Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
It's been 8 months since my wife died in my arms. Annette's life was so intertwined with mine that her not being here has led me not to care. The silence has killed me. I still stagger to work -- with people staring at my morbid obesity and swollen groin which hangs down to my knees filled with lymphatic fluid.
Those stares from strangers, children pointing how ugly I am to their parents as they pass by.
I cry because no matter how bad the job, the agony of walking and commuting to my job I had Annette. She cared about me. My pain was diminished because of her love to me. I could suffer because we shared our suffering.
I think back when she stayed in the mental ward for two weeks because she had a nervous breakdown when I nearly died from a staph infection. I keep thinking over and over why I didn't dial 911 the night I saw here face swollen.
I look back now thinking I could have been a better husband. I could have saved her. Those damn precious last minutes I should have forced her to go to the hospital. I should have dragged her by her hair and dragged her out the door.
I didn't and now I will spend what little life I have left in absolute guilt, self disgust, and not worthy of anyone's compassion.
Today, I find myself with no money. Not even for food. I can't even go to work because I have no money for fare so my termination is assured when I tell them I can't come in. They're pretty much fed up with my lack of mobility and I don't blame them.
My brother, God bless him can no longer help me. He's not responded to phone calls or my messages. I don't blame him. I'm an annoyance. I pain in his life. Though I hadn't seen him in over 15 years, he finally stopped by for a while to help out. Now he's gone once again.
So, I have 4 walls, silence, terror and soon, finally, I will be heading toward being homeless. I deserve nothing. I'm lost, and now I accept that I will be following my beloved wife.
I faint so often and have blackouts that when I managed to get to the free clinic I passed out on the bus. They say my heart doesn't pump enough oxygen to the brain so the blood pressure drops. They say, I need to have lose weight via a lap band. That will take over a year -- if it works at all.
So I sleep and pray every night, Annette will come for me. She'll forgive me. She'll hold me tight. She'll tell me the pain is gone and it's time to come home.
That's all I need. It's the only thing I want. Maybe it'll happen before I lose my job and apartment.
I'll be praying hard and hoping this excruciating, agonizing pain will stop.
Tags:
Richard,
Try calling local churches/temples/mosques. Very often they will help people in need, regardless of religious affiliation (or lack thereof).
I've tried and tried. I've practically begged and I'm tired. I know I've lost everything. And I think when you see the file I have uploaded you'll see how one person can feel alone but humiliated.
I Googled using Google Maps (if you haven't used it, it's that online global Satellite service). It's used to help you find addresses when you're driving. It's a marvel of engineering. You can even have not only Ariel views of addresses and locations, you can even choose to see those locations at street level! Just type in your address and you'll see your home.
Well, someone typed in my address and it shows my home -- with me passed out on the steps outside my apartment building. The face was blurred thank God. But I couldn't believe the odds statistically of being caught in the image.
This depressed me to no end. Annette would be sitting beside me, making sure I was okay. To see me myself alone like that in a random image.. is it any wonder why I feel there's nothing left except to exist? That's not living. That's misery incarnate.
My brother called me and we had a great conversation. I hope he'll continue to speak to me as it is the only human interaction that gets me through those terrifying days of solitude.
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