Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lost with out him on June 25, 2017 at 6:06am

Hi Jackie:

I agree, I joined this group and have been worried all night that I should not have. I am no where near moving on either. In fact the way I feel now I am content not to as to not devalue our relationship. So I will watch from afar and see the steps others take and be happy for them. I am back to square one some days too. ((Hug)) xx

Permalink Reply by morgan on June 25, 2017 at 12:52pm

Jackie & Lost, The loss of our spouse is like nothing we could have ever dreamt it would be.  After 35 years with my husband and having known him for 55 with lots of trial and tribulations in between there are no real set ways of coping.  Baby steps is one I have lived by but it helps only because I know I can only take everything in small doses.  Doing what used to be second nature, those abilities are all gone.  You will think that the pain cannot possibly continue and yet you will hit rough waters when they decide, not when you do.  Your energy levels will be sorely tested.  You will ask yourself time and time again how much longer, how much further, home much more?  And it will continue.  Death has its way with those who are left behind to have to figure out why.  Your brain will take over at times and you will beg for delivering your body from it all.  The people who understand are here.  Others will try and some are just plain unable to empathize but here you will find we share the pain of loss.  Nothing compares to this loss and no one can know how it feels until they are here.  The best we all do is keep trying to stay afloat.

Dont try to manage grief.  Dont think you need to do better.  Just be.  Do the best you can for the moment you breathe.  Its all we've got now.  It's a bitch and ditch the saying "moving on".  You will try to co-exist with grief.  That's it.  And there is a sliver of consolation I can offer which is it comes less often.  After four+ years I can attest to that.......and at that point you will have a much deeper awareness of how reaching out to others who know how you feel was a lifeline......It's true, we have no choice and we aren't doing ok but for today we are one day closer to joining our beloveds and letting the rest of us know how much it hurts here in this corner of the world will help.  

Permalink Reply by Nora on June 26, 2017 at 12:08am

Moving on is not forgetting. Moving on for me right now is only taking myself to some other level - better to say moving out of pain. Guilt. Jakie sent me some time a site where they say - you did not cause his death, you did not kill or hurt anybody so there should be no guilt.

Guilt. Jakie sent me some time a site where they say - you did not cause his death, you did not kill or hurt anybody so there should be no guilt.

Somehow any time widow/widower says "moving on" people equal it to dating somebody. Dating is somewhere on another planet right now. You cannot hurt yourself jumping into relationships with an open wound in your heart, you cannot hurt somebody putting a mask of your late loved the one on his/her face and expecting them to act like your beloved. 

I wish I had lots of money just to manage my life for a couple of years without worrying about finances and future. Unfortunately, I am 100% sure that I cannot keep the house alone. Even if I find a job - still male's hand required. And it hurts my feelings as I am not ready for any male hand in my house... Absolutely stupid situation. Was thinking about roommate but the house with 3 rooms only and 2 dogs, and 1 bathroom is not good for any extra "mates". 

OK, I have decided to move out of pain. Staying hurts. No new thoughts or ideas today. Wasted day....