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Comment by Alice Thompson on July 27, 2020 at 12:53pm

Hello friends, thank you for sharing your feelings here, which continue to make me feel accompanied in my grief. I came back to this site having left a while ago, but I have still been reading. Nothing has changed for me, I still miss him, I still have such trouble appreciating all that this life offers. I’m not against meeting someone else, but it hasn’t happened. I have a good life, I can’t complain. It’s just this simple thing that’s wrong - I once coexisted with a kind of twin being who loved me wholly and who I loved the same, and now that he’s gone, all else is pale and clunky by comparison. I know his spirit is with me in a very real way. But I find it hard to hold onto that knowledge. On I plod...

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 24, 2020 at 5:35pm

Thank you so much Joe for your kind response. I really appreciate it, and especially your inclusiveness of people of other religions. Yes, in the end, God, or Allah, or Jesus, or Yahweh is the ONE. Muslims, Christians, Catholics, and Jews all pray to the same ONE God. Thanks for recognizing this.  

I wait for my time to come patiently and do not entertain the thought of taking my own life as tempting as it might seem at times as this will, according to my religious beliefs, categorically and irrevocably bar me from reuniting with Joseph in the afterlife. I do not know with certainty whether I will be reunited with him or not--I hope and pray with all my heart that I will--but I will not do anything that might jeopardize my chance of reunion with him after I die. I can wait out 20-25 years if that is how much longer I must live, as hellish and painful that existence here on earth may be, because the prize is way too big to lose sight of. 20-25 years of suffering here without Joseph, when if Joseph and I are blessed, we will be reunited for eternity. So I must be patient.

To live through the days and nights without the love of our life with us is such a torture, but unfortunately, this is the human condition. We must go on living as best as we can and like you say: "The suffering really hurts but I have to go on, for the both of us." I couldn't agree with you more.

I hope Wednesday, the two and half year mark of the loss of your soulmate, was not too excruciatingly painful. I can totally relate to you.

Take care and be patient and hang in there.

Warm regards, Trina

Comment by Joe Kelly on July 20, 2020 at 8:47pm

Thank you Trina for sharing. I too at times don't want to write also. Tomorrow will be exactly two and a half years since I lost my Love. Not as long as most here that still post but the suffering shared by us all is the same. All waking moments as you described above. Each night, I pray to The Creator. There is only ONE. We can cal Him/Her/It: God, Allah, Jesus, Yahweh, or whom ever but it is still the ONE. I pray that my Love and I will be reunited and will give thanks, honor, and praise to the ONE for allowing it to happen. True Love, Two becoming One, must be pleasing to the ONE. Having that choice many years ago of staying or returning to my Love had to be inspired by the ONE. I can't even describe the blissfulness I felt but knew I couldn't stay there. I had to go back.

Then suddenly, She was taken from me. I ask the ONE, why? why? She was SO GOOD! Am I to suffer for my sins of the past (War in particular, and many of the seven deadly sins)? No one is without sin but the ONE. Is there more the ONE wants me to do here? Perhaps, but I don't feel as though I am part of this world anymore and I don't want to be. As you stated above, we have to go on, painful as it is. I'm not in the least afraid of death and could end it tonight if I choose but that would be the easy way out and as I stated in my last post, "It's only a matter of time being old and unhealthy. Nothing to really lose, but all to gain if I just keep believing. The suffering really hurts but I have to go on, for the both of us.

Does writing this comfort me? No, but knowing I'm not alone and other's have the same determination to reunite with their Loves does bring a little comfort. Thanks for sharing.

Joe

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 19, 2020 at 5:18pm

Thank you Elynn, Joe, Linda, and morgan for your posts and for being honest about your innermost thoughts and feelings. Sharing one's most intimate thoughts with others is not an easy thing, yet so many of us find ourselves coming here not only to read others' posts but to share with raw honesty how we are coping with our loss.

It will be 6 years on August 4th that Joseph left me,. Since that day my life has changed to such a degree that it is hard to believe that I am still alive and am going about the business of living. But like the rest of you, what choice do I have? Losing Joseph has been a loss that cannot be measured or put into words as all of you only know too well. 

The first two or three years after I lost the love of my life, coming to this site and reading the posts and sharing would bring me a lot of comfort. As a matter of fact, this site helped keep my sanity and not have a nervous breakdown that I surely would have had if not for the empathy and emotional support from the caring people here. But for a while now, I don't feel like writing anymore. I read the posts, but responding to them no longer brings the comfort that it used to bring in the past.

The past couple of years I just go through my day as best as I can, and when finally I fall asleep around 3:00 or 4:00AM, I thank God for helping me make it through another heavy day without Joseph. As soon as I open my eyes, very late in the day, the first conscious thought is, Joseph is not with me! I will have to make it through another day with a heavy heart and with heavy eyes filled with unshed tears. What a way to go on living!

When I hear all the people expressing fear and anxiety over the pandemic, I think to myself that maybe I will be one of the people who will be taken by this illness and not someone else who wishes to live so badly. But life and the universe are unfair and cruel. People who want to keep on living are taken before their time, and those who like me wish to be reunited with my wonderful husband as soon as possible are languishing here. But I know that while everything in life is uncertain, there is one certainty--death. My time will come, sooner or later, it's not a question of if but when. So I bide my time and trudge through life as best as I can, awaiting that day when I finally will be reunited with my darling Joseph.

Sending empathy and many good wishes for peace to all those who are in the same boat as me. Only the likes of us know what it takes to keep on going without breaking down or without giving up hope to be reunited with our departed soulmate.

And morgan, I am very sorry that you had to face another birthday of your husband who would have turned 71. Those marker days are the hardest... As always, sending you good vibes. Hang in there!

Comment by morgan on July 7, 2020 at 1:12pm

Wise words in response to Elynn, Joe. And Ellyn, I have the same routine and feelings. I scream along working to reestablish myself in a new location which has taken me the last three years out of the seven plus that he has been gone. Then I keep the news on in the background all the time so I don't have to think. Work on the computer and scat around there. Anything to keep me from thinking about what was. And now at this point when i crash I crash hard. It's taken me seven years to get to the point where I can go about three days without crying and that has happened only in the last year. Its my release valve. Of course that has ruined my gut and caused rheumatoid arthritis. I still get around ok but life is essentially a miserable facsimile of living. I would give anything to trade my "living" with someone who has medical issues and wants to live. But as Joe said,as much as what we want to go we don't want to screw it up. So we suffer. And yes, who am I trying to fool? Not myself anymore. I get it. I know I didn't do anything to "deserve" the way I feel now but I have to tough it out. At 68 I am hopeful as I am sure many of you are, that some medical condition will take me and soon. Its all I want. How simple yet so hard.
It is somehow comforting or reassuring when I read how others are honest about how they continue to try to pretend they are living when all we want is to be with our loves. How simple yet so hard.
Thank you for those who come by and let the rest of us know we are not alone in our feelings.
morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2020 at 5:34am

I will never move on.

Comment by Joe Kelly on July 6, 2020 at 10:11am

Thank you for posting Elynn.  Yes, we want them back, and although we know that's impossible, it's like we can't take no for an answer, catch 22.  Friends drift away, kids are busy with work and family. so an occasional visit or call becomes the norm.  That's kind of expected in a way.  We're alone because our Loves are physically gone.  They were our true best friend and our family in a sense (after our kids started their own families).  Everyday becomes the same day now.  Missing them and wanting them back.  Not able to do the things we did together because their absence brings pain remembering that they were the joy in our activities.  I understand now how some "move on" and start new lives.  But that means letting them go in a sense, replacing them in part or almost completely.  I can never do that.  We both felt that way and even acknowledged that we will be together forever in the last couple of minutes of her life.  Would she want me to suffer the way I do?  No.  But at the same time, believing she still exists in another realm waiting for me, would I want her to suffer watching me "move on" without her?  No.  Catch 22.  My experience almost 40 years ago of my consciousness separating from my body after being hit by a truck keeps the hope alive that she is with me, watching and waiting.  I didn't go all the way though and wonder if my consciousness might had just dissipated into the universe.  I don't like to think that and hang onto the hope that we will be reunited.  If I didn't have that hope, I'd be gone not long after her.  I'll never give that hope up, as much as the pain is unbearable at times, because that's my only tomorrow, my only till then, my only goal.  If it doesn't happen, I won't know it.  But if it could've happened and I gave up, what hell would that be for both of us.  I ask God each night that I don't wake up here, but that she wakes me up there.  It's only a matter of time being old and unhealthy.  Nothing to really lose, but all to gain if I just keep believing.  The suffering really hurts but I have to go on, for the both of us.

Joe

Comment by Elynn m on July 5, 2020 at 11:59pm

Haven't been here in awhile.  Thought I was keeping busy, but who am I trying to fool.?   This year will be five years in September since Joe went to be with Jesus.  I miss him so much.   Don't know what to do anymore.   I can only spend so much time on the computer.   Can't work in the garden until 6 at night,  because it's so hot out here in the desert!   I'm tired of politics!!!   Friends are busy with family, so I don't call them anymore.  My best friend moved to Utah this year, and we talk a couple times a month. My kids are always busy, and that's understandable.  

I want my wise husband back!!!    He was always so encouraging.   No problem was too big.   Always made lemonade when given lemons.   He always saw a glass "half full"   instead of "half empty", if you know what I mean.   

Well, I'm thankful that I can come here and express my feelings, because I don't know what else to do..   Thanks for listening!

Comment by Lani M. on June 25, 2020 at 8:06pm

I lost my husband 7 1/2 months ago and it seems like a lifetime ago. I understand and share the pain and loss that most of you feel and I wish I could be with my lost love, too. I know that I will join him again but in the meantime I know that I am still here for a reason. I have no family for support but I feel that God has kept me on earth for a purpose. What that purpose might be I have no idea but I know that he will reveal it to me when he is ready. I cry almost every day but my faith gives me comfort and keeps me strong in my belief that when I have fulfilled my purpose the Lord will take me home and I will be reunited with my beloved. I wish you all could share my faith and the beliefs that give me so much comfort. I will pray for all of you that you find peace and that you will be granted your final wishes.

Comment by morgan on June 25, 2020 at 7:07pm

It's all too hard. Today my husband would have turned 71. In a way I think that number has me thinking that I am able to say to myself "well, over 70 it's borrowed time". So I've lived the seven and half years to get this point on my own. Grueling, hated, overwhelming and in general a miserable time. That part hasn't changed.
What seems to have changed is my willingness and my motivation and my energy to keep pretending that I can make it. That it all is necessary to catch the right bus. It's become a different kind of empty feeling now. One where I am questioning why should I care? Up until now I think I had made up reasons to keep trying. Now, not so much.
I am annoyed with life. I hate what is happening around me and the thought that battling the obstacles of living without finding any joy seems so futile. People are dying because we have no mature leadership. So much I would have found unjust back when, I still see as being so unjust. And yet I am supposed to find a reason to stay alive?
I have one reason still that keeps me from exiting. It's a very emotional reason so I feel so conflicted. Emotionally I want to go. Emotionally I have to stay.
I haven't cried yet today and all the previous years I would be in internal turmoil for at least two weeks or more as our anniversary is also coming up on the 4th. I am so worn out. So much crying for so long. It's taken so much out of me. I still cry, It happens all the time. It's just that I have nothing left. I have been stripped of everything that might have given me any strength. I spent all these years trying and fighting to stay alive. Working so hard in order to run as far and fast from my hole as I can. And yet, the black hole appears and it swallows me whole.
I think of many who used to write more often but like me I think they are worn out. Barely putting one foot forward after so long trying so hard. I always check in and see people losing loved ones. Sometimes I have the energy to write but there are times I just have to go do the next best thing that pays my bills. I feel like a broken record, like I've said the same thing so many times. At 68 I never imagined this would be my old age. It would be so welcome to have my death come soon. An accidental or natural exit would solve the problem I struggle with daily. Missing him...... missing him terribly.
Thanks to all and each of you who are bearing the burden of loss along with me. It is always a comfort to know my struggles are not unusual or abnormal.
morgan

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