Are We Alone?

Ever since the loss of my mom (12/242015) I have felt very much alone. It didn't start out that way. After mom died, as sad as I was, I had friends and family calling me each day to see if I was okay. It was particularly comforting for me to talk to my mom's sisters. I sort of thought that they would be motherly towards me. And they were for a little while, but they have their own kids and grandchildren. There is a degree of separation there.

A year and a half later I think they maybe a little tired of hearing about it. I actually had not talked to them that frequently. Both of my mom's sisters live far away. I wish that people would understand that everyone grieves in a different way. They each told me what it was like for them when their mom died. It is sort of hard for me to relate to them however. My set of circumstances were very different. I was my mom's caretaker (sole caretaker for four years. My mom had struggled with cancer for 12 years, but when there came a point where she needed assisted living, I just could not accept that. I had learned a lot about caregiving over the years. I knew how to take care of mom. I just did not have the availability to do it 24 hours a day. So... I quit my job. I had been with American Airlines for 27 years. I had enough time with the company to retire. Problem was that I was still way too young to collect my pension.

Love won out in the end. My mom wanted to die in her home. There were times when stays at the hospital were critical, but my mom hated the rehab centers that they would send her to afterwards. So did I. Mostly (rehab) was just her sitting around watching television. Also, they did not seem to show much empathy towards her or anyone there. I couldn't take that. not when I was healthy and mom had a comfortable home to live in.

I was her caretaker for four years. It was the greatest blessing of my life. I was able to love on my mom every day. My mom would joke to her sisters, "If I so much as cough, he comes running." I did not have a dad. Mom did it all on her own. She worked extremely hard and raised four of us without help. I can only imagine the anxiety that she must have experienced when money got tight. Truth is, it was always tight. But I never went hungry. Always had clothes and a home. I adored my mother for all of that. I so much wanted to give back. I'm not sure that we can ever give back to our moms all that they gave us. It's just not possible.

My mom began to look at me in a different way. I was the youngest of the family. There came a time when mom was at her sickest when she looked at me with so much love that it broke my heart. My two brothers and sister came by occasionally. They loved mom but being a caretaker isn't for everyone. I remember once when my sister was visiting. I had to put mom on a bed pan. My sister hid in moms bedroom until it was over. Afterwards my sister said, "I don't see how you can do that." I kind of snipped back at her, "I guess you don't."

My mom loved all of her children equally but I do believe that there came a time when I was the only one she trusted. One of my brothers once visited when mom was on Hospice care at our home. My mom asked my brother if he would help me move her to her hospital bed in the sunroom. Another brother would be visiting a few hours later. he suggested till we wait until then. I will never forget the look of hurt on my mom's face. After he left, I was able to get her to her hospital bed without his help.

While on Hospice, my mom would often need help through the night. I slept in a bed close to her hospital bed. We were only separated by a pair of open French doors. Once when my sister visited she decided that she wanted to sleep in that bed, close to mom. Full disclosure... that was my mom's bed. It was very comfortable. I guess that was what my sister was looking for. I was completely against it because she did not know how to tend to my mom's needs. My mom was against it as well. Mom slept with a Bi-Pap machine. She had COPD. It was very important that the facemask stay on snug throughout the night. The machine helped mom release Co2. If there the mask became unsecure, it would make a noise. It was so important to keep it on snuggly. Mom had developed a real issue with releasing Co2. Twice the levels became so high that she lost consciousness.

My sister had a temper tantrum and said that she would just go home if she could not sleep in that bed. That would have been fine by me but mom did not want to hurt her feelings. So mom relented.

I woke up in the night and went to check on mom. I noticed that  the French doors had been closed. My sister was asleep in mom's bed wearing and eye mask and ear plugs. I couldn't believe it. I stayed with mom until morning.

Please believe me. I am not trying to pat myself on the back here. I just want people to understand that I was very much alone. It was just me and my mom.

I was her caretaker for four years. When my mom died on Christmas Eve, I tell you, she took the best part of me with her.

After my mom had passed my brothers and sister just wanted to know how quickly I could move out out so that they could sell mom's house. This had been a huge fear of my mom. She had talked to them about this before her death. She told them that I had given up my job to be with her. She wanted me to be able to stay here until I was ready to move, until I was working again and could afford to move. They told her, No. My mom was working with a social worker through Hospice. She was trying to help my mom change the wording of her will. Mom died before this could happen. My family gave me two months to get out.

All of this hurts greatly. I cannot have my mom back but I was hoping for some family. I was hoping that my brothers and sister would become closer. That we would be there for each other. That was my mom's wish, too. It did not happen.

So here I am a year and a half later. My best friends are my mom's two little dogs. They were my best friends during my four years with mom. Having those furry little girls under my feet was and remains a blessing from God. It's just me and two little dogs. That and a lot of memories of my wonderful mom.

When I realized that I would not have a family for support, I looked where I have always looked. I looked to God. I pray every single day. I pray repeatedly. What I have been hoping for and praying for is a sense of peace. Just to know that God hears me and that he loves me. I am not doing a very good job finding that peace.

I don't blame God. I am not angry with God. I simply do not understand is will or how he works in our lives. Since mom died my life has been one unfortunate incident after another. I was not able to go back to American Airlines. I had to cash in my 401-K to be able to stay at home with mom for four years. Right now I work at a grocery store stocking shelves. One of my mom's dogs became very sick and just came home from the animal hospital. She was there a week in ICU. Thank God she pulled through. Those little dogs are all that I have left. I feel guilty about posting this but it cost a fortune and my anxiety is now through the roof. Between missing my mom and worrying about money, I am just a wreck. I just keep praying. Does God hear me? Will he help me? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? People will say to me, "Go see a therapist." I can't even afford to go to a regular doctor now. I did go through grief counseling and I hear a lot of text book jargon. It was comforting to be around others who were also grieving the loss of a loved one. But the class didn't help very much. I miss my mom as much or more than ever.

I feel guilty now. My mom had always been my rock. I prayed to God but I realize now that it was my mom that I had always counted on to get me thru the bad times. She always did. But she is gone now. I am trying to put my focus squarely on God. I remember the line from Jesus, "I will not leave you orphans." I hope and pray that he will not. I am losing hope. Worse yet. I am losing faith.

Has anyone on this board experienced the hopelessness of feeling alone after your loved one died? When My aunts lost their mom but they had their husbands and children to lean on and focus on. I can't imagine what a blessing that would be. All I had was my mom, and she is gone now.

Where do YOU find strength? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Do we only see it when we die? Can it be found here on earth? Does God love me? Does he hear me? Does he love you? Is he helping you cope? Do you feel his spirit? Does he comfort you?

The last thing I want is to have issues with God. I have enough problems on my own. I realize that many people become angry with God after they lose their mom. I was never angry. I am just very sad. And I need his help. If anyone can help me find it, it would be greatly appreciated.

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Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on August 2, 2017 at 8:48am

Anne, there are so many things that I would like to say to you. I can only imagine the isolation that you must feel very day of your life. I think that you are living another life now. I know that I am. What hurts me the most is that there comes a time when there is no one to walk with us through life. When my mom died I had friends and family calling me, loving me, worrying about me. Many of them were hurt as well because they loved my mom, but their pain subsides, and they could go on with their lives. Maybe the death of someone will drive them to their knees but it wasn't my mom's. That was reserved for me.

I could call one of my mom's sisters and tell them that I miss mom but there came a point when I didn't feel welcome to do that. Now I get words like, "I just don't know what to do for you" or "Maybe you need to talk to someone." Who is someone?

I reached a point where I realized that it was just me and me alone. Like you I have to experience every second of every day feeling like my life is gone. The world as I knew it is gone. It's not coming back.

I hope to find some peace through God. I can't find it anywhere else. I was walking my dogs last night and looking at the sky. The moon and stars. It just hit me how vast God must be to create all of that. I know that I don't want to get on his bad side. I don't even know if you can get on his bad side. I just need his help. I hope I find it.

It's not easy for me to write this but I wish that life was over. I wish that God would take me home. I could never hurt myself. I just feel like that would be taking God's will into my own hands and he may not like that. I have to face every day. It's really hard. Too hard.

I pray for me but I pray for you as well. My thoughts are with you, Anne.

Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on August 6, 2017 at 9:45am

Anne, that was very well written. I actually have the tendency to ram the bible down my own throat. I pray and, while I am doing it, I worry that I am praying wrongly. 

There are many theories about the word of God. A lot of arguments, but what I really wish is that, while we are trying to sort all of this out, that we would let Love be our true guide. I should leave the house every morning knowing that I do not know it all. I may even know very little, but the one thing that I can do is to offer a helping hand to everyone I encounter. That would be a really good place to start.

Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on August 4, 2017 at 8:42am

Dennis, thank you. I have read the Gospel's so many times and I will continue to read them. There is something that I am looking for. In the throes of everything that I am now experiencing, I want to feel a connection with God that seems very elusive. I am using contemplative prayer. It is very hard to quiet the chatter in my brain. It is hard to listen. It's hard to let my defenses down because I am always on guard now waiting for more bad news. I want to go home but I don't know how to get there.

Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on August 4, 2017 at 11:23am
Brett,

It can be challenging. But notice this:

James 4:7,8 — Therefore, subject yourselves to God; but oppose the Devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you indecisive ones.

Just a few things that are evident in these verses. We have to oppose the devil and his ways. We have to be obedient to God. And we have to "draw close" to God. All of this starts with a study of the Bible. We need to learn what the Bible REALLY teaches about God, Jesus, and the Kingdom that Jesus taught us to pray about.

Questions like:

Who is God
Who is Jesus
What is God's purpose for the earth
Why is there so much suffering
What hope do we have for the future ... etc.

The Bible answers all of that and more. But we have to study it to see the answers.

And even though none of the above takes our pain away....learning these things will help us draw closer to God.
Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on August 4, 2017 at 12:17pm

God is Love.

Jesus is the word who became flesh. He died for our sins so that we may live

God's purpose for the earth? "To love God with all of your heart. To love one another even as I have loved you."

Why is there so much suffering? We are separated from God by sin. We will always know pain in this world.

What hope do we have for the future? We can love and help one another, "Feed my sheep." We can have faith in Christ. We can believe that he lived and conquered the world. He was resurrected. That if we love him, that we can become one with he and his father, even as they are one. And that we can have eternal salvation in his name if we believe and obey his commandments.

Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on August 5, 2017 at 6:42am
Brett,

Very nice. But there is SOOO much more than those things. The deeper we go into scripture, as we learn more ABOUT the Love of God, about the Example of Jesus, and see with our eyes of faith the promises of the Kingdom of God we draw closer to God and his son.

The more we feel Their love for us the more we love them in return. So we feel the following:

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 — Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our trials so that we may be able to comfort others in any sort of trial with the comfort that we receive from God. 5 For just as the sufferings for the Christ abound in us, so the comfort we receive through the Christ also abounds.
Permalink Reply by Robin H on October 28, 2018 at 8:02am
Brett,
Your biggest comfort is the love you have for your mom... sorry your siblings don't understand what you have done for them and her... I too have lost, and our road is not a fun one road to be on, it is a lonely one. I try to go on one day at a time, good days and bad ones. I hope you can find peace.... never forget, but we must go on for now...
Permalink Reply by MIchael Ortiz on August 11, 2017 at 1:47pm

Yes I went threw this is a short time spend. Within about almost 2 weeks her son call me from California. Now remember he has never live here and because his mother had great insurance his rehabs were cover over and over. So I get a phone call and he starts by asking what I am doing with the car and is there any life insurance.I am shock because he ask nothing in how she pass. So fast forward the kids show up and I say take what ever you want. I have no clue what is important to them. Then they are gone but one and she just texts are you okay and that is it. I never had much of a family.I saw the ugly side of this and had to bite my tongue and that is not my nature. Just like you in ways were is everyone. Everyone said they be there for me and they are gone. The greed and uncaring of people is amazing. There was nothing yet. How can you do anything if you have nothing.Plus I gave my word to my wife I would never give her son money since it be the death of him. Now he is in jail and then rehab for the so many times I cannot count. I have become a stranger to her kids and my own daughter has been doing her own thing and all he kids live in the state but one. The daughter who I thought I was closes to lives a mile away.I took care of everything and so unsure if anything meant something to them. Its why I vented on here. Just like you I am thinking what is wrong with people.On your side people become selfish and see only money and that you are living free. They are showing they care not of what you went threw. Its painful I bet. You are hearing from a person who thought nothing could hurt him. I am still trying to find my way out of this fog. Human Nature is sometimes the ugliest. I hope this does not get worst. Also remember family is human beings and some are more flawed then others. Do not let them destroy who you are.

Permalink Reply by Frances Koonce on August 5, 2018 at 11:59pm

I am so sorry that you and your dear mother had to undergo such an ordeal with her health and the family not helping as much as they could have. 

I have some positive things to share with you if you still visit this site. 

Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on August 6, 2018 at 12:13am

Please feel free.

Michael, I am just seeing your post for the first time. I'm sorry about that. I honestly do not want anything to do with them now. I try to remember what it was like when we were kids, but that's all gone now. My mom was my family and she's gone now.

Permalink Reply by Frances Koonce on August 6, 2018 at 12:18am

If it’s possible to get an email to send 2 links on coping with the death of our loved ones and helping those who grieve, I’d be more than happy to do that. I’d rather do this privately as I don’t think it is really allowed otherwise. 

Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on August 6, 2018 at 10:24am

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