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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by morgan on
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Thank you bluebird for always encapsulating the horror movie we live in in a way that is gentle but firm. I can only nod my head in agreement with each of the points you made because I am so exhausted by trying to explain this widowing to myself much less to others. At times it is searing and then I jump on here and cry myself out. Or sometimes I do it in my living room to the universe. But then I have to get up to live another day. And then I pretend that somehow, some way I will make it without collapsing into my safe space.
Its been way too long since I have seen and held my husband. All I can do is hope that it isn't much longer.
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Sorry to see all of your stories here... Good to see you again, Bluebird.
There is nothing worse than this. I will be at 4 years in June. After a while at least for me, the acute pain just became dull pain. I have heard that grief is love turned inside out. No one who hasn't been here can imagine what it's like. I will never move on. I will move forward with her.
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Jeff, Amazing isn't it? I keep asking myself how it is I could still hurt so much from having my husband no longer with me on this earthly plane. Not because I don't know it isn't possible but more, what is it that keeps me banging my head against the wall (metaphorically speaking). And yes,yes, yes to the claim "no one who hasn't been here can imagine what its like." I kind of knew my husbands diabetes might possibly take him before me and so in my head, while saying I "could" go first, yet knowing it likely would be him, I was thinking I would understand the ramifications of living without him. OMG, there is nothing in my life where I could have been more wrong.
Bluebird is able to drill down to the nub of this pain. I am so grateful for her honesty. It was what drew me here in the first place. No rose colored glasses and just brutal honesty couched in rational explanations.
All of us are still surviving which seems contrary to anything I've ever learned. I guess my only refuge is to somehow convince myself that yes, the other side does exist and even if it is being withheld from me for right now my brain continues to ask the universe to come get me asap. I guess I keep hoping determination will win the day.
morgan
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Morgan,
Over the years I have thought that Bluebird gets it much more than almost everyone who has written about this - at least from my point of view. At the root of this, I think, it's the absence of their presence that hurts so much. I saw this quote recently and it really nails it:
"The reality if that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss that you have suffered, You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Morgan,
Thank you; I sometimes hesitate to speak (type) the truth of how this is for me, as the last thing I want to do is make it worse for anyone else. At the same time, I know that it helped me to find others online whose truth was similar to mine, and who were honest in saying so (as opposed to those in the "It's sad and horrible that my spouse/partner died, but s/he would want me to be happy and move on", etc. -- they may not be wrong, for them, but it's not how it is for me). I hope what I wrote helps Martee, and doesn't make things harder for her. You and I, Morgan, are so similar in how our husbands' deaths affect us.
Jeff -- for me the pain is sometimes acute, sometimes dull. Usually dull only when I have to get shot done, like stuff at work. But my husband is always in my heart and on my mind, and there are still many times when I just lay in bed, crying and keening.
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I read and log on and many times I just freeze up. It's over two years and I should be with her already and though I don't think it will be too much longer, every minute of every waking and sometimes sleeping moment is a nightmare. I have no distractions. I have everything ready. Even pre paid my wake, and here I sit in my jail cell constantly talking to her. My daily devotional visit to the cemetery is as best it gets for me during the day. She's not really there, her remains are. She's with me. I just can't see her as no one could see me when I had my OBE, but I could see them. Yes, Bluebird, we're married and will be forever. It's forever, not till death due us part. They can't come back because unlike with my own experience, they have no body to accept them back, mine could. She is in a higher dimension and the only way for me to be with her is to go to where I briefly was. That's where she is. That's where I have to go to be with her. Even knowing that will eventually happen doesn't stop the constant pain of waiting. Oh, what a joyful indescribable experience that will be. To be able to just adore her for all eternity. How will it be? I don't know. Will we be able to physically see one another or just enjoin our spiritual energy, knowing we're ONE. Yes, I'd like to be kind of like we were here, seeing and interacting, but I don't know that part. Perhaps our spiritual energy becoming ONE is better. I never got that far. All I know is that I have to go to her and I believe I will. That's my only till then.
Joe
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Joe,
I wish I had your faith/assurance that there is an afterlife in which we will be reunited with our loves. I so hope that you are right about that. I think it would make this a tiny bit easier for me if I knew beyond any doubt that my husband and I will be together again.
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I kept my husband’s ashes, I keep them next to me all day, move them to his nightstand at night.
Been 3 weeks...
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Hope these rituals bring comfort to you, Martee. I have kept the ashes of my husband as well, just don’t want to part with them. It has been more than three years since his death — but I don’t feel like there is a particular timeline, at least not one that is meaningful to me. I also have photographs of him on display and they help me, including a lovely one from his last birthday that I keep on the nightstand, so I can see him last thing before the lights go out.
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Bluebird,
It doesn't make it easier so to speak. What will help is when I allow my doctor to do some imaging, in the weeks or perhaps a couple of months ahead, I'll let him scan me, and since now I know something is spreading (cancer, long story for here, but medical family members). Nothing else. No biopsies, treatment of any kind except pain management if it gets bad enough. He knows my wishes and is very good about it. Just so he has something to put on my death cert. That's when I will feel some relief, finality, even perhaps joyful (haven't had a joyful moment since she passed).
Look at your initial post Bluebird. I could had written it almost word for word if not for my experience.
In your last post "I think it would make this a tiny bit easier for me if I knew beyond any doubt that my husband and I will be together again."
Yes, I so strongly believe we will be reunited again when I shed this body. She passed believing that as we both acknowledged that we will during our death bed conversation (I think that's important because I believe both have to want it to happen), and that's all I'll be thinking about when I pass. I won't know "beyond a doubt" until it happens though.
I existed outside my body and if it happened to me, it happened to her, and must happen to everyone. Can't go beyond that because I didn't go all the way. I believe I had a choice though because I felt like I could stay there forever, but the thought of her made the decision "No, I can't go yet". It was in a flash but as I dove back, I could see myself getting closer and closer and entering back in.
Being a skeptic, I tried like hell to poke holes in it but through all these years, couldn't. It happened and who would think that 35 years later, I would need to have had this experience.
Martee, so sorry you had to find your way here. You are still in shock stage. I tried psychologist, bereavement groups and church but nothing worked for me. Perhaps they can work for you.
I still sleep with a towel she sat on in her wheel chair every night covering me. Stay close and share whatever way you want. It doesn't lesson the pain but knowing there are others feeling similar helps a little.
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Joe,
Thank you for your posts. Even though you don't have absolute proof of an afterlife, your out-of-body experience seems to have provided you with some level of surety, which I think is wonderful, and I must admit I'm jealous of you for that.
Also, while my husband and I didn't leave anything unsaid (I mean, we always said "I love you", we had no major resentments, we hadn't had a right before he died , etc.), because his death was so sudden and unexpected, we never had a conversation like you and your wife did, about being reunited after death. Prior to my husband's death, he was agnostic verging on atheist (he acknowledged that there might possibly be a god and/or an afterlife, but he really didn't think either existed), while I was what I called a "hopeful agnostic", meaning that I didn't know if a loving God and/or an afterlife existed, but I hoped so. Now I am agnostic verging on atheist, and if there is a god it owes me a fucking explanation, and even then I doubt I would accept it.
Regarding your health -- I understand where you're coming from, and I feel the same way. It's good that you have a doctor who understands and respects your wishes.
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