Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by morgan on January 5, 2018 at 12:25am

Pamela,
I am so sorry that you are still having to endure the pain from the loss of your loving husband.  At two years, I was still exactly where you are.  In fact, it took me through the third year and hitting the fourth before I started to feel like I could function at all.  And when I mean function I mean not having anxiety at every little thing I had to do.  And when I say anxiety it was more than just a bit of a challenge to tackle something I didn’t know how to do.  It was full blown overwhelming doing all the things I knew already how to do and a nuclear meltdown when it was something he had normally done for both of us.  Well into the fourth year I saw myself doing a bit of a transition.  My brain got a bit better at blocking thoughts of him and relating everything we did together to things I now had to do by and for myself.  In this fourth year, I have realized that staying as far away from people and events where I have to explain why I am alone help me from breaking down and though he is constantly every second in my thoughts I can function and do things rather than just lay down and not move so much of the time.  Although there are days I do just that.

Now I am soon to hit the five-year mark. I spend most of my time alone and find it keeps me from having others not understand how I could still be so broken.  I can’t understand it myself so I guess I can’t expect others to understand it either.  I still have anxiety but staying away from everything helps control parts of that.  But there are many times I will just start thinking about him and I start getting nauseous and I can tell the crying is going to start.  Doesn't take much.  I can get through most of a day now but depending on what kind of sleep I had (or didn’t, which has yet to become routine) I might cry when I wake up.  Lately it has been bad again at night. I procrastinate about going to bed at night because I hate the empty bedroom and I do everything I can in the morning to stay in bed because I don't want to face another day without him.  It takes me a full hour now in the morning to get my system, my eyes, my digestive system, my brain. to wake up.... just getting going is treacherous.  I keep pulling my eye mask down and nodding back off.  I hate seeing the day.  

Coming to this mark and knowing that I cannot forget what I had, I am living in the past.  I admit it.  I don't want to have a future so I endure the present.  I do what I can within reason to not eat healthy but if I go too wild I get nauseous over and above the anxiety nauseousness so I can’t do much of that. I have decided salt and sugar are going to help me die though so I do not restrain myself.  And the crying is bottomless.  I have one good friend who has stuck by me this whole time and he will listen to me cry on the phone and I know now that I can call and he will hear me out and know that the pain is who I am now.  He knows of my wish to die and does not judge me for it but listens and tries to say the things I need to hear and does pretty good at it.  I will go through a meltdown with him almost daily.  Still.  My husband asked him to watch over me if something happened and he has kept his promise.  He knew how in love my husband and I were and has the greatest respect for what I had with my husband.  His wisdom has been the primary reason I have not cashed out.  He has kept me a hands length away from exiting but I have not promised never.  The breakdowns are so bad now he listens and gets me through them but the exhaustion and how tired I am after five years of this has totally worn me out.  I have to just take it one day, sometimes still one hour at a time, and then pick myself back up and move along.  Definitely a precarious existence.  

I have written before about all the things grief has in store for us and how obtuse I was before this happened but then I guess had I known how bad this would be I might never have lived such a beautiful existence with him.  I would have been too scared of how horrible my existence without him would be so maybe I would have been too afraid to have loved him as much as I did.  I don't like loss in any form now and I also steer away from any attachments.  I would adore having a cat again as our little one died two years ago Sept but I don't dare put myself in the position of loving a kitty.  Instead I help my neighbors with their kitty or when I go somewhere and there is a kitty there.  Maybe I will again but right now I am apprehensive of attaching myself to an animal.  If something were to happen the hurt would be unbearable.  I don't have it in me.

 
So yes, the broken part is too familiar.  The only thing I can say about the more time that goes by I would say (if you are anything like me) the more you realize the extent of being broken and you just find ways to reduce the brokenness by blocking.  Not forgetting because I can’t forget.  I remember all too well.  My brain just through self-preservation for as long as it plans to keep me going has gone into semi-automatic blocking.  I don't think I consciously do it.  I think it’s just the way my brain has rewired enough to keep me around to allow me to still feel the pain.  Kind of cruel if you ask me and I spend lots of time trying to figure out how to defeat my brain from making me live.  We'll see who wins.

Permalink Reply by Pamela philipp on January 5, 2018 at 4:41pm

Wow you hit the nail right on the head Morgan I know this is  the worst pain I have ever felt like I said I am just existing I just stay home and I hate going out anywhere I especially don’t go anywhere my husband and I went for fear that I will run into someone that we know and have to explain like you said anxiety is is high and if I have to go to the store I have to go really quick and get out quick because  when I walk through the store I realize he’s not with me and I feel like I’m going to break at that point so I have to get out of the store so no one will see me cry as to why I am only existing not living thankyou for all you said it’s helpful I’m glad you have someone to lean on I hope he continues to be there for you. I unfortunately am absolutely alone I have no one that’s why I vent on this website it’s the only place I won’t be judged for how I feel thanks for understanding.