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Comment by morgan on June 22, 2019 at 10:42am

Robin, thank you.  Bluebird was the honesty that i discovered on this site that made it possible for me to express what I go through.  Several others who write let me know too.  I tend to reach out here, particularly when I am scurrying for my hole.  Some of the rest of the time I "function".  I isolate as much as possible.  I am working towards an end that allows me to do that more as it seems the only place where I don't have to constantly try to survive the bombs that go off.  Distraction has been the bailiwick that keeps me from taking my life at this point but after 6 and half years I am finding my soul is totally depleted pretending.  Like you said, its an act.  When he went missing, so did I.  I have not recovered.  I am not going to "get through it".  I am not a pessimist.  I just know what he was for me.  From second grade through the age of 61 I know he was the flame, in the crucible of my heart.  I long for death in the hopes that we reconnect. Who knows what happens?  I just know that the misery I live and the fight I have to put up on a daily basis which most people would say I have succeeded in dealing with is not enough for me.  In fact, it is nothing to me.  My life stopped having a real purpose the day he died.  I can say that here and I can say that to a couple people close to me that try to understand but no one understands it better than me.  No one experiences the pain like me.  But that is because no one had the love that I had wth the one person who really wanted to spend eternity with me.  And eternity is yet to be understood.......

Thank you for writing.  It helps to know that our suffering has no time limit on it.  And I am sorry that you are feeling worse.  I believe I can understand how that happens.  Some of us just had the fire that was unquenchable and we are now slowly dying of thirst.

Comment by Robin on June 22, 2019 at 10:06am

Hi Morgan - I lost my husband John, 9 years ago, when he was 46.  I come to this website every now & then, but have only commented a few times.  I relate most to you and Bluebird.  I can't believe it's been 9 years, and most people don't want to hear about it, especially after this long, they don't understand, and think you should be "over it" by now.  I'll never get over it, we were together for 20 years,no kids, we had a dog that was our baby, and John was my best friend.  I don't want to scare anyone that has just lost their love, but I feel lately that I feel worse, lonely.  I have a job I love, which keeps me busy & distracted, but weekends are the worst.  I've pretty much isolated myself over these years,  it's too hard to keep up the act that I'm ok.  I self medicated for several years, but have stopped that, and honestly I can't say I feel better, if I was able to, I would keep taking what I was taking... I understand how you feel Morgan, I can feel the pain in the post, for what it's worth, you're not alone in that.  

Comment by morgan on June 22, 2019 at 9:47am

I really don't know what to say to all the newer people who come here looking for help and comfort because I have struggled for years. I did find an article written by a psychotherapist just the other day that made some sense to me about the phases of grief but then I've read enough to choke a horse. Hers was written from the viewpoint of having experienced the death of her husband and prior to that she had been a counselor about issues of abandonment from the results of a divorce. Even she realized after her husband died that there was a huge difference between any other kind of mental break with reality other than the death of a spouse. Check her out if you want. Susan Anderson, abandonment.net . Maybe you can relate.
Doesn't change my own situation though, just another way to see the present. Bottom line is he's dead and I'm alive and I miss him every moment of every day. I think being here on this website and finding postings that cover the feelings of what each of us are going through is what is helpful. That others can relate. Each circumstance is different but the same kind of bomb seems to go off. Today I wake up to another situation where I am angry and overwhelmed by the futility of moving air around with no purpose. I am decidedly feeling more angst than I had been last week and likely as not it will change again next week. I am exhausted with trying to beat living without his support. I do not see an escape. I am thoroughly conflicted as to how to change my situation and have it become "better". I have lived two places since our home together and tried out a third for awhile. Location doesn't seem to matter for me. I am in essence another lost soul looking for its mate.....

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 20, 2019 at 6:24am

Dear Morgan & Trina,

Both of your posts mirror my thoughts exactly. I thank God we have this website helping us support one another. We are the only ones who know how much we are all suffering from losing our spouses. Each day we have to go on living despite a pain that will never go away.

I was thinking of moving but just can't do it. The home I live in now is the last house we lived in together and it makes me still feel he is close by.

It is a good feeling to know I can come here when I am having a rough day. I can't thank everyone enough for your support and kind words.

Linda  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 20, 2019 at 12:23am

Dear morgan,

I am so sorry that you are having another especially rough day. It just doesn't go away, does it? We hope and pray that with time the pain will ease, but sights, sounds, smells trigger a particular memory with/of our beloved and all the progress we made over the years goes tumbling down. At least, this is what it is like for me. It will be five years this August, and the pain has quieted down some, but some days it is just too unbearable. These past few days have been unbearable for me; harder and more painful than usual.

The moving is triggering the memories--the good ones associated with certain things that I am coming across as I am packing, and the painful ones from the the last move. The likes of us don't get a break; it is relentless. People who haven't experienced this kind od loss have absolutely NO CLUE of what it is like to survive the love of your life.

Last week I went for my annual eye check up (I am on glaucoma suspect list) and the doctor found some broken eye vessels but didn't know what caused it. I have a theory but didn't share my theory with him: crying buckets these past five years; normally people don't shed as many tears like we do everyday or every week. I think the amount of tears I have been shedding since Joseph's passing is equal to five lifetimes for me when I had Joseph...

Sending good thoughts your way, Morgan, that's all I can say. There is nothing I or anyone else can say or do that will take away the insurmountable pain that you have to live with. But please know that we on this site understand, relate to it, and deeply empathize with you and everybody else here who has to struggle day in and day out to keep our sanity and and keep going. We keep going not because we want to, but because we are alive. I am still alive against my deepest wishes, but alive I am, and there's nothing I can do about it (I will not take my own life, that's not an option as I believe in the afterlife). So we just have to bear it until our time comes to go join our beloved.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by morgan on June 19, 2019 at 8:30pm

Another day, another breakdown.  Going through the motions.  Working like crazy so I can put enough into place so I can pull back a little bit and still pay the bills.  Why?  Because I am alive.  Does it matter?  No, essentially I am very tired of fighting the emotional impact of losing my husband.  And the answer is not to find even more to do to try and substitute or pretend that I am functioning while inside I am a mess. No the answer is one I am unable to take.  Which leads right back to square one.........hating my very existence.  My anger at having to live is growing.  Before it was a desperation to try and get to the next minute or the next hour without breaking down.  Now the frequency of the breakdowns has lessened but the intensity has increased.  In other words it looks like I am adjusting when technically I am getting worse because I cant find anything to comfort me at all.  Before I thought I would run into something.  Now I know that is never going to happen.  That alone confirms how broken I am.  

I am preparing to die.  I can hope it will be a natural death.  I am not there yet to do it myself but I really wonder if I might get to that point now that it is so clear to me that this is never going to go away.  It is never going to get better.  That I miss him more than life itself.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 16, 2019 at 6:30am

Happy Father's Day to my Husband Julian in Heaven. I miss you so much.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 15, 2019 at 6:07pm

I started to compose a blow by blow sequence of events of my loves illness and passing but it became too painful and couldn't continue.  Here we share how we are feeling grieving our lost Loves.  In reality, most of my underlying grief stems from her grief of knowing she was leaving me.  It's like I'm grieving for both of us.  Too hard to explain but if I were able to complete what I started to write, I think you would understand.  I believe in the afterlife as I shared my experience and I'm stuck here and she is there.  We're both waiting to be reunited.  I just hope she is feeling the blissfulness that I felt with my OBE while waiting for me.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 15, 2019 at 3:38pm

No matter how we express our thoughts, we are all in the same boat together. We just keep waiting for it to sink so we can join our loved ones.

Comment by bluebird on June 15, 2019 at 12:24pm

M Adams,
I totally understand; I detest being around happy families, and especially happy couples. It's not that I want anything bad to happen to them, I definitely do not. It's just that they have what my beloved and I should still have, a happy life together on this planet.
As far as what everyone else is saying, I see your points and somewhat agree with them, but it is a bit different for me. As far as IAM concerned, I am no longer living, this is not a/my/our real life. My life ended when my husband died, for real. This is a poor replica, a simulacrum, a hell in which I am forced to exist until my body does as I wish and stops, at which point I will be with my husband again if there is an afterlife, and if there is no afterlife at least I will no longer feel this pain. I don't know if I'm being as clear as I mean to be....it's as though this "life" is some horrible alternate reality. It is NOT my life. I will NEVER "accept" what has happened, nor will I ever "move on" (that asinine cliche). I will drag myself miserably from day to day until I die, and that's all. And FUCK whatever "god" allows this, if any such bastard exists.

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