "It's NOT OK" !! We were given these precious bundles of joy and they were snatched away from us without warning. Life is very cruel. Aug 13 will be 2 yrs since I lost my 21 yr daughter and I also have cried everyday. It never stops. You never run out of tears you never stop hurting and each day is worse than the other because that's just one more day without them. People who never lost a child no matter the age of that child really do NOT have any idea what we are going through and the intensity of our pain. I also will NEVER accept losing my little..EVER!! It is so UNACCEPTABLE to lose a child. No parent should have to bury their babies. My mom lost my baby sister in '74 who was only 2 months old to SIDS and up until when my daughter left me I never really truly knew how she felt and how horrible her pain was. I am angry,hurt, upset,lost and broken. I just pray that one day my pain will ease just a little but so far like I said everyday is worse. What do we do to survive? How can we fully be here for our spouses and surviving children when we are falling apart and don't know how to help ourselves?

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 26, 2011 at 9:37am

Greetings Julie and everyone. I am still having so many sleepless nights.I end up being exhausted all day. As I lay there in my bed, my mind just does so many horrible things to me. I can see clearly how happy I was when i gave birth to my son, I see all the events of my son's life from birth up to his passing........that's the vision that i struggle to block out. i'm am tortured by my thoughts of  the circumstances that led to my son's demise and how helpless he was. I see him smiling and I see him crying, I see him dancing at his grandparents anniversity  party, I see him riding his bike when he was 5 yrs old.....I could go on and on. I wish this torture would end but I know it wont.

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on July 26, 2011 at 10:29am

Good morning Karen,

I know exactly what you mean. I go through the same thing every second of everyday. There is no relief from the pain. I also feel tortured. The joy of her birth and how she would hold her little arms straight up in the air when she started walking. Her hauling butt down the driveway on her little purple car when she was 2. I have so much wonderful memories of my beautiful little girl. She had such a wonderful personality and sense of humor. She would do these silly little dances..even at the age of 21 lol..I found a video of her when she was 20 doing some crazy dance and you can hear me in the back ground laughing so hard I thought I was gonna pee myself lol. By watching the video it made my pain worse because now this is all I have. Videos,pictures and memories. Never again to make new ones. Although I was not with her the morning she left me I am tortured by the vision of her sitting on the floor next to her boxes she was trying to unpack and looking like she was sleeping. That is how my oldest daughter found her. I hear my oldest daughter screaming to me in the phone that Jessi is d..d..(I can't even say the word...  i was an hour away from her. I keep thinking if I could've got there sooner she would've known I was there and woke up even though she had been gone for a couple hours at least. I just kept thinking for me she would start breathing again and wake up. I don't know how we are suppose to just accept the fact that this is a part of life. I'm sorry but I don't believe that losing a child should be a part of life. No parent should have to go through the pain and torment we go through every second of every day. Our minds never rest. It's almost like an obsession..it's something that never goes away and never gets easier. I will never accept this I will never understand. There is no healing this broken shattered heart.    Like you ,this torture will never end. We are trapped in this world of saddness and sorrow. I want to see her again so bad that I imagine her walking through the door or catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye. One day not too long after she left me I was on my mail route and thinking of her and starting singing some Cher song that she used to goof around to and I sinced something next to me and there she was sitting right there singing away with me. I pulled over and was hysterical. She was there for just a brief moment but she was so beautiful and happy. We used to sing together all the time when we'd drive.  Oh Karen how do we go on. How do we survive without our babies. I  also have the same problem with my mind. It really does do horrible things. It makes me believe she's not really gone..but then it snaps me back into reality. I have so many things too that go through my mind constantly. All the what if's anad why's. So many things just won't go away. Like the smell at the funeral and the feeling on my hand when I stroked her head. I can't get off my hand what I felt. I Just so many things..even in life. The feel of her hugging me.Riding bikes together. Her last Mothers Day with me she bought her and I each matching bikes and we'd ride all around the neighborhood together and she'd be snapping pictures of me while riding lol. What a precious little angel I have. She was my angel in life and now she is my guardian angel.  It's getting so close to the date when I lost her that I just can't bear it. I want to just skip past August entirely. I'm losing my mind. Thank you for listening. I just needed to vent a little as well. I share your pain. God Bless

Hugs

Julie

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 26, 2011 at 4:28pm

Oh sweet Julie! I know, I know ! I have no idea how I am surviving either. Just today I was in Mcdonald's with my little one and as we were sitting down and I became fixated on a boy that reminded me of my 21yr old son. I became so emotional as my tears started to flow, I imagined that he was my son with his friends, I watched with envy as they laughed and talked, I tried to hide that I was watching his every move. My 7 yr old caught what I was doing and asked me to please not cry. I thought I was the only one that cant say or write the dreaded "D" word, passed away or passed over sounds less harsh, even though when I tell people that my son passed away, it still sounds foreign to me, it makes no sense. It's still difficult for me to speak of my son in the past tense, I speak of him in the present tense, because he is my baby and will always be my baby.

Thanks.

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on July 26, 2011 at 5:16pm

I always just say she "left" anything else really does sound foreign and so final. I know what you mean. I thought I've seen my daughter walking down the street before and I got so excited I'm like there she is..she's coming home. I don't have to look for her anymore. How hard that must have been for you to see that boy. I don't even allow anyone around me to say to "D" word. My family has learned that the word "left" is what I have to use. Jessica is included in our conversations everyday no matter what it is. Just like she's here.  Jessica was also 21. She left me 1 month and 2 days before her 22nd birthday. August 13th will be 2 years since she left me. I hope one day we can figure out how to deal with our paing. There are and will always be our babies. I sit on my front porch alot and talk to her. My youngest so name the brightest star after Jessica so that's what I look at when I talk to her. I keep a journal now so I can write letters to her  or just angry words or sad words. Just whatever I'm feeling. I feel like such a failure as a mom because I couldn't save her. I ask her all the time why she left me. We'll get through this together.

Hugs

Julie

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on July 17, 2011 at 5:48pm

I love this poem. I cried hysterically while reading it. I lost my 21 yr daughter almost 2 yrs ago and every day the pain is getting more and more intense. It's so unbearable. I can barely function at times. Jessica is always in my head. Everything I do she's there. I can be carrying on a conversation with someone or out with the family and the whole time every second all I think of is her. She was not only my precious baby girl but my best friend. She was my 2nd of 6 children. A huge part of me has died. How do I live a normal life?? How do I survive this horrible loss?? So far my way of dealing with it is living in denial. I just make myself believe she'll be walking through the front door anytime now...or she'll be calling me soon. So many times I have gone to pick up the phone to call her or look out the window for her. My grief for her is consuming my life. Thoughts and memories of her are also consuming me. I can think of nothing else. Only Jessica. God why did you take her from me. I wasn't done yet. Lord help me! 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 17, 2011 at 11:04pm

Hey Julie and everyone, I think I am living in denial and I am still hoping that all of this is my imagination, it NEVER happened. My son consumes my every thought. I will NEVER stop looking for him, I still expect him to open up the door and head straight for the fridge. The thought of giving away his things, still throws me into a frenzy, I literally have a panic attack. I am still trying to figure out why do some people want me to believe that this is "OK".......how the hell can this be "OK"!  How can I honestly say that God does not give us more than we can bare.......this is unbareable!!!!! I still feel like my son son and I were both robbed of his life, for God's sake, he is my baby, only 21 yrs old!!!!!!! Think of my pregnancy with him and every singe labor pain I had when I gave birth to him. I think about how all of that pain, quickly turned into so much joy and comfort. I think about all of my plans I had for him and all of his goals that he set for himself. People don't get it that our children are not just a "memory" to us, they will forever be our babies, no matter what their age is. Posting my true feelings so openly is so important to me, especially knowing that it will be read by others that truly understand, although, it's unfortunate that we are a part of this club.

Permalink Reply by Melissa Szuch on July 25, 2011 at 7:43pm

Thank you for posting this

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 22, 2011 at 3:01pm

I was wondering if I wrote this and didn't realize it!?!? This is sad but just what we need to hear to know that we are all going through this Grief thing together and we all have VERY similar feelings!!! We are not going crazy, but we are, we'll all go together!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 8:18pm

Hey Maria, if you don't mind me asking......who did you lose?

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