FINALLY LOSING IT

It's been 8 months since my wife died in my arms. Annette's life was so intertwined with mine that her not being here has led me not to care. The silence has killed me. I still stagger to work -- with people staring at my morbid obesity and  swollen groin which  hangs down to my knees filled with lymphatic fluid.

Those stares from strangers, children pointing how ugly I am to their parents as they pass by. 

I cry because no matter how bad the job, the agony of walking and commuting to my job I had Annette. She cared about me. My pain was diminished because of her love to me. I could suffer because we shared our suffering.

I think back when she stayed in the mental ward for two weeks because she had a nervous breakdown when I nearly died from a staph infection. I keep thinking over and over why I didn't dial 911 the night I saw here face swollen.

I look back now thinking I could have been a better husband. I could have saved her. Those damn precious last minutes I should have forced her to go to the hospital. I should have dragged her by her hair and dragged her out the door.

I didn't and now I will spend what little life I have left in absolute guilt, self disgust, and not worthy of anyone's compassion. 

Today, I find myself with no money. Not even for food. I can't even go to work because I have no money for fare so my termination is assured when I tell them I can't come in. They're pretty much fed up with my lack of mobility and I don't blame them.

My brother, God bless him can no longer help me. He's not responded to phone calls or my  messages. I don't blame him. I'm an annoyance. I pain in his life. Though I hadn't seen him in over 15 years, he finally stopped by for a while to help out. Now he's gone once again.

So, I have 4 walls, silence, terror and soon, finally, I will be heading toward being homeless. I deserve nothing. I'm lost, and now I accept that I will be following my beloved wife. 

I faint so often and have blackouts that when I managed to get to the free clinic I passed out on the bus. They say my heart doesn't pump enough oxygen to the brain so the blood pressure drops. They say, I need to have lose weight via a lap band. That will take over a year -- if it works at all.

So I sleep and pray every night, Annette will come for me. She'll forgive me. She'll hold me tight. She'll tell me the pain is gone and it's time to come home.

That's all I need. It's the only thing I want. Maybe it'll happen before I lose my job and apartment.

I'll be praying hard and hoping this excruciating, agonizing pain will stop.

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Permalink Reply by Nancy on August 21, 2017 at 9:16am
Richard. I didn't know your wife nor do I know you but I'm quite sure she is mortified watching you self destruct. She would not want you to give up and hurt her by hurting yourself. She is still with you and you need to respect the love you share by making her proud of you. I believe our loved ones we have lost are watching over us and would never want us to join them until it is our time. Not give up and cause them guilt. You need to call work and see if you can get an advance from your next check. Most places of employment have a hardship fund too. I'm guessing your brother is tired of helping you when he feels you are not helping yourself. You need to get help for your depression and get that surgery. Of course it helps if you follow the guidelines. That could be your calling: helping others by showing it can be done. I too have turned to food to help my grieving. It has only been 90 days since I lost my husband. And even though every day I am lost I know he would be so disappointed if I didn't do my best to finish my life mission even if I'm not sure what it is. I don't believe at all the reunion with our loved one would be a joyous one if we give up on this earth. Each of us has a mission to make our loved one proud. There are plans for each of us I believe. This is just my opinion and I'm just basing it on everything I've read about life and after death visits by loved ones. I feel certain however your wife is very disappointed right now and you need to respect her memory by respecting yourself and that means taking action one step at a time to dig out of the dark place you're in. I will pray you get going and do what you know in your heart would make her proud.
Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on August 21, 2017 at 3:32pm
Dear Nancy:

I have tried, I have fought, I suffer and continue to suffer from my medical issues ( agony when standing walking and sitting). Annette and I had no children. We both suffered until we met and married. We struggled with being poor, empty refrigerator, eviction and all we had was each other. Try to imagine two lonely, sickly people suffering most of their lives and finding each other. What little strength we had was compensated with love.

The two of us had made up one person. I live in squalor because I can't move well. I have a job which will most likely terminate me. I'm a new employee with no benefits until three months from now.

I scream in the night seeing Annette"s blue lips and lifeless body in my arms. Social can't help as o can't get to them and they've won't get to me ( not their policy). Same goes for food banks.

I am alone. All I had was Annette. Many who suffer the loss have some support (family, friends, church etc). I now live in terror and pain 24/7 and I can feel my body growing weaker. I've exhausted every resource. I'm not bitter but I am tired of suffering in silence. A dark room, alone with no one and missing gearing "I love you."

I know Annette is near. I only pray as I do every night that she comes to me finally and take me away from my grief and loneliness. I could have been a better husband and I pray she'll forgive me for not getting to her sooner.
Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 23, 2017 at 8:19pm

Richard,

Try calling local churches/temples/mosques.  Very often they will help people in need, regardless of religious affiliation (or lack thereof).

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on August 24, 2017 at 9:50am

I've tried and tried. I've practically begged and I'm tired. I know I've lost everything. And I think when you see the file I have uploaded you'll see how one person can feel alone but humiliated.

I Googled using Google Maps (if you haven't used it, it's that online global Satellite service). It's used to help you find addresses when you're driving. It's a marvel of engineering. You can even have not only  Ariel views of addresses and locations, you can even choose to see those locations at street level! Just type in your address and you'll see your home.

Well, someone typed in my address and it shows my home -- with me passed out on the steps outside my apartment building. The face was blurred thank God. But I couldn't believe the odds statistically of being caught in the image.  

This depressed me to no end. Annette would be sitting beside me, making sure I was okay. To see me myself alone like that in a random image.. is it any wonder why I feel there's nothing left except to exist? That's not living. That's misery incarnate.

My brother called me and we had a great conversation. I hope he'll continue to speak to me as it is the only human interaction that gets me through those terrifying days of solitude.

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